A Flirting Tip For Women Who Feel Too Vulnerable to Flirt

I loved this quick, helpful post from Single Mom Seeking, Rachel Sarah. In it, she shares a baby step she took to find love after two years of being a solo parent. Check it out here.

She writes about how she dipped her toe back into the romance pool by flirting with men who worked behind counters. She felt vulnerable. Barriers made her feel safe. Eventually, she got bolder, met the right man, and fell in love.

She offers excellent perspective on that in another post, 'Why Love is Possible.'

When a Man Says This...

Very often I receive emails from women who've just heard one of the following statements from a man they thought they had a future with:

"I love you, but I don't think we should see each other anymore."

or

"I have feelings for you, but I'm not ready for a relationship."

or (my personal favorite)

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

These and similar idiotic statements leave the hearer dumbfounded. I mean, what do they really mean? A woman is left to wander the planet trying to decipher exactly what the poor fool was trying to communicate.

She asks her friends. She asks her mother. She consults a psychic. She lies awake at night trying to figure it all out.

And she comes to this conclusion:

HE MUST REALLY LOVE ME! HE LOVES ME! AS LONG AS HE LOVES ME(AND HE DOES; HE SAID HE DID!), I KNOW I CAN MAKE HIM COME AROUND. HE LOVES ME!!! I CAN AND MUST CONVINCE HIM WE BELONG TOGETHER!

Here's the thing, though. She can't, you can't, and I can't convince anyone of anything. If a man says he can't see you for any reason, take him at his word and move on. Forget any proclamations of 'love' or 'feelings' or 'wonderful times' together.

Move on.

Now, if you're telling yourself this kind of thing always happens to you, you're born under a bad sign, you're unlucky in love, I suggest you look at it this way:

The guy did you a favor (in a cowardly and unbecoming way). He's not for you. Be open to the very real possibility that a man who knows what he wants (you) is out there, hoping to meet you, and ready to do whatever it takes to love you and make you happy.

Say:

I was born under a very good sign.

Things happen for a reason.

I am lucky in love.

And repeat these statements often. Ask yourself, how does it feel to be lucky in love, for instance? How would you act? How would you think? How would you carry yourself?

Guess what? The more you say it and feel it, the sooner your subconscious will accept it and go to work on attracting the love you want and deserve.

(For more on this vitally important subject, check out Keysha Whitaker's piece on affirmations by clicking here.

Now, go for it. Because why would you ever accept anything less?

She Wants to Get Him Out of Her Head

Hi, Terry-

I have been struggling to get out of a relationship that is going nowhere with a man who I know in my heart can't commit. I am relocating thousands of miles away, but the situation is killing me.

Trying to move on and let go. Can you help?

-Set Me Free

Dear Set-

Really sorry about this. Great about the physical move, but I don't have to tell you it's critical to get him out of your head, too.

Since we tend to idealize people we're in love with, It will really help to think about habits, traits, speech patterns, or clothing he might have worn that annoyed you. Blow those things up in your mind. Think about them often.

Here's an example: I was crazy in love with this very successful, handsome Wall Street banker. One night we were talking, and it became clear to me that he didn't know that Cairo was the capital of Egypt. For some reason, it bothered me, but I chose to forget about it.

After we broke up, that little detail helped me every time I was on the verge of building him up in my head as the man who could never be replaced. Sure, he wore nice suits, but who doesn't know that Cairo is the capital of Egypt?

Maybe your guy had questionable breath, had a hobby that bugged you, was rude to your friends, or something else. Maybe he wore baseball caps in restaurants (a big peeve of mine). The guy was not perfect. Use that to your advantage. Write down things about him that annoyed you and bring them to mind any time you're tempted to fantasize about him or the relationship.

Also, while I've never used EFT to get over a guy (I did use it to get over the trauma of my mother's death, and the resulting insomnia), I understand it's helpful in getting over a broken heart. Try emofree.com and put 'breakup' or 'broken heart' in the search engine for free info.

WARNING, WARNING:

Even though some people resist commitment, they still want to stay on your radar. If the guy starts texting or calling you 'just to say hi,' and that kind of nonsense, it's in your best interest to discourage that. The sooner you get him off your brain, the freer and happier you'll be.

I hope this helps. Congratulations on your move thousands of miles away!

Very best wishes,
Terry

How to Instantly Turn Him Off

Aside from women who immediately slip cell phones on restaurant tables, men complain about women with chips on their shoulders.

Sure, a lot of of us have been burned (let's face it, a lot of men have been burned, too), and we don't want to get fooled again, but when we interrogate a guy about his past (as opposed to keeping our eyes and ears open and gently getting to know him over time), it's a total turn-off.

