Sure, we all want relationships with guys who a) have a job, and b) can keep a job, and c) make a comfortable living. We want to sleep at night.
We also want an equal.
And I got that, I'm grateful to say. However, it was also important that I marry a guy who, in the words of a good friend, "had a soul." (Said friend is a hotshot in the financial industry, who has worked alongside plenty of people who don't.)
To me, having a soul means treating another person as you'd have them treat you. It requires empathy and compassion. Yeah, money, style, and flat abs are great, but since we're all going to die one day (sorry for the reminder), it would be best to do it in the arms of a fine man who's happy to forgo a golf game to spend a little time at our bedsides.
So what does all this have to do with a guy and his job?
Well, two years ago, I attended a Christmas party chock full of corporate types. Two of the super-successful guests were an attractive married couple. Over dinner, the husband held court, telling us about his job at a major credit card company where he was paid to come up with schemes to induce customers to add charges to their accounts (and subsequently pay interest) for services they'd probably never need.
More than a few of us at the table were shocked.
"Is that even legal?" one woman asked.
"Don't you get sued?"
The guy answered smugly, "Of course we get sued, but not enough to make us stop."
I hated the guy instantly, and I didn't quite understand the proud look on his wife's face, either.
Fast forward two years.
Peter and I went to a Christmas party on Saturday, and who turns up at the end of the evening but The Credit Card Bandito, sans wife.
"I'm single!" he announced.
Big surprise.
He proceeded to regale anybody who'd listen about his new job at some other seemingly legitimate firm that specializes in defrauding the American consumer.
When a good friend of mine told him that she'd recently been hit for a series of monthly charges for some "shopping service" she'd never even signed up for, the guy responded, "That's right! You gotta watch those bills! Most people aren't looking at their bills! That's how we get them."
So, if you're not looking at your bills, you may have fallen victim to one of his scams yourself. He's handsomely paid for his efforts, and I'm sure he looks great in a suit, but it didn't surprise me that he's on the market again. He's a creep. His wife probably figured that out.
Seriously, I would have married a professional pooper scooper over a man who makes his living like that. How far's a guy willing to go to make a buck? Find out. It speaks volumes about his character.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
How Can She Tell If He Likes Her?
Terry,
I have a crazy situation!
I like this guy who I met thru a friend community. It turned out that we have a lot of common friends. We met only once and kissed! He does not call me often, and I ignore him, too.
How do I know if he likes me?
-LostNlove
Hello, Lost-
From the way you describe the situation, he's called you, but you've been ignoring him. Stop ignoring him!
When he calls, sound friendly and receptive. Say something casual like, "Hey, I really enjoyed meeting you, and I'd love to see you again some time."
See what he says. See what he does. See where it takes you.
If he doesn't call you (you may have put him off by ignoring him), call him. Once. Again, be casual. Say something like, "Hey, I haven't heard from you in a while, and I was wondering how you're doing."
See what happens.
If he asks you out, go out. If he doesn't, let him pick up the phone next time.
It's important to show interest, and that's quite a different thing from being clingy or initiating all contact. Show interest. Be available, but don't be too available.
In the end, it's a guy's responsibility to let you know how he feels. It's not your job to read his mind. If he doesn't express interest, assume he's not interested and move on.
But, remember, it's not his job to read your mind, either. Show a little interest!
-Terry
I have a crazy situation!
I like this guy who I met thru a friend community. It turned out that we have a lot of common friends. We met only once and kissed! He does not call me often, and I ignore him, too.
How do I know if he likes me?
-LostNlove
Hello, Lost-
From the way you describe the situation, he's called you, but you've been ignoring him. Stop ignoring him!
When he calls, sound friendly and receptive. Say something casual like, "Hey, I really enjoyed meeting you, and I'd love to see you again some time."
See what he says. See what he does. See where it takes you.
If he doesn't call you (you may have put him off by ignoring him), call him. Once. Again, be casual. Say something like, "Hey, I haven't heard from you in a while, and I was wondering how you're doing."
See what happens.
If he asks you out, go out. If he doesn't, let him pick up the phone next time.
It's important to show interest, and that's quite a different thing from being clingy or initiating all contact. Show interest. Be available, but don't be too available.
In the end, it's a guy's responsibility to let you know how he feels. It's not your job to read his mind. If he doesn't express interest, assume he's not interested and move on.
But, remember, it's not his job to read your mind, either. Show a little interest!
-Terry
Thursday, December 13, 2007
She Thinks Three's a Crowd
Dear Terry:
I consider my mother my best friend, but I have a problem that I definitely cannot discuss with her.
I have been seeing a guy (we can call him John) for about a year. Things are going well, and we've discussed marriage. He has made hints about giving me a ring for Christmas.
The problem is, since Halloween he has been telling me that he fantasizes about "sharing" me with another woman. At first I laughed it off, but he has been persistent. He keeps telling me that having a threesome would cement our relationship and make us stronger as a couple.
Personally, I know he's feeding me a line. I have zero desire to ever get into a situation with another woman. The very idea of it makes me sick to my stomach. I am totally straight.
Unfortunately, I've come to love this guy and have gotten used to having him in my life. I'm 31 years old, and I would like to get married and have kids. Is it possible that I can have these things without being "shared" or having to fight about it for the rest of my life?
I'm afraid that if John shows up at my door on Christmas Eve with a ring, I will be too excited to step back and clarify things before I marry him. Do you think he can get over this obsession of his? Can we get back to who we were before it showed up?
-Skeeved in Saskatoon
Dear Skeeved-
I think it's interesting that John wants to "share you" (nice euphemism, by the way) with another woman. I wonder how he'd feel if you told him you'd rather be shared by another man--or better yet, you'd like to share him with another man.
