You Can Change Your Life

Dear Terry:

At 18 I had a love at first sight relationship, and we were great friends, but after two years on-and-off, we ended it. I had a few fun relationships in my early 20s, but then some disastrous abusive relationships. I chose to return to university for fulfillment and achievement. However a number of factors led to a nervous breakdown, and I moved back in with my parents.

My father was repressive and domineering, and my self-esteem and sense of independence were shattered. In my mid-30s I returned again to university to earn a Masters Degree. However, my efforts have been impeded by homelessness, financial bankruptcy, and abusive and repressive attitudes when I should have been able to celebrate my achievements. As a result, my 30s were ruined because I was trying to survive. I was not free to enjoy supportive relationships or to have children.

Most of my male friends disappeared, and I miss those friendships. Not to mention the fact that I want a real relationship.

While working on my MA , I had an awesome encounter with a man I used to work closely with. We have met since, but he is married and lives on another continent. My emotions are in turmoil.

I have just turned 40, and only three friends wished me a happy birthday, although they are all aware I require some support. I don't actually meet men I like, as the situation has been too stressful, and I've had to put all my energy into finding accommodation and living expenses.

Any advice?

-Want a Fresh Start

Dear Fresh Start-

I edited your letter for clarity and hope I've done a decent job of it.

I have to get this out of the way: I am not a licensed health professional. I do suggest you get the name of a good, supportive, caring therapist whose goal is to help you move on with your life as soon as possible.

Since you know you struggle with self-esteem issues (which lead to all sorts of other issues, including the loss of friends, getting involved in bad relationships, and other self-destructive behavior), I suggest you take out of the library You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It's an effective, easy-to-digest book that's helped many people (you might also be able to borrow the DVD by the same name; it's good, too).

As far as your friends go, I do not know how you've treated them, or even if they were really friends or just acquaintances, but one of the most powerful things we can do when we feel lonely and abandoned is to be a friend to someone else. There is a human being out there who needs a friend even more than you do.

Can you find the time to be a friend to someone else? If you can, it will do wonders for your self-esteem. It may also lead to wonderful opportunities.

As for the man with the wife on another continent, the encounter may have been awesome, but how much time would you really want to spend with an individual who cheats on his wife? I mean, if you were married, would you want your husband to cheat on you?

I don't care how bad things look right now. You can do better than a man who cheats on his wife.

Once again, please do get hold of an excellent therapist who can help you build the self-esteem you deserve. I wish you every happiness.

-Terry

She Needs Him Like a Hole in the Head

Dear Terry-

Would like your advice. Recently my dream man has broken it off after six months together. In the beginning, he treated me very well, but around a month or two later, he said he wasn't in love with me and started to treat me badly. He was very bad tempered with me.

I really love this man, but now he has no feelings at all for me, and he also has another object of his affection already. Is there any chance to make this man come back to me again? Do you have any techniques I could use?

Now he's avoiding me, doesn't call or message. But really miss him. The worst of it is we work together. So I have to see him. Is there any way to pull him back?

I really need your help.

-He Made Me Feel Things

Dear He Made You-

Let me get this straight: You want me to tell you how to get back with a man who treated you badly, who avoids you, and was "bad tempered" with you.

Sorry, but I won't do it.

You deserve better, and the only person who doesn't know that yet is you.

You think you miss this guy, but you don't. You said he treated you well in the beginning, and that's what you miss. You miss those feelings you got when you spent time with him at the start of your relationship, when he was kind and affectionate and good to you.

Think of this man as a faucet. At one point, the faucet delivered pure, sweet, wholesome, and nourishing water. Then something went wrong in the pipes, and the faucet started spewing rusty, poisonous, undrinkable water.

It's time to stop drinking from this faucet.

Of course it's difficult that you encounter this man at work every day, but here's what you do: You wave, smile, and keep walking. If you need to talk to him about business, keep the conversation strictly business. Get the information you need, smile, and walk away.

Do not let a disappointing relationship get in the way of your livelihood.

In the meantime, work on developing the self-regard that will help you attract a consistently loving man (not a guy who loves you one minute and not the next). I recommend the excellent book, You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It can help you do it.

He Loves a Serially-Abused Woman

Terry,

I have been searching for advice online for men who are in relationships with women who have been in abusive relationships. I have been seeing a wonderful woman. She has always been in relationships where the guy has treated her badly, and the last serious relationship she was in was physically abusive.

She says that she cares about me very much and wants to be with me but is not ready to love again and needs to take things slow. It seems that every time we get closer, she then pulls away. I have been trying to give her all of the space she needs, and I know that the right things to do is show her that I will be here no matter what, and that I understand and respect her need for space. Sometimes I feel like it is hard for me to express my needs to her because I am nervous that she will mistake them as demands or expectations.

