Emailing to Get a Man's Attention

Hi, Terry-

I notice in that you stress on "not calling a guy" if he himself promises to call...I think you're right about that.

But I have to be honest that I am unsure about whether or not to make contact with a guy even if it's just to ask a question. I mean I am seeing someone new, and this morning I got this cute little email someone sent, and I thought this would be something nice to send to him, so I picked up the phone to call him and ask him for his email address...and then I thought, "You know what? I'd better not".

I used to have no problem picking up the phone if I wanted to talk to a guy....but men are fickle and I think I need to keep my guard up this time...I am 32 and I think I've learned enough not to give them too much attention....What do you think!?

-Curious


Hi, Curious-

I think your instincts are right.

It's tempting to pass on a cute email to a guy or call him to ask a question, but if he said he'll contact you, you're better off waiting to see if his word is any good.

If he said he'd contact you, he should contact you. Then you can ask a casual question, but even then I wouldn't ask him for his email address. What's the point? You want to go out with the guy, not send him jokes.

I'm not one of these people who believes in sitting by the phone and letting the guy call all the shots. However, I do believe that men want a prize in a woman, just as women want a prize in a man.

Don't make attempts to keep yourself on this particular guy's radar. Figure that if he's worth your time, he's going to make sure you know it.

Terry

Eliot Spitzer Needs a Slap in the Head

You may have heard that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has been busted after being "linked" (nice euphemism, eh?) to a prostitute who charged him as much as $5,000 for a good time.

What I want to know is what kind of sexual services can one receive for $5,000? Maybe they throw in a free trip to Europe.

But I'm concerned about this knucklehead's wife, Silda Wall Spitzer, and three teenage daughters. Joye Brown of Newsday said it beautifully:

"Tape of Spitzer's three daughters ran on television stations across the nation most of the day. And his wife, shellshocked and watery-eyed, had to stand before a bank of television cameras in very public humiliation."

Okay, this is what I need to know:

Why does any woman--who has been betrayed in such a stupid, unimaginative way by such a sad and selfish individual -- even stand in the room with him as he makes his TV apologies?

What's in it for her, exactly? I've read suggestions that Silda Wall Spitzer may be standing by her man for the sake of her daughters, but if I ever caught my husband with a hooker, I would disappear for the sake of my daughters. I'd want to send them a different message:

Don't stick around with a schmo who goes to prostitutes.

He Overcame His Fear of Intimacy

No new episode of Rock of Love 2 last night.

But I came across a wonderful "Modern Love" essay by Ben Karlin in yesterday's New York Times. Karlin is the former executive producer of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, one of my favorite shows of all time.

Karlin describes how he set out to "solve all my problems involving emotional intimacy." Read it here.

Online Romeo Wastes Her Time

Dear Terry-

I am confused about something.

I corresponded with a man for a while and asked him a lot of important questions, which he answered. He made me feel like he's the one. He even told me that I could be the one, and to tell my friends that I already have a boyfriend. We met online, of course.

He seemed to have everything I was looking for in a man, but he did not plan to meet me. He said he was going to be very busy and would not be able to give his full attention to a relationship. But then he spoke to me every day for at least 3/4 hours. He is in another state now but will return to my city in a about a year and a half. He is in active duty in the airforce.

Suddenly last week he told me he is going to be deployed to the mid-East for the war. After that, he started to distance himself. So weird.... So I called four days ago about what was the matter. He told me that he is going away, and he does not to be emotionally attached since he does not know what is going to happen. So he does not want to get close or get hurt!

After than, I wrote him an email and mentioned that understand although it is disheartening. He never wrote or called me since then. I felt I deserved a phone call at least, but nothing. So I am letting go. I am very shocked and upset.

Why did he do this?

-Deserving Better

Dear Deserving:

When a person signs up for an online dating service, it's fair to assume they want to meet new people. As soon as this guy told you that he didn't want to meet you due to some lame excuse (i.e., not being able to give his full attention to a relationship), that was your cue to say goodbye and cease taking his calls.

