He Likes Her, But He's Not Willing to Move Forward

Hello!

I am 29-year-old female. I have been seeing a guy for about six months. He is 29, as well. He is a great guy, and although we have not said that we are boyfriend and girlfriend, we have talked about dating exclusively. We have the same circle of friends, and we attend our friends' parties together.

We see each other at least twice a week. I know he is going through a lot because he lost his job last year and barely got a new one about a month ago.

Here is my problem. I asked him how come he never texts me or calls me all the time and he says, just cause I don't text you or call you does not mean I am not thinking about you. I have so many things going on in my life right now, and I feel like I have nothing to offer you. I am interested in you, and I am not dating or talking to anybody else. I respect you, and if I didn't like you I would not want to hang out with you at all.

His best friend is married to my friend, and he tells me that he feels bad because he got that new job, but he is not making what he use to make before. I make way more than him, and he knows that.

I don't know what to do anymore. Should I wait for him or let him go?

Please help me.

-Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Dear Should-

The first thing you should do is take a step backward.

This guy sounds pretty great. He's spoken openly to you. He likes you, but he fears he has little to offer. He's reeling from a job loss, and the fact that he's making quite a bit less than he once did.

I admire his honesty.

At this point, I would give him a little time. I'd also give him space. I'd let him make the next move. I wouldn't ask him when he thinks he'll be ready to make that move. After a while, if it becomes apparent that he's not going to make it, I would let him go.

But, right now, enjoy his company. See how it goes.

He Broke Up With Her Because His Children Don't Like Her

Terry-

What do you do with a guy who lets his daughter lie, and then he breaks up with you because he believes her lies -- screaming at me like a maniac --meanwhile, I have clothes shoes coats and more stuff at his house, and I don't want to go there to get them.

I have been with him for 7 years, and his children have been trying to break us up for all that time --his daughter is a jealous sick girl, but he idolizes her and stand at attention on her every word -- please answer this for me --what is my next move?

-Free at Last

Hi, Free-

Since he broke up with you, I'd ask him (calmly and rationally) to drop off your belongings. If you don't want to see him at all, you could suggest he send them to you via UPS.

If you don't trust him to return everything you left with him, your best bet is to call him and tell him you're coming around to gather your things. If possible, make an appointment to go when his children will be nowhere in sight.

Whatever you do, don't raise your voice or be pulled into an argument. It's not worth it.

From the situation you describe, it sounds like this guy did you a huge favor. I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

Wishing you all the very best,

Terry

Please Pray For Bret Michaels

I've never been nice to Bret Michaels, the Poison frontman and Celebrity Apprentice contestant on this blog, but I'm sorry to hear he's in in critical condition. On Thursday, he suffered a life-threatening brain hemorrhage.

Please join me in praying for his full and speedy recovery.

What's He Trying to Say?

Hi, Terry-

It had been a while since I had heard from or seen an ex-boyfriend. We saw each other at a party. He welcomed me and almost immediately said to me that he had broken up with his ex-girlfriend. He had known that I disliked the ex-girlfriend anyway.

He has also known (I think) for the past two years that I still love him (and always will) so, a few weeks went by, and we started texting one night over a simple question I had about mutual interest. It ended up being a 4-hour texting session in which out of the blue he writes, "I am lonely, I need someone new in my life."

First I thought, WHY WOULD HE BE TELLING ME THIS?

Then kept wondering if there was a hidden message, so I played it cool and said he would find someone, he has a lot going for him, it would just be a matter of time. Then he said, "I have no luck in finding the right person to spend the rest of my life with."

Excuse me? What was I? We had been together for almost two years. I hoped I was the one then! Again, why tell me this? I am unsure of how he feels about me, and I do believe he has a good idea that I still care for him. Can you help me? What is he saying to me and why? I need to keep my head on straight to figure out what he is really saying or implying or... is he just being friends with me? I, myself, would never say these things to anyone unless it was my best friend, never mind on ex-boyfriend or man for that matter.

Thank you.

-S.

Hi, S.-

The first thing the guy does when he runs into you is tell you he's single. Then you embark on a texting marathon (you don't say who started it), in which he tells you he's lonely. You assume he knows you still love him. You wonder why he texts that he has no luck in relationships, especially after you had one together.

You might conclude that the guy is still interested in you based on this. You might also conclude he isn't. But I wouldn't draw any conclusions at all.

Way too much is being hinted at, assumed, and left unsaid. I really dislike text conversations, for one thing. What stopped either of you from saying at some point, "Let's continue this conversation on the phone. Call me." Or, better yet, "Let's continue this discussion over a cup of coffee?"

You wonder why he chose to bemoan his failure to meet the right person to you, especially when you suspect (but don't know for sure) that he's aware that you still love him.

You know, you could have asked. You could have said (again, preferably eye-to-eye), "Why are you telling me this?"

Then you'd wait for his answer. And if he told you, "I miss you, and I want us to be together again," you'd know where you stand with him. And if he told you, "Hey, listen, you've always been such a good friend," you'd know where you stand.

Knowing where you stand equals freedom. And when you don't understand what a man is driving at, you have every right to ask him to make it clear: "Why do you say that? I'm not sure I know what you mean."