Hah!
Can you imagine the look on his face if you told him the arrangement would cement your relationship? I mean, seriously.
Since you're clearly not into 3-way action, your feelings must be respected. Either John is going to have to let go of this fantasy (which, as you understand, benefits him and not you at all), or he's going to have to let go of you.
You might try telling him what a good male friend once told me. After managing to achieve John's goal, he reported that it wasn't nearly what it was cracked up to be.
"It was way too much work," he said. "Like, I'm busy with her. I'll get to you later. "
The experience killed the fantasy for him.
It wouldn't hurt for John to consider this guy's point. And it's imperative you make your feelings about all this crystal clear (you're not going for it, and he needs to give it up) before Christmas Eve, or whenever you suspect John may turn up with a ring. You need to determine whether or not you can be happily married to him.
Remember: People do not change after they get married. They only become more of who they already are.
And, for Pete's sake, you're only 31 years old. Don't drag yourself up the aisle because you fear it may be your only chance to get married. Even if it does turn out to be your only chance, you'd be happier getting a cat than binding yourself to a guy who feeds you icky lines about "cementing" your relationship to get what he--and only he-- wants.
I consider my mother my best friend, but I have a problem that I definitely cannot discuss with her.
I have been seeing a guy (we can call him John) for about a year. Things are going well, and we've discussed marriage. He has made hints about giving me a ring for Christmas.
The problem is, since Halloween he has been telling me that he fantasizes about "sharing" me with another woman. At first I laughed it off, but he has been persistent. He keeps telling me that having a threesome would cement our relationship and make us stronger as a couple.
Personally, I know he's feeding me a line. I have zero desire to ever get into a situation with another woman. The very idea of it makes me sick to my stomach. I am totally straight.
Unfortunately, I've come to love this guy and have gotten used to having him in my life. I'm 31 years old, and I would like to get married and have kids. Is it possible that I can have these things without being "shared" or having to fight about it for the rest of my life?
I'm afraid that if John shows up at my door on Christmas Eve with a ring, I will be too excited to step back and clarify things before I marry him. Do you think he can get over this obsession of his? Can we get back to who we were before it showed up?
-Skeeved in Saskatoon
Dear Skeeved-
I think it's interesting that John wants to "share you" (nice euphemism, by the way) with another woman. I wonder how he'd feel if you told him you'd rather be shared by another man--or better yet, you'd like to share him with another man.
Hah!
Can you imagine the look on his face if you told him the arrangement would cement your relationship? I mean, seriously.
Since you're clearly not into 3-way action, your feelings must be respected. Either John is going to have to let go of this fantasy (which, as you understand, benefits him and not you at all), or he's going to have to let go of you.
You might try telling him what a good male friend once told me. After managing to achieve John's goal, he reported that it wasn't nearly what it was cracked up to be.
"It was way too much work," he said. "Like, I'm busy with her. I'll get to you later. "
The experience killed the fantasy for him.
It wouldn't hurt for John to consider this guy's point. And it's imperative you make your feelings about all this crystal clear (you're not going for it, and he needs to give it up) before Christmas Eve, or whenever you suspect John may turn up with a ring. You need to determine whether or not you can be happily married to him.
Remember: People do not change after they get married. They only become more of who they already are.
And, for Pete's sake, you're only 31 years old. Don't drag yourself up the aisle because you fear it may be your only chance to get married. Even if it does turn out to be your only chance, you'd be happier getting a cat than binding yourself to a guy who feeds you icky lines about "cementing" your relationship to get what he--and only he-- wants.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Love, Prayer, and the Law of Attraction
I just finished reading the inspiring and fascinating Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust
by survivor, Immaculee Ilibagiza , in which she describes how she hid from armies of mass murderers in a 3'x4' bathroom with seven other women for 91 days.
While Immaculee's parents, two of her brothers (a third had moved out of Rwanda), and most of her friends met brutal deaths, she escaped. She credits one thing--and one thing only--for the fact that she lives and breathes today:
Prayer.
After she finally made it to safety and began a job with the UN, she says she sought to find love.
"As my heart slowly recovered," she writes, "I began to dream of sharing my life with someone special, of having a family of my own to care for and love. But I was nervous...I remembered my experience with John [a former boyfriend] and was unwilling to subject my fragile heart to a relationship that could go nowhere and end painfully. So, as I'd learned to do whenever faced with a problem or challenge, I called on God. If I wanted a marriage made in heaven, what better matchmaker could there be?
The Bible tells us that if we ask, we shall receive, and that's exactly what I did: I asked God to bring me the man of my dreams. I didn't want to cheat myself--I wanted to be very clear on the kind of person God should send me. So I sat down with a piece of paper and sketched the face of the person I wanted to marry, and then I listed his height and other physical features. I asked for a man of strong character, one who had a warm personality; who was kind, loving, and tender; had a sense of humor and strong morals; who loved me for who I was; who enjoyed children as much as I did; and, above all, loved God."
Some lines later, she continues:
"Once I was clear on exactly what I wanted, I began to visualize it, believing in my heart that it had already come to pass. I'd put it all in God's hands and knew that it was only a matter of time before He would bless me with my wish. But to hurry things along, I took out my father's red and white rosary and began praying for my husband to show up. Three months later, he did: Mr. Bryan Black, who was sent by God, courtesy of the UN, all the way from America!"
Today, Immaculee Ilibagiza and Bryan Black are happily married, the parents of two children, and live on Long Island.
by survivor, Immaculee Ilibagiza , in which she describes how she hid from armies of mass murderers in a 3'x4' bathroom with seven other women for 91 days.While Immaculee's parents, two of her brothers (a third had moved out of Rwanda), and most of her friends met brutal deaths, she escaped. She credits one thing--and one thing only--for the fact that she lives and breathes today:
Prayer.