Ask yourself: How would you like it if you dated a man, and he went on about how "all women do this," and "well, that's the way you women are," and, "Why did you break up with your last boyfriend? Didn't he make enough money for you?"

Nobody likes to be treated like a user or foreign species. We're all human, so approach a new man as you would a potential new friend. Take the pressure off.

Does this mean that the guy isn't out for himself? Isn't a total creep? A player?

Of course not. He may very well be a creep and a player, but, again, keep your eyes and ears open. Do his actions match his words, for example? Is he checking out every woman who walks through the door?

No need to interrogate. Watch.

The last thing you want to do is turn off a loving, loyal, passionate, successful, fun guy because you've been burned before.

I mean, who hasn't been?

Should She Reconnect With the One She Let Get Away?

Hello, Terry!

I was rereading your book today and must say, I love it every time. Your inspiration always rings true. Well, that coupled with the sentimental nature of the season, I find myself wondering if I should revisit a past love.

I was victim of my own game of playing (too) hard to get. With that, I now think I drove away a really great guy. I'm wondering, would it be silly to send him a short "Happy New Year" text? I do have his email but only via the dating site we met on. Naturally, I don't want to look needy, but I do think there was enough there to at least try reconnecting. I'm wondering what your thoughts are on this one. Thanks Terry!

All the best,
K.


Dear K.-

I don't think it would hurt to send a quick text. If he responds, great. See where it goes. If he doesn't, allow yourself to move on. He's not the only pebble on the beach.

Happy 2010!

Terry

Holidays With His Ex

Dear Terry:

My boyfriend of 10 months is 55, and I am 32. We have a lot in common and really enjoy each other's company. We are happy and our relationship is progressing normally; we are able to talk about everything and work through issues with respect and compassion for each other. We both feel that we are heading towards being married in the future.

My question is about the relationship he has with his ex-wife and their daughter. The daughter is 19 and goes to college on the other side of the country. He was married to her mother for over 20 years and they had an amicable divorce. In fact, they are still friends. I trust that.

But, what do you feel is an appropriate relationship for all of us to have? I don't want to spend holidays with his ex, but his daughter wants to see both her parents on holidays. My boyfriend feels torn.

Is it too much to ask that she will have to visit each parent separately? I don't have any real animosity toward the ex, I just don't want her around for every holiday. I realize that in a few years from now, once my relationship with my bf is not "new", I might feel differently about his ex being around...but right now, I'd prefer a little distance. I also have an 8-year-old son (whose father is not involved). I want to have a "family" and, honestly, I don't want that to include his ex-wife.

His daughter is certainly included (if she wants to be), but do I have a right to insist that holidays are not spent with the ex? I am very willing to spend time with the ex for functions dealing with their daughter (graduation, parties in her honor, etc.) but I think that's where the line should be drawn.
I would love your advice/suggestions! Thank you.

-Maybe Later I'll Feel Differently

Dear Maybe Later-

First off, let me apologize for responding to your question on December 28th, but since Christmas lasts until January 6th, you may still be waiting for my answer.

I completely understand that you want your first Christmas with your boyfriend to be special. Who wouldn't? You've been with the man 10 months, and you're talking about marriage.

That said, I wouldn't insist on anything with regard to his ex-wife or his daughter. They've worked out a routine that so far has worked for them, and heaven forbid the daughter interpret your understandable desire for family time as an attempt to wedge her mother out of the picture.

Instead, I would tell him, "I really admire the way you and ____________ have handled your divorce and the way you've raised _______________. I would like a little time alone with you during the holidays. Is there a way we can work that out?"

Then wait for his answer. He may need time to think it through. After all, he's had a routine that used to make everyone happy, and now he needs another plan. Would you be amenable to spending Christmas Eve but not Christmas Day with the ex? Or New Year's Day but not New Year's Eve?

The daughter goes to college far away, so she doesn't get a lot of Mom and Dad time. As she gets older and gets involved in career, relationships, and perhaps marriage and children, she may require even less (if she gets married, she'll probably be expected to spend some of the holidays with her husband's family).

Let me repeat: I do think you're being reasonable (because, really, what guy would want to hang out with your ex every holiday?), but I would take a long view here.

After all, you're the one he plans to marry.

He Wants to Commit...Just Not Now

Terry,

I've dated this this man for 3 years, but before hand we were best friends and he waited on me while I explored, and that damaged him pretty badly. We broke up because of me, yet again and (let's just say I learned the hard way) I want to commit to him. He says that he has aspirations and goals to marry me, have children with me, and settle down with me, but right now he needs space.

