Mr. Right Wants You, Too

I came home from my daughter's piano lesson yesterday to find one of my heroes, Louise Hay, being interviewed on Oprah, a show don't often watch. As you may already know, reading Louise Hay's book, You Can Heal Your Life, marked a turning point in my life.

She and Oprah discussed affirmations, the Law of Attraction, and how they help you get what you want. O magazine writer Martha Beck also appeared to discuss her recent column about women who attracted the right man by writing a magic list.

Of course this thrilled me. I heartily recommend writing a list because it worked for me. One reader shared her list with me, and I went on to share it here. Another reader scoffed at her for getting into the nitty-gritty, but it helps to know what you want. One of the happily married women Oprah interviewed seemed to include as many details.

Dating a Widower

Dear Terry,

Love your emails. If you decide to answer my request for advice, feel free to share this question with your readers. Just don't use my real name.

I'm 47, he's 50. Met in March 07, he had been a widower for 6 months after wife's long terminal illness.

We got engaged in July and were going to move in together in Sept, we were both living in New York at the time. In August he breaks up with me, loves me, adores me, having anxiety can't do it. I move back to my house in S. Carolina.

In October we get back together. Long distance relationship now but we see each other every week. Go to France and Greece for three weeks in November, have the time of our lives, he says he can't live without me.

The next weekend, Dec. 1, he flies to S.Carolina and tells me he can't do it, we break up again.

Throughout, he text messages me and sends me emails and voicemails he loves me, etc. etc. I haven't seen him since 12/1. We just spoke briefly this weekend, 1/27. Continues to tell me he loves me.

I plan to surprise visit him in about a month. The plan is to show up at this house in the morning, pick up something he couldn't find to return to me. Be happy, looking like a million bucks, and then tell him "if you are not careful you will lose me forever." Then happily leave with no further conversation or when we will see each other next...

Is he commitmentphobic? Just emotionally not available and nothing can win him back?

What do you think?

Please advise.

Confused and hurt in S. Carolina

P.S. We are both highly accomplished people, very full lives. I adore him, have never loved anyone like I love him.

Dear Confused:

You're in a tough spot, and my heart goes out to you.

I do believe this man has deep feelings for you, but you haven't known him even a year. His wife died in September 2006, not 18 months ago.

For your sake (yes, for your sake), I beseech you to make a cup of tea, put your feet up, and relax. Please consider this situation carefully.

I don't know whether this man's marriage was happy, mediocre, or miserable, but I do know this: It takes time to get over the loss of a pet, let alone the loss of a human who shared your living space for a number of years.

I'm not a bereavement counselor, but I also know, having lost my mother to a long terminal illness in August 2005, that my father had a hard time the first year without her due to all the firsts:

His first Thanksgiving without her, his first Christmas, his first Easter, his first birthday. And each of those firsts was fraught with memories of the last (my mother suffered a siezure on her last Easter morning, and three of us screeched over to Lenox Hill Hospital with her in an ambulance). I suspect your former fiance is dealing with this kind of thing.

It's been my experience that widowed people need time to find their feet. Once they do, they're happy again and free to get on with their lives. But the grieving part is necessary.

This man proposed to you just 10 months after his wife's death, and part of him may fear he hasn't given her her due. His feelings may run deep for you, but he wonders if he isn't rushing things.

I'd like you to consider the same thing.

What happens if you do get married, and he wakes up one morning and tells you he's made a mistake? If you're confused and hurt now, you'll be far worse then.

This guy is truly doing you a favor by slowing things down; he says he's "having anxiety," which is absolutely normal, given his position. (I'd worry about him if he weren't a bit anxious.) If you're really worried about him, suggest he join a bereavement group or see a grief counselor, but do give him time to work out all his thrashing emotions.

Let me tell you another story:

Another widower, a relative, missed his wife's companionship. He started dating shortly after her death and soon became engaged. In July 2006, friends and family flew in for his wedding ceremony. In May 2007, he called around to announce that "the bird of happiness" had fallen from the tree, and he had filed for divorce.

I do not want this to happen to you.

Whatever you do, please do not surprise this man with a visit and tell him he's going to lose you if he's not careful. I suspect he already knows that, and that's why he leaves proclamations of love on your electronic devices. You don't mention if he has friends or children he confides in, but if you surprise him, they may tell him you're pushing too hard. They may warn him that you don't have his best interests at heart.

Take a deep breath.

If you can handle it, see him every now and then if the opportunity arises. By all means, look like a million bucks. You have a full life, so focus on it when you're not with him. Do your best to put him out of your mind. If you have to, go to a movie by yourself every night of the week to avoid sitting around thinking about him. If another attractive man comes along, feel free to date him.

Also, if the messages your former fiance leaves become too distracting or painful, ask him to stop. Say, "I respect the fact that you aren't ready to pursue our relationship. It's time to let me go."

To answer your last question, I don't think this man is commitmentphobic. I do think he's emotionally unavailable right now. He hasn't given himself time to get over his wife's death, and nobody can get him over it but him.

For the sake of your future happiness, let him do that.

-Terry

That Guy Who Seemed to Really, Really Like You

Hi Terry,

What’s your take on this type of guy behaviour?

Introduced through mutual friends, we spent an entire day together recently on a scenic trip to a beachside resort. Throughout the day he paid me heaps of compliments, was charming, stared into my eyes over lunch, told me he was looking for a long-term relationship, touched me gently on the back whilst guiding me in and out of doorways and then insisted on paying for everything, you get the drift.

It sure felt like I was on a date, even though I was the one who invited him along as purely a friend. It was such a fun day, but since then I have not heard from him…...and now of course he has sparked my interest…what’s a girl to do?

