To the Reader Who Submitted a Question (which I Somehow Lost)

You're the reader who submitted a question about a man you once dated quite seriously, who later got involved with someone else. After that relationship ended, he started up with you again, only to tell you that the other woman was his 'soulmate.'

The bottom line was, he says he doesn't want to take things further with you. You love him, and you're confused and hurt.

(I hope I remember all the details correctly.)

First, let me apologize profusely for having somehow hit the wrong button, which sent your very important question (which was, essentially, how do you get him to change his mind?) into some never-ending rabbit hole.

I am so sorry.

I am also sorry about the situation with this man, but the worst thing you can do is try to convince him that you're the woman for him. Trust me. The more you do this, the more he'll be convinced the other woman really is the soul mate who got away.

You're in a lot of pain, obviously, so the best thing you can do is take extremely good care of yourself. Treat yourself as a treasure yet to be discovered (in other words, if you actually were with this guy, how would you want him to treat you? Treat yourself that way.)

You'd do well to stay busy. I think it's way too early to try to be this guy's supportive friend, and if you do it in the hopes that he'll come to his senses that you're the woman for him, I fear you'll be disappointed.

Fill your time with good, supportive, fun people who make you laugh. Avoid any living person needles you by bringing his name up out of the blue, as in, "Have you heard from X?" Or, "So what's going on with you and X?" (Tell people who love you and make the mistake of bringing him up that you're moving on and have taken his name out of your vocabulary.)

Also, avoid people who try to justify his behavior as a reason for you to be patient, as in, "You know, he's afraid of getting hurt. Give him time."

Guess what? Everybody (including you, I imagine) is afraid of being hurt.

Stop worrying about him. Stop talking about him altogether. Do your best to stop thinking of him.

Please let this guy go. In your absense, it's possible he'll miss you. If he does, tread very carefully with him. Don't rush into his arms. Guard your heart.

If he doesn't miss you, well, you'll be that much farther along in enjoying your new life --and all its possibilities -- without him.

Never underestimate the power of letting go. You'll get stronger, for one thing. If you treat yourself well (instead of the rejected girl or the loser at love) and open yourself to the possibility that there's someone out there who you wouldn't have to arm-twist into seeing your greatness, you will become used to being treated well. You will have raised your standards.

And that also is a powerful thing. It's also attractive.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and if you have a chance, drop me a line and let me know how you're doing.

If You Want Him Back, Don't Scare Him Off

It's amazing the stupid things some women will do when they want to reunite with a former boyfriend (and, to be fair, men do the same stupid things when they want an old girlfriend).

Some of us drunk dial. Some of us do the late-night drive-by. Some of us get really bad and do the drunk late-night drive-by. But none of these methods have been shown to be effective in rekindling romance. On the contrary, sometimes they result in the guy taking out a restraining order.

Last weekend, my sister told me of a mutual friend who's recently been harrassed by her brother's former girlfriend. Since the break-up, the ex has been dropping in on our friend, making nightly calls to his mother and brothers (one of whom is the father of small twins and doesn't need the phone ringing at 9PM).

The woman's goal is to win allies. She imagines that by remaining in frequent contact with his family she establishes herself as an integral member. She thinks she can get the others to prevail upon the ex on her behalf.

She's crazy.

Here's what's really happening: The mother says to her son, "Will you tell that woman to stop calling me?"

The sister says, "Thank God you broke up with that psycho. She's like something out of Fatal Attraction."

One brother says, "I never liked that girl."

The brother with twins says, "Make her stop calling or I'm changing my number, and you'll never hear from me again."

Okay, the woman is hurting, and hurting people do hurting things.

I've been there.

When we've been dumped, we all want the guy to realize he's made a mistake, but enlisting his family's help is bound to backfire. Think about it: Have you ever been indifferent about a guy that your parents were crazy about? Did their enthusiasm change your feelings for him?

You may have given him a second look, but your feelings had to develop of their own accord.

Now, imagine that some guy you're done with starts calling your friends and family. Would you be intrigued by that? Or would it turn you off?

If he kept it up, would you be convinced that he was the guy for you? Or would you think about calling a lawyer?

It's easy to lose your head when you've been rejected. Rejection can cut you to the core. It's not the time to come up with hairbrained schemes to regain a guy's affection. It's the time to lie low, keep busy, and maintain your dignity.

If you hope he'll have a change of heart, it's the only way to go. And if he doesn't have a change of heart, well, he never was going to have one, anyway.

Do yourself a favor and move on.