You say you'll always love him, but I suspect that if he closed the door on you, you'd experience the relief of finally knowing. You could move on.

And if he does still have feelings for you, gently encourage him to express them. Life is too short for beating around the bush.

She's Doing All the Right Things But Still Not Meeting Anybody

Hi Terry,

You always seem to lift my spirits when facing the ups and downs of the dating world, so here it goes.

I've spent a lot of time visualizing, learning about deliberate intent, and have even gotten into creating a vision board to help my dreams and desires manifest. While it has been a fun and enlightening adventure, nothing seems to be advancing in the right direction. The guys I'm meeting are far from pursuant, let alone resemble any of my written list of what I really desire in a husband. I know the pursuit shouldn't be one-sided, and when a truly worthwhile guy comes along, it will be perfectly evident.

I just find myself losing hope that there really is someone for me. My question of "when" is starting to become "if." Of course, a mom who relentlessly pushes for grandchildren and a son-in-law isn't helping, I guess. Would love to hear your advice.....thanks Terry

K.-

P.S. Is it weird that along with all this I'm also having a recurring dream (or maybe nightmare!) that my ex-husband wants to get back together...I divorced him due to his being abusive. I'd say this could be a subconscious signal trying to get through to me, no?

Hi, K.-

Visualizing, writing lists, etc. are very effective methods, but only if you're doing them in a relaxed manner. I suspect you're working way too hard.

Two things jump out at me from your letter: Your mother wants you to get married and have children. You've already been married, and to a man who abused you.

So, you can push all you want (via visualization, etc.), but if you're ambivalent about getting married (and, seriously after your experience, what woman in her right mind wouldn't be?), you're probably not going to get married.

I'm no psychiatrist, but clearly you've been burned. It really, really, really doesn't help when your mother (or aunt or best friend) pushes you to get married because she wants something out of the deal, in this case a son-in-law and grandchildren.

With all due respect, it's a mistake to make one's happiness contingent on another person's actions, and that's what your mother is doing here. Make me happy: Get married. Give me grandchildren. You owe me.

But since we're responsible for our own happiness (and, no, this is not selfish; you make the world a better place when you're happy. You light up the air when you're happy. You attract better friends, jobs, men, etc.), let's concentrate on you:

What if I told you right now, "Listen, K., a husband and children just aren't in the cards for you," could you be happy?

Would you make the decision right here and now to live a joyful life despite the change in plans? And if you were to make that decision, how would you feed it? In other words, what things would you do to ensure your happiness every day of your life?

-Would you travel?
-Take up a hobby or language you've been putting off, which would surely lead to other opportunities?
-Would you take up a cause and become an active volunteer or advocate for it?

I encourage you to write another list. This one would include everything you hope to achieve,do, and enjoy during your time on earth.

And then start doing them, one by one. Let this be your life.

At the same time acknowledge the fact that you (rightly) harbor fears about men and relationships. It might help to look at those fears head on. Ask yourself if you have to attract men like your ex-husband. Is it possible that a man exists with much better qualities? Is it possible he could love you, and you, in turn, him? Look for examples of people in happy relationships (because the media are full of examples of people in unhappy relationships).

In a very gentle manner, feel yourself in such a relationship. What does it feel like to be loved, for example? Don't push here. Allow yourself to feel loved, despite evidence to the contrary. What does it feel like when a man you love slides up from behind you and puts his arms around your waist?

Carry that feeling around with you.

Please take the pressure off yourself about achieving someone else's goal. There are absolutely no guarantees in life for any of us. You could push yourself into another bad marriage, only to end up having a sick child and a husband who's not up to the challenge of caring for him or her. This stuff happens.

Here's the bottom line: Enjoy your life. I never met anyone worth dating until I made a decision to stop dating until I met someone worth dating. I went on trips by myself. I went to the movies by myself.

I had some really, really good times by myself. I learned that what Abraham Lincoln once said is exactly right:

"Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Be happy. And carry the feeling of being loved around with you.

If you're a reader who wants to succeed at love and relationships, Ronnie Ann Ryan and I want to help you. Click here for more information.

Does He Have True Feelings For Her?

Dear Terry,

I have benefited much from reading your insights and advice on your blog, and now I have a question to ask you.

Would a man who has true feelings for a woman put his feelings before hers? I mean, would he take steps to try to protect his feelings from being hurt regardless of the emotional consequences that it may have on the woman?

You see, I ask this because I am trying to make sense of the feelings this man had towards me. I need to be able to classify them so that I can be able to get over it, and I don't think I will be fully able to unless I do. It's a bit complicated, but we were never in a relationship because I knew from the get go that our ideological/religious/cultural differences would never make this work. However, we've developed strong feelings towards each other (or so I think).

Anyhow, I ask this particular question because I've noticed that even though I would make particular requests (or tell him that certain things may bother me), he would not do them because if he would his feelings would be put on the line. He wouldn't sacrifice being hurt just to see me happy even for a moment.

That being said, I truly believe that his feelings were genuine to a certain extent because I've felt that they were. I just don't know if that is the extent a man's feelings go, or am I getting the short end of the stick? I just want to be able to find closure and to know if his feelings towards me were genuine or not.

Your input is much appreciated.