-Bewildered

P.S. Terry, forgot to mention that the the day I spent with him was just over 2 weeks ago. And according to my friend that knows him, he is not seeing any one.

Dear Bewildered-

Oh, my gosh. I met this guy, too! And I was utterly convinced that he was the one, that he'd call, that God had answered my prayers, and we'd live happily ever after. I knew it because he looked into my soul, and he got me. And I got him.

And then he said goodbye, and I never heard from him again.

I'd like to tell you I only met this guy once, but I'd by lying. I met him several times in various forms over the course of my single life, and I fell for him every time.

I am utterly humiliated to tell you that after being bewitched by one of these demons I did a bit of detective work (this was before the Internet, so I'll give myself credit for cleverness) and found out where he lived. And then-- and oh, how it shames me that I did not have the foresight to use a pseudonym before outing myself this way-- I left a letter in his mailbox.

To which he did respond several weeks later while very, very drunk.

As I said, I fell for a bunch of these types over the years, but after using the Law of Attraction, I stopped. I knew I'd been completely cured when I made the acquaintance of yet another guy so similar to the one you describe, a real charmer who made me laugh and laugh.

And then, suddenly, a voice thundered in my head. It said, "You've met this guy before."

And then a friend said to me, out loud, "You've met guys like this before."

I shook his hand and moved along.

But you asked for my take on male behavior, not a history of my dating experiences, so let's move on.

I'm not sure why some men act this way, but I have some theories:

-He did indeed like you, but he suffers from some sort of performance anxiety. He knocked you dead on your first meeting; he could be afraid of disappointing you on the next.

-He is the type of twisted maniac who enjoys collecting women's phone numbers and then tearing them up into little pieces (I knew a couple of guys who used to do this).

-He meant it when he said he wants a long-term relationship, but he suffers psychological blocks that prevent him from achieving it. Only a licensed professional will ever help him dig himself out of the mine.

Whatever his problem is, don't make it your problem. If he ever manages to call you, I strongly suggest you play it cool. In other words, "Oh, I've got plans this weekend, but Wednesday might work" will do.

And, even then, don't get your hopes up. If he tells you again that he's interested in a long-term relationship, change the subject. I never trust people who discuss long-term intentions on a first or second meeting, anyway. Think of it this way: If you met a woman at a party and hit it off, would you announce, "I'm looking for a best friend?" No, because she'd think you're weird, and you'd scare her off.

Friendships develop over time or they don't. The same goes for romantic relationships. You don't go around telling men you meet you want a long-term relationship, do you? Well, this guy shouldn't be making such statements, either.

If you do go out with him, be the picture of insouciance. Do you hear me? Insouciance! Think Audrey Hepburn before the jig was up in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Tra-la-la-la-la.

And keep your options open. Don't put all your eggs in this fellow's cracked basket. Decide what qualities you want and need in a man and measure him by them. Decide what qualities you want and need in a man and visualize yourself with such a man.

Consider this: Perhaps your day with this guy equaled a flagstone on your path to a better man, a forthright soul who never requires you to analyze his behavior.

Have You Tried Online Dating?

Whether you've already dived in or you're thinking about it, you must read Susan Courtad's experiences here.

The Millionaire Matchmaker

Since VH1 rightly figured that much of their Rock of Love 2 audience would probably be watching the Super Bowl (that would include me), they didn't run a new episode last night. But I did catch an episode later on of Bravo's The Millionaire Matchmaker, which dating expert Ronnie Ann Ryan recommends.

I admit I didn't have high hopes for this reality show, which stars an individual by the name of Patti Stanger, who makes her living matching millionaire men with attractive women. It struck me as depressing. But according to her bio on the Bravo website:

"Ms. Stanger believes if a man wants to woo and win a 'Perfect 10' female, he must himself become a 'Perfect 10' both internally and externally in order to reach his objective."

That's encouraging. I'm also happy to say that in the episode she did treat the women beautifully. And she had no qualms about telling the men why they'd had trouble finding love in the first place.

Interestingly, a reader named Model Elaine commented on my post of January 28th. She asked if a man who's dated a woman for as long as three years is likely to ever propose to her. I told her I've seen it happen more than once. After going to The Millionaire Matchmaker website, I found Patti Stengler's take on this question. She says:

"It takes four seasons to get to know someone well enough to delve into marriage. If a man doesn't propose to you by the end of one year, you must end the relationship and move on, unless he agrees to therapy."

I agree with her about the four seasons part, definitely, and a man over the age of 35 certainly should be able to make a commitment. But some of the younger ones who're still paying off student loans, finishing grad school, or establishing themselves in business might need longer than that (Stangler's dealing with millionaires who face none of these obstacles).

Do not rush into marriage with a guy who carries a lot of debt, or you'll surely learn that financial troubles are to love what the Giants are to the Patriots.

For Smiley, Who Wants a Certain Guy's Attention

It's Saturday morning and time to plan some serious fun. In the meantime, the writer of the following letter originally posted it in the comments area, where I answered it. I'm afraid she'll miss my response, so I'm reposting it here with a couple of additions:

Hi Terry,

You remind us time and again we are precious beings who deserve nothing but the best.

Hoping to seek your advice on something. There's this guy that I like. We've been going out in a big group with other friends for the past few months. We laugh, talk and have a lot of fun when we are out.

However, I am always the one to organise the big-group outings, and he has never asked me out on a single date. I suppose that means he's not interested in me in the romantic sense. Well, so how can I attract his attention, let him see me in a different light, and make the necessary moves?