She is one of the nicest, most caring persons I have ever met. I want her to be able to trust again, and I know it begins when she is able to trust herself. Do you have any advice that may help make it easier to get through the rough patches?

Sincerely,
A Really Supportive Guy

Dear Supportive Guy:

Let me get this out of the way: I used to have a habit of attracting (and being attracted to) emotionally abusive and -- in one case -- physically abusive relationships. I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, so please take the following for what it is: One woman's opinion.

Now, you sound like the type of man many of my readers would love to meet: Loving, kind, supportive, caring, and so on.

But you're involved with a woman who has a history of being in emotionally and physically abusive relationships. She's established a pattern. Obviously, I don't know this woman, but it's possible she's been attracted to people who hurt her.

Sounds crazy, but it's possible.

Does this mean she can't break the pattern? Of course not. I did it, but I was willing to do it. This means I sat myself down and asked myself what the payoff was in putting up with such garbage, and why I even thought I even deserved it.

I immersed myself in books like Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life. I learned to treat myself as a treasure yet to be discovered. The more I worked on valuing myself, the less I found myself attracted to abusive people.

And over time I stopped attracting them.

I became attracted to healthy men and happy relationships, and I attracted them. (I've been in one for many years now.)

Here's the thing, though. You can buy your friend the book (You Can Heal Your Life), but you can't make her read it. You can't make her do anything.

In the end, it will be up to her to break the pattern of attracting abusive men. You can do it for her no more than you could lose weight for her or make her stop gambling or drinking (I'm not suggesting she has these issues, but you know what I mean).

But do point her in the right direction ("You're a really wonderful and worthwhile person," you can tell her. "But I can't make you understand that. You need to make yourself understand that, or nothing's ever going to change for you").

And take care of yourself.

Be open to two possibilities: 1) That one day she'll be ready to love you fully, or 2) that she never will.

Right now, this woman is emotionally unavailable. Continue to be a good and supportive friend, but make sure you're taking time for yourself and for your other interests. Go out with your other friends. Please do not let her become your whole world until she's demonstrated that she's willing to make you hers.

The Dating Chameleon: She Becomes Whatever He Wants

Hi Terry,

I have friend who becomes whatever her boyfriend wants her to be. Her last one hated anything Science Fiction, so she hated anything Science Fiction. He collected guns, so she went from supporting gun control laws to saying, "God and Guns made us Free." He wanted her skinny, so she starved herself. He wanted a redhead, so she dyed her hair.

To my friend, her boyfriend's word was the law, she believe everything he said. But, she never meet his coworkers, his family called her a gold digger, and she has and is still dating him after 13 years. She keeps telling me he is the one, the one God sent to her.

Why do women do this? I have talked to men, and overall they do not like it. Did we learn this from our mothers, our female teachers, our pastors (who preached submission) what is the reason, and why?

I have a degree in Human Behavior, so things like this interest me.

-Gotta Know

Dear Gotta-

This kind of thing has always interested me, too. I'm no psychologist (or human behaviorist), but your friend's problem is low self-esteem. In other words, a man's never going to love her for who she really is, so she must mold herself to fit his expectations.

It sounds exhausting.

And you're right. Healthy, normal, well-adjusted men are pretty freaked out when a woman comes along and transforms herself into what she thinks he wants. The control freaks, the losers, and the abusers just love it, though. It makes them feel powerful.

Back to the question of low self-esteem: A lot of it does develop in childhood. I took some pretty wild abuse from nuns that took some conscious effort to get over, for example. But I did get over it. It can be done.

Your question about pastors is a good one. Church is great, but I don't know that it's the best place to meet men. Certain churches are a magnet for guys with a "Wives submit to your husbands in all things..." mentality that Christ did not preach but St. Paul did. (I would argue that St. Paul was a man preaching to certain people in certain times, and he was not Christ.)

And then the media program little girls from the time they can figure out the remote to believe they need a man and should cater to him mentally, emotionally, and physically. My husband often asks, "Why are women so eager to hate themselves?" I tell him, "Turn on the television."

I do hope your friend will think twice about blaming God for sending this guy her way, especially since, after 13 years, his family calls her a gold digger (nice one, by the way), and he clearly isn't interested in introducing her to other key people in his life.

If she's willing to work on her self-esteem, I recommend a brilliant book by Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Life. She might also look into a method called EFT to help her let go of the belief that this sad relationship is the best God has in store for her. She can download a free ebook and check out a short video about the process here.

-Terry