One second he invites me over, and we're together for weeks, and then one day he flips out and decides to run away for space. I don't know what's going here, and I don't know what could be going on inside of his head, because he can only tell me "I want to be with you, but I'm not ready for this relationship yet. When I'm ready, I'll ask. And yes baby I want to start a clean slate with you."

What is going on? What am I supposed to do and think?

Help please!

-Want to Commit


Dear Commit-

It sounds to me like you nailed it when you say that you hurt him. He gets together with you for a while, and then he gets scared and retreats. He's afraid of getting hurt again.

I don't know what you can say or do to make him trust the relationship. I do know that actions always speak louder than words, so it's probably best to give him what he asks for: Space. And tell him how you feel, something along the lines of, "I'll miss you, but I know you need this."

(Question: When he takes his space, is he free to date other people? Are you? If you don't know, please ask him. If he's dating, he can't expect you not to date. If he's not dating, don't date. The goal is to build trust.)

He says he'll come around when he's ready, but there's no guarantee he'll ever be ready, so you have to face that possibility. (I really wish I had more to offer you here.)

Ask yourself if you're truly willing to take a chance on this guy by being patient, or if you'll get itchy and start looking around again.

I'm thinking good thoughts for you. Good luck.

He Loves His Wife, But She's Always Annoyed at Him

Hi, Terry-

I'm kind of confused as to what to do.

I've been with my wife for over 10 years. We met in 1998 (started dating August of 1998), got engage in 2003 and finally married in 2005. We've been together the whole time. For both of us it has been a commitment since the first date.

Slowly and slowly more things I do annoy her. I made a sandwich the other day, and she was upset that there were some crumbs left on the counter top. And I really do try to do a good job of not being sloppy. I haven't always been good with that, but it certainly wasn't because I was trying to be evil or rude.... it just wasn't something I was that aware of. But I'm making an effort to be more considerate.

She gets annoyed that I leave my closet door open. I didn't see the issue with it, so instead of making it an issue I just complied. Now it's some crumbs I left on the counter top.

It's hard dealing with at times because it's a really crappy feeling to view yourself as this big clod of a nuisance that just annoys the person you care about so much.

I don't really have a lot of friends anymore. So many moved away after graduating from high school and then college.

It's hard at times not to be overwhelmed with a feeling of being alone.

Anyway....
Thanks for any insight.

God bless.

-Becoming Depressed

Dear Becoming-

From your email, I can tell you're a loving and caring guy, the type of man who makes his wife's happiness a priority. Take comfort in the fact that a lot of women would love to find someone like you.

When one spouse starts getting annoyed with the other over little things, it may mean the relationship needs a little air. It's possible your wife is getting too much of you right now (please don't be offended by this; it's human nature to take just about everything for granted. We all do it, unfortunately).

You say that you've lost touch with friends, so the best thing you could do is make some new ones. You can do this pretty easily by pursuing an old or new interest; you're bound to meet new people at a class at the Home Depot or on a local sports team for men your age.

If you haven't already, join Facebook to reconnect with old friends. (Since I joined, I've been invited to several reunions. In late January, I'm scheduled to meet up with a bunch of friends from my childhood neighborhood. Haven't seen some of the them in decades.)

Caveat about Facebook: Avoid becoming too friendly with former girlfriends. The goal here is to reinvigorate your relationship with your wife, not destroy it.

If you make more of a social life for yourself, you'll give your wife time to herself, which will give her time to think about you. Small absences do make the heart grow fonder. And when you come home from seeing a friend, you'll have something fresh to talk about with her.

If you have a cell phone and are in the habit of calling your wife repeatedly during the day, limit your calls. Call if you're going to be late, but save the "How was your day?" conversation until you're looking her in the eye. If you call your wife too often, what will you talk about when you see each other? Cell phones can be deadly to romance.

When you're regularly giving the relationship air, it's very possible your wife will stop taking you for granted. At this point, it'll be fun to go out (alone) together for dinner or for something else you both enjoy. Dates really help bring back the spark, especially when you actually have things to talk about!

(Finding a decent babysitter can be stressful, so please help.)

As for the bit about the closet door being open and the crumbs on the countertop, they do seem like small things. But if you have children, your wife is likely cleaning up after them. It's no fun to clean up after other people.

However, if she doesn't do it, and someone shows up unexpectedly at your house, they will most likely judge her (not your or your children) a slob and a rotten housekeeper. She's under some pressure to keep the place looking just so.

I want to reiterate that you do sound like a wonderful guy. I hope this helps, and I wish you every happiness in the world.