-Smiley

Thanks for writing, Smiley. From the tone of your letter, it's easy to see that you are a special being who deserves nothing but the best.

You say that you have a lot of fun with this guy when you're in a big group. Now, do you make a special (but casual) effort to speak to him on his own? Are you smiling at him and making eye contact?

If so, and he's not picking up on it, you could be so bold as to say, "Hey, I have an extra ticket to ______________. Would you like to go with me?" (Since you're the one who's usually doing all the organizing, this wouldn't look at all outlandish.)

If he says yes, congratulations and good luck. You'll get that chance for him to see you in a special light. If he says no, it's his loss. Take another friend and have a great time!

Whatever happens, keep doing what you're doing. By taking the initiative in getting people together for fun, you exponentially increase your odds of meeting your perfect guy.

You're no down-on-your-luck complainer, that's for sure! You make things happen, and that's highly attractive.

I salute you.

-Terry

The Specter of Valentine's Day

Financial planner Bette Lynn Paez told me about a Valentine's Day party she and a bunch of single friends once threw. Every guest on the list had to a) be single, and b) bring along an unattached friend of the opposite sex.

To get conversations started, all of the attendees wore labels noting the last movie they'd seen or the location of their last vacation. I thought, wow, what a brilliant idea. Talk about taking a crappy Hallmark holiday and making it work for you.

He Might Like Porn Too Much

Hi Terry,

Thanks for all the great advice. I've been working each day on telling myself that I am beautiful, desirable, and attractive, with the goal of enhancing my self confidence. It works!

I am three months into a relationship with a great man, who I hope to have a serious future with.

I noticed in today's e-mail, you said, "If you shudder at the sight of your best friend's husband, whose porn and stripper habit came to light after their wedding. . ." This started me thinking about porn. I suspect that my 37-year-old boyfriend has a porn habit, but I haven't asked him about it.

Terry, how much porn consumption is normal? And how should I bring up the subject with my new man? To be honest, porn bothers me. It makes me feel very bad about my body, and makes me feel like I've been cheated on. I know that this is MY problem, not his. I believe that men can't help but look at porn, and its only natural, because they are visual creatures. Or, at least, that's what I try to tell myself to feel better. But, when does a porn habit become a porn addiction? And, how can I discuss this with my man?

Any guidance you provide will be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Terry.

-Wondering

Hello, Wondering

You've asked a really important question.

After I received your letter, I saw an interview with Bob Berkowitz, the author of He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It. He says that some men lose interest in their wives and girlfriends because porn sets up unrealistic expectations about women.

So you're right to be concerned.

But porn is an interesting thing. Some people are really, really into it. Some people aren't. A good female friend of mine has loved it since she was a teenager, but her brother never shared her enthusiasm.

She eventually married a man who adores the stuff (thanks to modern technology, they can pump into their house 24 hours a day). For them, that's probably a good thing because when they're not enjoying their special hobby together, they're fighting. So, you could say porn actually keeps them together.

But, many years ago, my high school Social Studies teacher, Mr. Metzger, pronounced: "Sex on screen is the most boring thing on earth."

Like beauty, porn is in the eye of the beholder.

Whether your boyfriend is hooked on adult entertainment or is just an occasional observer remains to be seen. You can bring up the subject casually. Use my friend, for example: "I heard about this woman and her husband who are really into porn. What do you think about that?"

And see what he says.

My husband, for example, said, "That's great for them, but I really don't want to go there."

Another guy might say, "Hey, sounds like a good time."

Which makes a good opening for you to tell your guy how you feel about it: "Yeah, it might sound like a good time, but I don't know how it would play out in real life. If you watch too much of that stuff, it can set the bar a little high."

(You're telling him--oh, so gently--that porn not only sets the bar high for you and your body issues but for him and his, too.)

Let the conversation go where it will.

Now, in your letter you wrote, "I believe that men can't help but look at porn, and its only natural, because they are visual creatures."

I often wonder why men are tagged visual creatures when it comes to watching porn or ogling other women, and we women are tagged visual creatures when it comes to seeing a cute pair of shoes.

I mean, if I happen to see porn I don't necessarily turn my head. I'm human. But I don't go looking for it. I don't visit porn websites. If it finds me (and sometimes it does), I look. And then I make a decision to stop looking.

My friend may love it, but ultimately, I find it soul-deadening and depressing. If I had to watch it with my husband to keep our marriage together, I'd really rather not be married.

But enough about me.

You're clearly not comfortable with your boyfriend having a serious porn habit (and we don't know that he does!) You have a right to your feelings. The question is, will he respect them?

A lot of relationships fail because people aren't willing to talk about make-or-break issues. They actually walk up the aisle without asking their partners if they even want children, let alone discussing their feelings about porn.

You're smart to ask your boyfriend how he feels. Just remember to do it with a sense of humor.

I hope this helps.

Terry

Is He Setting Her Up for a Fall?

A reader sent the following letter. It's a long one, but I'm printing it in its entirety because a lot of women find themselves in the same situation:

Dear Terry:

First, thank you so much for your insightful website and e-mails! They really bring a lot of encouragement.

My situation is this: Several years ago I broke up the biggest loser of all time. I won't go into detail, because he is long gone, but will say that the abuse I endured in that relationship and growing up in a household with a father much like him, definitely took its toll on me. I since have spent a few years in counseling and read dozens of self-help books that truly helped! I am happy about gaining back my self-esteem but still have trepidations when it comes to dating.