You say he spoke to you every day for three to four hours. I have to ask you: If you truly want a relationship, why would you waste that kind of time talking to a man who refused to meet you. I don't care that he said you could be "the one." And the fact that he told you to tell your friends that you have a boyfriend is flat-out ridiculous. Not to mention presumptuous.

And you should have told him so.

You say you deserve better than this treatment, and you do. So the next time you meet a man online, spend 10 or 12 minutes on the phone with him to determine whether you have anything in common, and if you can detect any repellent habits or attitudes.

The next step is to meet him. (If he lives out-of-state, sure, you can talk to him --briefly-- on the phone once in a while, but you should keep talking to other guys, as well. Keep your options open.)

Meet him in a neutral, public place. Keep the date fun but short. Be friendly and smile, be interested in him and get to know him, but, again, keep it short. It's human nature to want a prize, so be a prize by letting him know you have a full, happy life.

Don't brag or exaggerate. Simply smile warmly and thank him for a lovely time. Then drive yourself home.

If he says he's going to call you, let him call. Do not call him. Do not text him. Do not email him. When he contacts you, be your usual interested, warm, happy self. Again, keep the call to 10 minutes.

If you miss his call, and he leaves a message, call him back. But keep it short (yes, I know I keep repeating myself). If he's truly interested in you, he will make plans to meet you again. If he doesn't make plans, please don't confuse him with someone who's worth your time.

A guy should never get the impression that you are sitting next to the phone, so go about your life as usual. Continue to meet other men until you find yourself in a real relationship with a man who doesn't waste your valuable time with a lot of hot air.

Your first clue that he's full of hot air? He tells you he's going to be "very busy," or that he can't give his full attention to a relationship. As soon as a guy says that, you say, "Next!"

Remember this: Actions speak louder than words.

Jeff Mac from Manslations offers this brilliant advice about men: "When in doubt, start by drop everything he SAID and just look at what he DID."

More On Picturing the End Result

Found the following quote in my inbox today from the good folks at Nightingale-Conant. I'm using it here to hammer home the previous post.

"Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor,
play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between
reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually
think about eventually will manifest in our lives."

—author Robert Collier

Picturing the End Result

Dear Terry,

I have met men who either were never into me, or when they were, I wasn't into them. The former were the charming, successful ones, and the latter, you guessed it.

Now I am desperate to be loved and get married. My younger sister has found someone, and it's really painful to see myself all alone. Please help me and tell me if this system will work for me. Please assure me that it will.

Thank you.

-K.

Hi, K-

When you mention "a system," I imagine you're referring to my ebook and audio, which women have told me has completely changed their love lives around. It certainly changed my life around.

But, like any system, it only works if you work it. I've received letters from women who've complained the book is too short, only to find out later they never did the exercises it contains and didn't listen to the audio. So it didn't work for them.

But let's talk about you and your situation.

You say you're desperate to be loved. This is the wrong way to attract a man who will love you and make you happy.

Please be glad for your younger sister that she's found someone special. In 2008, I hope we've moved beyond the idea that an older sister is some kind of failure if she's "beaten to the altar" by a younger sister.

My youngest sister married before my other sister and me, but by the time she did, I'd learned to discount (and limit my time with) people who made stupid comments about us "not getting any younger." (And we were pretty young!)

One of the things that worked for me in attracting the right man was by picturing and feeling the end result.

I'd read about basketball players who'd won games by practicing in their mind's eye instead of on the court. They'd "see" themselves making the shot. They'd "feel" the ball leaving their hands. They'd "see" the ball slipping easily through the hoop. They'd "hear" the roar of the crowd.

I decided to use this method to lose weight. I "saw" myself thin in the mirror, "felt" myself slipping into a small dress, I'd "hear" people telling me how good I looked.

It worked.

I later used the method when I was ready to attract the right man. A lot of my friends were getting married, my sister was getting married. I'd attracted similar guys to the ones you describe, and I'd come to realize that my own ambivalence about relationships caused this.