-Aching soul

Dear Soul:

Thanks for the kind words. Now bear with me while I paint you a picture:

You and this man somehow manage to overcome your ideological/religious/cultural differences. You marry him.

At first, you're estatic. Your suspicions that his feelings are genuine are confirmed.

But days into the marriage, his selfish side re-emerges. At first, you tell yourself he's struggling under the weight of a lifelong commitment. He's vulnerable. He's scared. And he's acting out.

You're walking around hurt more often than happy, but you tell yourself it's okay. You need to help him with his feelings. It becomes your mission. Meanwhile, he becomes increasingly inconsiderate. Sometimes he's downright obnoxious.

After a while, you decide to have a baby. Maybe having a child will set him right, encourage him to be more loving and generous toward other humans. It could make him a better person.

So, you have the baby, but you quickly find out that caring for him or her is your responsibility. You're running around, taking care of your husband's needs and this baby's needs.

And who's taking care of your needs? Nobody.

You're sad all the time. Maybe you turn to food for comfort. Maybe you turn to alcohol. Substance abuse makes you feel better for a couple of hours, but then you hate yourself.

You catch sight of yourself in the mirror (because you don't actually have time to really look in the mirror). You look ten years older than you are. You look like one of those women who has just given up.

And you start to resent your husband. You go through the motions, but you're sad all the time. You're sorry you sold yourself short.

You long for the days when you had choices. You long for the days when you were captain of your own ship.

In other words, you long for this very day when you had the ability to walk away free and clear from a man who consistently puts his needs in front of yours, who wouldn't risk "being hurt to see [you] happy even for a moment."

Seize this day.

Raise your standards. Stop wondering what this man's feelings are toward you. I mean, who really cares? He doesn't make you happy. You don't have a relationship. He's not worth another second of your time.

Hold out for a man who will make your happiness a priority, a real man whose actions match his words and who never lets you wonder for a minute whether he loves you.

You deserve a good deal more than what you're putting up with now, and you'd be better off on your own.

You can get over this man. You will get over him. Tell yourself, "I refuse to let a person of such low quality ever have power over me ever again."

He Broke Up With Her, and She's Broken-Hearted

Dear Terry,

My boyfriend just broke up with me because he said that we were getting too serious. He's in the Air Force, and he's deploying in June for six months. I love him, and I want him back.

I don't know what to do. He was so sad when we talked and said that he didn't want to "hold me back" while he was gone. I told him that he wouldn't, that he was what I wanted, but it didn't sway him. It was a very calm conversation, neither of us were yelling and we both really listened to the other, but it still ended with it being over. I feel like he will realize what he's lost in me...or maybe that is just naive hope.

My heart is so broken that I can't even cry about it - I just feel so numb. I know that I should focus on taking care of myself and going after my goals in life. My friends say that he'll either miss me and get in touch or he won't. That makes sense to my head, but my heart... my heart is just shattered.

If there is anything that you think I should do or any advice that you have for me please let me know. This man is kind, smart, funny, honest, respectful and loving. Not that he doesn't have any faults, but although he isn't perfect I feel like he's perfect for me.

Please help.

G in VA

Dear G-

My heart goes out to you. There's nothing worse than being broken up with by someone you love, especially when things were going well, and you thought you had a future together.

Of course you're shattered.You have every right to be. At this point, since you haven't even been able to fully process the breakup, it's really too soon to think about pursuing goals or even going out and trying to have a good time with your friends.

This guy seems to have made up his mind, for better or worse, and I suggest you let him live with his decision. Don't try to change his mind. It puts you in the position of a beggar, and you're better than that.

Instead, spend time trying to accept this breakup. Let it hurt. Accept the hurt. If you can do that, you will make your way to a happier place. I know you don't believe me right now, but you will.

And do take extremely good care of yourself. This means not devising scenes in your head of how you went wrong, and how you could have done things differently to show him that he's crazy to leave you. Leave it alone.

Eat food that nourishes you and makes you happy (in moderation). If there's a trip or an event you've been putting off, and you think you might feel up to it, please do. Speak to yourself as you would a beloved child. Treat yourself tenderly. Avoid people who want to rehash the breakup, who demand "What happened?"

It will also help to keep conversations about the guy to an absolute minimum. You may have trouble getting him out of your head for a while, but the less you speak or hear his name, the easier it will become.

Sure, it's possible he'll change his mind and realize that he made a mistake by letting you go. But it's possible he won't. You can't waste your life wondering. Consider the possibility that the relationship you had with him was just a dress rehearsal for something much, much better.

I wish you every good thing in the world.

When the Baby Daddy Has a Secret Life

Dear Terry,

What if you start realising a guy is a player after you've had a child with him? By being a player here I mean web-flirting addict (he swears it is just that, although he is subscribed to a number of online sites for sex encounters, and is contacting hundreds of girls, mainly from our area). Although I have no evidence for now that he is doing the same thing in real life when I m not there (i.e. at work etc.).

All my friends and family think he is a great partner, crazy about me, and a most devoted father of our newborn child. I thought so too until recently, however, it's been months since I have started finding evidence to his secret life.

After I've faced him with these facts a few months ago, he cried when he thought I'd leave him, and he said he felt ashamed, that nothing ever happened in the real life (he said he just liked to see if the girls were up to his proposals, and, that it was like a disease for him and that he wants to stop, but now I am on trace to some more similar stuff (although it seems it is less in quantity than before) and don't know what to do.