After she finally made it to safety and began a job with the UN, she says she sought to find love.
"As my heart slowly recovered," she writes, "I began to dream of sharing my life with someone special, of having a family of my own to care for and love. But I was nervous...I remembered my experience with John [a former boyfriend] and was unwilling to subject my fragile heart to a relationship that could go nowhere and end painfully. So, as I'd learned to do whenever faced with a problem or challenge, I called on God. If I wanted a marriage made in heaven, what better matchmaker could there be?
The Bible tells us that if we ask, we shall receive, and that's exactly what I did: I asked God to bring me the man of my dreams. I didn't want to cheat myself--I wanted to be very clear on the kind of person God should send me. So I sat down with a piece of paper and sketched the face of the person I wanted to marry, and then I listed his height and other physical features. I asked for a man of strong character, one who had a warm personality; who was kind, loving, and tender; had a sense of humor and strong morals; who loved me for who I was; who enjoyed children as much as I did; and, above all, loved God."
Some lines later, she continues:
"Once I was clear on exactly what I wanted, I began to visualize it, believing in my heart that it had already come to pass. I'd put it all in God's hands and knew that it was only a matter of time before He would bless me with my wish. But to hurry things along, I took out my father's red and white rosary and began praying for my husband to show up. Three months later, he did: Mr. Bryan Black, who was sent by God, courtesy of the UN, all the way from America!"
Today, Immaculee Ilibagiza and Bryan Black are happily married, the parents of two children, and live on Long Island.
Monday, December 10, 2007
He's a Man, and He Likes Variety
Inside the mind of a Casanova
Click the above link to see this compelling piece from this morning's Today .
I've known women who operate like this guy, so he's only kidding himself a little bit when he says everybody has to be responsible for their emotions. But some people (and some of them are actually men) can't roll past an Arby's drive-thru, let alone control their emotions. Unfortunately, certain women will be attracted this kind of man precisely because he is a heartbreaker.
About his contention that males crave variety, well, I hate to break it to him, but many women do, too. Because of their growing economic independence, some of them feel justified to do more than just check out the menu.
Here's a tip for our Casanova friend: Treat others as you would have them treat you, lest one day you find some woman treating you the same way you treated some other woman.
Oh, yeah, try letting up on the blowdryer.
Friday, December 07, 2007
When it Comes to Attracting Good Men...
Plastic surgery is not necessarily your best option. Click here to see what I mean.
Attract Men Like a Magnet
Hey, did you hear the one about Jennifer Love Hewitt being too fat?
In case you didn't turn on the tube this week, Jennifer has taken heat for appearing in public in a bathing suit and having "too much cellulite."
Jennifer Love Hewitt is a size 2.
If she's too fat, what does that make the rest of us? If you pay any attention to the media, you will quickly discover that you, dear friend, are hideously flawed. And, of course, you don't have what it takes to attract (and keep!) a man. You're too thick in the waist. You need a boob job. Your legs are covered in revolting cottage cheese that must be eradicated by all means possible. You're not girly enough. You're too girly. You don't talk enough. You talk too much. Those pathetic lines around your eyes date you like a day-old roast beef.
Turn off your TV.
The truth of the matter is that men, the desirable ones, don't care all that much about what you look like. They don't care if you're shy, or if you occasionally ramble on about nothing. Instead, they tend to gravitate toward women who possess a valuable, seemingly elusive, quality:
Happiness.
Oh, yes. Happy women attract men, small children, dogs, and guinea pigs like magnets. What man in his right mind wouldn't want to be around a happy woman?
Think I'm being silly? I'm not, and I'll prove it to you.
Like a lot of people, my weight used to fluctuate (although not so much anymore, thanks to regular dates with a NordicTrack). At one point I was 30 pounds heavier than I am today, and some friends had invited me out for dinner and drinks.
I certainly didn't relish the idea of being the fat chick at the bar, but I agreed to go. While trying on 3,000 outfits in an attempt to find something that made me look thin, I had an epiphany: I wasn't going to lose 30 pounds in two hours. My best bet was to forget about feeling fat and put a smile on my face. I set a goal to focus on whomever spoke to me, to look him or her in the eye, and to forget about myself.
Before I left the house, I brought to mind all the things I had going for me. Once I was out, I smiled sincerely at people and made a point of putting them at ease.
The result? One very attractive guy (whom I previously considered completely out of my league) asked me out that night, starting a fun and memorable summer romance.
After we'd broken up a few months later, I woke up with the symptoms of some sort of food allergy. I'd lost 25 pounds, but that didn't change the fact that my eyelids bulged like footballs. My jawline had virtually disappeared. Some evil food product (my bet is on bacon bits; they're not real bacon, you know!) had transformed me into a monster.
I had plans to attend a party that evening, so I immediately turned to the teabag-on-the-eyelid therapy touted by the beauty mags. It failed. I tried cucumber slices next. They also failed. I tried ice packs, frozen spoons, frozen peas. They failed. I tried drinking loads of lemon water and following it up with a pot of detoxifying herbal tea. No luck with that, either.
Clearly, looking my best was not in the cards. After spending the afternoon in the bathroom ridding myself of lemon water and tea, I set out for the party looking like Jabba the Hut from the neck up.
But, once again, I'd made a decision. Sure, I'd be the most physically repellent creature in the room, but why get bummed out about it? Wearing a little brown eye shadow to play down the lid bulge and a confident smile, I hit the party.
All night I banished the nagging temptation to head to the bathroom to poke at my swollen face. Instead, I listened to other peoples' stories. I laughed at their jokes (if they were funny, that is). I achieved my goal of having a great time.
Guess who scored a date with a good-looking, very funny guy?
