Dear Terry,
I love your letters! They help navigate us through a maze of confusion! I have been dating a man for almost a year. He has told me he loves me and wants to marry me. He is the man of my dreams.
Recently, I was devastated because I found out his divorce is not final. His wife has been living with another man for many (30+) years. They started the divorce proceedings several years ago but have not finalized the financial aspect of it.
Whenever I would ask him when he got divorced, he'd always be fuzzy about his answer. I asked him to see the divorce decree and he said all right. I finally pinned him down, and he had to admit that LEGALLY the divorce is not final. He says that, for all practical purposes, he considers himself divorced. I feel like he has been dishonest with me, but he says he does not feel that way because he'd always tell me the financial part was not final. Why couldn't he just tell me, "No. I am not legally divorced." Am I being too picky?
-Bewildered
Dear Bewildered:
For "all practical purposes" he considers himself divorced. He says he wants to marry you, but surely he is aware that he cannot marry you until the legal system views him that way.
Do I think you're being too picky?
I most certainly do not. I know you have deep feelings for this man, but I implore you to think seriously about furthering a relationship with a person who can't tell the truth about something as simple as his marital status.
Ask yourself, what had he to gain by lying to you about this little detail? Ask yourself, what else is he capable of lying about?
Please think about this. A healthy relationship depends on trust. You deserve the truth.
Showing posts with label dating a married man. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating a married man. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Thursday, October 08, 2009
You Can Change Your Life
Dear Terry:
At 18 I had a love at first sight relationship, and we were great friends, but after two years on-and-off, we ended it. I had a few fun relationships in my early 20s, but then some disastrous abusive relationships. I chose to return to university for fulfillment and achievement. However a number of factors led to a nervous breakdown, and I moved back in with my parents.
My father was repressive and domineering, and my self-esteem and sense of independence were shattered. In my mid-30s I returned again to university to earn a Masters Degree. However, my efforts have been impeded by homelessness, financial bankruptcy, and abusive and repressive attitudes when I should have been able to celebrate my achievements. As a result, my 30s were ruined because I was trying to survive. I was not free to enjoy supportive relationships or to have children.
Most of my male friends disappeared, and I miss those friendships. Not to mention the fact that I want a real relationship.
While working on my MA , I had an awesome encounter with a man I used to work closely with. We have met since, but he is married and lives on another continent. My emotions are in turmoil.
I have just turned 40, and only three friends wished me a happy birthday, although they are all aware I require some support. I don't actually meet men I like, as the situation has been too stressful, and I've had to put all my energy into finding accommodation and living expenses.
Any advice?
-Want a Fresh Start
Dear Fresh Start-
I edited your letter for clarity and hope I've done a decent job of it.
I have to get this out of the way: I am not a licensed health professional. I do suggest you get the name of a good, supportive, caring therapist whose goal is to help you move on with your life as soon as possible.
Since you know you struggle with self-esteem issues (which lead to all sorts of other issues, including the loss of friends, getting involved in bad relationships, and other self-destructive behavior), I suggest you take out of the library You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It's an effective, easy-to-digest book that's helped many people (you might also be able to borrow the DVD by the same name; it's good, too).
As far as your friends go, I do not know how you've treated them, or even if they were really friends or just acquaintances, but one of the most powerful things we can do when we feel lonely and abandoned is to be a friend to someone else. There is a human being out there who needs a friend even more than you do.
Can you find the time to be a friend to someone else? If you can, it will do wonders for your self-esteem. It may also lead to wonderful opportunities.
As for the man with the wife on another continent, the encounter may have been awesome, but how much time would you really want to spend with an individual who cheats on his wife? I mean, if you were married, would you want your husband to cheat on you?
I don't care how bad things look right now. You can do better than a man who cheats on his wife.
Once again, please do get hold of an excellent therapist who can help you build the self-esteem you deserve. I wish you every happiness.