-Terry

Things to Know Before You Agree to Marry Him

Dear Terry,

I always feel happy reading your blog and your newsletters as well! I read these two points in your newsletter:

1) "Which brings us to YOU. How do you feel about infidelity? If it's a deal breaker for you, don't marry a man and assume it's a deal breaker for him."

2)"If you want a faithful guy, marry a faithful guy. If you want (or don't want) children, marry a man who's on the same page."

---------
Now, you could ask a man if he wants kids after marriage or not? When do you ask this? Is it when you decide he's the one? Is it when he proposes ?

Now, the tougher part - How do you find out if a man's faithful? Please don't tell me we can ask the man to find out if he's faithful or not! If he's interested in the girl, his answer would always be yes!

And how do you ask this question? I know many faithful great married men, but then there are also some who cheat after 10 yrs of marriage, etc. How can you find out for sure the man would never ever cheat ?

Eagerly waiting for your reply ....

Keep me Anonymous


Hi, Anonymous-

About having kids: When you've been dating a man for a while, you're probably going to be invited to his family's house. He'll be invited to yours. Chances are, one or both of your families will have a few kids running around, and you'll see how the guy behaves around them.

You'll see if he likes them, and if they like him. Shortly after I started dating my husband, we went to a barbecue at my friend's house. She had a couple of kids and commented how good he was with them.

I passed along the compliment, but at that point, I didn't ask him if he had any plans for fatherhood.

Later on in the relationship, his sister visited from Canada to go to a wedding and asked him to babysit. I spent the day with him and his nephews. The children clearly loved him, but the subject of his having his own children had never come up between us. So, at that point, having spent many months together, I said (casually), "You really are great with kids. Do you want your own some day?"

I didn't ask him if he wanted them with me. I just let him answer.

When we started talking about getting married, I made it clear that I was open to having children, but I wasn't positive I could have them (I had no reason to think I suffered from fertility problems, but many people do. For all I knew, he did). I asked him if we were to find out we couldn't have children, would he be okay with it? I asked him if we could have children, would he be happy with two of them?

As for being faithful, there's a lot you can tell about a person by the way he looks at, behaves around, and talks about other women. If he's got a friend who's cheating on a girlfriend, what's his attitude about it? What's his attitude towards women in general?

What about his character? Does he keep his word? Show up when he says he's going to show up (and I don't mean just for you, I mean for friends, employers, etc.)? Is he prone to twisting the truth, taking the bigger half, that sort of thing? These may not be definite indicators of a potential cheater, but they are red flags. It does indicate that the guy puts his own interests before people's.

It helps to watch how his parents treat each other, or if they're remarried, how they treat their spouses.

Again, when we started talking about the possibility of marriage, I asked my then-boyfriend how he felt about cheating, if he'd ever cheated before, if his parents had a good marriage, that sort of thing. We had a discussion. He wanted to know the same things about me.

I said I don't respect cheaters, and I wouldn't stick around if he ever cheated on me. He said, "That's fair because if you ever cheated on me, I'd divorce you."

There are never any guarantees in life, so this discussion didn't guarantee we'd never cheat on one another. But having it did let him know where I stood. I knew where he stood. And knowing where we stood decreased the chances of nasty surprises.

I want to reiterate that this conversation came after we'd been together a while and had become serious. I spent much of our early relationship watching my husband to see if his actions matched his words. If they hadn't I would have let him go. The conversation would not have been necessary.

As for your question about men who cheat ten years later, I do believe that character is a good indicator about whether your guy will turn out to be one of these. Occasionally, people do change and others just make mistakes, so again you can never say never, but a man with character isn't going to go on a business trip with the intention of scoring a little side action.

I really hope this helps.

Book Review: Don't Ever Call Me, Ma'am!

I never get it when people, particularly women, worry about their age.

I don’t understand why they consider themselves less attractive or less valuable or less anything as they get older. It’s been my experience that people with a few years under their belts are funny, smart, and interesting (well, usually).

So when a book comes along to assure me that life begins at 40, I’m like, “No kidding.” You’re preaching to the choir.

But then I read my mail. I get email from women who tell me they might as well have dropped dead at 40. Men don’t want them. Employers don’t want them. The only person who does want them is the plastic surgeon.

(Again, personal experience shows me something else. A good friend, who’s 44 with two children, attracts a ridiculous number of men ranging in age from 20 to 60. Two years ago, she set her sights on a certain position in a certain location - and got it. Still has it, too.)

