You Can Change Your Life

Dear Terry:

At 18 I had a love at first sight relationship, and we were great friends, but after two years on-and-off, we ended it. I had a few fun relationships in my early 20s, but then some disastrous abusive relationships. I chose to return to university for fulfillment and achievement. However a number of factors led to a nervous breakdown, and I moved back in with my parents.

My father was repressive and domineering, and my self-esteem and sense of independence were shattered. In my mid-30s I returned again to university to earn a Masters Degree. However, my efforts have been impeded by homelessness, financial bankruptcy, and abusive and repressive attitudes when I should have been able to celebrate my achievements. As a result, my 30s were ruined because I was trying to survive. I was not free to enjoy supportive relationships or to have children.

Most of my male friends disappeared, and I miss those friendships. Not to mention the fact that I want a real relationship.

While working on my MA , I had an awesome encounter with a man I used to work closely with. We have met since, but he is married and lives on another continent. My emotions are in turmoil.

I have just turned 40, and only three friends wished me a happy birthday, although they are all aware I require some support. I don't actually meet men I like, as the situation has been too stressful, and I've had to put all my energy into finding accommodation and living expenses.

Any advice?

-Want a Fresh Start

Dear Fresh Start-

I edited your letter for clarity and hope I've done a decent job of it.

I have to get this out of the way: I am not a licensed health professional. I do suggest you get the name of a good, supportive, caring therapist whose goal is to help you move on with your life as soon as possible.

Since you know you struggle with self-esteem issues (which lead to all sorts of other issues, including the loss of friends, getting involved in bad relationships, and other self-destructive behavior), I suggest you take out of the library You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It's an effective, easy-to-digest book that's helped many people (you might also be able to borrow the DVD by the same name; it's good, too).

As far as your friends go, I do not know how you've treated them, or even if they were really friends or just acquaintances, but one of the most powerful things we can do when we feel lonely and abandoned is to be a friend to someone else. There is a human being out there who needs a friend even more than you do.

Can you find the time to be a friend to someone else? If you can, it will do wonders for your self-esteem. It may also lead to wonderful opportunities.

As for the man with the wife on another continent, the encounter may have been awesome, but how much time would you really want to spend with an individual who cheats on his wife? I mean, if you were married, would you want your husband to cheat on you?

I don't care how bad things look right now. You can do better than a man who cheats on his wife.

Once again, please do get hold of an excellent therapist who can help you build the self-esteem you deserve. I wish you every happiness.

-Terry

The Dating Chameleon: She Becomes Whatever He Wants

Hi Terry,

I have friend who becomes whatever her boyfriend wants her to be. Her last one hated anything Science Fiction, so she hated anything Science Fiction. He collected guns, so she went from supporting gun control laws to saying, "God and Guns made us Free." He wanted her skinny, so she starved herself. He wanted a redhead, so she dyed her hair.

To my friend, her boyfriend's word was the law, she believe everything he said. But, she never meet his coworkers, his family called her a gold digger, and she has and is still dating him after 13 years. She keeps telling me he is the one, the one God sent to her.

Why do women do this? I have talked to men, and overall they do not like it. Did we learn this from our mothers, our female teachers, our pastors (who preached submission) what is the reason, and why?

I have a degree in Human Behavior, so things like this interest me.

-Gotta Know

Dear Gotta-

This kind of thing has always interested me, too. I'm no psychologist (or human behaviorist), but your friend's problem is low self-esteem. In other words, a man's never going to love her for who she really is, so she must mold herself to fit his expectations.

It sounds exhausting.

And you're right. Healthy, normal, well-adjusted men are pretty freaked out when a woman comes along and transforms herself into what she thinks he wants. The control freaks, the losers, and the abusers just love it, though. It makes them feel powerful.

Back to the question of low self-esteem: A lot of it does develop in childhood. I took some pretty wild abuse from nuns that took some conscious effort to get over, for example. But I did get over it. It can be done.

Your question about pastors is a good one. Church is great, but I don't know that it's the best place to meet men. Certain churches are a magnet for guys with a "Wives submit to your husbands in all things..." mentality that Christ did not preach but St. Paul did. (I would argue that St. Paul was a man preaching to certain people in certain times, and he was not Christ.)

And then the media program little girls from the time they can figure out the remote to believe they need a man and should cater to him mentally, emotionally, and physically. My husband often asks, "Why are women so eager to hate themselves?" I tell him, "Turn on the television."

I do hope your friend will think twice about blaming God for sending this guy her way, especially since, after 13 years, his family calls her a gold digger (nice one, by the way), and he clearly isn't interested in introducing her to other key people in his life.

If she's willing to work on her self-esteem, I recommend a brilliant book by Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Life. She might also look into a method called EFT to help her let go of the belief that this sad relationship is the best God has in store for her. She can download a free ebook and check out a short video about the process here.

-Terry