If you want to attract guys, forget about what's wrong about you. Forget about what's wrong about your job, your boss, and your mother. Cultivate happiness. You'll find yourself attracting better friends, better men, and better circumstances.
Next time you're on your way out of the house and feeling like no man in the world would ever be interested in you, think about things that make you laugh. Bring to mind times in your life when you were truly happy.
Then put a smile on your face and walk out that door!
In case you didn't turn on the tube this week, Jennifer has taken heat for appearing in public in a bathing suit and having "too much cellulite."
Jennifer Love Hewitt is a size 2.
If she's too fat, what does that make the rest of us? If you pay any attention to the media, you will quickly discover that you, dear friend, are hideously flawed. And, of course, you don't have what it takes to attract (and keep!) a man. You're too thick in the waist. You need a boob job. Your legs are covered in revolting cottage cheese that must be eradicated by all means possible. You're not girly enough. You're too girly. You don't talk enough. You talk too much. Those pathetic lines around your eyes date you like a day-old roast beef.
Turn off your TV.
The truth of the matter is that men, the desirable ones, don't care all that much about what you look like. They don't care if you're shy, or if you occasionally ramble on about nothing. Instead, they tend to gravitate toward women who possess a valuable, seemingly elusive, quality:
Happiness.
Oh, yes. Happy women attract men, small children, dogs, and guinea pigs like magnets. What man in his right mind wouldn't want to be around a happy woman?
Think I'm being silly? I'm not, and I'll prove it to you.
Like a lot of people, my weight used to fluctuate (although not so much anymore, thanks to regular dates with a NordicTrack). At one point I was 30 pounds heavier than I am today, and some friends had invited me out for dinner and drinks.
I certainly didn't relish the idea of being the fat chick at the bar, but I agreed to go. While trying on 3,000 outfits in an attempt to find something that made me look thin, I had an epiphany: I wasn't going to lose 30 pounds in two hours. My best bet was to forget about feeling fat and put a smile on my face. I set a goal to focus on whomever spoke to me, to look him or her in the eye, and to forget about myself.
Before I left the house, I brought to mind all the things I had going for me. Once I was out, I smiled sincerely at people and made a point of putting them at ease.
The result? One very attractive guy (whom I previously considered completely out of my league) asked me out that night, starting a fun and memorable summer romance.
After we'd broken up a few months later, I woke up with the symptoms of some sort of food allergy. I'd lost 25 pounds, but that didn't change the fact that my eyelids bulged like footballs. My jawline had virtually disappeared. Some evil food product (my bet is on bacon bits; they're not real bacon, you know!) had transformed me into a monster.
I had plans to attend a party that evening, so I immediately turned to the teabag-on-the-eyelid therapy touted by the beauty mags. It failed. I tried cucumber slices next. They also failed. I tried ice packs, frozen spoons, frozen peas. They failed. I tried drinking loads of lemon water and following it up with a pot of detoxifying herbal tea. No luck with that, either.
Clearly, looking my best was not in the cards. After spending the afternoon in the bathroom ridding myself of lemon water and tea, I set out for the party looking like Jabba the Hut from the neck up.
But, once again, I'd made a decision. Sure, I'd be the most physically repellent creature in the room, but why get bummed out about it? Wearing a little brown eye shadow to play down the lid bulge and a confident smile, I hit the party.
All night I banished the nagging temptation to head to the bathroom to poke at my swollen face. Instead, I listened to other peoples' stories. I laughed at their jokes (if they were funny, that is). I achieved my goal of having a great time.
Guess who scored a date with a good-looking, very funny guy?
If you want to attract guys, forget about what's wrong about you. Forget about what's wrong about your job, your boss, and your mother. Cultivate happiness. You'll find yourself attracting better friends, better men, and better circumstances.
Next time you're on your way out of the house and feeling like no man in the world would ever be interested in you, think about things that make you laugh. Bring to mind times in your life when you were truly happy.
Then put a smile on your face and walk out that door!
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Are You the Fish Caught on His Hook?
Fighting a cold and feeling rather poorly, I decided to spend the afternoon under the covers watching the romantic comedy, The Holiday, starring Kate Winslet and Jack Black for a second time.
I liked it a little less this time around; it's so sweet it made my molars hurt, but I enjoy the fact that it's set in England, and I like England. I haven't been there in a long time, so it's nice to watch a film set there and pretend I'm there, too.
Another thing I like about the movie: Its compelling examination of unrequited love, a tragedy that's affected most of us at one time or another. Kate Winslet plays Iris, a woman who's hung up on a guy who comes and goes and comes again without ever mentioning he's seriously involved with another woman.
As the story progresses, Iris experiences several epiphanies about her beloved's boomerang behavior, which may enlighten the viewer who finds herself in a similar situation.
If you've ever dated a guy who comes on strong, and then disappears, or says he doesn't want a relationship, and then keeps turning up, or is involved with another woman, and then keeps turning up, I'm talking to you.
And perhaps your friends are equally baffled by his erratic passion. Maybe they imagine (as you do) that the guy has commitment issues, that he's afraid of becoming vulnerable and getting hurt. The poor tenderhearted fellow!
But here's the truth: The guy is a self-centered jerk. A kinder way of putting it would be to say he's a narcissist. Manslator Jeff Mac addressed the subject of boomerang men yesterday; he maintains that guys who pull this garbage do it for reasons that have nothing whatsoever to do with you (or me. In days of yore, I fell for not one but two of these clowns. Where the hell were you to set me straight then, Jeff Mac?).
The sad thing is, if you allow yourself to stay on such a guy's hook, you make yourself unavailable to a man who wants to give you the love you deserve.
Are you ready and willing to accept the love you deserve? Slip off the hook. It'll hurt for a little while, but it'll be worth it.