I rightly figured that, on some level, marriage and relationships scared me. I set out to find out what scared me, and I faced those fears. By figuring out what I did not want in a marriage, I could easily see what I did want. And then I "saw" myself in such a marriage with the right man man, "felt" myself with him, "heard" him, and so on. I came to believe that I was actually in a relationship with such a person, and it came to pass.

This method works because you're operating from faith and expectation. You're not acting from desperation.

Desperation always brings bad results, whether you're looking for a new house, a job, a friend, or a partner. Not only will you attract substandard circumstances, you'll likely settle for them. So choose the opposite path.

I do recommend you limit exposure to so-called friends who suggest you're a failure because you've yet to hook a live one. Write a list of your best qualities and refer to it often. Always look your best. Remind yourself that you have much to offer. You should never settle for a man who's less than you deserve just to get gossips off your back.

Bret Michaels Plays the Hapless Victim

Rock of Love 2 is so sad I can barely force myself to watch it anymore.

I fell asleep during both broadcasts of the latest episode last night, so here I am in front of the TV for a third time, trying to wrap my brain around it.

For those of you who are just joining us, a dwindling group of scantily clad women is competing on national television for the affections of a has-been rock musician. Every week, the show's producers come up with fresh ideas for competitions to humiliate the women.

This episode's victorious duo entertained vets by reciting the Preamble to the Constitution while wiggling inside hula-hoops. Of course, they wore bikinis. To start their act, they gave each other a good slap on the rump with American flags. Now, that's taking patriotism to a new level.

Because women serve in the US military, the audience did contain a good number of females, some of whom laughed self-consciously. Others just looked horrified.

Afterwards, Bret, who has moved beyond covering his fat head with a bandana and now wears a hat on top of a bandana, sat down for dinner with his Ladies of Low Self-Esteem. He threw out a question: "In your opinion, which of the other girls is here for the wrong reason." Not wanting to betray another contestant, a couple of LSEs skirted the question.

Bret got angry. He demanded answers.

He maintained that he had to know who was in it for real (uh, like he's even in it for real), but clearly the guy was pushing for a fight.

Eventually, Ambre pointed her finger at Kristy Joe. Curses flew. Bret threw his napkin down and left the table. Later in the show, he claimed to be "physically and emotionally exhausted."

What a cretin.

I'm waiting for these women to smarten up and tell this guy to take a flying leap. Now there would be a drama I could stay awake to watch.

Life Keeps Getting Better

We've all heard the garbage about a woman over age 35 meeting a decent man being about as likely as her dying in a plane crash. Yesterday, I met yet another woman who defied that nonsense.

She's 53, positive-minded, active, and an enthusiastic newlywed, but she could have been a real sad sack. She had plenty of cause to feel sorry for herself. In April 2007 (11 months ago), she was hit by a car and told she would ever walk again. Doctors said they'd have to amputate her right foot.

She refused to believe them. Call it faith in God, call it the Law of Attraction, call it whatever you want: She determined that a power mightier than modern medicine created her and would heal her foot. She would walk again.

Do I need to tell you that she did not lose her foot? That she was walking fluidly-- without a limp -- 11 months later? Now, I can't say what her foot looks like under the sleek high-heeled boot she wore; she did say it's been fortified with pins.

But whatever it looks like, it's not stopping her. As I said, she's newly married and clearly enjoying life. I wish I'd had the chance to ask her about her new husband, especially how she met him.

My guess is she did it the same way she healed her foot. She surely wouldn't be the first person who succeeded in meeting the man of her dreams this way. Click here to learn how another woman did it.

More About Settling for Mr. Good Enough

Hi Terry,

I picked up a magazine this weekend called The Atlantic. I never heard of it before, but there were a few articles on the front cover that got my attention; namely, an article called "Marry Him -The Case of Settling for Mr. Good Enough" - pg. 76. I would love to hear your feedback/point of view of this article. If I had your writing ability (maybe I do, but not the balls to blog about it maybe?), I would write about it. I have never heard anything like it. Very interesting. If you don't get the magazine where you are try www.theatlantic.com perhaps.

