More About Dating and Cell Phones

Hi, Terry:


I enjoy your column and have gained a lot of insight from it.

I went out on a fix-up date with a man two years ago. We were at a nice restaurant, and HIS cell phone went off 2 or 3 times and he left the table to answer it (at least he left the table)....He came back to the table to tell me it was a "friend" of his who was going through a rough time. I felt it was rude and unnecessary on a first date (I sensed it was the lady he had broken up with), but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.... some friends of mine dismissed it as "Oh, he was just trying to impress you....don't make a big thing of it"..... he ended up dumping me after a few more dates anyway, so I do think it's a telling sign that someone is just not "present."

BTW.... a few nights later, I was watching a sitcom and a guy was in a restaurant and gave the exact same spiel to his date about the "friend" going through a rough time. I wouldn't dream of even having my cell phone "on" for a first date unless I had children or a sick relative. I deserve better, even if it takes a lifetime to get it.

-Can Do Better

Hello, Can Do-

Thanks for writing and for the kind words.

You're right. You do deserve better, and I'm so glad you realize it. Your friends were wrong to tell you the jerk -- er -- I mean, guy was just trying to impress you and not to make a big deal of it. As if isn't completely icky that someone would use such a pathetic technique to get you to like him.

Cell phones and dates just don't mix. When the guy dumped you, he did you a favor. He has zero manners and is probably also a liar.

Good for you.

-Terry

Romance Thrives on Mystery and Anticipation

Every day of the week, a new device comes on the market that promises to simplify life for us. For the most part, they're great. But they could also be killing your chances for love.

First, the obvious:

Men still complain that too many women whip out a device on a first date and monitor it all night long for calls and text messages.

A woman (or man, for that matter) who wants a second date shouldn't be checking a device, unless she has children, in which case she can tell the guy, "I've instructed my children (or babysitter) to contact me only in case of emergency. Otherwise, I promise not to let this thing distract me."

Second, the less obvious:

Too many women are mistaking a series of text messages for a relationship. A relationship is eye-to-eye. LOL and laughing out loud are two very different experiences.

Which would you prefer?

Laughing out loud in the presence of a funny, smart, cute man who thrills you? Or tapping out a string of characters to the same guy and finishing it off with "LOL?"

Two different experiences, indeed.

Women are texting too much. Too much texting = no mystery. How are you going to get a guy to think about you, dream about you, wonder where you are and what you're doing if you you're telling him all day long?

Remember, no mystery = no romance. If you want a guy to take you for granted, text your heart out.

Otherwise, limit texting for critical communication (you're running late, for example). Give him a reason to want to see you. If he tries to engage you in a lengthy text conversation, text back, "Sorry. Busy. Meet up sometime?"

You've put the ball in his court. You've let him know you have a life, but you're interested enough to meet him face-to-face. That way, you can gauge his interest, instead of having to wonder if he wants to be your boyfriend or just another text buddy.

Are Men Really From Mars? (Or Just This Guy?)

Terry,

Men ARE from Mars!

In a nutshell..I am on one of those social utility sites (Mybook..lol)..have many friends from overseas and long distance in general...a lot are guys that I have never met, but enjoy the occasional email with. So, BOY, was I surprised to receive a very long email from one of them recently outlining why he couldn't be in a relationship with me (I would have thought that was obvious. The other side of the planet being a little too inconvenient) and going into great detail about his new love..and how he doesn't want to hurt my feelings...you get the idea.

This has given me the feeling that MEN certainly look at things differently from ME.

I showed no romantic interest in this guy at all. Just friendly emails..the same as I have written to my female friends who happen to live overseas.

What's this about Terry? Can you shed any light on this guy's behaviour?

Sian


Hey, Sian-

This has very little to do with you, and everything to do with him.

He mistook garden variety friendliness for romantic interest. Unfortunately, this happens all the time. A guy (or girl) is socially inept, and they misread signs. Or, a guy (or girl) thinks they're 'all that,' and they misread the signs.

And it doesn't take much for them to do it, either.

Here's an example: Some years ago, I ran into a female acquaintance who'd lost a considerable amount of weight. Instead of shouting something insensitive like, "WOW! YOU USED TO BE SO FAT. WHAT HAPPENED?," I remarked, "You look absolutely fabulous." And I smiled at the girl.