Also, I have suspicions about someone he'd met in real life and whom he wanted to go out with (I don't know if they actually did go out, but I have seen messages between him and this girl -- that he d never mentioned to me -- that he would like to see her. Apparently, she gave him her phone number one night in the restaurant where he works. I still didn't talk about this one with him, I am kind of ashamed to let him know I've read his messages again (I am not normally like this but I have had no choice since I have had some strong suspicions, and he wouldn't admit anything). Until now he sweared he did nothing similar in the real life like he did online, but I am pretty sure he had sex with this girl in the end, unless she was the one to say no. What else does one think with evidence like this?

What do you do in a situation like this, with a newborn in the middle? We have a one month old kid, so it is not so simple to run for the hills immediately, as I most probably would have, had I been alone with him.

I love your emails and I would be forever greatful if you'd find the time to answer to my question while it is still timely for my situation.

Many, many thanks to you....


-My Child's Father is Not What he Seems


Dear Seems:

Give yourself credit for following your instincts and calling this guy on his destructive behavior. He says he has a "disease" and wants to stop it, but has he sought treatment?

Since you have a newborn, you're right, you can't just hightail it out of there, but you can certainly start working on a plan to get out if he fails to get the help he so badly needs.

To do that, you'll need emotional support. That means -- if he doesn't get treatment -- you may have to burst the bubble of people who love you and believed that he was a great boyfriend and father. Tell the people you trust and who will help you and not gossip about you and the truth about your situation.

You would probably do well to get counseling yourself. A professional can help you get over the trust issues that result from finding yourself in a relationship with a less than faithful person. She (or he) can also help you and your little one get started on a more secure and joyful life.

You deserve it.

He's Divorced, Or So He Says

Dear Terry,

I love your letters! They help navigate us through a maze of confusion! I have been dating a man for almost a year. He has told me he loves me and wants to marry me. He is the man of my dreams.

Recently, I was devastated because I found out his divorce is not final. His wife has been living with another man for many (30+) years. They started the divorce proceedings several years ago but have not finalized the financial aspect of it.

Whenever I would ask him when he got divorced, he'd always be fuzzy about his answer. I asked him to see the divorce decree and he said all right. I finally pinned him down, and he had to admit that LEGALLY the divorce is not final. He says that, for all practical purposes, he considers himself divorced. I feel like he has been dishonest with me, but he says he does not feel that way because he'd always tell me the financial part was not final. Why couldn't he just tell me, "No. I am not legally divorced." Am I being too picky?

-Bewildered

Dear Bewildered:

For "all practical purposes" he considers himself divorced. He says he wants to marry you, but surely he is aware that he cannot marry you until the legal system views him that way.

Do I think you're being too picky?

I most certainly do not. I know you have deep feelings for this man, but I implore you to think seriously about furthering a relationship with a person who can't tell the truth about something as simple as his marital status.

Ask yourself, what had he to gain by lying to you about this little detail? Ask yourself, what else is he capable of lying about?

Please think about this. A healthy relationship depends on trust. You deserve the truth.

Should You Move In With Him?

Hi, Terry,

I was just wondering what your advice would be about under what circumstances it is okay to move in with someone?

-Thinking About It


Dear Thinking:

I have mixed feelings about living together, really.

Part of me gets the 'try before you buy' theory; live with a guy so you know exactly what you're getting before you bind yourself for life to him. The other part of me says you're better off keeping your own place and just doing your very best to get to know him before you tie the knot (if that's even your goal; we'll go into that in a minute). Let time do its job. Keep your eyes and ears open. Be truthful with yourself.

Know that the qualities a man displays before you marry him will only become increasingly apparent after you marry him. All of us -- men and women -- are on our best behavior when we're dating, so figure if a man's selfish now, he's only going to get worse later. Conversely, if he's kind and generous and funny now, he's probably going to be all those things later.

You don't have to live together to know that a guy who snaps at a waitress is probably one of these days going to snap at you. Or that a guy who flips out when he can't remember where he parked his car might harbor a few anger issues.

The danger of living together (in my view; others may disagree) before you're married is that it can take some of the fun out of actually getting married. In other words, you've already got a microwave and sex has become seriously routine. I've read about people who try to mitigate the problem of too much familiarity by establishing a no-sex rule weeks or months prior to the wedding, but that seems to me jarring and weird. And then there are those instances where the man or the woman no longer even sees the point of getting married: Things are fine the way they are, they figure, so why rock the boat?

Again, to some women (and men) it's important to see exactly what they're signing on for, so they opt to live together. But there are women who move in with the goal of convincing a man that she's going to be his perfect wife. She immediately takes on what she perceives as wifely duties (i.e., cooking, cleaning, ironing, changing the sheets, taking care of his dry cleaning, and so on). It drives me nuts.

It's a lot of unnecessary work.

So, if you're thinking about moving in with someone, know what your goal is. Do you want to get to know a man well enough to make sure he's the right one? If so, could you be better off doing that while maintaining your own turf?

If you're in it mainly for sex and reducing your expenses, make sure he's in it for the same thing, so that he doesn't get hurt. Be open to the possibility he's in it for sex and reducing expenses. If he is, and you're hoping for something more, be fair to yourself and stay in your own apartment.

