He Says He's Been Hurt and Won't Commit

Hi Terry,

I met this man four months ago and we hit it off right away. He was married for 20 years, and then got into a four year relationship four months after the divorce. His wife left him for another man, and the four year relationship broke his heart also.

Anyway, he would not ever make the commitment to me. He kept saying, I'm not sure I have the feelings I should have for you, it should just be there. The next minute he says, he's been hurt so bad he doesn't know if he can ever fall in love again. When he says he wants to stop seeing me, a few days or a week later, he emails to tell me he misses me and he thinks about me all the time.

This last time he emailed me he said that he was in a committed relationship but wasn't happy and thought about me all the time, this is after we hadn't seen each other for a month, so we got together again and he was in love with me and going to let the other relationship go to pursue a relationship with me.

That lasted a week and now he says he's not sure he has the feelings he should have for me and he doesn't for the other lady either, and he's confused. He has not left the other lady yet he says because of the holidays, and they had plans, but he was going to right after the holidays. After talking for awhile, he says that I'm right, he's just confused and he wants to give us a chance now and he's going to commit to do that.

Is this the behaviour of a man that has been hurt so badly that he can't commit and may never be able to love again, as he says?

In the last two and a half years, he has gone from one relationship to another. I think he loves me and that scares him, and that if he would just give us a chance, he would overcome the fear and be happy. What do you think? Is there any advice you can give me to help him move forward in his life?

Thank you.

K.-

Dear K.-

You sound like a nice person. You sound like a nice person who does not deserve to be treated like a ping-pong ball days before Christmas.

You are allowing this man to call all the shots in your relationship. He is taking very good care of himself, thank you, while you're left wondering how you can help him.

He says he's going to dump the other woman he's dating after the holidays. Wow. What a guy. He doesn't want to break plans with her, so he'll continue to let her think things are progressing happily between them, and then BAM! Happy 2009!

Put yourself in her place.

But he's confused, poor boy, and so we're all supposed to rally around him and help him figure things out. And the one who manages to convince him that she truly understands him--will never hurt him-- will be the winner. She'll get the prize!

HIM!

Except if you stand back and look closely, he may not be much of a prize. You said it yourself: In the past couple of years, he's gone from one relationship to the other. His wife left him for another man. Okay, maybe she was a heartless witch, or maybe-- just maybe--she wasn't. (There are two sides to every story.) Then he dated another woman for four years, and she broke his heart.

Why is everybody breaking this guy's heart? Seems to me he's out breaking everybody else's.

In the end, you can't convince anybody you're the one for him. You can't help him move on with his life. He has to do it for himself.

WHAT YOU CAN DO is come to terms with the fact that you deserve better than this. You shouldn't have to spend the holidays wondering if and when this guy is going to lower the boom on the other woman and come back to you.

(Because even if he did, do you really want to be looking over your shoulder, wondering when he's going to do it to you?)

The next time he calls you and tells you he's thinking about you all the time, tell him to keep thinking. Because you've moved on.

Let this be your mantra:

I DESERVE BETTER. I DESERVE BETTER. I DESERVE BETTER.

I CAN DO BETTER!

Because you can.

Banish this individual from your mind. Spend your time with people who support you and make you feel good about yourself. By all means, steer clear of small-minded creeps who make you feel defective because you're not in a committed relationship.

Treat yourself as you would a beloved child.

Merry Christmas. I'm saying a big prayer for you and wishing you all the very best. Here's to a happy, prosperous, and blessed 2009 filled to the brim with a love that never, ever makes you wonder.

The Man Calls Constantly, But He Won't Commit

Hello Terry,

Thanks for the book. I read it.

I talked to a guy for 90 days before he wanted to meet me. Finally he met me, and we had an awesome time. He lives four hours away from me.

He calls me a lot every day, and I like it. He laughs and makes me happy.

After spending a lot of time with him on a 4-day weekend, I asked him whether we are girlfriend and boyfriend, and he responded, "Let time tell." Should I have asked this question?

It seems like a relationship, since he calls me in the morning, a few times during the day and at night. He talks to me like a girlfriend but does not know if he wants me to be in a relationship.

I am so confused.

After my trip to meet him, he is saying I should move to his city, and he will help me find a job there. I see so much interest and passion but he does not want to say that he is in exclusively dating me.

I asked him if he was dating anyone and he said exactly this: "I have dinner buddies, I have show buddies and I have sex buddies." Well that put a damper on my hopes for him, although he treated me like a queen.

Why can't he decide about me? Is he a player? Should I stay away from him? What should I do?

Thanks.

-His Little Buddy

Hey, Buddy-

Thank you for purchasing my book.

About this guy you're dating: You didn't do anything wrong by asking about the nature of your relationship. He's been calling, you are obviously developing feelings for him, and you're concerned.

The fact that he categorizes his friends as dinner buddies, show buddies, and sex buddies makes me a little queasy (excuse me while I get the Pepto Bismol). I can't say for sure if he's a player, but boy, it's all about him and his feelings, isn't it?

But he makes you laugh, and we girls always fall for the guy who makes us laugh. And he's sweet on the phone, and you're thinking about him all the time when you're not on the phone, aren't you? Well, your behavior and feelings are normal. They're natural.

Since this fellow is calling you constantly (and let me repeat, you did nothing wrong by assuming that his behavior indicated a fairly serious relationship), I suggest you stop taking every call he makes. There is no law that says you have to pick up the phone every time he calls you.

Am I suggesting that you play games?

No.

Look at it this way: Let's say a woman you met at work started calling you four times a day. She invited you for a fun girls' weekend, where you went skiing, enjoyed some cocktails, saw a show or two, and so on. Would you or would you not assume that this person liked you and considered you a friend?

Now, what if you said to this woman, "I'm so glad I met you at the office. I'm so glad we've become such close friends?"

And she said, "Close friends? Um, look, we're just travel buddies. You gotta understand I have a lot of buddies. I'm very popular. I have all sorts of friends."

Would you accept that nonsense from a female friend?

I didn't think so.

Well, you don't have to accept it from some guy, either. Limit your conversations with him to one per day (twice a week would be even better). When he asks why you're suddenly unavailable, tell him you've been "really busy." That's it. End of story. It's none of his business.

Either he will figure out that he really does like you, that you're more than a buddy he can slip into some category, or he won't. He'll make a decision about your relationship. If he decides to see you exclusively, great. If he decides he wants to carry on with his assortment of one-dimensional friends, at least you'll know it. You can save yourself a lot of time and heartbreak.

Cutting down on his phone calls will leave you with time on your hands. Judging by your feelings for him, it will be hard not to pick up the phone, but I'm telling you, you're better off. Right now, he's calling all the shots in this buddyship, and it's time you got to call some of your own.

In the meantime, do write a list of the qualities you want in a man, as I suggest in my book (the book will not help you if you just read it; you must do the exercises!).

Be open to the very real possibility that there's a man who'll make you happier than this one will. I know it's hard to imagine you could ever fall for another guy when you're so hung up on this one, but, believe me, you can.

Terry