I liked it a little less this time around; it's so sweet it made my molars hurt, but I enjoy the fact that it's set in England, and I like England. I haven't been there in a long time, so it's nice to watch a film set there and pretend I'm there, too.
Another thing I like about the movie: Its compelling examination of unrequited love, a tragedy that's affected most of us at one time or another. Kate Winslet plays Iris, a woman who's hung up on a guy who comes and goes and comes again without ever mentioning he's seriously involved with another woman.
As the story progresses, Iris experiences several epiphanies about her beloved's boomerang behavior, which may enlighten the viewer who finds herself in a similar situation.
If you've ever dated a guy who comes on strong, and then disappears, or says he doesn't want a relationship, and then keeps turning up, or is involved with another woman, and then keeps turning up, I'm talking to you.
And perhaps your friends are equally baffled by his erratic passion. Maybe they imagine (as you do) that the guy has commitment issues, that he's afraid of becoming vulnerable and getting hurt. The poor tenderhearted fellow!
But here's the truth: The guy is a self-centered jerk. A kinder way of putting it would be to say he's a narcissist. Manslator Jeff Mac addressed the subject of boomerang men yesterday; he maintains that guys who pull this garbage do it for reasons that have nothing whatsoever to do with you (or me. In days of yore, I fell for not one but two of these clowns. Where the hell were you to set me straight then, Jeff Mac?).
The sad thing is, if you allow yourself to stay on such a guy's hook, you make yourself unavailable to a man who wants to give you the love you deserve.
Are you ready and willing to accept the love you deserve? Slip off the hook. It'll hurt for a little while, but it'll be worth it.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Are You Still Reading Minds?
Do you ever find yourself asking:
-I wonder if he'll call
-I wonder if he likes me
-I wonder what he meant when he said
-I wonder why he says he doesn't want a relationship, but he keeps showing up where I hang out
-and so on?
If so, you may suffer from the infamous Woman's Mind-Reading Syndrome. It's possible you acquired this afflction from a steady diet of reading women's magazines (the ones with cover blurbs like HOW TO CRACK A MAN'S SECRET CODE and WHY HE CAN'T TALK ABOUT HIS FEELINGS--AND WHAT YOU CAN DO TO DECIPHER THEM!).
Or perhaps you acquired this affliction when someone told you that--since you're a woman--you're naturally more in touch with your feelings, his feelings, the whole world's feelings, and you must take tender care of everybody else's feelings, lest you hurt feelings, which would mean you're a crappy person.
Here's the bottom line on feelings. You treat a man as you would have him treat you. He treats you as he would have you treat him.
If he's not treating you as he would have you treat him (i.e., letting you wonder about his feelings instead of expressing them, saying he doesn't want a relationship before bouncing into bed with you, lying, not calling or showing up when he says he will), then it is time to hit the highway.
Stop wondering why he does the things he does. Stop reading his mind. God knows, he's not reading yours.
Know this:
Happy relationships consist of two people who actually enjoy communicating with each other. One person cannot be--and should not attempt to be--solely responsible for the transmission and analysis of verbal and non-verbal expression.
Happy relationships consist of two people who are equally committed to the relationship. They do not consist of one person who will do whatever it takes to make the other person appreciate her, love her, respect her, desire her, and so on.
Either the guy is in, or he's out.
The guy who's in will let you know he's in. The guy who's out will run hot and cold, and he'll disappoint you whenever he gets a chance.
If the guy you're stuck on falls into the latter category, I'll say it again: Hit the highway.
-I wonder if he'll call
-I wonder if he likes me
-I wonder what he meant when he said
-I wonder why he says he doesn't want a relationship, but he keeps showing up where I hang out
-and so on?
If so, you may suffer from the infamous Woman's Mind-Reading Syndrome. It's possible you acquired this afflction from a steady diet of reading women's magazines (the ones with cover blurbs like HOW TO CRACK A MAN'S SECRET CODE and WHY HE CAN'T TALK ABOUT HIS FEELINGS--AND WHAT YOU CAN DO TO DECIPHER THEM!).
Or perhaps you acquired this affliction when someone told you that--since you're a woman--you're naturally more in touch with your feelings, his feelings, the whole world's feelings, and you must take tender care of everybody else's feelings, lest you hurt feelings, which would mean you're a crappy person.
Here's the bottom line on feelings. You treat a man as you would have him treat you. He treats you as he would have you treat him.
If he's not treating you as he would have you treat him (i.e., letting you wonder about his feelings instead of expressing them, saying he doesn't want a relationship before bouncing into bed with you, lying, not calling or showing up when he says he will), then it is time to hit the highway.
Stop wondering why he does the things he does. Stop reading his mind. God knows, he's not reading yours.
Know this:
Happy relationships consist of two people who actually enjoy communicating with each other. One person cannot be--and should not attempt to be--solely responsible for the transmission and analysis of verbal and non-verbal expression.
Happy relationships consist of two people who are equally committed to the relationship. They do not consist of one person who will do whatever it takes to make the other person appreciate her, love her, respect her, desire her, and so on.
Either the guy is in, or he's out.
The guy who's in will let you know he's in. The guy who's out will run hot and cold, and he'll disappoint you whenever he gets a chance.
If the guy you're stuck on falls into the latter category, I'll say it again: Hit the highway.
Monday, December 03, 2007
How Not to Use the Law of Attraction
I've made no secret that I met my husband of 15 years only after years of making every dating mistake in the book. I made a career of dating losers, schmoozers, No-Show Joes, and other human disappointments.
I attracted them. What's worse I was attracted to them.
I came to the sorry realization that all my failed relationships had one thing in common: Me.