I really do hope you get a chance to read it and blog about it. I love your blogs.

Take care and have a great week!

-Curious

Dear Curious:

Thanks for writing.

I haven't read the article, but I did see its author being interviewed about it on the Today Show. (View the clip here.)

While I don't believe in settling for a guy who doesn't make you happy, let me start by saying nobody --not me, not you, or any man on the planet -- is perfect. So, at some point, we all have to settle on some points. The question is, how much will you settle?

For example:

Some women and men want to start families before they reach a certain age. They meet a person with the same priorities. They may not be passionately in love with this person, but they marry to achieve their primary goal, which is to have children.

Did this couple settle?

Well, not really. Their goal was to buy a house and raise children, not to fall madly in love and walk into the sunset together. They went into the marriage with a certain set of expectations, and they probably aren't going to be disappointed (unless one of them does eventually fall in love -- with someone else -- and leaves the marriage).

When we talk about settling, it helps to consider priorities.

Some people are less concerned about having children. These women and men want to fall in love. They want someone they can take care of, who'll take care of them. They want a Number One. They want to be a Number One.

In this case, it is settling if they marry a person who a) is still in love with someone else, b) mentally undresses individuals of the opposite sex at family weddings, or c) just wants to get married to have kids.

About children: If you do go the "walk into the sunset" route, know that children will change things, if you let them. They can't help but try to take over your life. If you want your marriage to remain exciting, it's important to do what it takes to keep it that way. But you have to marry a man who's also willing to do what it takes to keep it that way. Such men do exist.

Before you marry anybody, find out if the guy a) wants children, and b) how he would react if you learned you couldn't have them (unfortunately, this happens to couples every single day).

Find out how he feels about his responsibilities as a father and yours as a mother. Find out if he'd expect you to undergo procedures if you were to have difficulty getting or staying pregnant. Find out how he feels about adoption.

No need to interrogate the guy under a lightbulb here, but it's important to discuss these things if before you bind yourself legally to him.

If a happy marriage is your top priority (as opposed to a marriage as a means to having children), you settle if you marry a man who doesn't feel as you do. For me, marriage is the foundation of a family. The children are a product of it, not the reason for it.

Other have a right to feel differently, and they do. When it comes to "settling," determine what you want out of a relationship. Aim to marry a man with the same priorities. Proceed accordingly.

She Changed Her Thinking and Attracted a Good Man

When I opened this email the other day, it brought tears to my eyes. It's from a woman who used to settle for less than she deserved in relationships. I'm reprinting it here in case you're in a similar spot and searching for encouragement.

Thank you, C., for writing and sharing your inspiring story.

Hi, Terry:

I've met a lovely guy who lives nine miles away from me. He's kind, understanding, not too talky, great sense of humour. Looks a bit like a celebrity.

The *next man list* I made out which had about 100 qualities on it seems to have more ticked off it each time I meet him. He doesn't have a string of girlfriends, children, or an ex wife. Last night on about date 4, I discovered another favourite thing of mine, he has a hairy broad muscular chest. None of my friends can believe in this day and age I've met a single 40 year old man.

As I'm 5'10", I wanted a tall man, he's over 6ft. Of course, being well armed with knowledge from your information, I'm pacing it, he's ringing and can't get enough. It's empowering and I'm coming from a more balanced relaxed place. Because he's the only one ringing, no matter how many days go between, I know where I stand with him. If he tries anything slightly disrespectful, like trying to see me with no advance planning, he doesn't get away with it. In fact he didn't get to see me Valentine's Day because he didn't give me enough notice. That taught him a good lesson!!! He really upped his game after that.