-Terry
At 18 I had a love at first sight relationship, and we were great friends, but after two years on-and-off, we ended it. I had a few fun relationships in my early 20s, but then some disastrous abusive relationships. I chose to return to university for fulfillment and achievement. However a number of factors led to a nervous breakdown, and I moved back in with my parents.
My father was repressive and domineering, and my self-esteem and sense of independence were shattered. In my mid-30s I returned again to university to earn a Masters Degree. However, my efforts have been impeded by homelessness, financial bankruptcy, and abusive and repressive attitudes when I should have been able to celebrate my achievements. As a result, my 30s were ruined because I was trying to survive. I was not free to enjoy supportive relationships or to have children.
Most of my male friends disappeared, and I miss those friendships. Not to mention the fact that I want a real relationship.
While working on my MA , I had an awesome encounter with a man I used to work closely with. We have met since, but he is married and lives on another continent. My emotions are in turmoil.
I have just turned 40, and only three friends wished me a happy birthday, although they are all aware I require some support. I don't actually meet men I like, as the situation has been too stressful, and I've had to put all my energy into finding accommodation and living expenses.
Any advice?
-Want a Fresh Start
Dear Fresh Start-
I edited your letter for clarity and hope I've done a decent job of it.
I have to get this out of the way: I am not a licensed health professional. I do suggest you get the name of a good, supportive, caring therapist whose goal is to help you move on with your life as soon as possible.
Since you know you struggle with self-esteem issues (which lead to all sorts of other issues, including the loss of friends, getting involved in bad relationships, and other self-destructive behavior), I suggest you take out of the library You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It's an effective, easy-to-digest book that's helped many people (you might also be able to borrow the DVD by the same name; it's good, too).
As far as your friends go, I do not know how you've treated them, or even if they were really friends or just acquaintances, but one of the most powerful things we can do when we feel lonely and abandoned is to be a friend to someone else. There is a human being out there who needs a friend even more than you do.
Can you find the time to be a friend to someone else? If you can, it will do wonders for your self-esteem. It may also lead to wonderful opportunities.
As for the man with the wife on another continent, the encounter may have been awesome, but how much time would you really want to spend with an individual who cheats on his wife? I mean, if you were married, would you want your husband to cheat on you?
I don't care how bad things look right now. You can do better than a man who cheats on his wife.
Once again, please do get hold of an excellent therapist who can help you build the self-esteem you deserve. I wish you every happiness.
-Terry
Friday, February 06, 2009
In Love With a Married Man (Why Won't He Leave His Wife?)
Dear Terry,
I am writing to you out of frustration. I do not know if you would reply my email, but I would like to find a way out of my problem, so I write this email still.
Once, I had a relationship with a married man. However, one day he wanted to break up because he thinks our relationship is wrong and he does not want to make his life complicated. Upon hearing that, I reacted strongly since I love him dearly and I am quite sure he loves me too. I begged, cried, shouted at him. You name it. At first, he still answered my calls and talked to me, though coolly. Nevertheless, one day he asked me not to contact him anymore.
A few months later, his wife sent me a message confronting my relationship with him. I was very shocked because I had never thought he would confess to her. At that time, I was furious at him for not only breaking up with me but also exposing our relationship to his wife. Yet, my fury did not last long. Several days later, I realized that I still love him. This happens all the time I feel angry, even until now.
Becoming another woman is unpopular, so I could not discuss my relationship freely with my friends. There are very few who finally know because I feel I am about to burst keeping this inside my chest for so long. My friends suggest letting him go because he is not worthy and because our relationship is wrong and impossible (our religious belief does not allow divorce). However, deep inside my heart I want him and only him. I love him and only him. That is why I ignore my friends' suggestions and practice affirmation.