(You see, I used to struggle with my weight, too, and suffered the occasional moron who'd run up to me in a public place and bellow, "YOU USED TO BE TREMENDOUS! LOOK AT YOU! WHAT HAPPENED?" So I was thrilled for this individual.)

A few weeks later, a friend said to me, "Terry, there's a rumor going around that someone is gay, who is definitely not gay."

"Really? Who?" I asked.

"You'll never guess. It's so ridiculous."

"Tell me."

"Apparently, Lisa Jones (the girl who'd lost weight) is telling people you came on to her at the Harp & Mandolin a couple of weeks ago."

Of course I was angry, Sian, not because she'd called me gay but because she was presumptuous enough to assume that if I were gay I would be attracted to her.

For a long time, I stopped complimenting people for fear they'd 'take it the wrong way,' but this isn't fair. People want to be noticed, and they should be. We crave love and attention the way plants lean toward the sun.

So, don't worry about this guy and his overkill letter about his new love, and how he nobly and gallantly let you down easily. It was never about you, anyway.

Her Son Doesn't Want Her to Date

Hi Terry,

I met a man on an online dating service. He emailed me to tell me that he is interested in speaking to me. He immediately gave me his number. I called him and we talked. He called me on Monday. We had a date set up for Thursday, and my son who is grown man sabotaged the whole date by calling him on the phone telling him not to call on this number.

The guy called me back and told me that he cannot make it Thursday and will call me next week. My son does not want me to date because he doesn't trust my judgement. My previous boyfriend was dysfunctional. I read your column and have learned a lot from your advice. What can I do about the above situation with my son?

Not Thrilled

Hello, Not Thrilled-

You're an adult, so you should be able to make your own decisions. However, you mention that your former boyfriend was "dysfunctional," and since this could mean any number of things, I don't know whether your son is controlling, or if he's truly justified in wanting to protect you.

You say your son doesn't trust your judgement. Have you tried asking him what it'll take to change that? If he's right about the ex-boyfriend (notice I said if), do you see now how you might have accepted unacceptable situations and behaviors? Are you willing not to accept such treatment again in the future?

Most of us have experienced dating a person who didn't treat us well, but it's critical to not to make a habit of falling for such people. In other words, heed the signs and get the hell out of there.

Let me ask you a question: Why do you want to date in the first place? What is your goal? Are you looking for that "friendship that has caught fire," as Ann Landers (I think it was she, although it may have been her sister, Dear Abby) used to say?

Or are you looking for a man to make you feel worthwhile?

If it's the friendship-on-fire, good for you. Date people who treat you with love, kindness, and respect. If it's the man to make you feel worthwhile, please know that nobody is ever going to make you feel worthwhile but you. Self-worth comes from you. Interestingly, when women feel good about themselves, they attract good men.

Now, it's entirely possible that your son is out of line. If he has a history of controlling behavior, it's time for you to set boundaries. He shouldn't be screening your calls.

If you choose to see this new man, please remember to meet him in a public place. Take your own transportation. Get to know him (keep your eyes and ears open) before you let him into your car, home, and life.

I hope this helps.

She Attracts Married Men

Hi Terry,

Why is it I attract all the wrong men all the time? Why do I keep
attracting married men, who I don't want?

And all the single men aren't keepers....

Regards,
Magnet for the Married Man

Dear Magnet-

Sometimes we attract the wrong men because we're subconsciously afraid of attracting the right one. Attracting the right one offers the possibility of a committed relationship, and that scares the daylights out of a lot of us.

It used to scare the daylights out of me.

This may or may not apply to you, but more than one married man has told me that he suddenly became irresistible to single women once he started wearing a wedding ring. Married men can be perceived as mature, grounded, responsible, sexy, and -- oh, yeah -- off limits. And being off limits presents a compelling challenge for a lot of women. The fact that she will probably never trip over his underwear on on a daily basis appeals to her on subconscious level.

You mention that single men are not keepers. Okay, definitely many single men are not keepers. But single men with the attractive qualities of their married counterparts exist.

Which begs the question: How come you're not meeting them?

It's possible you are meeting them, but you're not attracted to them because, on some level, you don't want a relationship. It really helps to take out a pen right this minute and write the word 'MARRIAGE' on top of a piece of paper. Then, without censoring yourself, write down every single word or phrase that comes to mind.