If you see living together as a step toward marriage, know that it indeed could be a step toward it. Then again, it very well may not. If you want to get married, be open to the possibility that you still may still be living together without a formal commitment five years from now.

I have a good friend who lived with a woman for 15 years, and then learned she'd been seeing other guys all along. He moved on and, after dating a woman who shares his values for just nine months, exchanged rings with her. They've been married for seven years.

I hope I've been clear, and I certainly hope this helps.

Thanks for writing.

Terry

He Asked Her to Pay on the First Date

Hi Terry,

I went on a first date yesterday with a guy I met online. We met for brunch, and it was nice. A little awkward at first but after an hour or so we both relaxed. We decided to then head to another cafe for coffee where we sat on this comfy sofa and drank coffee and listened to French music. We stayed there chatting and relaxing with each other, and the next thing I knew, it was dark outside.

So we decided to go to a local wine shop. I bought a bottle of wine, and we took it back to his apartment. Dont worry, I didn't sleep with him. We simply drank the wine while listening to to his music collection and looking at photos from all his extensive travels over the world.

At this point, we'd been hanging out for about 8 hours! A new record for both of us. We clicked and felt really comfortable with each other. We talked about everything, family, NYC, friends, food, music, you name it. During the time at his apartment we shared our first kiss. It was nice, and I was enjoying myself. So we decided to go get dinner. We went to a little Mexican spot near his place, and we had a couple of margaritas and awesome food.

Now here is the problem. When the bill came, he asked me if we could split it. I've never paid for a first date and always believed the guy should pay for it. That's how its always been. I acted cool and just said, "Sure!" In the end, he did pay for the entire bill because the restaurant was cash only, and I only had a credit card. Now I'm confused about this guy and how I should proceed with him, if at all. Should I tell him that it bothered me that he asked me to pay? Should I let it go?

I liked him but I'm not sure how to feel about a guy who doesn't want to pay for the first date. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I spent a total of 12 hours with this guy on a first date, and everything was great except this one little part.

Thanks so much, Terry!

-Reluctant

Dear Reluctant-

I'm not sure why the guy asked you to pay for dinner, but you're right to be turned off. As you know, I'm all for equality of the sexes, but men tell me (the normal ones, anyway) that they expect to pay for a first date. They also say that when a woman offers to pay, it leads them to believe she's not interested.

I would have serious reservations about continuing to see a man who didn't offer to pay the first or even the second time around. As I got to know him better (and felt we were on surer ground), I'd be glad to offer to pay for dinner or drinks on occasion. In fact, I'd feel very good about it.

But back to you:

It sounds as if you packed three dates into one. It's great that you felt you hit it off, but the best course of action would have been to say "Thank you and nice meeting you" after brunch. (I hope he paid for brunch.)

Instead, you bought wine and went to his apartment, which was a bad idea. For one thing, you met the guy online. You broke a big safety rule here; you cannot go home with strangers. From now on, meet men you encounter online in public places. Stay in public places until you know them well enough to do otherwise. You don't get into their cars, let alone go to their apartments.

(You write, "Don't worry. I didn't sleep with him." No, but you did jeopardize your safety. Please give this serious thought.)

You don't mention if he made a move when you got back to his place (other than the kiss, that is), so I don't know what his intentions were. If he made the move, and you resisted, he may have decided not to invest any more money in the encounter.

This would show him to be cheap and pathetic.

If he makes contact, I wouldn't mention his request that you kick in for dinner, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't go out with him again, either. If you do decide to give him another chance, be prepared. He's probably going to ask you to pull out your wallet.

The next time you meet a man with potential, please remember a rule of human nature: People want what they can't have. So keep your dates short (in other words, keep a man wanting more). Keep your dates public. Don't call the guy afterwards. Let him call you.

I'm not an advocate of waiting by the phone or holding up your life in the hopes that some prince will rescue you from your perfectly fine life, so stay busy and happy. Let him decide whether he's going to step up and prove himself worthy of your attention.

In the meantime, don't be hard on yourself. We all make mistakes.

A Guy With a Girlfriend is Not Good Boyfriend Material

Hi Terry,

Thanks for all your emails. Recently I started dating this guy that I really love, but he told me he had a girlfriend at the beginning of the relationship. He tells me he loves so much, and from time to time he puts me through tests, and I end up always failing his test.

I have tried to explain to him that am human and he can't put me through an emotional test and expect me to pass. He tells me on different occasions that I should be patient with him when I ask for commitment. I really love this guy, but recently I told him to give me a break, and he replied, "Baby, you are toooooo impatient. Well, if you want to call it off. It's okay. I appreciate you." This happened last Sunday and since then, he has called me, b ut we didn't really talk towards the relationship. I don't want to lose this guy. I really love him.

What do I do?

-Tested

Dear Tested-

You can't lose this guy because you never really had him. Whenever a man tells you he has a girlfriend, the correct response is, "Why are you talking to me?" Then walk away and stay away. You are not the first woman to make the mistake of falling for an unavailable man, and you won't be the last.

This guy sounds like a complete player. Please do call it off with him. Stop seeing him immediately. Stop taking his calls. Fill your calendar with fun activities and people who love you and make you laugh.