About this time, I discovered the Law of Attraction through several excellent books. I bought and studied every LoA resource I could get my hands on.
My life changed.
I used LoA not only to meet a great guy but also to lose weight. Before I'd even found the LoA books, I'd read somewhere that research showed that basketball players who merely visualized themselves making shots did just as well as players who actually practiced.
I decided I would try a similar method to lose weight. At the time I had 20 pounds to lose, and so I'd say to myself as I dropped off to sleep:
"I am losing 20 pounds."
I said it over and over, picturing myself looking thin and fabulous in a little black dress.
I'd been dieting for years and years (since the age of 14, actually), and I'd never had much success. Once I started using the method I described, I actually lost 30 pounds, instead of 20.
However, there's a wrong way to use the Law of Attraction, and it's a trap even I still fall into. Occasionally, I'll dwell on the things I don't want:
-Messes in the house
-My husband's insistence on watching John Wayne movies
-Skyrocketing gas prices
-Skyrocketing electric rates (thank you, Governor Jodi Rell)
-Soulless Christmas commercials featuring intellectually-shortchanged individuals singing songs of worship to an automobile.
Over the weekend, I hit rock bottom. A friend and I got together to attend a tour of neighborhood houses that had been decorated for Christmas.
Each of them inspired awe in its own way. Unfortunately for me, a house built in 1786, which is currently owned by a married couple who have probably not even turned 30, inspired envy.
The cleverness with which this couple used vintage and homemade objects to decorate their historic, yet well-maintained house, brought tears to my eyes. And then there was a the kitchen! They'd managed to hold onto its pre-George Washington administration charm, while introducing chic amenities.
Leaving the house, I felt like a failure. While my house is certainly pleasant and comfortable, it couldn't compete with any of the dwellings on the tour. I got into a funk about it.
The next morning, it occurred to me: You're doing things backward again. You see something you like, and instead of saying to yourself, "That's something I'd like to achieve," you get down on yourself for not having it already.
Seeing those houses marked an opportunity for me to crystallize my thoughts about what I do want, instead of what I don't.
As for gas and electricity prices, well, aside from lowering my consumption, I don't have too much of a choice about them. Instead of grousing about the high costs of things, wouldn't it be more productive to use the Law of Attraction to expand my means?
What does any of this have to do with you?
Well, as far as meeting Mr. Right goes, it's pretty much the same thing. Chances are, you'll run into couples that you do and do not like as Christmas, Hannukah, and New Year's approach. Use these meetings to your advantage.
See the way your cousin and her husband treat each other. Is that the kind of relationship you're going for? If not, what don't you like about it?
-Do they bicker about who changed the baby last?
-Do they ever laugh?
Observe. Take mental notes. Based on your findings, write a list of what you do want in your next relationship, as opposed to what you don't.
When you know what you want, it's amazing how you attract it. What's more, you become attracted to it, too.
Once you attract the man of your dreams, you will probably need a wedding dress. You can use the Law of Attraction to find that, too. Click here for tips.
I attracted them. What's worse I was attracted to them.
I came to the sorry realization that all my failed relationships had one thing in common: Me.
About this time, I discovered the Law of Attraction through several excellent books. I bought and studied every LoA resource I could get my hands on.
My life changed.
I used LoA not only to meet a great guy but also to lose weight. Before I'd even found the LoA books, I'd read somewhere that research showed that basketball players who merely visualized themselves making shots did just as well as players who actually practiced.
I decided I would try a similar method to lose weight. At the time I had 20 pounds to lose, and so I'd say to myself as I dropped off to sleep:
"I am losing 20 pounds."
I said it over and over, picturing myself looking thin and fabulous in a little black dress.
I'd been dieting for years and years (since the age of 14, actually), and I'd never had much success. Once I started using the method I described, I actually lost 30 pounds, instead of 20.
However, there's a wrong way to use the Law of Attraction, and it's a trap even I still fall into. Occasionally, I'll dwell on the things I don't want:
-Messes in the house
-My husband's insistence on watching John Wayne movies
-Skyrocketing gas prices
-Skyrocketing electric rates (thank you, Governor Jodi Rell)
-Soulless Christmas commercials featuring intellectually-shortchanged individuals singing songs of worship to an automobile.
Over the weekend, I hit rock bottom. A friend and I got together to attend a tour of neighborhood houses that had been decorated for Christmas.
Each of them inspired awe in its own way. Unfortunately for me, a house built in 1786, which is currently owned by a married couple who have probably not even turned 30, inspired envy.
The cleverness with which this couple used vintage and homemade objects to decorate their historic, yet well-maintained house, brought tears to my eyes. And then there was a the kitchen! They'd managed to hold onto its pre-George Washington administration charm, while introducing chic amenities.
Leaving the house, I felt like a failure. While my house is certainly pleasant and comfortable, it couldn't compete with any of the dwellings on the tour. I got into a funk about it.
The next morning, it occurred to me: You're doing things backward again. You see something you like, and instead of saying to yourself, "That's something I'd like to achieve," you get down on yourself for not having it already.
Seeing those houses marked an opportunity for me to crystallize my thoughts about what I do want, instead of what I don't.
As for gas and electricity prices, well, aside from lowering my consumption, I don't have too much of a choice about them. Instead of grousing about the high costs of things, wouldn't it be more productive to use the Law of Attraction to expand my means?
What does any of this have to do with you?
Well, as far as meeting Mr. Right goes, it's pretty much the same thing. Chances are, you'll run into couples that you do and do not like as Christmas, Hannukah, and New Year's approach. Use these meetings to your advantage.
See the way your cousin and her husband treat each other. Is that the kind of relationship you're going for? If not, what don't you like about it?
-Do they bicker about who changed the baby last?
-Do they ever laugh?