You may be surprised what you find out. Some women find themselves with a list that looks like this:

-security
-smothering
-yelling
-cooking
-love
-happiness
-children
-loss of identity
-cheating
-divorce

And so on.

As you can see, some of the impressions are positive, and some of them are decidedly negative. But, once you find out what you fear about committed relationships, you can face those fears and turn them around. For instance, would you have to lose your identity if you got married? Can you think of examples of women who didn't? Is infidelity a factor in every marriage, or is that an idea you picked up from a tabloid headline while waiting to check out at the supermarket (I'm not making fun of you; media messages are insidious and powerful).

Once you face your fears, it's very possible you'll find yourself attracting -- and just as important --being attracted to available men.

Good luck.

Get Back With Your Ex: A Guy's Approach


Today I'm letting John Garett, author of John's Dating Tips Blog, do the heavy lifting. Here's an approach he recommends to men who want to reunite with their exes.

Why should you, Female Reader, care? Because John points out a critical element in getting an ex back: Maintaining dignity. It's not about playing hard-to-get; it's about remembering human nature. Every one of us, male or female, wants to date (or marry) an individual who demonstrates self-esteem. We all want a prize.

At the end of the piece, John recommends setting up a meeting, and this is where we part company (not wild about some of the photos he uses to illustrate his posts, either). Guy breaks up with me? I'm not making an appointment to see him.

But if he made an appointment to see me? If I missed him, John's right. I'd go.

Guys: 3 Simple Steps How to Get Back Together With Your Ex

I'm going to give you three easy and simple steps how you can get back together with your ex. The best thing is you can use this right away. However, this is just the "quick and dirty" method that should work for the majority of breakups.

But if your situation is a little more tense and has more variables in it... then you need to try the more advanced techniques.

But to keep things simple... I'm going to stick with these three simple and easy steps that you can implement today.

OK?

Alright. First of all, breaking up really, really sucks. And it can hurt... a lot... and you are probably missing her in a bad way.

Some of you may actually fall into a depressed state and feel like your world is just about to fall apart.

And those feeling may cause you to make rash decissions such as calling your ex and begging her to come back to you. As you will find out, this is a very bad idea!

I can't begin to emphasize how much calling, emailing, and texting your ex-girlfriend is going to turn her off... on you.

SO DON'T DO IT... NO MATTER HOW DESPERATE YOU ARE!!

And the key word here is desperate. That is what she will see if you are doing this. Desperate and needy...

And the only thing going through her mind is... "Eww!" And she can't get away from you fast enough.

So grow some stones and remember you are a man... act like one.

But does that mean you can't get her back? Absolutely not! There are techniques that you can do to put the ball on your court and massively increase the chances of getting back together with her...

So without any futher explainations here is the 3 simple steps you can do right now to get back together with your ex.

1) Accept the fact that you broke up.

It happened. And it happened for a reason. But the key thing here is to let her know that you are OK with the break up and understand that you both need to "move on." It does seem a little counter-intuitive but what this does is calms the waters of the break up. She can sit back and think about the relationship without any pressure from you. And doing so, hopefully she will realize that she still loves you and guess what? She will find a way to get back together with you.

2) Leave your communication devices alone.

Don't call her. Don't email her. And don't text her. Do what Yosemite Sam always suggests, "Just back off!" This is the thinking time for her. Let her mind do all the work for you. Pressuring her is just going to push her further away from you.

So stop contacting her. Give her some time to miss being with you again.

3) Plan now for the get together.

Of course you aren't going to be sitting on your hands during this time. Start planning on the get together. And by get together, I mean where you both should meet and what you will say to her when you do meet. This get together will give you an opportunity to gauge if she still loves you and if there is any chance of getting back together.

To sum it up, be cool about the break up. Give her time to think about you. And plan for the get together.

Now here is another bonus tip for you... never, ever lose your cool and don't argue with her either.


If you're looking for more ideas to improve your love life, check out John's blog for dating books review, dating tips, and random thoughts.