After I felt that I had healed, for the most part, I formed a very specific picture in my mind about the man I would want to be with and used visualization daily until three years ago when I met a gorgeous, successful and somewhat famous man , who so eerily fit my picture, and started dating him very casually. He travels a lot and lives in a different state than I so I tried for the longest time to not let my feelings get involved for I was certain that he had women like me in other places. He is very sweet and fun to be with and I know the feeling is mutual. We both admit that it is very passionate, intense and "electric" when we are together even some three years into it.

However, over the past year or so my feelings for him have gotten more intense and I find myself wanting more of a relationship with him. I finally expressed to him that my feelings are growing deeper, and would continue to do so, and that he would need to be honest with me about whether or not he wanted to find himself involved in that situation.

Much to my relief, he smiled a huge smile while I was talking and then said "O.K.". That was it. We have continued to see each other with the same infrequent regularity but he has definitely gotten more personal with me by sharing a lot more about his family and the like and asking many more questions about mine. His text messages even seem more attentive and he also told me (unprompted) more then a few times when we were together last that he had missed me (we only see each other every few months). We were even in contact over the recent holidays which is something he has never initiated before.

I am crazy about him! But I need to know how to move further. I should also let you know that I am a bit intimidated by his success in life only because I am not exactly where I thought I would be at this point in my life.

I have held great jobs in the past but ever since leaving my home state six years after my break up to go back to school, I have had jobs like the one I have now; I'm a sales girl in a department store. I am a single parent solely supporting myself and my daughter and this is not the most lucrative job but the hours are great for working on other areas of my life. Being that I don't have a lot of money makes me a little less confident around him; he's used to hanging out with designer-clad celebrities, and I am used to shopping at Ross and Target, when the rare day comes that I can even afford to do that. I definitely have fashion savvy and like the way I look most often, but have doubts about being with him in public. It is a mild doubt, but clearly not all of my self-esteem issues have been worked out.

We spend most of our time together in gorgeous hotel rooms and have only gone out for appetizers and drinks a few times, but keep in mind that I only see him every few months. I don't really mind given our work schedules are completely opposite and there is truly nothing I would rather do in the limited time we have together then be completely alone with him.

My friends think he should take me out more, especially since he owns restaurants and clubs, and rearrange his very full work schedule to be able to spend more time with me when he is here.

I want nothing more than to be with him on a regular basis, but my daughter is a teenager in high school and I don't think moving is a reality for either of us. I want to get out of the "limited" mindset I am in because I find myself telling my friends "I don't know if I want to get married" or "I think a relationship would just complicate my life right now" - -both statements are far from the truth.

I want to get married!

And I fear that I have blown up in my mind what it is I truly have with this man and have made it into something more than it is- which my best friend says (who is a man, by the way) is just a "good time".

I know this all sounds silly, but I want to make this a real relationship if it has the chance and I don't want my financial situation or moving or anything else to be a barrier to me. Any advice?

-Hopelessly Fallen

Dear Fallen

First of all, congratulations on attracting a man who eerily fits your picture.

That aside, I do agree with you that your self-esteem still needs a little work (although I definitely commend you for the strides you've made after the relationship with the abusive loser).

Your friend suggests that your 3-year-old friendship with the somewhat famous man is "just a good time," and frankly, the man's not giving you much reason to think otherwise. He's texting more and saying more, and he did smile when you told him your feelings, and that's encouraging. But, as the old lady once demanded in the Wendy's commercial: Where's the beef?

He's a successful man who's used to getting what he wants, so what's stopping him here?

You say you feel somewhat outmatched because he's successful and spends time with designer-dressed celebs, while you're a clerk in a department store who wears Ross and Target. Listen, at the end of the day, we're all human beings. We all sleep, laugh, cry, and bleed.

I don't care what kind of clothes you wear. Obviously, you have something going for you, or you wouldn't have attracted this man's attention. As for wearing clothes from Ross and Target, Vogue Editor-in-Chief Anna Wintour has been quoted as saying, "A clever girl can put herself together for a few dollars."

Really, anybody can throw on Prada and (with the right figure) look smashing. It takes a good bit of style to be able to take a so-called lesser brand and make something incredible out of it.

And I have a feeling that's what you're doing.

But, again, I would really like for you to work a little harder on your self-esteem. Make a list of all you have going for you, of all your past and present accomplishments. You are raising a teenager on your own, which is no small thing. Since you had such brilliant jobs in the past, is it possible that you might have achieved stunning success if you didn't have to make the sacrifices that come with caring for another human being?

Give yourself points there.

I do not know this man, and I've haven't seen your relationship for myself, but I tend to agree with your friends. Would it kill him to take you out more?

Yes, it's exciting being with him. It's electric. All those tingly emotions make it difficult to think, I know, but think you must.

You only see him once every few months, but I suggest that when you see him again, you gently suggest you leave the hotel room and go out for dinner. See how he reacts. If he hems and haws, you can joke, "Hey, are you ashamed to be seen with me?"

Again, watch his reaction.

If you don't like it, well, cry if you must, but maintain your dignity and politely tell him goodbye. If he tells you, "Hey, Baby, you know that's not true" and gives you some weak excuse, tell him goodbye.

But if he says, "I really want you in my life. I'd really miss you if you weren't in it," you can say, "Well, I'd really miss you, too, but I'm ready for a real relationship. If you're up for it, don't tell me. Show me."

Put your feelings on the line. Then leave it up to do with them what he will.

I wish I had the magic words to give you to make all your dreams come true with this guy, but please be open to the possibility that he's not the one for you. It's possible he only seems like the one for you because you only see him every three months, and you don't have to deal with his faults on a daily basis.

It's all very romantic right now, but the fact that he hangs out with celebrities and can afford to stay in the best hotels does not make him better than you. See him for what he really and truly is. Determine if he's worth it. Proceed accordingly.