Observe. Take mental notes. Based on your findings, write a list of what you do want in your next relationship, as opposed to what you don't.
When you know what you want, it's amazing how you attract it. What's more, you become attracted to it, too.
Once you attract the man of your dreams, you will probably need a wedding dress. You can use the Law of Attraction to find that, too. Click here for tips.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
I'm a NaNoWriMo Winner
It has nothing whatsoever to do with dating, but I'm so excited to tell you that I'm a winning participant in National Novel Writing Month. I started the first draft of a novel on November 1st. I finished it just a day and seven hours short of the deadline.
For several years, I've considered taking part in NaNoWriMo, but I put it off due to professional and personal reasons. But I did it this year!
I think I may have to open that bottle of Champagne that's been lingering in the fridge.
Attract Better Dates
If you want to meet someone special, you have to get out of the house. But you can go out every single night of the week and come home empty-- if your beliefs aren't in line with what you want to attract.
What qualities do you want in a significant other? Do you even know? More important, do you believe you’re worthy of attracting a person who has them? If you believe you are, you'll likely end up with a partner who thrills you. But, if you believe, deep down, that people who go out with you are doing you a favor, you'll draw people who are only too glad to prove you right.
The Law of Attraction states, “Like attracts like.” If you continually end up in disappointing romances, your beliefs are clearly not doing you any favors. The good news is that you can change them. When you change your beliefs, you change your destiny.
How do you get The Law of Attraction to do your bidding? Affirmation is a highly effective method. Instead of telling yourself, for instance, “Monogamous relationships don’t last,” write an affirmation like this:
“I am happily enjoying a lasting, passionate, monogamous relationship.”
The key is to write the affirmation in present tense. It’s not, “I will enjoy a….” Write, “I am enjoying,” instead. Make it positive. Don’t affirm, “I no longer date control freaks.” Summon The Law to your aid by announcing, “I am happily dating a gorgeous person who loves me, trusts me, and supports my dreams.”
The more you use your affirmation, the sooner it will seep into your subconscious. Once your subconscious mind accepts a belief, it’ll act on it.
Before you know it, you’ll find yourself attracting better, more suitable lovers. Soon enough, you will find yourself in a satisfying romance without the usual attendant drama. After it’s under way, continue using your affirmation. Use The Law of Attraction to avoid the pitfalls that can sabotage a relationship.
In the meantime, know what you want and affirm that you have it. Then get out of the house.
What qualities do you want in a significant other? Do you even know? More important, do you believe you’re worthy of attracting a person who has them? If you believe you are, you'll likely end up with a partner who thrills you. But, if you believe, deep down, that people who go out with you are doing you a favor, you'll draw people who are only too glad to prove you right.
The Law of Attraction states, “Like attracts like.” If you continually end up in disappointing romances, your beliefs are clearly not doing you any favors. The good news is that you can change them. When you change your beliefs, you change your destiny.
How do you get The Law of Attraction to do your bidding? Affirmation is a highly effective method. Instead of telling yourself, for instance, “Monogamous relationships don’t last,” write an affirmation like this:
“I am happily enjoying a lasting, passionate, monogamous relationship.”
The key is to write the affirmation in present tense. It’s not, “I will enjoy a….” Write, “I am enjoying,” instead. Make it positive. Don’t affirm, “I no longer date control freaks.” Summon The Law to your aid by announcing, “I am happily dating a gorgeous person who loves me, trusts me, and supports my dreams.”
The more you use your affirmation, the sooner it will seep into your subconscious. Once your subconscious mind accepts a belief, it’ll act on it.
Before you know it, you’ll find yourself attracting better, more suitable lovers. Soon enough, you will find yourself in a satisfying romance without the usual attendant drama. After it’s under way, continue using your affirmation. Use The Law of Attraction to avoid the pitfalls that can sabotage a relationship.
In the meantime, know what you want and affirm that you have it. Then get out of the house.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Beauty in Imperfection
Last week, I got a letter from a woman who walks with a limp and feared it would deter her efforts to find love. Here's the link to my response.
Interestingly, Jeff Mac from Manslations fielded a letter from another woman who considers herself imperfect. She wanted his opinion on whether she'd ever be able attract and keep a man.
It's great to get a guy's perspective on these things, and I think you'll enjoy his response (the guy's smart, but he's funny, too). To read it, click here.
Interestingly, Jeff Mac from Manslations fielded a letter from another woman who considers herself imperfect. She wanted his opinion on whether she'd ever be able attract and keep a man.
It's great to get a guy's perspective on these things, and I think you'll enjoy his response (the guy's smart, but he's funny, too). To read it, click here.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Stuck in a Bad Marriage, Stuck in a Bad Affair
Hello Terry,
I bought your book online, strangely finding myself in a real mess (there are two stories here -- two different relationships entwined together).
I have been married for 10 years and am recently separated from my husband - my relationship with him has been rocky over the years. He has always been unsure of his feelings for me - always wishy washy - he had a few extramarital relationships, and it made me feel lousy, my self esteem was low, and I began to resent him.
In the last year, after his second relationship (about a year and a half ago) , and after being very hurt, I found myself wanting a relationship on the side: Someone who would just keep me occupied, was probably unhappy like me, and someone who would shower me with attention and help me to just focus on something other than my bad relationship at home. In other words, I was looking for someone to fill the void.
Two months ago, my husband still in his state of being unhappy with me and confused, found himself attracted to another woman. Someone he says he feels connected with -- then again it seems to be happening a lot -- three women in the past eight years! I asked him to leave the house. I just didn't want to deal with it any longer.
He moved out -- still unsure of what he wants. He does not want to get on with the divorce. He just wants to wait and see and what happens. I believe I must have felt disconnected with him over the past year too, since I started seeing this guy at work, but I felt he pushed me into it. I don't know anymore.