John's Dating Tips Blog

Adventures in Dating a Pathological Liar

Dear Terry:

A friend of mine suggested I write to you about my bizarre experience. I like your techniques for visualizing a healthy, positive relationship with a wonderful partner. I was in a serious relationship for three years. I ended that relationship three months ago. I acknowledge that my ex had major issues and was a codependent. He did not communicate in a forthright manner and I had trouble trusting him. I can accept that he was not ready for commitment. But I am still trying to figure out reality. I need help with this other mess so I can put the final nails in the coffin. (I am seeking therapy, taking dance classes, went on vacation with old friends, etc. to refocus on myself).

I worked in the same office as my ex for three years. He said that his Catholic family would have a hard time dealing with me because I am not a Catholic. Due to his rigid boundaries, I never saw the inside of his apartment. I met his family when he moved back home but was introduced as his co-worker. We were very private and slow in revealing that we were together because he had supervised me at one point and did not want accusations of favoritism. A year into the relationship I went to grad school in another state and we became long-distance. That's when I found out through friends he was engaged to our former boss. I always knew my ex was good friends with this woman, although I did not get along with her. He withheld information from me until I confronted him. He admitted to being engaged but said it was only for immigration purposes because he was under threat of deportation. Because we all worked for an immigrant rights organization, I believed his story. He said I had expectations of marriage and that's why it was easier to be publicly engaged to a friend. I had never observed any flirtatious behavior between them. A year later I found out through friends that she was telling people she was married to my ex, there was no immigration case, and that I was a stalker. But my relationship with him was always consensual. I told him point-blank that I would not be romantic with him if he were married. At the time of the engagement, my friends and I had made some calls to him, his family, the supposed wife, his workplace, and the supposed wife's family to figure out whether the gossip was true. I never harassed them. I was simply on a fact-finding mission. I wanted our relationship to work. He told me his maybe wife had poor mental health, had started believing that she was married, and was in denial that I was his girlfriend. I thought by him talking to her she would put to rest these rumors. But close to our third anniversary, friends mentioned that the woman still acted like they were married, living together, with no immigration hearing. I searched state marriage records and no evidence was found to indicate they were legally married. I tried talking to her but she never returned my calls/emails. I tried calling his lawyer and the courthouse and no records were found on his deportation hearing. Given his close working relationship and long history with her, what am I supposed to believe?

Was he an evil man who played two women against each other? Or is his story true, that he is dysfunctional in his personal life and being silent comes easier to him than humiliating his boss/good friend? He was gentle, nice, charming, and cordial to all my friends/family so I fell for it. Where was his wife when we were all over our home computers carrying on conversations? Did his sister who befriended me know he was married? Either way he was disloyal, deceptive, and selfish.

Was I attracted to a manipulative sociopath/compulsive liar? Or was he simply a passive coward, and the truth is stranger than fiction?

With your experience, I hope you can help me solve this mystery. I want to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Your response will help me move on.

Thanks for listening.

Gotta Know the Deal Here


Dear Gotta Know-

First off, congratulations on getting therapy and taking steps to move on with your life.

You pretty much summed it up when you wrote, "Either way he was disloyal, deceptive, and selfish."

He was, and that's all that matters, really. Whether he and the former boss were ever married is irrelevant. The guy has shown himself to be disloyal, deceptive, and selfish, and you deserve much better than that.

Just so you know: You're not alone. I've known other (two just off the top of my head) women who were conned by seemingly charming men who came up with some ridiculous fairy tale with regard to some other woman in their lives. And guess what? In the end, both of these women ended up being confronted by the other woman (or, really, the wife or the true girlfriend) who called them -- guess what?-- stalkers.

This seems to be a technique of pathological men: Pit two women against each other and sit back and enjoy the show (to be fair, I've known women who love to get men to fight over them, too). It's narcissistic, pathetic behavior.

The good news is, you know what you don't want: A guy who's disloyal, deceptive, and selfish. So now you know what you do want: A guy who's loyal, honest, loving, and generous.

To stop yourself from 'making the same mistakes,' write an affirmation around what you do want:

"I am happily married to a loyal, honest, loving, generous, fun man."

What would that look like, feel like, smell like, taste like, and sound like? Bring it to life in your imagination (at least) twice daily. Over time, the details will start to fill themselves in.

(This sounds simplistic, but it really does work.)

Definitely keep seeing your therapist. Keep the focus on enjoying life. Keep bringing this new and fresh relationship you desire to mind, filling in details as you go, letting your subconscious mind accept it as fact. (Also, by honing in on what you do want, as opposed to what you don't want, you ensure you'll recognize it when it shows up).