I hope this helps.

-Terry

The People You Meet

You know I believe hanging out in bookstores or cafes increases your odds of meeting interesting people.

Today I met my friend Kristen for coffee at Panera Bread. Turns out an artist whose work I've long admired paints watercolors of the Red Sox and the Patriots in the back room over a cup of coffee.

Kristen goes to Panera a lot more than I do (I prefer the locally-owned Huntington Street Cafe) to write and do research, so she's acquainted with the guy. She introduced me.

Even though I never knew the man's name, I'd been a fan of his work since my days at a small ad agency in Manhattan. At the time, he illustrated for another agency the famously elegant full-page Lord & Taylor ads that used to run in the New York Times.

Kristen told him I liked his work, and he put together a mock ad for me. Then he signed it. I discovered that his first name is Bob, but I can't quite make out the rest of it (yeah, I know. I'm a real genius). I should probably ask Kristen. If she doesn't know, she'll find out for me. In the meantime, I'm going to have the painting framed.

After he left, a guy in his early 30s came in to meet a friend for breakfast. We couldn't help but overhear their discussion. He said he's ready to meet the right woman and get married.

She Wants to Get Married, But He's Not Ready

Dear Terry,

I need some help. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost three years, and now we are having issues about marriage. I've been asking, pushing, and wanting him to agree to marriage for about a year. I am 30.

I told him on our second date that I don't want to date someone for more than two years if I don't think it will lead to marriage. Anyway, I keep getting restless about him asking. I don't want to be pushy, but I just can't help it. Right around the two-year mark, he gave me this big speech about how much he loves me, but that he's not ready. Sometimes I get really insecure and upset, and I explode with frustration about how I'm afraid he doesn't love me and that I can't stand the idea of waiting around to find out later that he really doesn't want to get married.

Anyway, now it's all really frustrating because even though it seems he does want to get engaged, sometime with the next 6 months it sounds like, now I don't know if I will really believe him. I am afraid I will always feel like I pushed him into it.

How do I learn to back down? And, if he does propose, how will I know he meant it?

-Want to Feel Better Fast

Dear Better,

I will tell you how to back down in a minute, but first take note of the words from your letter that popped out at me:

Insecure
Upset
Frustrated
Pushy
30

This situation has made you woefully unhappy, and part of you thinks marriage will make you happy. Another part of you thinks that perhaps marriage will not make you happy if you end up wondering for the rest of your life that you had to talk the guy into it.

So you're obviously smart and self-aware.

But you're operating on the faulty premise that you need to be married by a certain age. You said that you told this fellow on your second date that you didn't want to waste time. Is it possible, that in your quest to beat a self-imposed deadline, that you've convinced yourself that this man is indeed the one for you?

Think about this, please. Is he really the guy for you? Do you really love him? Or do you just want to get married already?

Now, even if you decide he is the man of your every fantasy, you said it yourself that you need to step back. You should absolutely do this, immediately and lovingly. If you've lost touch with friends, this is the time to reclaim them. If you don't have any friends, this is the time to make them.

Gently change your routine. Stop investing all your time in a relationship that may or may not proceed the way you hope. Be kind about this. You might ask your guy to make other plans (I repeat: kindly) because you'll be going out with Karen or Sue or whoever next weekend. If you are already spending some time with Karen or Sue, I suggest you start spending more time with them.

Do not be spiteful about this. Be the smiling, lovely woman who attracted the guy in the first place. Continue to see him, sure, but stop being available every time he calls you. Make a space for activities that do not include him. For your own peace of mind, never bring up the word marriage again.

This makes it possible for him to consider that you do have other interests, that you do have the capacity to make a life without him. He may not like that. He may say to himself, "You know, I really love this girl, and I don't want to lose her."

Or he may not. He may decide he does not want to be married, and for you to possess that knowledge would be a gift indeed. You can move on with your life. You're free to attract a man who truly desires to marry you.

The thing is, if you do keep going the way you're going (and you're really being unfair to yourself, by the way), you risk waking up at the age of 47 or whatever next to a man who feels trapped and resents you for it. But you know that already.

Don't condemn yourself to an hellish marriage to meet a deadline.

I don't know why you are compelled to marry by a certain age, but let me tell you, I've known women who had to be married by this or that birthday, and they're divorced now. One of these women, one of my best friends, suffered repeated and humiliating pressure from relatives who considered her a total failure when she reached her 29th birthday and still hadn't hooked a live one.

After answering some personal ads, she met a guy who fit the bill: Right religion, right job, right salary, and so on. On paper, they were a match made in heaven. Her family did a tap dance and threw a lavish wedding.

They were miserable and divorced three years later.

Take the pressure off yourself. Avoid people who pressure you. If all your friends are engaged or married and stopped spending time with you, find new friends. Console yourself in the knowledge that many of them will not be married forever.

The divorce statistics tell the tale. Have I convinced you to back off and start taking better care of yourself?

Then, if your guy does propose, you'll know that it's because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. You won't ever have to wonder if you pushed him into it.

But let me leave you with this:

Better single and happy than married and miserable.

Rock of Glistening Tongue

The 80s marked an interesting period in music. Some of the heavy hitters of the 70s, Led Zeppelin, ELP, and The Who faded into the background for a bit (some of their members taking time to do solo albums), and a new crop of bands took over. Van Halen, Metallica, and Iron Maiden made it big at the same time as Kate Bush, The Smiths, The Cure, and Simple Minds. In 1985, The Who, Tears for Fears, Led Zeppelin, and Madonna (among too many others to mention here) played Live Aid. In the late 80s, Guns n' Roses hit the scene, and the world sat up and took notice. Robert Plant released a highly acclaimed solo album. It was a great time to be alive.