I have been practicing affirmation for about 1 year with no clear results. It is difficult to keep on practicing (and I do easily discouraged) when the facts are not favourable towards me (Honestly, I should say that things spiraled down afterwards) and my friends do not support me (I hate when they tell me to move on). I could not picture myself with another but I don't know how to get back with him. I have tried every way possible and acceptable for me, but still no results.
This problem has really clipped my spirit and robbed my peace of mind that it starts affecting my work and my social relations. Do you have any suggestion whatsoever? Thank you so much, at least for reading this far.
-In Love
Dear In Love,
I am so sorry about the unhappiness and frustration you're feeling.
Here is the truth: The man left the relationship, and no effort (mental, emotional, or physical) can bring him back. He is gone to you.
Affirmations work in drawing the right person to you; you specify the qualities you want in a man. You don't specify which particular man you want because that person may not be the right one for you. And a married man just isn't.
Have you ever thought about what it would really be like if he fulfilled your fantasy and left his wife for you? Over time, would his guilt over the situation cause him to resent you? Would your guilt cause you to resent him? Would you worry that because he left one woman for you, he would one day leave you for another woman?
It doesn't matter if he loves you, or if he doesn't. He knows the relationship is wrong, and he can't live with it. He's not going to live with it.
You say you love him and can't picture yourself with anyone else. You are living in a self-imposed prison when you deserve to be free and happy.
Let yourself get used to the fact that this man isn't coming back. Accept it. Let it hurt. And then you can start to feel better. Since you can't picture yourself with anyone else, don't. You're not ready yet.
You need time on your own. Spend time taking very good care of yourself, doing the things you liked doing before this man entered the picture. Treat yourself as you would a beloved child. Before long, the curtain will lift and the sun will filter in, and you'll feel your first glimmer of happiness.
Please take me seriously. You need to take steps to reclaim your life, or you'll wake up five years from now, still stuck but sadder and older.
I'll keep you in my thoughts, and I wish you the very best.
Terry
I am writing to you out of frustration. I do not know if you would reply my email, but I would like to find a way out of my problem, so I write this email still.
Once, I had a relationship with a married man. However, one day he wanted to break up because he thinks our relationship is wrong and he does not want to make his life complicated. Upon hearing that, I reacted strongly since I love him dearly and I am quite sure he loves me too. I begged, cried, shouted at him. You name it. At first, he still answered my calls and talked to me, though coolly. Nevertheless, one day he asked me not to contact him anymore.
A few months later, his wife sent me a message confronting my relationship with him. I was very shocked because I had never thought he would confess to her. At that time, I was furious at him for not only breaking up with me but also exposing our relationship to his wife. Yet, my fury did not last long. Several days later, I realized that I still love him. This happens all the time I feel angry, even until now.
Becoming another woman is unpopular, so I could not discuss my relationship freely with my friends. There are very few who finally know because I feel I am about to burst keeping this inside my chest for so long. My friends suggest letting him go because he is not worthy and because our relationship is wrong and impossible (our religious belief does not allow divorce). However, deep inside my heart I want him and only him. I love him and only him. That is why I ignore my friends' suggestions and practice affirmation.
I have been practicing affirmation for about 1 year with no clear results. It is difficult to keep on practicing (and I do easily discouraged) when the facts are not favourable towards me (Honestly, I should say that things spiraled down afterwards) and my friends do not support me (I hate when they tell me to move on). I could not picture myself with another but I don't know how to get back with him. I have tried every way possible and acceptable for me, but still no results.
This problem has really clipped my spirit and robbed my peace of mind that it starts affecting my work and my social relations. Do you have any suggestion whatsoever? Thank you so much, at least for reading this far.
-In Love
Dear In Love,
I am so sorry about the unhappiness and frustration you're feeling.
Here is the truth: The man left the relationship, and no effort (mental, emotional, or physical) can bring him back. He is gone to you.
Affirmations work in drawing the right person to you; you specify the qualities you want in a man. You don't specify which particular man you want because that person may not be the right one for you. And a married man just isn't.