Yeah, I know you're attracted to this guy, and you don't think you can do it, but you can. Anyway, what kind of a future can you expect with a man who runs around on his girlfriend? If he likes you as much as he claims, what's the hold up? Why hasn't he been honest and ended it with her?

He's not honest. That's the problem.

And about these 'tests' he puts you through: What's up with that? It's not healthy behavior.

Please open yourself to the very real possibility that there's someone out there who's eager to treat you like gold. How does that make you feel? Happy? Or does it scare the heck out of you? Are you willing to make yourself available to a man who truly appreciates you and never lets you forget it?

If not, why not?

Please give this serious thought.

He Says He Loves Her, But He Won't Marry Her

Hi, Terry-

I really, really like your blog and advice. I was little bit afraid to share my story, but I feel I need some advice from someone on the side. I have been with my bf for more than 2 yrs and we love each other so much; we live together we travel together a lot share same interest, but there is one little thing: I am not American.

I came on a visa. We fell in love, and it was amazing. But my visa expired and I couldn't get a new one I had to choose to stay illegally and be with him or go home.(He didn't want to do a fake marriage, so I can stay legally. Was a hard decision but I knew our love was worth to stay. And now year and a half later I am still here illegally, haven't seen my family for four years, and I can't leave the country because they won't let me come back. I live every day in fear I can get caught and deported and everything will be over. He knows all this, and he understands how much I suffer and that he can help us and change the things but he won't do it.)

I can't have a normal life, working under the table not feeling like a normal person. He says he wants to have future with me, travel the world together come visit my country, but when I bring up the subject of marriage he says he is not ready. I don't understand...I can't keep on going like this. I keep dreaming one day he will propose and having hopes in vain. I told him the other day that he needs to make some decision about what we gonna do that I am ready to make the next step, and all he says is I am not ready. I love you I can't imagine life without you, but I am not ready to get married. But having our relationship in my situation is stressful and risky. I made so many compromises to to be here like this. Please any advice? He is amazing and loving and caring, but I feel he doesn't want to grow up and commit and he will be 31 and I will be 30.

-A Woman Without a Country

Dear Woman Who Deserves Better Than This:

Your first step is to get a good immigration lawyer, someone who can explain in plain language what your options are. Use the savings you planned to spend on a wedding here; it's a vital investment. This boyfriend of yours is not looking out for you, so you have to look out for yourself.

Now, re-read this sentence you wrote:

"I made so many compromises to be here like this."

You have indeed made many compromises. You've compromised your relationship with your family, your peace of mind, your self-esteem, your youth, and perhaps your morals (it's clear you don't enjoy breaking the law) to pin your hopes on some guy who claims to love you.

He says he doesn't want to get married, and you're still waiting for him to "make a decision." He's made a decision.

Now you have to make a decision. Please get over the idea that this individual is the only man for you. Get over the idea that you're almost 30, and you'd better bag a husband fast. The most powerful (and attractive) thing you can do right now is work on your self-esteem. Understand that you deserve better than a man who'd so selfishly and cavalierly allow you to sacrifice so much in return for so very little.

After you get hold of the good lawyer, I wholeheartedly recommend you read a book by Louise Hay entitled, You Can Heal Your Life. Some people object to Hay because she's New Age, but the affirmations are extremely valuable. Ignore any New Age stuff if it doesn't appeal to you (it doesn't appeal to me), but do use the affirmations.

A good affirmation can do wonders to build your self-esteem, and once you build your self-esteem, you'll attract (and accept) much better circumstances.

If you repeat an affirmation out loud (privately, of course) at least 25 times a day, you'll definitely feel a shift within a couple of weeks. Here are two you can use right away:

"I love myself unconditionally."

"I deserve all the best life has to offer."

In the meantime, I wish you every good thing in the world.

Want to Help a Woman Out?

I received the following request from a reader:

Hey Terry,

I'm working on a graduate research project about nonverbal behaviors during first dates. I'm looking for participants who have online dating experience and I'm hoping you would be willing to attach the link to my anonymous survey. If you want to preview the study before you make your decision I'd greatly appreciate it.

Thanks, Angie.

If you'd like to help Angie out by anonymously answering a series of questions (none too personal, I assure you), please click the link she provided. Again, she's looking for people who actually have online dating experience.

Completing the survey should take you no more than 10 minutes and will help a fellow female achieve a goal and make her way in the world. To participate, click here.

Law of Attraction to Get You Married

Hi, Terry-

I always enjoy your emails. I would like to know if you have anything on having trouble getting a man to marriage. I have no problem getting them to a relationship. They are even willing to live with me. But none so far want marriage. What is a good answer/comeback when they say, yes I want a relationship with you. Let's move in together. Let's buy a house together. Even have kids together. But NO to marriage.

Thanks
A.


Dear A.

You know what you want, and that's a good thing. You're not moving in with these people, pretending that you can change their minds about marriage after you've been living with them for a while.

Just because you're attracting men who are willing to do everything with you except make it legal doesn't mean all men reject the idea of marriage (not by a long shot). The next time someone refuses to marry you but suggests you bear his children, just say, "No, thank you. I want to get married, and I'm going to hold out for a man who wants to get married and spend the rest of his life with me."