At around the same time came a plague of annoying hair bands. Suddenly you couldn't turn on the TV without being assaulted by a video featuring a pack of poseurs noted for their passion for voluminizing products. Their names alone gave them away: Poison, Cinderella, Motley Crue, and Winger. My brother and I spent a lot of time falling off the couch laughing at them.

Thankfully, the offenders faded away, although Vince Neil of Motley Crue did submit himself to a face lift on national TV not too long ago. Drummer Tommy Lee, most famous for being Pam Anderson's former husband, pops his head up every so often, too. And, of course, Bret Michaels, Poison lead singer, returns every Sunday on VH1 to give us the taste of a poseur rock star's life (as opposed to a real rock star's life: Led Zeppelin hopes to tour again as soon as Robert Plant finishes touring with Alison Krauss; The Cure currently tour the United States).

While real rock stars get about the business of writing and making music, Bret swaggers around in his rock star clothes yammering about the rock star life, which includes spending time with strippers and encouraging women who are not yet strippers to please take a crack at it.

Last night's episode featured our hero taking three lucky LSEs to a burlesque club, where they watched a dancer he deemed "sexy!" Afterwards, Bret directed his dates to get on stage and give it a try themselves. Unfortunately, one of of the LSEs, a real-life stripper named Angelique (or "Frenchie" to Bret) didn't understand the assignment.

You see, in last week's peep-show episode, the LSEs were required to get in a booth and do whatever it took to keep Bret's attention (he signalled his approval by dropping a token into a slot). This week, his dates' assignment was to strip tease , not to strip. When Frenchie (pictured above) peeled off her underwear, she doomed herself to the axe. "This is a burlesque club," huffed the club's dancer. "We don't take off all our clothes!"

In poor Frenchie's defense, I guess I'd have been confused, too.

Back home at the ranch (or Bret's mansion, as VH1 likes to call it), our hero's tongue made its usual rounds. When Destiney (yeah, she really does spell her name like that) used her VIP pass to interrupt Kristy Joe's (same thing) date with Bret, he pulled her into his lap and made out with her big time.

That's rock and roll!

Between Bret's adventures, producers like to cut to shots of guitars on the walls, just in case you forget you're watching a show about a rock star and not a tragedy about a Peter Pan Whore Man who won't be opening for Led Zeppelin anytime soon.

Sweet Misery

Okay, this post has nothing at all to do with dating, but I'd like you to read it anyway.

In 2005, my mother died of a brain tumor. Since then, two other brain tumor patients have told me their doctors forbid them from consuming aspartame, the artificial sweetener the media continually assure us is perfectly safe.

The other day I rented Sweet Misery, a documentary featuring people in the medical community who say otherwise. I just discovered that you can watch it for free courtesy of the good folks at Google.

Kick off your shoes, crank up your speakers, and click here to watch it.

Did aspartame cause my mother's brain tumor? Well, she did drink a whole lotta diet soda, but who knows? Do view the video, though. Then decide whether you want to keep chewing that aspartame-laced gum you pop into your head every few hours.

She Wants to Wait Until Marriage

Dear Terry,

I've read your book, and I always enjoy reading your blog. I am single now.

My question is: What are pros and cons of abstaining from sex until marriage since I believe is the right thing to do? Is it possible that if he truly loves you he will wait until then? Is it really possible in today's world?

Thank you for your wonderful insight in your daily blog.

-A Fresh Start

Dear Fresh-

Thanks for writing and for your comments.

Since I've experienced the Law of Attraction, I do indeed believe it's possible to attract what you want. You want a man who's willing to wait to have sex until marriage, so bring that man to life in your imagination. What would you do together, for example? Where would you go? How would you feel in the arms of such a person?

Write an ideal scene of the two of you having fun together and bring it to life in your mind several times every day.

I guess the biggest pro of having sex before marriage is getting to know what you're getting before you marry it. However, many people who abstained from premarital sex later report fantastic sex after they wed, so who knows?

The cons? Well, in your case, you'd be compromising your values, and that's no small thing. You must remain true to yourself. Surely, on this planet of 6,602,224,175 humans, a man exists who feels the same way you do.

-Terry

If You Want Him Back, Don't Scare Him Off

It's amazing the stupid things some women will do when they want to reunite with a former boyfriend (and, to be fair, men do the same stupid things when they want an old girlfriend).

Some of us drunk dial. Some of us do the late-night drive-by. Some of us get really bad and do the drunk late-night drive-by. But none of these methods have been shown to be effective in rekindling romance. On the contrary, sometimes they result in the guy taking out a restraining order.

Last weekend, my sister told me of a mutual friend who's recently been harrassed by her brother's former girlfriend. Since the break-up, the ex has been dropping in on our friend, making nightly calls to his mother and brothers (one of whom is the father of small twins and doesn't need the phone ringing at 9PM).

The woman's goal is to win allies. She imagines that by remaining in frequent contact with his family she establishes herself as an integral member. She thinks she can get the others to prevail upon the ex on her behalf.

She's crazy.

Here's what's really happening: The mother says to her son, "Will you tell that woman to stop calling me?"

The sister says, "Thank God you broke up with that psycho. She's like something out of Fatal Attraction."

One brother says, "I never liked that girl."

The brother with twins says, "Make her stop calling or I'm changing my number, and you'll never hear from me again."

Okay, the woman is hurting, and hurting people do hurting things.

I've been there.