Have you ever thought about what it would really be like if he fulfilled your fantasy and left his wife for you? Over time, would his guilt over the situation cause him to resent you? Would your guilt cause you to resent him? Would you worry that because he left one woman for you, he would one day leave you for another woman?
It doesn't matter if he loves you, or if he doesn't. He knows the relationship is wrong, and he can't live with it. He's not going to live with it.
You say you love him and can't picture yourself with anyone else. You are living in a self-imposed prison when you deserve to be free and happy.
Let yourself get used to the fact that this man isn't coming back. Accept it. Let it hurt. And then you can start to feel better. Since you can't picture yourself with anyone else, don't. You're not ready yet.
You need time on your own. Spend time taking very good care of yourself, doing the things you liked doing before this man entered the picture. Treat yourself as you would a beloved child. Before long, the curtain will lift and the sun will filter in, and you'll feel your first glimmer of happiness.
Please take me seriously. You need to take steps to reclaim your life, or you'll wake up five years from now, still stuck but sadder and older.
I'll keep you in my thoughts, and I wish you the very best.
Terry
Friday, January 04, 2008
She's Dating A Married Man
Hi Terry,
Thank you so much for your emails. The more I read them, the more wisdom I accumulate.
It's this time of the year when I really reflect on my love life, and what I'm really looking for. I divorced four years ago when I found out my ex-husband had kept a mistress. It broke my heart completely, and I could not forgive him.
But strangely, four years later, the same situation comes up except I am the other girl this time. There is this married man who's been very interested in me. His wife has a three-month-old baby. I know it's immoral, but our chemistry has been unbelievable. He's even better than my ex. Our casual sex was really good each time.
I had tried to keep a distance from him, but he can't help seeing me whenever he can. I let him know I see other guys too, and he lets me know he keeps seeing other girls, too. But then again, he sees me whenever. He's all quiet now when we have sex. I know he's sad also because he can't say anything or do anything about the situation, apart from just enjoying each other's bodies.
His parents were divorced when he was 12. Is that the reason that makes him a compulsive cheater? Will that eventually lead to big problem for his marriage? His wife might sense something but is unlikely to divorce him.
Funny I used to despise those who cheat, but after a few times, I don't feel too guilty about it. But at the same time, I can forgive my husband for what he did because now I understand why he did it.
It's circle of life and I'm running around it, there is no right or wrong, you just take it or leave it, is that right?
Meanwhile, I'm thinking of doing online dating, I want to know more about a man first by email before I see him. Is it a good idea?
-Running around
Dear Running-
I'm so sorry that your husband cheated on you. I can only imagine how devastated you must have felt.
But you know how you felt, so I urge you to consider the feelings of the woman who is married to the man you're currently sleeping with. I'm not a psychologist, so I don't know what has driven this man to cheat compulsively. I do think that if his wife learns about his infidelity or even suspects it, it will have a terrible effect on their relationship.
You say the chemistry between you is fantastic, but a lot of the time good chemistry results from forbidden passion, not from love or mutual respect. I have a hunch that if if this guy ever gave up his wife and all his other girlfriends, you'd be bored with him in 10 minutes. The thrill would be gone.
Since he does seem to be spreading himself a bit thin, I encourage you to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases (that is, if you decide to keep seeing him, and I hope you won't).
You mentioned, "It's circle of life and I'm running around it, there is no right or wrong, you just take it or leave it, is that right?" But you're wrong. There may be a circle of life, but there is definitely a difference between right and wrong. The best advice I can give you is to treat others as you would have them treat you. (And if they don't treat you as you would treat them, it's time to reconsider the relationship.)
If you wouldn't want someone else to do something to you, don't do it to her. Please give the relationship with the married man serious thought. Sure, it's fun, but somebody is going to get hurt.
My mother used to say, "Life has a way of catching up with people." For your own good, stop poaching other women's men. It's rotten karma.