Then walk away.

In the meantime, picture yourself being married, not to some clown who asked you to give birth to his children, but to a man who treasures you and makes your happiness a priority.

What would this marriage look like?

Feel like?

Taste like?

Sound like?

Smell like?

In other words, bring in all your senses and make it real in your imagination. 'See' a wedding ring on your finger. Feel yourself holding the hand of the man who wears the ring you gave him.

Keep saying 'no' to men who offer you less than what you want. Keep bringing a happy marriage to life in your imagination. Do it morning, noon, and night. Do it every day. Keep it up.

It's called using the Law of Attraction, and it's powerful. Use it and watch out! After a while, you'll find yourself attracting a man who wants the same things you do.

To the Reader Who Submitted a Question (which I Somehow Lost)

You're the reader who submitted a question about a man you once dated quite seriously, who later got involved with someone else. After that relationship ended, he started up with you again, only to tell you that the other woman was his 'soulmate.'

The bottom line was, he says he doesn't want to take things further with you. You love him, and you're confused and hurt.

(I hope I remember all the details correctly.)

First, let me apologize profusely for having somehow hit the wrong button, which sent your very important question (which was, essentially, how do you get him to change his mind?) into some never-ending rabbit hole.

I am so sorry.

I am also sorry about the situation with this man, but the worst thing you can do is try to convince him that you're the woman for him. Trust me. The more you do this, the more he'll be convinced the other woman really is the soul mate who got away.

You're in a lot of pain, obviously, so the best thing you can do is take extremely good care of yourself. Treat yourself as a treasure yet to be discovered (in other words, if you actually were with this guy, how would you want him to treat you? Treat yourself that way.)

You'd do well to stay busy. I think it's way too early to try to be this guy's supportive friend, and if you do it in the hopes that he'll come to his senses that you're the woman for him, I fear you'll be disappointed.

Fill your time with good, supportive, fun people who make you laugh. Avoid any living person needles you by bringing his name up out of the blue, as in, "Have you heard from X?" Or, "So what's going on with you and X?" (Tell people who love you and make the mistake of bringing him up that you're moving on and have taken his name out of your vocabulary.)

Also, avoid people who try to justify his behavior as a reason for you to be patient, as in, "You know, he's afraid of getting hurt. Give him time."

Guess what? Everybody (including you, I imagine) is afraid of being hurt.

Stop worrying about him. Stop talking about him altogether. Do your best to stop thinking of him.

Please let this guy go. In your absense, it's possible he'll miss you. If he does, tread very carefully with him. Don't rush into his arms. Guard your heart.

If he doesn't miss you, well, you'll be that much farther along in enjoying your new life --and all its possibilities -- without him.

Never underestimate the power of letting go. You'll get stronger, for one thing. If you treat yourself well (instead of the rejected girl or the loser at love) and open yourself to the possibility that there's someone out there who you wouldn't have to arm-twist into seeing your greatness, you will become used to being treated well. You will have raised your standards.

And that also is a powerful thing. It's also attractive.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and if you have a chance, drop me a line and let me know how you're doing.

Take the Pressure Off Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day. Whether you're a fan or not, the thing that matters most is the quality of your relationships, not some card or gift. And your most important relationship is with yourself.

If you're dating someone now, great; I'll get to you in a minute.

If you're not dating anyone right now, you certainly have at least one wonderful person in your life. And I mean you. Today, treat yourself as a treasure yet to be discovered. Imagine how the most desirable guy in the world would treat you and treat yourself that way.

This is important. When you make a habit of treating yourself like a treasure yet to be discovered, men pick up on it. You become a magnet for men who want a woman they can treasure.

It happened to me.

Buy yourself something special (just don't go into debt). Savor food you love to eat. Grab a fun friend (note that I said 'fun friend;' avoid complainers like the swine flu). Rent a good movie, pop some corn, and have a cocktail.

Have fun!

If you are in a relationship, don't get caught up in the hype. Some men are into Valentine's Day, and some don't get it at all (I don't really like it myself. My feeling is, if you love somebody, you should show them every day, not just on Valentine's Day). So,if the guy doesn't come bearing extravagant gifts, be open to the possibility that he thinks Valentine's Day is the over-hyped commercial holiday I do.

(Now, if he forgets your birthday, that's another story.)

More important than Valentine's Day, today begins MARDI GRAS week, so if you live near a Cajun restaurant, check out the party (Peter and I, never the Valentine's Day revelers, are headed to our favorite Cajun place with friends on Long Island tonight).

Life is short. Enjoy every minute of it!

Show Me the Love Every Day, Not Just on a Hallmark Holiday

Last September, Keysha Whitaker, my partner at Single Women Rule, came up with the idea of a blog crawl. Readers liked it, and one of the participating bloggers decided to try one of her own, which she's calling (to be fair to Keysha!) a blog-a-thon, instead of a blog crawl.

That blogger is Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, who teaches her male and female clients who want to get married to actually get married, as opposed to turning themselves into lifelong daters.

The blog-a-thon's subject is Valentine's Day, a 'holiday' that has always made me a bit queasy (have you seen those commmercials geared to men who want to stay out of trouble with their 'sweethearts?' Note to husband: I don't want flowers, chocolate, a pajama gram, or a freaking teddy bear. I get it that you love me; I don't need any of that crap to prove it).