When we've been dumped, we all want the guy to realize he's made a mistake, but enlisting his family's help is bound to backfire. Think about it: Have you ever been indifferent about a guy that your parents were crazy about? Did their enthusiasm change your feelings for him?

You may have given him a second look, but your feelings had to develop of their own accord.

Now, imagine that some guy you're done with starts calling your friends and family. Would you be intrigued by that? Or would it turn you off?

If he kept it up, would you be convinced that he was the guy for you? Or would you think about calling a lawyer?

It's easy to lose your head when you've been rejected. Rejection can cut you to the core. It's not the time to come up with hairbrained schemes to regain a guy's affection. It's the time to lie low, keep busy, and maintain your dignity.

If you hope he'll have a change of heart, it's the only way to go. And if he doesn't have a change of heart, well, he never was going to have one, anyway.

Do yourself a favor and move on.

Sex, Stupidity, and Rock and Roll

VH1 has a gift for exploiting down-and-out or has-been celebrities (as in The Surreal Life, Celebrity Fit Club, My Fair Brady, and recently, Celebrity Rehab).

With the introduction of last year's Rock of Love, the network began blowing through Bret Michaels' waning fame like a stiff Kleenex. He's since become a national joke. Too bad the poor bastard's not swift enough to figure it out.

Maybe I was dreaming when I heard Bret tell Chelsea Handler last week that he'd slept with all but "two girls" on last season's Rock of Love -- as if that was a good thing. Like the jerk you went to high school with who bragged that he knew "all the words to 'Stairway to Heaven' by Lynyrd Skynyrd," Bret isn't quite as cool as he thinks he is. People aren't laughing with you, Dude.

Now Bret's back for Rock of Love 2, and I have to wonder if producers aren't prodding at least one of the smarter "girls" on this season's show on how to get Bret's attention. You can almost hear them whispering, "He's insecure about his height, so make him feel big," and "He's insecure about his age, so make him feel like he's 20 again."

Reviewing the season premiere, which ran for the umpteenth time last night, I picked up a tragic comment from one of the "girls," who I will henceforth refer to as the Women of Low Self-Esteem, or LSEs. The poor wretch said she joined the show because, "My father wasn't around very much, and I just want to find someone to love me."

Oh!

I truly believe that a the quality of a woman's romantic relationships usually depends on the relationship she had with her father (the same goes for a boys and their mothers). But sliding up and down a pole for a skeeve like Bret Michaels is hardly the way to remedy the situation.

The way to remedy the situation is this: Love yourself like your father never loved you. Make it a daily practice. Treat yourself as the most loving man in the world would treat a beloved child. Speak to yourself kindly. Put on some clothes. Use your brain to make money.

Speaking of fathers, Bret reminds us frequently that he is the father of two females, ages seven and two. I guess he thinks it makes him even more of a turn-on, but you have to wonder what these little girls will think when they watch Superdad's tongue bobbling around a series of strange mouths in a single 60-minute episode.

I just hope their mother (or, since we're talking about Bret, their mothers), has replaced the sleazebag with a better man.

In last night's episode, our hero serenaded the ladies with a song he recorded 20 years ago. Then he eliminated a contestant whose self-esteem ranked too high for his liking. Unlike some of the others, she had better things to do than sit by the door in her skivvies, waiting to greet the old dog when he came home.

Photo credit: Nancy Mazzei, VH1

Some Excellent Advice About Men

After my cousin got married in 1987, she told me something that served me well in my dating life.

"Don't ever get serious with any guy who hasn't lived on his own."

It goes without saying that a 35-year-old guy still living in his parents' basement should be tossed on the reject pile, but she meant guys in their 20s.

She insisted that if I married some 26-year-old guy who lived with Mommy until the wedding, I'd be in for a rough ride. I'd soon learn that he hadn't the foggiest idea about mopping floors, let alone wiping up that annoying dust that accumulates on toilet tank covers. I'd be picking his socks and underwear off the floor even as I got dressed for work.

"All you'll be getting is a baby to take care of," my cousin told me. "And if you plan to have babies, you don't need another baby."

Interestingly, a study out of the Netherlands discovered that a partner who does his share of the cleaning is way more of a turn-on than a sluggard who doesn't. A woman's best bet for marital happiness, then, is to marry a man who scrubs toilets.

As for my cousin, I saw her at another cousin's funeral in October. Twenty years of marriage and four children later, she looked remarkably the same. I guess having a husband who helps with the housework means less wear and tear on your looks, too.

She's Doing Everything Right But Still Meeting Losers

Hi Terry,

I must tell you how much I enjoy reading your e-mails, and I find your advice and honesty about your own dating experiences invaluable. I admire you.

I have been practicing for 11 months the Law of Attraction, and so many wonderful things are taking place in my life, but still when it comes to my love life and finding a soul mate, I am still no further along.

I have a list I carry with me and read every day all about the qualities I am looking for in him. I am on a dating web site, and I am a member of a high-priced matchmaking service and have just been meeting one loser after another.

I am visualizing,and every night before I go to sleep I read the list out loud. As I have stated, all other aspects of my life are coming together great. What am I doing wrong?

I am a very young looking 50-year-old woman, divorced with no children, and have a good job and also own a home. I work out on a regular basis and have been told I look 40.

Eagerly awaiting your reply.

-An Excellent Catch

Hi, Excellent-

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. It sounds to me that you're just about doing everything right. You sound positive-minded, you obviously take good care of yourself, and you don't sound at all needy. You sound like a real catch.