You know the trouble I had with my previous 4 years on/off relationship, and the heartache I went through with upsets and unpredictability, me being the underdog. For over a year I read all your advice, would move on, and then keep going back to him. All my friends told me I looked (and I was) miserable. Yet when I finally let go of that rollercoaster relationship, and was totally honest about how dreadfully he was treating me, my life opened out.

Good things started to happen, instead of ever-decreasing circles, I began to find my world expanding and my confidence increasing. And I thank God since the breakup in January I've had none of the previous heartbreak associated with my ex.

I started making a list of what I wanted in a man and relationship about a year ago during yet another breakup. This year 2008, I really began to believe that when I let go of my ex, I would meet the new man on my list.

These are all difficult things to do when you listen to popular thinking like, a woman over 40 has only 1% chance of getting married, there are no good men left, coupled with fear of not meeting anyone again, men wanting younger women etc. Anyway, thanks for all the strong advice on how not to just settle, how to be my best feminine self, how to put myself first. The overall change in thinking didn't happen immediately but now it's becoming second nature.

Even if things don't work out with this new man, I KNOW there are plenty of fish in the sea and there is a perfect man for me out there. It's almost unnerving how many of the qualities in my list this new man has, and look at how soon I've met him. Last Saturday he said he has seen me before over the past few years, but hadn't the courage to ask me out. So as soon as I moved on from the going nowhere scenario, he appeared "as if by magic."

I hope stories like this encourage you to keep helping women, because there are a lot of women who really need to turn their thinking around. If you consistently hear a message with a truth in it, it will change your life.

My friend, who had lived a crazy life, taking speed and clubbing, has totally changed this year too. She says I've had an incredible influence on her. This past weekend she has had two men courting her attention, after years of being Miss-brought-home-from-the-nightout (never brought out)!

Another friend, who is 56, has ended a doormat type of relationship of 20 years since seeing the changes in me and my attitude about how I was too good for the lies, using and crap my ex doled out to me. She was living with this player type guy who golfed with my ex, even after 20 years with her, he wouldn't divorce his ex-wife or introduce her to his brothers and sisters! So you see, Terry, these are very positive knock-on effects in real lives you are having, and I really, really wanted you to know that :)

Thank you so much for all your time, for your dedication to improving women's self respect and their enjoyment of the wonder of their lives. Thank you for taking time to respond to me personally when I felt I was so confused and felt I was worth nothing. Take five minutes to appreciate some things happening on the other side of the world which are significantly better because of you.

XXXXXXXXXX

-C.

Getting Down in the Mud for Love

Last night, on Rock of Love 2, our vinyl-haired hero, Bret Michaels, presided over a rodeo.

The women contending for the grand prize of his love lassoed fake cattle and rode real horses, before the piece de resistance: getting down in the mud to wrestle bandanas off a passel of greased pigs.

Yee-hah.

After last week's episode, in which the Women of Low Self-Esteem were forced to battle each other -- barely dressed -- in a football game complicated by wind, rain, snow, and mud, I concluded that Bret really likes mud.

After last night's episode, we can safely conclude something else: He doesn't really like women.

The "winners" of this week's rodeo got to go on a date with him in some gimmick restaurant, where it was intentionally so dark Bret and the lasses had to form a congo line behind the maitre 'd to find their table. They couldn't see each other, let alone their food.

Nice date.

I don't know about you, but I like to see what I'm eating. If you've ever had the misfortune to find a hair in your salad at a 4-star restaurant, you know what I'm talking about.

But Bret's a happenin' guy. He likes to live on the edge.

Now, while he and the LSEs, Ambre, Kristy Joe, and Destiney (I think it was Destiney, anyway) couldn't see each other, technology allowed us in TV Land to see everything. Between gobbles of whatever was put in front of him, Bret (who possesses the table manners of a donkey) swapped saliva with Kristy Joe, unbeknownst to the other LSEs.

Eventually, Kristy Joe excused herself to go to the bathroom. Ambre identified herself and moved in, meeting no resistance from Bret. When it comes to sticking things in his mouth, our hero never discriminates.