Napoleon Hill said it best: What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.

Good luck. I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

She Keeps Sabotaging Herself in Love and Life

Hi Terry,

What do you do when your whole adult dating life has been this: "I see you only as a friend, a buddy, nothing more? I cannot handle anything more than that. Do you understand?"

This has been the story of my life, every man I ever dated, I was always the friend. The buddy. Nothing more. Now it is happening again. A man I dated for 3 years, suddenly decided, after I sent him an email asking for more than what we have. He said "I am not able to give you any more. I hope you never thought of me as a boyfriend, I never was." I only saw you as a friend, whose company I enjoyed. If you want more, then I suggest we end this now."

Before I sent the email, this man was very romantic with me, very kind. He was moving slowly, but moving in the right direction. With every guy I have ever dated I have played the same game. I can look back on my life and realize that I keep making the same mistake. I am 52 years old, never been in love, never been able to get past the friendship.

Every guy tells me I play too many games. I do not seem to learn from past mistakes. I do the same things with every job I have. Funny, I have been fired from every job I ever had. And forget references, they do not exist.

The man I am dating now wants to talk to me on Friday. I know what the talk is. How do I move on, or repair the damage I have done? And how do I stop sabotaging my life?

-Answer Me

Dear Answer Me:

Your letter breaks my heart.

You're wise to have come to the conclusion that you are the common denominator in your problems. Many people never, ever do that and keep making the same mistakes forever.

To find out why you keep sabotaging yourself, it's important that you contact a (good) licensed therapist, someone who will help you stop the sabotage so you can achieve a healthy, loving relationship and the ability to succeed in a job. With the right help, you can turn things around.

In the meantime, I recommend you read a wonderful book by Louise Hay entitled You Can Heal Your Life. It's helped many people, including me.

I wish you every good thing in the world, and I truly respect you for taking responsibility to change things.

Terry

She's Standing By Her Man

Megan McAllister, the fiancee of Philip Markoff, issued a statement through an attorney yesterday: She's in love with the accused Craigslist killer, and she's sticking with him. In the Today clip below, psychotherapist Robi Ludwig explains why it's natural that she's doing this, even though the evidence against him is piling up.

But Megan McAllister is lucky. She's been spared the agony of being married to an alleged sociopath. Seven years from now, she won't be worrying about police banging on her door while terrified small children dig fingernails into her calves.

Still, the past two weeks must have been so disappointing, scary, sad, and confusing for this woman and her family. The weeks and months ahead of her will be difficult. I'm praying she gets the strength and comfort she deserves, along with the ability to trust her own instincts and enjoy life again.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Secrets of a Happy Marriage

There's a lot to glean from a New York Times 'State of the Unions' interview with Andrea Perlbinder and Garth Stein, a married couple whose wedding the reporter, Lois Smith Brady, covered in 1993.

I especially liked the couple's attitudes about marriage:

“For one thing, Ms Stein said, she still believes doubts are the most corrosive thing to a relationship. So they don’t indulge in them. 'If there’s any doubt — the minute you throw the ‘but’ in — you’re throwing in enough energy to make it a struggle,” she said. “There can’t be any ‘buts’ basically.'

Also, there cannot be any lies. 'Be honest, maybe brutally honest,' Mr. Stein said. 'I think honesty is the key to all relationships. If you’re pretending, it’s just the same as with writing: you can see it in two sentences.'

I like the way they work together to solve problems. Two of their children suffered from food allergies, and the couple moved heaven and earth to resolve them. They eventually succeeded, but until then, Mr. Stein said, "“Every time we went to a kids’ party, we had to bake our own cupcakes.”

I really like that "we" and "our" stuff. "We" and "our" stuff goes a long way in building a happy, healthy, and lasting relationship.

Check out the rest of their story here.

Stuff I Won't Do for Money

Every now and then I get an offer from some Internet-based outfit looking to team up with me for a joint-venture. The point of a JV is to help both me and the other party to make money.

Some of the suitors offer products I consider of value (for instance, Kathy Wilson's program which teaches ordinary citizens how they can start businesses of their own on the Internet), but some of them are downright heinous.

Last week, I fielded an offer from a guy who claims he admires this page and asked me to post a link to a site for married people who want to have affairs. If he'd even taken a look at this page, he'd have figured out pretty quickly that promoting infidelity isn't my thing.