Since you do have a list (I commend you for this, by the way), do you bring up emotion when you visualize your ideal relationship? It helped me to write an "ideal scene" of my ideal relationship. I included all sorts of sensory detail: rain drops on my husband's glasses, the metal smell of the swing he pushed me on, the temperature, the sounds of birds, and so on. I used to read it whenever I got bored, and then closed my eyes and brought all the sensory details to life in my imagination.

I got so good at it I could do it with my eyes open in a restaurant. It made me happy whenever I got discouraged.

About your bed: Do you sleep in the middle? I used to, and then I read somewhere that to bring a man into your life, it helps to make room for him. I started sleeping on one side of the bed. I cleared out one night table and used just one. This definitely helped.

Some time after I got married, I hosted an Internet radio show and interviewed Terah Kathryn Collins, a Feng Shui specialist who backed me up on this. She writes in her book, Feng Shui for Romance:

"If you're single and would like to be partnered, act as if the love of your life has already arrived by moving the bed away from the wall and giving your "one night stand" a partner. You don't want to hold your singleness in place by having a bedroom that comfortably accommodates only one! Clear the bed of delicate "guardians," such as lacy pillows and stuffed animals, and update with enhancements that accurately refect your current romantic intentions. Remove pictures of solitary people or things; and arrange decorations in pairs, like two flowers, candles or poetry books. Design an approachable, sensuous bedroom that invites a partner to join you without a 'single' care."

As you can imagine, this is all about manipulating energy, and not about going out and roping someone into sharing your bed with you. You're merely making room for someone in your life. You're also subtly convincing your subconscious that he's already there.

I'm concerned that you're spending lots of money on matchmaking services and still meeting losers. Would you be better off saving your money or using it to do something you really enjoy, perhaps traveling or learning a new language? It's possible that if you pursue your interests, you'll only meet women, but it helps to meet women because they often know available men. I met my husband in a bar, but it turned out he was a friend of the boyfriend of one of the friends I had come in to hang out with.

Turns out he grew up on the other side of town. Our paths must have crossed over the years, but we didn't become acquainted until after I became clear about what I wanted in a relationship and started believing I already had it.

I hope this helps. Thanks for writing.

Terry

What Makes a Man Marry

Just found an article on what makes a man want to marry by David Zinczenko of Men's Health, and it's a good one. Click here to read it.

Your Internet Profile

Yesterday, I detailed one woman's success with eHarmony. It's a controversial subject because apparently results vary widely; this woman's own sister tried the service and ended up disappointed.

I asked the satisfied woman, who met her fiance through eHarmony, why she thought the outcomes were so different for her and her sister.

She explained, "I'm happy by myself and with myself. When you have that, men are attracted to you. My sister was coming from a place of lack -- 'I have to find a man.' She's negative and needy. It turns people off."

Okay, I can see why her sister turned men off, but it didn't explain why perfectly attractive, seemingly happy women end up getting a series of lackluster matches from online dating services.

If you've been reading me for a while, you know that I believe in my soul that happiness and self-esteem are crucial in attracting the right man -- and in recognizing the bad ones in an instant.

But I'm baffled when women who have these qualities put themselves online, only to net one rotten fish after another.

And then I remembered my own similar experience.

After I'd decided I'd finished dating losers, schmoozers, and No-Show Joes, I placed my first and only personal ad. I kept it short and to the point: "Sincere, loyal, fun woman looking for sincere, loyal, fun man for possible relationship."

I got lots of responses. I met each of the respondents for drinks in the TGIF near my office in Manhattan. Most of the guys seemed nice enough (except the dude who asked why I was desperate enough to place a personal ad, begging me to ask why he'd been desperate enough to answer it). But none of them rated a second date.

I started to get discouraged.

Then I remembered something I'd read in one of the numerous self-help books I devoured at the time, something to the effect of what writer Somerset Maugham once said, "It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it."

I'd read that if you put what you want "out there," the universe would respond. And if you refused to take less than what you wanted, the universe would do better.

After meeting a series of these Mr. Not-For-Mes, I made the decision not to date again until someone worth dating showed himself. In the meantime, I kept visualizing the right relationship, feeling it, acting "as if." I continued getting out of the house and meeting my friends. At that point I had no expectation of meeting anybody, but the relationship remained alive in my head.

After a while, the sister-in-law of a friend started bringing her brother around. The guy was good-looking, fun-oriented, success-minded. The sister-in-law suggested I go out with him. "He'll treat you like gold," she said. At that point, I was ready to date someone who would treat me like gold.

And he did.

At first I was crazy about him. We had fun and shared some similar interests. After a few months together, though, he exaggerated to friends the details of a situation I'd witnessed, and I lost respect for him. I fell into a funk about it; my "perfect" relationship had come to nothing. But, driving home one night, I had the eery (and accurate) feeling that the relationship was a dress rehearsal for something much bigger.

I broke up with him. I continued visualizing, affirming, the whole bit. Even though I didn't have any concrete reason to continue doing any of it, I felt something shifting. I knew that what I was looking for was also looking for me.

And that's when it found me.

I didn't meet my husband through the personal ad. I met him in a bar (no, he's not an alcoholic; he doesn't even drink). I wasn't scoping the place for talent when I met him; I was pretty much minding my own business, sitting with friends I wanted to spend time with.

If Internet dating hasn't paid off for you, it may be the vibe you're giving off, or it may not. If you're happy, confident, and --this is critical --clear about wanting a relationship, and you still haven't met the right guy, I believe in my soul that you will meet him eventually.

I believe he's out there.

It may be while you're waiting on line at the post office. It may be in a bar. It may be in the gift shop at a hospital. But I believe that you will meet him.

In the end, though, it doesn't really matter what I believe. What matters is what you believe.

What do you believe?