But if you’re a woman who fears 40, I do recommend Linda Franklin’s Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am! The Real Cougar Handbook. The first Canadian woman to own a seat on the New York Stock Exchange, the woman’s got a winning attitude whether she’s writing about success or relationships.

Here’s Franklin’s take on men:

"While it may be true that more women over 40 are enjoying relationships with younger men, they aren’t putting themselves on the auction block to do it. Don’t believe for a minute that a Real Cougar is a lonely predator skulking in dark bars preying on younger men. She is definitely not the cartoon character that too many make her out to be. Undoubtedly, this negative image was concocted by the overly testosteroned fantasy world of our male population. Let’s face it: Women are still the prime target for the good old boy’s double standard. And the only way we’re going to change that is to continue to excel doing it our way.”

The book includes a how-to chapter on dating and relationships, guest-written by dating coach and author Ronnie Ann Ryan (full disclosure: Ronnie’s a competitor of mine who’s now a friend). The book also features Franklin’s easy-to-follow advice on managing one’s finances and her success plan for achieving goals (with a very inspiring story about how one woman set out to become a best-selling author and became one). There’s also a chapter on sex, amusingly titled, “Sex Is Not a Job.”

Fore more information on Linda Franklin and Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am!, check out The Real Cougar Woman.

It's Not True Love, It's Low Self-Esteem

Terry,

I had a one-year relationship with a man that I instantly hit it off with from our first date. We dated for four months and then circumstances in his life, sleeping on his brother's couch led to me asking him to live with me. For our whole year together our relationship was as close to perfect .

But something changed out of the blue, where I felt he was not trusting me, just things he would say before I left for work, little jabs here and there when I was talking to my friends on computer. I am to this day still deeply in love with this man, but....

He started acting pulling away and at first I noticed and let it go, but played out at the end of our relationship that he was seeing someone else, and in an instant left me for her. Now the woman he left me for has nothing, no car, she works at McDonald's. At 40 years old she has not ever strived to work anywhere else to better herself. But he tells me that everything is perfect. I see him out at the same club that I go to, and they look like they are on a blind date that is not going well at all.

Meanwhile, I'm independent and have an excellent job. I even helped him get into the same place that I work and helped him get promoted. I have to see him every day at work since we broke up. I have spoken to him and let the way our relationship ended go, the lies he told, the act he played when he left, saying I broke his heart that I was showing "signs of cheating", but what floors me is that I have no one and did not cheat, and here he did and still to this day blames me for our breakup.

When I speak to him, he limits talking to me just here at work, changed his phone number after us being broken up 7 months, or he will talk thru email and that is it. We have been thru all the emotions and not speaking and speaking and then fighting with each other.

I know that I have to let go and have tried to date other people, but
the only person that is constantly on my mind is him. What is that? True love? I have thought about him every day, made sure that he knows that I will always be there for him, but his body language is like he still has feelings for me, but his words do not.

What else can I do to get this man out of my head and heart, I feel so
stuck and have been so unhappy since he left. I thought by now that I would have met someone else and been in love again. But, my heart still belongs to him.

Tell me what I should do.

-Stuck on Mr. Moochie


Dear Stuck-

I'm sorry you're in pain. I have been there, so I definitely feel for you.

That said, would you please read over your letter with fresh eyes? Certain things will hit you between the eyes:

-You invited this man into your home to get him off his brother's couch.

-He became insulting and distrusting of you, the woman who got him off his brother's couch (not to mention helped him get a job and a promotion).

-He cheated on you and left you for the other woman "in an instant."

-He is still involved with this woman, a 40-year-old hamburger slinger with a boatload of baggage.

The thing that baffles me most is that you still want him. Sure, you may have had a couple of cozy times together, but rub the sand out of your eyes, Girl. The guy is clearly not worthy of you.

You say he changed his number. Were you calling him? Why would you ever call him?

You say he will communicate via email. Why would you glance in this person's direction, let alone email him?

He is not worthy to shine your shoes, yet you persist in thinking of him, reminiscing about the old times.

How can you get over him? Well, for starters, stop thinking of him. If that doesn't work, think of him with his arm around his little burger slinger, she in her cap and oily uniform. This is the life he has chosen.

Think about what you would do if he ever came back to you. Could you trust him? Respect him? What does he have to offer you besides the clothes on his back?

From where I sit, you may have a good job, but you clearly don't value yourself enough or you never would have given this toad the time of day.

Your best bet is to work on your self-esteem. When you love yourself, you will stop being attracted to individuals who are clearly incapable of adding any value to your life whatsoever. You will make room for people who will love you, encourage you, and make your happiness a priority

Start by reading a book called "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. You may be able to find it in your library or your local bookstore. You can definitely get it at Amazon.