And not too long ago, I got a request to do a JV venture with a woman profiting from a program that promised to convince a man's wife or girlfriend to agree to a threesome (featuring a second woman, natch).

Ugh. Get the hell away from me.

On the other hand, if you happen to promote a product that actually contributes to people's happiness and to the betterment of society, and you think we can help each other, feel free to contact me about it.

She's Having Trouble Visualizing a Perfect Relationship

Dear Terry,

I bought your e-book recently and your tips make perfectly sense to me. However I have a question about how to generate that warm and strong FEELING when you think of the man who possesses all of your desired qualities. I came up with a generous, caring, creative, exciting, faithful, loyal, cosmopolitan, emotionally expressive and committed guy)...a long list ...I know :-)

I can say these qualities, write them down ( I did!), but I cannot somehow FEEL them in my stomach and the man who comes along with these qualities. and I realize how important that part is in attracting what you want. I played with different qualities, different words but that didn't change anything..I cannot picture this man or feel him being with me.

After three long relationships ( 2-3 years) which were partly good, painful or just didn't work out I somehow I cannot FEEL anymore that this man exists.

Can you help?

Thank you so much!

Best,
M.

Hello, M.-

When I started visualizing, I found it just as difficult to 'feel' emotion as you do now.

So I can tell you that if you persist in visualizing, the pieces (which feel very mechanical and unnatural right now) will start to fit, the person you envision will begin to flesh out, and you will start believing this relationship is not a product of your imagination but a fact of your life. So please keep it up.

Also, if you can think of specific disappointing incidents between you and former boyfriends, write them down, and then ask yourself what emotion you felt at the time (boredom, sadness, anger?), and then ask yourself, "How could this situation be changed so that in a future relationship I feel joy?"

In other words, if you once found yourself eating cold french fries under fluorescent light in a fast food restaurant, noting the size of your then-boyfriend's pores, wondering if that particular relationship was as good as it would ever get for you, ask yourself: What would have made that situation joyful instead (a restaurant with better food and lighting, and, oh, maybe a waiter; conversation with a much-different guy in which you found yourself excited and laughing?)

What, for instance, would you and this emotionally expressive guy you're now envisioning do together? Where do you go? What do you talk about? What do you see, hear, feel, smell, and taste? (He's cosmopolitan; you meet him after work. What's he wearing? Where are you going? If it's drinks and dinner, where do you go for drinks and dinner? What's the temperature? What do you eat? And so on....)

All you really need is to create one joyful situation and keep bringing it to mind throughout the day. You've already started the ball rolling by writing the qualities down, so now bring this man and the relationship you desire to live in your imagination. Keep going. Joy and excitement will begin to rise up.

It also helps (a great deal) to listen to music that hits you in the solar plexus when you're doing visualizations (these days it's Coldplay for me; once upon a time it was Simple Minds and Kate Bush).

I hope this helps.

Terry

Away From My Desk...

I'm in Manhattan visiting my sister and trying to keep an eye on her very active 4-year-old, so I won't post today.

At home, my Internet connection should be restored Friday morning (keeping my fingers crossed). Hope to post again then.

Sex and the Fledgling Relationship

Hi Terry!

I subscribe to your mails and was wondering what you thought of this blog post by a girl whose sense of love, life and everything I love and follow. She is a very popular blogger based out of NYC and New Zealand, and one of her recent blog posts talks about sleeping with a guy on the first date.

Especially when it comes to things like the law of attraction and my belief in it and things like what conception do you have of yourself, I feel what she says makes a lot of sense too. What do you think? I'll be interested to know.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Take care,
Keep My Name Out of It

Dear Keep-

Thanks so much for letting me know about this blogger and her take on sleeping with a guy on the first date. She's very funny, and she brings up an excellent point (that I should also have made in my recent email and didn't):

It's sexist and misguided to hold off on sex purely so that some guy will love or 'respect' you for it.

My feeling is that a man who would sleep with you but disrespect you for sleeping with him is a hypocrite and should be discarded immediately.

The important thing is that a woman not sleep with a guy because a) he's pushing it, or b) she thinks he expects it, or c) she thinks it will keep his interest.

She must be true to herself.