As for online dating, I do recommend it. In 2007, two of my friends became engaged to people they met online. Before you join a service, though, decide on an objective. Do you want a serious relationship? Marriage? Or a guy you can just get together with once in a while?
Write a list of the qualities you'd like him to have. Write a list of the qualities you have to offer.
Believe that you can have the relationship you want. More important, believe that you deserve it.
I think you're wise to get to know a guy you meet online before you agree to meet him. When you decide you're ready, meet him in a safe, neutral location (a restaurant or a coffee shop) and provide your own transportation. Don't get into cars with strangers.
Terry
Thank you so much for your emails. The more I read them, the more wisdom I accumulate.
It's this time of the year when I really reflect on my love life, and what I'm really looking for. I divorced four years ago when I found out my ex-husband had kept a mistress. It broke my heart completely, and I could not forgive him.
But strangely, four years later, the same situation comes up except I am the other girl this time. There is this married man who's been very interested in me. His wife has a three-month-old baby. I know it's immoral, but our chemistry has been unbelievable. He's even better than my ex. Our casual sex was really good each time.
I had tried to keep a distance from him, but he can't help seeing me whenever he can. I let him know I see other guys too, and he lets me know he keeps seeing other girls, too. But then again, he sees me whenever. He's all quiet now when we have sex. I know he's sad also because he can't say anything or do anything about the situation, apart from just enjoying each other's bodies.
His parents were divorced when he was 12. Is that the reason that makes him a compulsive cheater? Will that eventually lead to big problem for his marriage? His wife might sense something but is unlikely to divorce him.
Funny I used to despise those who cheat, but after a few times, I don't feel too guilty about it. But at the same time, I can forgive my husband for what he did because now I understand why he did it.
It's circle of life and I'm running around it, there is no right or wrong, you just take it or leave it, is that right?
Meanwhile, I'm thinking of doing online dating, I want to know more about a man first by email before I see him. Is it a good idea?
-Running around
Dear Running-
I'm so sorry that your husband cheated on you. I can only imagine how devastated you must have felt.
But you know how you felt, so I urge you to consider the feelings of the woman who is married to the man you're currently sleeping with. I'm not a psychologist, so I don't know what has driven this man to cheat compulsively. I do think that if his wife learns about his infidelity or even suspects it, it will have a terrible effect on their relationship.
You say the chemistry between you is fantastic, but a lot of the time good chemistry results from forbidden passion, not from love or mutual respect. I have a hunch that if if this guy ever gave up his wife and all his other girlfriends, you'd be bored with him in 10 minutes. The thrill would be gone.
Since he does seem to be spreading himself a bit thin, I encourage you to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases (that is, if you decide to keep seeing him, and I hope you won't).
You mentioned, "It's circle of life and I'm running around it, there is no right or wrong, you just take it or leave it, is that right?" But you're wrong. There may be a circle of life, but there is definitely a difference between right and wrong. The best advice I can give you is to treat others as you would have them treat you. (And if they don't treat you as you would treat them, it's time to reconsider the relationship.)
If you wouldn't want someone else to do something to you, don't do it to her. Please give the relationship with the married man serious thought. Sure, it's fun, but somebody is going to get hurt.
My mother used to say, "Life has a way of catching up with people." For your own good, stop poaching other women's men. It's rotten karma.
As for online dating, I do recommend it. In 2007, two of my friends became engaged to people they met online. Before you join a service, though, decide on an objective. Do you want a serious relationship? Marriage? Or a guy you can just get together with once in a while?
Write a list of the qualities you'd like him to have. Write a list of the qualities you have to offer.
Believe that you can have the relationship you want. More important, believe that you deserve it.
I think you're wise to get to know a guy you meet online before you agree to meet him. When you decide you're ready, meet him in a safe, neutral location (a restaurant or a coffee shop) and provide your own transportation. Don't get into cars with strangers.
Terry
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