Check out my post on Ronnie's blog-a-thon here. I addressed the subject of Valentine's Day, but not in a way (I hope) that makes you queasy.

What am I doing for Valentine's Day?

We're getting our taxes done (like working out, it feels better afterwards), and then we're meeting up with friends for dinner, drinks, and fun.

What are you doing? Do tell. Whatever it is, make it empowering and fun!

I'm Excited to Be Part of This

Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan asked me to take part in her blog-a-thon, which started Monday and will run through Valentine's Day, February 14th. My post will appear on Friday, February 12th at After 40 Dating Tips, but don't wait until Friday. Check out her other guest bloggers now!

Here's some more info:

Valentine's Day Blog-a-thon Starts Monday, February 8th

Dating Tips to Find Love

(February 6, 2010) Better than a telethon, the first ever Valentine's Day Blog-a-thon raises awareness (instead of money) for the positive aspects of celebrating Valentine's Day as a single adult. While this holiday often causes single women everywhere to cringe, the Blog-a-thon has been created to shift that reaction to a more upbeat outlook.

Beginning Monday, February 8th, guest bloggers from some of the Internet's most popular sites, will be sharing their insights to help single women enjoy a day that is traditionally reserved for couples, and offer advice for finding the love they want.

Unite with countless single readers to take in this virtual tour of the web's best dating experts. Featured guest bloggers include:

Monday, 2/8: The Dating Goddess (www.DatingGoddess.com) who has one of the top-ranked dating advice sites and has published more than a dozen books about dating in the Adventures of Delicious Dating after 40 book series.

Tuesday, 2/9: Alyssa Johnson, MSW, LCSW, of www.RemarriageSuccess.com helps divorced parents move into new relationships and successful step families, and is the author of over 250 published articles and 4 books, with an active counseling practice.

Wednesday, 2/10: Laurie Davis is the founder of www.eFlirtExpert.com and co-host of the weekly web show, www.LoveNation.com. She helps singles market themselves to become successful daters, is the current NY Tech Dating Examiner and a contributing writer for The Guyds.

Thursday, 2/11: SingleMomSeeking is one of the best dating bloggers (as reviewed by about.com Guide to Dating) specializes in being a parent while looking for love at www.singlemomseeking.com/blog and author of Single Mom Seeking: Play Dates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World.

Friday, 2/12: Terry Hernon MacDonald, expert dating blogger at www.HappyGirlMusing.com is the author of the hot selling ebook, How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams.

Saturday, 2/13: DeAnna Lorraine, innovative Dating and Relationship Coach and NLP Practitioner, helps clients transform their love life to succeed with the opposite sex at www.DeAnnaLorraine.com

Sunday, 2/14: Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, The Dating Coach has helped over 2,000 singles to successfully jump start or accelerate their search for love. She is also a speaker, workshop leader, author of MANifesting Mr. Right and founder of www.NeverTooLate.biz.

Guest bloggers have been selected for their specific expertise to inform, inspire, and motivate singles to enjoy what is normally the most dreaded retail holiday of the year. In addition, single women, whether divorced, widowed or never married can learn from the sage dating wisdom these experts share.

Ronnie Ann Ryan, creator of the Valentine's Day Blog-a-thon said, "This is a ground-breaking opportunity for single women to rethink their reaction to Valentine's Day and transform the holiday experience into something enjoyable and positive."

Check out Ronnie Ann Ryan's Valentine's Day Blog-a-thon at After 40 Dating Tips !

She Doesn't Want Him to Think She's a Slut

Hi, Terry-

I am a 33-year-old woman who was in a 13-year relationship that is not working out. I want to try to start dating again.

I met this guy who I liked and hung out with him and some other friends. We somehow got separated from the friends and ended up at his house. Of course, he wanted to have sex. I was not sure if it's ok to have sex being with someone the first time. Or should I wait? We were kissing and touching and things got heavy, but I put a stop to it. I don't want him to think I am a tease. My question is, is it ok to have sex on the first date or on the first time meeting? Would he think that I am a slut or too easy? If you can please answer my question, I would appreciate it. Thank you.

-Not a Slut

Dear Not-

You've been out of the dating scene since you just left your teens, so it's new and unfamiliar territory.

Here are some things you need to know:

-When you meet a new man, and his goal is to have sex (as opposed to spending time and getting to know you), he may be especially charming and "somehow separate" you from other people so that he can have sex with you.

-Whether it is okay to have sex with a person you just met is entirely up to you, but first you might want to find out if he takes regular showers, is free of disease, and possesses a soul.

-You should never worry about a man you had sex with thinking you're a slut. He had sex with you, too. Do you think he's a slut? A man who would have sex with you and call you a slut is a hypocrite. Discard him immediately.

You say you want to start dating again. What's your goal? Do you want to meet a man you can love and spend the rest of your life with? Or do you want to take time off from serious relationships and just play the field for a while?

While it's possible to find love after sex on a first meeting, it usually doesn't happen. People tend to get freaked out about what they should expect and how they should behave. So, if it's a relationship you want, hold off on the sex. Get to know the guy.

Make sure he's even worth your time.