Now, I'm a bit of a germophobe, so I would be reluctant to sleep with a guy on the first date because I haven't had enough time to assess how frequently he showers, whether or not he washes his hands after he goes to the bathroom, if his hard drive is cluttered with questionable porn, or if he has any diseases.

See, I was at the OB/GYN not too long ago, and a sales rep floated in with a wheelie cart filled to the tippy-top of an 'as-seen-on-TV' herpes medication. When I got in to see my doctor, I asked her, "Are there really so many people afflicted with herpes that sales reps are passing out that number of samples?"

Her response?

"One out of five people have active lesions. Another percentage carry the virus and don't know it."

From a Law of Attraction standpoint, visualize and 'feel' yourself in your perfect relationship. Don't worry about sex. When that perfect relationship shows up, my hunch is your subconscious (which you're programming to work in your best interests) will show you the way to go.

I hope this helps, and thank you for helping me to further clarify my feelings on this matter.

Why He Didn't Call You Back

Just back from a day with my aunt, so check out this eye-opening Today segment with Dating Coach Rachel Greenwald, author of Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Twelve Springtime Tips for Meeting Men

Spring can be a brilliant time to meet new men. People are clicking off the remote and getting out of the house again. Here are 12 tips for meeting a guy who'll make you happy you clicked off yours:

1. Write a list of the qualities you don't want in a man (for good material, think about your old boyfriends).

2. Turn it around and write the qualities you do want.

3. Read this list three times a day. Visualize yourself with such a person. Bring up the emotions you'd feel being with him.

4. Go where men go. Become a regular face there. Sign up for sailing lessons or fishing trips. Show up at readings at your local bookstore. Spend Sunday afternoons enjoying a cocktail at an outdoor restaurant. Find something you like to do and do it. Become a regular. Much more important, become a friend.

(NOTE: This does not mean you should pretend to love fishing if you hate it; it means you should do things that you like to do -- or would like to try --that men tend to like to do.)

5. Dress appropriately. For instance, wear sportswear instead of low-cut dresses to sports bars. You'd be shocked how many smart women try to get attention by looking overly sexy, but they strike others as being 'on the make.' As a result, they attract guys on the make. Look pretty, but blend in with the crowd.

6. Avoid singles-only events. They draw creeps like ants to a picnic.

7. Accept invitations to family barbecues, christenings, and weddings. You never know when someone will bring along a new face. (I did tell you the one about the woman who met her future husband at her own sister's dinner table, didn't I? Her brother had brought along a new friend and romance ensued.) Do not allow yourself to be held hostage by smug married people who imply you're defective because you're single, or who yammer on endlessly about their children's achievements.

8. Spend time with old female friends and make new ones (women friends are a good source for making new men friends).

9. Get out of your car. Take mass transit. Walk. Wait on line for a bank teller instead of whizzing into the drive-thru.

10. Smile at people. Most humans (the ones worth getting to know, anyway) will smile back.

(NOTE: This tip doesn't always work in large urban areas like London or New York City, where you could be mistaken for a crazy person. It does work almost everywhere else.)

11. Learn to flirt. This does not mean batting your eyelashes like a big dummy. Women who are successful with men are not necessarily beautiful, but they do know how to talk to them.

12. Take a second job. If you like people and could use extra cash wait tables, preferably in a restaurant that caters to successful people. A friend of mine met her affluent husband this way. Fifteen years later, they have two children and two beautiful homes. (They're also wild about each other.) The musician Phil Lesh didn't end up with one of the thousands of fans he met during his career with the Grateful Dead. He married the waitress who served him breakfast in a coffee shop near his home (lest you fret that his wife still serves him, his autobiography mentions that Phil washes dishes and used to drive his children to school). He has been married for more than 20 years.

The world is full of wonderful men, so please do back away from Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels. Determine the qualities you want in your wonderful man. Bring him to life in your imagination. Then put yourself in places where you're likely to meet him.

"Over 90% of Attraction is Based on How You Feel About Yourself"

So says Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, who'll once again offer her popular Flirt School on April 18th in spectacular Shelton, Connecticut (well, we're hoping Shelton will be spectacular by April 18th. It's been a ridiculously long winter).

I've heard Ronnie speak. Not only does she give excellent tips for getting out and meeting people (and, more importantly, feeling comfortable doing it), she's highly humorous. So, you'll have a good time.