I hate to repeat myself, but please understand this guy has no business being in your head and heart. Evict him.

Terry

Are Men More Likely to Be Jerks?

If you believe what you hear from the media, you might think so.

The December issue of First cited studies claiming that if a married woman becomes ill, her husband is 80% more likely to cheat on her or leave her. It made me wonder: Has anyone thought to do a study on the percent age of wives who leave or cheat on sick husbands?

We’ve been told over and over that the planet is loaded with substandard men, but there are some lovely, loyal, loving ones out there, too, and I fear they’re overlooked. And when someone finally notices them, they’re dismissed as weird or too nice. They just don’t fit the stereotype.

Substandard men do exist, of course. I once knew a girl who cut off her father after learning he’d had an affair while her mother died. I don’t blame her. But women can be jerks, too. I knew a wife who indulged in a series of romances after her husband went blind. A good friend of mine (a guy) had a friend who cared for his wife while she battled cancer; she dumped him for another man shortly after she recovered.

The media (TV shows, tabloids like Star and Us) pump us with stories about women done wrong, but in my experience, females are just as likely to cheat or to mistreat a spouse. Men don’t have a monopoly on bad behavior.

It’s dangerous to think otherwise. When we go about life believing that men are inherently less moral than we are, we lower our expectations. Some of us put up with the cheater because — what do you expect –men are hardwired to spread their seed wherever they can. We give the guy who walks out on his sick wife a pass because, well, he’s a guy. He’s not programmed to be a caregiver.

And then, others who want a relationship with a man avoid getting involved because they just can’t trust anyone with a Y chromosome (these are not the same women who are happily single and want to remain that way). Still others will get into a relationship with a guy and sabotage it to sideswipe disappointment.

I think it’s better to see men and women as people, to understand that some of us are capable and willing of treating others as we’d treat them, and to proceed accordingly.

Will the guy you’re dating run out on you if you become sick? It’s an excellent question and bears thinking about (because how many women rush into marriage without even discussing whether they and the bridegroom are even on the same page when it comes to having kids?).

Before you put your life in a man’s hands, get to know him.

See how he treats people, particularly elderly people.

Is he patient with them? Is he kind to them? If he’s got a grandfather in a nursing home, does he make time to visit him, or is he “too busy?” At family gatherings, does he help the old aunt to the table, or does he trip over her like a piece of furniture? Does he visit sick friends in the hospital, or does he shake his head and say, “That’s too bad,” and log on to Facebook.

Don’t get caught up in studies and statistics. Men tell you if they’re worth your time. They tell you exactly who they are.

Are you listening?

Younger Men Like Older Women

Ever feel that getting older makes you less attractive?

Well, who could blame you? That myth is foisted upon us by the media every day. (It keeps advertisers happy because it sells tons of product to make us feel better about ourselves.)

Yesterday's New York Times dispelled it in an article about younger men who pursue older women.

According to the article by Marcelle S. Fischler, many young men are eager to date more mature women for a variety of reasons. Some are into it for probably the wrong reason (older women are more sexually experienced; one lummox described them as "grateful"), but others, including one 27-year-old who is dating a 41-year-old mother of three teens, say they like older women simply because they're more mature.

The article also mentions a 28-year-old real estate project manager who says he'd be willing to date 8 out of 11 women (nearly old enough to be his mother) who attended an event for younger men who wanted to meet older women.

Fischler also cited a British study which found that 20% of men in their 20s and 22% of men in their 30s would date an older woman. That's about one in five, Ladies.

When a Woman Earns More, Her Man Aims to Please

Brian Alexander, the author of America Unzipped: In Search of Sex and Satisfaction, details his findings about sex and economics. He writes:

"As more and more women in the U.S. out earn the men in their lives, or become the sole breadwinners, men are trying to figure out how they fit into the relationship, including in the bedroom."

Alexander offers the example of a corrections officer who is married to an oncology nurse:

"...since she brings home much of the bacon, he wants to make sure he’s offering her some perks too. He leaves affectionate notes around the house for her and tries to keep the house tidy. And he wants to make sure he shines in one special area.

Since she is 'handling certain areas of the relationship' like making most of the money, he said, “you’ve got to handle your business.” By “business,” Hayes means sex. 'You’ve got to be creative. You’ve got to be good!'"

Clearly, we females must stop being afraid of success.

For the rest of the story, click here.

Stop Attracting Dysfunctional Men

If you keep attracting men who don't make you happy, check out Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan's response to the writer who emailed to tell me she's tried everything (including vision boarding and employing the Law of Attraction -- which usually do the trick) but still winds up with guys who seem great, and then turn out to be dysfunctional or commitment-shy.