Later on in the show, Bret eliminated Catherine, the "old" girl, who has been on the planet months longer than he has; and Peyton, the rocker girl he says he likes as a friend.

That leaves Bret with a bunch of kids who don't know a booby-prize when they see it, and Kristy Joe, the woman with restraining orders against her former and current husbands.

On another channel, in another universe, Jon Stewart made me laugh while hosting the Oscars.

How to Tell if He Likes You (Really)

Reading a guy's body language can be helpful (and entertaining) in the very beginning, but trying to read a guy's mind is a different story.

Don't do it.

If he says he'll call and doesn't, don't waste a single minute wondering why. If he says he likes you and then disappears, he's not worth your time. If he says he doesn't want a relationship, and then sticks his tongue in your mouth, he's not conflicted about his feelings.

He's a creep.

A man worth dating matches his words with his actions. If you're lying awake fretting about what he meant when he said one thing but did another, you're losing good sleep over a big fat zero.

You don't need any guy that badly.

If you're going to get involved with a man, he should never leave you in doubt about his feelings. He will value you. More important, you'll know it. If he says he'll call, he'll call. If he's going to be late, he'll apologize. If he wants a relationship, he'll say so. He won't chance losing a good thing.

But, you're thinking, maybe he's shy. Maybe he doesn't know how to express his feelings.

Shy men exist, sure, but by the time a man is an adult, he can usually figure out how to get what he wants. If he wants a promotion, he goes for it. If he wants a new pair of shoes, he goes out and buys them. If he wants a sandwich, he makes it.

If he wants to get to know a particular woman, he makes it happen.

And if he can't manage that much, do yourself a favor. Forget him. Hold out for a better man.

Better Men Through Reading

A lot of us go around saying things like, "All the good men are taken." Or, "All the good men are gay." Or, my particular favorite, "All the good men are married or in jail." (The woman who cleaned an office where I used to work came up with that one.)

And since our thoughts tend to determine own realities, we often turn out to be right.

It doesn't help when we're getting reinforcement all over the map about these limiting beliefs of ours. Movies, TV, magazines, and much of what is called "chick lit" continually remind us that men are lying, cheating, sex-obsessed serial disappointers--and we're doomed if we try to live without them.

Which, I've learned, is nonsense.

But if you want better men, it's critical to know that they truly exist. You can do this by surrounding yourself with them, even if you have to do it by reading about them. In the past year, I've read three books to help you along:

-A Widow's Walk by Marian Fontana. Fontana writes a beautiful, compelling, sad account about her husband's death in the 9/11 attacks. Without ever stooping to sentimentality, she makes it clear that New York City Firefighter Dave Fontana defied every negative stereotype about men. By the middle of the book, the reader can't help falling in love with him.

-Searching for the Sound: My Life with the Grateful Dead by Phil Lesh. Lesh reveals himself to be a smart, gentle man with a social conscience. He manages to tell a satisfying story of a rock-and-roll life, without ever maligning anyone or making excuses for his own mistakes.

After several romantic disappointments, he writes, he fell in love with the waitress who used to bring him breakfast near his home in Marin County. The way he describes this woman, to whom he's been happily married for over 20 years now, flies in the face of everything you've ever seen on, say, Rock of Love with Bret Michaels.

My favorite details about Phil: He washes dishes and used to drive his children to school.

-David Copperfield by Charles Dickens. Sure, David's not a real person, but supposedly Copperfield is the most autobiographical of Dickens books (not that I'm a scholar on this subject). David is, to me, the ultimate man. He's earnest, intelligent, funny, and increasingly successful. He respects people regardless of their class. He genuinely esteems women and seeks them not just for their beauty but for their wisdom and character. To create such a man, I think Dickens must have possessed at least some of David's sensibility.

He Suddenly Lost Interest

Terry-

I feel so sad - he used to be head over heels for me and do everything to try and get me, and he'd just be there all the time - and now it's so different. Why is this? What do I do? We go to the same school, and it's impossible for me not to see him everyday and we've been through so much together.