If you can't be in Connecticut on the 18th, check out Ronnie's book, MANifesting Mr. Right, where she tells how she met her Mr. Right after age 40, and how you can meet yours at any age.

If you can be in Connecticut (somebody really should offer me a job with the tourism office), here are the details:

Saturday, April 18th 9am - Noon Shelton, CT
Location information supplied with completed registration.

Early Bird Registration (before April 8th): $35
(Late registration: $45)
Includes Ronnie's book, MANifesting Mr. Right, or any audio program of your choice.

Register online here, or call Ronnie at 203-877-3777.

Get Your Ex Back

We all fall in love sometimes. And sometimes things work out, and sometimes they don't.

Sigh.

And when they don't, our minds tend to go into overdrive trying to figure out how to get the object of our affection to love us back. The Queen of Relationships offers sensible (and humorous) advice.

Read it here.

Raise Your Standards to Stop Attracting Substandard Men

Terry-

My boyfriend is very open with me and loves, as well as respects me. He treats me exceptionally well, and you can see he loves me. We spend a great deal of time together in pretty much one place - the sports bar.

We attend sporting events, and if we can find anything else to do, we will. I live with my parents and don't quite know where he lays his head now that he supposedly moved out of the house he shared with an ex-girlfriend. I decided it was time for me to have my own place to live and began my search. Just when I decided on the right apartment, I lost my job.

So now we are at a point where the need is still present for us to have a home to spend time in (his or mine), and neither of us have that. He knows where I live however, after we leave each other, I don't know where he goes to. I have dealt with it for a very long time, patiently waiting for him to tell me the things I know he hasn't said. I don't always want to be so patient. I don't know what to do.

-Waiting for Answers

Dear Waiting-

A couple of things stick out for me from your message. Here's one:

"I live with my parents and don't quite know where he lays his head now that he supposedly moved out of the house he shared with an ex-girlfriend."

The phrases that trouble me in that sentence are:

"...don't quite know where he" and "...supposedly moved out."

Here's another sentence that bothers me:

"I don't know where he goes to. I have dealt with it for a very long time, patiently waiting for him to tell me the things I know he hasn't said."

Now, I get it that he treats you extemely well when you're in the sports bar. He probably treats you as if you're the only woman on earth. When you're together, you're walking on air. You're absolutely tingling.

But when you're not together, you're walking around with giant question marks in your head:

WHERE DOES HE GO AFTER HE LEAVES ME?
WHERE DOES HE LIVE?
IS HIS EX STILL IN THE PICTURE?

You get scared. Then you get sad. Then you try to line up evidence to make your case that he does, indeed, love you. Then you get happy. And then you remember that you don't know where the hell he goes after he tells you goodnight. Yout get scared again. You can't sleep. You don't know what to do. You can't concentrate at work. You can't take it anymore.

And then you see him again, and everything's beautiful. The birds are singing, the stars are winking just for you.

You are on a roller coaster, and you must get off.

If you don't know where a man lives, you do not have a relationship (or, if you know where he lives, but he refuses to let you in, you do not have a relationship).

Right now, you are meeting a guy in a bar who seems to really, really, really like you. He may say he loves you and appears to be 'open' with you in every other way, but if he does not let you know where he lives, he is not being straight with you.

In other words, his words and actions are one big jumble.

I know you don't want who hear this (who does?), but here' s the good news. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

You deserve a guy who not only lets you know where he lives, he actually invites you there. He never makes you lie awake wondering about why he says one thing and then does another.

Stop torturing yourself. You say you don't know what to do, but I'll tell you what I would do.

I would stop going to that sports bar, and if that man called me to find out why, I'd tell him the truth: "I know where my friends live. I know where my family lives. I don't know where you live. I don't know where you go. I don't know very much about you at all."

Until a man's actions line up with his words, let this be your mantra: "I CAN DO BETTER."

Because you surely can (but only if you believe you can).

Terry

An Effective Way to Find Out If He's Interested

Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, author of Manifesting Mr. Right, says 'dropping the ball' is the best way to find out if a guy's interested. I agree, although for different reasons (she says it comes down to DNA; I think it comes down to human nature. Both men and women like a 'prize' -- something or someone -- they have to work a bit for).

Whatever. It works. Check out Ronnie's advice here.