By the way, Ronnie is the author of Manifesting Mr. Right, and she manifested her very own Mr. Right after the age of forty. Now she helps other people (men, too) find the loves of their lives.

Check out Manifesting Mr. Right here.

(And if you think you have to be over 40 to benefit from Ronnie's guidance, you absolutely do not. Also, if you purchase Ronnie's book, I will get a cut, which will enable me to keep writing this blog.)


*****
Here's Ronnie's response:


Dear Disillusioned,

Dating can be frustrating but just because you haven't
ended up in a committed relationship, doesn't mean
all the other men were a waste of time. There is
much to be learned from every relationship, even
if it doesn't last.

One thing you have learned is that you have a
habit of attracting men with similar flaws. That
can have several root causes.

1. You may be replaying family issues and patterns.
This is something therapists often point to and not
something a dating coach like myself can address.
But it might be worth looking at, just in case.

2. You may believe, for whatever reason, that true
love is not possible for you. Sometimes people have
a core belief buried deep within and this is what
manifests rather than your conscious desire. I
recommend asking yourself if you believe you can
find love and deserve to find love. Of course I
believe everyone deserves love, but I don't count
here. It's what's in your subconscious mind that
matters most.

3. If you are attracted to a certain type of man,
the bad news is they come with the same type of flaws.
You haven't told me about the kind of men you are
interested in so it's hard to say. But given my
experience as an over 40 dating coach, I can tell
you that men who are "interesting", exciting, and
have fast chemistry are most often not the long-term
type. Usually, they are "bad boys" who are famous for
a lack of commitment, or a variety of issues no matter
how much they make your heart flutter.

Based on this scenario, my advice is to think
back over all the men you have dated to notice
patterns. What did the men have in common regarding
attraction and their issues? Then make a list of the
personality characteristics (i.e. red flags) you
never want to see again. When you go back out there
to meet new men, check the list after getting home.
If you start to see any of your red flag list, move
on to save yourself the heart ache.

Almost all men will show their true colors right
from the start. For some reason, women tend to
think those things won't happen or simply discount
what the guy says about himself. I advise paying
close attention and using the first few dates to
observe a man objectively. Make sure the men you
date are worthy of you and pay attention to those
red flags. When they start waving -run!

Good men are out there, and people get married
every day no matter what their romantic history
is or age. Once you have figured a few things out,
get back out there to find the love you deserve.
The right man for you is out there. I found love after 40,
and I know you can too.

Xoxoxo
Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Over 40 Dating Coach
Author, Manifesting Mr. Right

****

It's Terry again, and I want to repeat very strongly one of Ronnie's excellent points:

"People get married every day, NO MATTER WHAT THEIR ROMANTIC HISTORY IS or age."

It's critical that you get this. If you can't believe you can succeed at something because you've never done it before, you won't. If you can't believe you'll ever lose weight, you'll give up the diet after a day or two. If you don't believe you'll ever find a decent job, guess what? You won't. If you believe that a happy relationship isn't in the cards for you, it won't be.

Believe that you are capable of attracting and keeping a happy relationship. It's not hocus-pocus. Faith moves mountains.

Go for it.

He Wants a Good Woman

Sometimes I get mail from women who insist that men don't want to commit, so it was interesting to find this bit from a guy who says he can't find a woman to settle down with. He calls himself healthy, attractive, and he says he has a well-paying job.

Get the whole story here.

She's Not Comfortable With His Affection

Terry,

I met a warm, friendly guy a few months ago. His conversations are interesting, and he's handsome.

Problem (or is it?):

The few times we've been alone I've had to "fight him off"; he wants to kiss and caress me repeatly. I am uncomfortable with this because I'm just getting to know him. Am I overreacting? I don't want to chase him away by complaining, but my comfort is also an issue.

Please give me some feedback.

-Uncomfortable


Dear Uncomfortable-

When you say you've fought him off, have you told him what you told me: That you're uncomfortable with the affection because you're just getting to know him?

If not, speak up. See what he says. See what he does. It should tell you everything you need to know.

You did say you met him a few months ago, so maybe his kisses and caresses are true expressions of his feelings for you. Maybe you don't return those feelings yet. Maybe you never will. You may decide that you just like him as a friend.

But if you've already told him to back off, and he's ignored you, you definitely have a problem on your hands. You don't need a man who disregards your feelings. If this is the case, move on.

He's Perfect (On Paper)

Question:

Been seeing Mr. Perfect On Paper: shared interests, activities, achievements, values.