-M.


Dear M.-

First off, let me say how sorry I am for the rough time you're going through. I can't say why this guy went hot and cold on you, but believe me, most of us have experienced a passionate pursuer who suddenly lost interest.

And it hurts.

You don't say how old you are, but it's especially painful when you have to run into the creep who left you flat every single day at school or at the office.

My best advice is to stop asking yourself why the guy went cold. It probably doesn't have all that much to do with you, despite what you're telling yourself. Stop asking yourself what you said wrong, did wrong, wore wrong, ate wrong.

Give yourself a break.

Can you rekindle this guy's affection? Maybe, maybe not, and then you have to seriously ask yourself if it's even worth it. For instance, when you were together, did he have any annoying habits you chose to ignore?

Remind yourself of those annoying habits every time his cute face pops into your head.

Also:

Respond to his sudden lack of interest in kind. In other words, do not --under any circumstances --approach him. Do not email him or make excuses to talk to his friends.

Avoid him at all costs. When you do see him, keep your back straight. Smile, say hello, and keep moving.

One of two things will happen:

He'll realize he's made terrible a mistake and start coming around again. In this case, continue to treat him coolly. Do not allow yourself to become vulnerable until you're sure he won't drop you like an old shoe again. Keep yourself busy with friends and school until it's clear that he understands that you're the greatest thing to ever cross his path.

The other possibility is he won't come around again.

In this case, you will get over him in time. When that happens, it will become apparent that the poor guy isn't even in your league. You will run into him in the library and discover that his ears are too small for his head. You'll wonder what the heck you were ever thinking.

You'll move on to better things, and it'll be his loss.

How They Met

Here's a good one:

My aunt, who's in her 60s, and three friends from high school just came back from a vacation togther. They stayed with another friend, who lives in a magnificent house on a shimmering island. This friend has a husband who insisted on cooking meals for the five women.

"Was he any good?" I asked my aunt.

"Fantastic," she answered. "He's a fantastic guy altogether. You have to hear how he met my friend, though. It's too funny."

"Okay."

"My friend was a nun. For 10 years. She left the convent and took a job with a corporation. She said she didn't have any skills so they put her in the library. This guy kept coming in, saying he was doing research. He didn't mention that he was the CFO. They started dating. Then they got married, and they've been married ever since."

And living the good life on some island.

Truly, anything is possible.

Rock of Shove

Last night's episode of Rock of Love , featuring Poison singer Bret Michaels, saw the LSEs competing in a sadistic football game, the dopily named "Bret's Mud Bowl." The ladies were forced to show our hero their "athleticism" by beating the crap out of each other, while rolling under a sprinkler in cold mud and dressed in shorts and cropped tops.

After the game, the LSEs stood shivering. Ambre sought treatment for torn-up knees, but she suffered in vain: Her team lost, and Daisy, the opposing team's MVP, won top prize: the coveted Solo Date With Bret.

And where, pray tell, did our hero take Daisy to reward her for her "athleticism?"

Why, a lingerie store, of course.

After Daisy modeled a couple of numbers, Bret treated her to dinner right there in the store. Now that's every woman's dream, eh? One-stop shopping for fast-food and underwear.

Bret's idea (or VH1 producers' idea) of fun dates make me sleepy. I mean, these girls wear lingerie constantly, so where's the appeal in watching them model more of it? Now, if Bret were to take one of them to, say, an Obama rally, I might have reason to stay awake.

After the rockin' time at the lingerie store, Daisy and her temporary man returned to the castle, where he promptly started making out in the sloppiest fashion (seriously; my stomach turned) with Catherine, the 45-year-old he keeps finding himself drawn to.

I wonder if it's ever dawned on our hero that he's attracted to Catherine because she's the one "beautiful girl in the house," who's his age. He might even have something in common with her. Most of the other contestants are barely eligible to vote.

I can't tell you which of the LSEs got the axe this week because I couldn't keep my eyes open through the elimination phase. I fell asleep.