But neither of us seems passionate about getting physically involved, and I don't feel -- and I guess he doesn't either -- that it's just awful to part at the end of an evening or a day together. We're both 60ish, were in 25-year marriages that ended (obviously): are we just gun-shy and holding back, or is this just not the relationship we need?

-Anonymous, please

-Dear Anonymous-

It sounds to me like you've met the perfect man to be your friend.

You seem to have a lot in common, so I don't see the harm of spending time together, but it seems that you're just not attracted to each other. Attraction is vital to a romantic relationship.

Is it possible attraction will develop?

Sure. Definitely. But it's also possible it won't. As long as you and your friend are having fun together, why not hang around with each other long enough to find out?

He Broke Up With Her to Please His Family

Hello,

I'm so confused about something. My ex-boyfriend, and I "broke up" about a month ago. We had a great relationship - very healthy. I know his family had a lot to do with his decision (our culture is very complicated when it comes to dating/marriage).

Anyhow, it doesn't feel like we've even broken up. Everything has stayed the same. I know he has very strong feelings for me - and I for him. We talk everyday, we hang out a few times a week, we take trips and everything. He still tells me he loves me. Even when he goes out without me he's constantly texting me.

This situation is making me crazy. I want to be with him, but I just don't know how to handle things this way. Why is he like that? And how should I handle it? HELP!

~Turning Nutty

Dear Turning-

You say your relationship ended because his family had "a lot to do with his decision." Clearly, he wants to continue your relationship, but he does not want to offend his family. At this point, he is trying to have it both ways.

So, he is getting what he wants. His family is getting what they want. The only person who isn't getting what she wants is you.

You need to protect yourself.

He broke it off, so break it off. Don't go out with him or take trips with him. When he tells you he loves you, tell him, "That's great, but you broke up with me. Remember? You have given up the right to tell me anything of the sort."

He has also given up his right to text you and expect you to talk to him every day.

I'm afraid that if you continue to let things go the way they're going, you're going to get hurt. And he'll be able to wriggle out of it by saying, "But I never led you on. We were broken up."

Please take very good care of yourself. Bury yourself in something you've wanted to do but have put off since you starting seeing Family Man. Treat yourself as a treasure he's lost and a better man will be lucky to discover.

That's what you are: A treasure yet to be discovered. Stop letting this guy waste your time.

Please don't refer to yourself as 'Turning Nutty.' From now on, say you're 'Turning Toward Something Better.'

Hey, Terry-

I've got some issues here. I'm in a long distance relationship. Actually, this guy was my childhood friend and we connected together recently. He studies abroad. He fell in love with me, everything was going too fast, he kinda "made me love him," took off my icicle.

He became all I was asking for in a man. We met during summer vacations, it was awesome, and then he went back to the country where he studies. Since then, he's backing off. I don't know what happened. He calls once in a blue moon (he used to call me everyday!).

No more I love yous, no more I miss yous, NOTHING. He barely responds to my mails. We used to spend hours on Skype! I mean, he was so passionate and excited about us and the future together, he asked me to promise I'd wait for him. And I did.

And now he's backing off?! I mean... What am I supposed to do?! When I tell him about how I feel, he says that he's just busy, that he needs to concentrate and that he'll try to call me on weekends. He was busy before, too, but he used to call! I'm only asking for two minutes a day here, just to say hi and know he still cares. And he still finds time to talk to his friends and family and go on Facebook. The result is that I'm backing off too, returning to my shell. And I don't get it. One month before, he was madly in love, and now he can't even say a kind word to me?

-What is the Deal?

Dear Deal-

It's not fair that this guy warmed you up, and then left you cold, but please take comfort in the fact that you are not the first person who's suffered this crap.

Here's my advice: Stop calling him, texting him, visiting his Facebook page. Don't initiate contact whatsoever. Stop telling him how you feel (he doesn't deserve to hear it). Yes, breaking contact will hurt at first, but it will get easier. It's also worth it. Know that just as you cannot fathom why this guy came on so strong only to leave you high and dry, prolonging the agony is only going to prolong the agony.

(There are men and women who get off on 'the chase.' They determine to make someone fall in love with them, woo them until they do, and then move on because the fun is over. I don't know if this guy falls into this category, but it's possible.)

Fill your time taking care of yourself, doing things that make you happy and keep your mind off this person. If he should contact you, guard your heart and resist making yourself overly available. Think very hard if it's worth letting him into your life again.

Is he worth it? Does he deserve you?

I hope you won't let this unfortunate experience prevent you from finding happiness with a man who does deserve you and doesn't ever take you for granted.