It's Valentine's Day

And the pressure is on.

I really like Jeff Mac's perspective on this Hallmark holiday, though. Click here to read it.

Her Husband Lived Like Tony Soprano

Hello Terry,

I would like to ask your opinion and advice. I was married 34 years to a man who I felt loved me tremendously, and I had a good life. In 2004, he became someone else and the result for me was emotional, mental, and financial abuse. I am now divorced since January 30, 2007.

I am 58 years young and in good shape and am told I look 45. I tell you this, because I have not dated during or after the divorce, almost three years. I am alone most of the time except for my children, night classes at college and a support group. Alone is fine for me, but feeling lonely hits sometimes. Since I had filed for divorce, people have chosen to inform me of my husband's last 34 years, and it's been more like a Tony Soprano storyline!

My question is do you think I'm 'hiding out,' avoiding any social situations to escape meeting someone? I would love to meet a man to share my life with, but I am doing nothing to make that happen. Do you think I'm so 'shell shocked' by the betrayal of my husband that I'm like that ostrich with its head in the sand, and what would your advice be to help myself?

Thank you,

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

P.S. I have had many invititations to dinner, lunch, drinks and whatever else they could do for me, but those invitations have been from married men!


Hello, Shy-

First off, let me offer you my condolences about this unthinkable ordeal. Do I think you're shell shocked? I'm not a psychologist, but I know this: I'd be devastated if I'd endured a tenth of what you did. Who wouldn't be rocked to their core after finding out that the man they loved for 34 years wasn't what he seemed?

And I can't imagine it helps when people come along to fill you in about his true character.

You may very well be 'hiding out,' and who could blame you? Your trust in the man you loved, not to mention your own instincts has been utterly shattered. You should congratulate yourself for making your best effort to move on by taking night classes and joining a support group. I respect that.

If you decide you really do want to meet someone, but you're terrified by the prospect, it might be a good idea to talk to a licensed therapist (get recommendations) to work your way through your very reasonable fears.

As for the married men asking you out all the time, well, they're not helping you to develop faith that a happy, trusting relationship is in the cards for you. Keep telling them to get lost.

Although I never experienced a betrayal that ran as deep as yours, one way I was able to work through my fears about relationships was by writing the word "marriage" on the top of a piece of paper. Then I wrote, without stopping to edit myself, whatever words popped into my head about it.

Most of it wasn't pretty, but then I got to see in blue in white what exactly held me back from moving forward. Once I brought my fears to light, I worked through them.

I wish you all the best in working through yours.

Be patient with yourself. You've only been divorced 13 months, after all. Give yourself all the time you need to gather your strength. If people upset you with news of your former husband, shut your ears to them.

Criminal Background Checks, Online Dating, and the Rock of Love

Last month, the state of New Jersey enacted a law requiring online dating sites to reveal whether they do background checks on members. Apparently, Match.com doesn't do them, having concluded they don't offer extra protection. Another company, True.com, does.

Critics question whether background checks promote a false sense of security. For more information, click here.

Changing the subject, I did watch Rock of Love the other night. In this episode, our vinyl-haired hero made at least four headband changes (that I counted; I kept flipping back and forth to the Grammys).

Bret dealt with a couple of the LSEs who failed to meet the evening's challenge, which had something to do with motorcycles. To punish the women, he forced them to put on bikinis and clean his very own personal motorcycle with a toothbrush.

He truly is the type of man every parent hopes her daughter will grow up to marry.

As far as the Grammys went, I enjoyed seeing Ringo Starr and Tina Turner. The Foo Fighters blew me away. Amy Winehouse's speech made me cry. What stress that girl must be under! I hope she will recover, and I wish her the very best.

Settling for Mr. Good Enough

Once you get into your mid-30s, Atlantic writer Lori Gottlieb maintains that you should consider settling for a man who's less than what you really want. Kailen Rosenberg, a relationship expert, disagrees.

Watch the clip and decide for yourself.