The other story:
I met this guy at work. Much older, we were attracted to each other. He is married (I know, I know. I can hear you sigh). We have been seeing each other for a year now (during my state of unhappiness).
He says he can't leave his wife. He tried leaving her years ago for someone else, but his wife won't accept it, and he stayed with her, living with the unhappiness of being physically disconnected to her.
Since my husband left home, I feel more lonely and have felt the need to stop my relationship with this guy, as I know it is not going anywhere (of course, sometimes I kid myself that some miracle could bring us together!).
I have initiated leaving him, and he says that he does not want to obstruct me finding happiness, and that I should move on, but I find it hard to let him go. I find myself calling him as I miss him terrribly. I have even toyed wiith the idea of speaking to his wife. I know it's bad. I know I am horrible. I so desperately want to get out of these emotions and turmoil.
-Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Hello, Stuck-
First off, you must cut yourself some slack. You've been in a painful marriage for 10 years and endured your husband's numerous infidelities. You say he's never been sure of his feelings for you, and it just doesn't seem fair to be stuck in a marriage with someone who is supposed to love you but makes you feel insecure, bad about yourself, and resentful.
So you had an affair with a married man. Yes, I did sigh when I read that, but when people are in pain, sometimes they do counterproductive things. You know you made a mistake by getting involved with this guy, and you know you should let him go.
Which is easier said than done.
Because, if you do move on, you'll be right back in the hole where you're receiving no love or affection from anybody, which isn't an attractive prospect. As things stand now, you know the relationship with the married guy is going nowhere, but at least you're getting a little affection.
However hard it may seem right now, I do advise you to move on. The fact that your husband is not living with you gives you a real opportunity to spend time with someone who does love you (ahem, I'm talking about you) and decide what you want out of a relationship, what will make you happy, and exactly what you want out of life.
Make a commitment to never call the married man again. Eventually, you will feel better about your prospects. Even better, you'll feel better about yourself. If you can, get a job somewhere else. Pining for the guy at the office every day will only make you miserable. Why prolong the agony?
Whatever you do, don't speak to the guy's wife. You've been cheated on, so put yourself in her place. You probably wouldn't appreciate getting a call from one of the women your husband's seen over the years. And you know, deep down, doing such a thing will not result in a happy ending for anybody.
Okay.
Your husband has not made you happy, and it's possible he never will. I do think it's pretty cheeky of him to "be unsure of what he wants" and to avoid a divorce after he's left home to be with another woman. You might want to consult a lawyer or a licensed therapist to help you explore your options.
At the end of all this, understand that nobody, least of all you, deserves a wishy-washy, cheating husband. You made a mistake by getting involved with a married man. Wash your face and forgive yourself.
I'll say it again: Please decide what you want in a future relationship. Be specific. Determine what you want to feel, for example. You feel insecure, unloved, sad, and a million other negative emotions right now, so I'll assume you want to feel secure, loved, joyful and a million positive emotions from now on.
Write this down:
"I'm so happy and grateful I'm in a secure, joyful relationship with a man I love who loves me back and never lets me forget it."
That's what you're going for, right?
What would that feel like? Look like? Sound like? Taste like?
For example, what would it be like to come home to such a person? Go to dinner with him? Have him surprise you by meeting you for lunch in the office?
Keep the past in the past, and get past the present by focusing on the future as if it were the present.
Does this make sense? I hope so. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
Terry
I bought your book online, strangely finding myself in a real mess (there are two stories here -- two different relationships entwined together).
I have been married for 10 years and am recently separated from my husband - my relationship with him has been rocky over the years. He has always been unsure of his feelings for me - always wishy washy - he had a few extramarital relationships, and it made me feel lousy, my self esteem was low, and I began to resent him.
In the last year, after his second relationship (about a year and a half ago) , and after being very hurt, I found myself wanting a relationship on the side: Someone who would just keep me occupied, was probably unhappy like me, and someone who would shower me with attention and help me to just focus on something other than my bad relationship at home. In other words, I was looking for someone to fill the void.
Two months ago, my husband still in his state of being unhappy with me and confused, found himself attracted to another woman. Someone he says he feels connected with -- then again it seems to be happening a lot -- three women in the past eight years! I asked him to leave the house. I just didn't want to deal with it any longer.
He moved out -- still unsure of what he wants. He does not want to get on with the divorce. He just wants to wait and see and what happens. I believe I must have felt disconnected with him over the past year too, since I started seeing this guy at work, but I felt he pushed me into it. I don't know anymore.
The other story:
I met this guy at work. Much older, we were attracted to each other. He is married (I know, I know. I can hear you sigh). We have been seeing each other for a year now (during my state of unhappiness).
He says he can't leave his wife. He tried leaving her years ago for someone else, but his wife won't accept it, and he stayed with her, living with the unhappiness of being physically disconnected to her.
Since my husband left home, I feel more lonely and have felt the need to stop my relationship with this guy, as I know it is not going anywhere (of course, sometimes I kid myself that some miracle could bring us together!).
I have initiated leaving him, and he says that he does not want to obstruct me finding happiness, and that I should move on, but I find it hard to let him go. I find myself calling him as I miss him terrribly. I have even toyed wiith the idea of speaking to his wife. I know it's bad. I know I am horrible. I so desperately want to get out of these emotions and turmoil.
-Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Hello, Stuck-
First off, you must cut yourself some slack. You've been in a painful marriage for 10 years and endured your husband's numerous infidelities. You say he's never been sure of his feelings for you, and it just doesn't seem fair to be stuck in a marriage with someone who is supposed to love you but makes you feel insecure, bad about yourself, and resentful.
So you had an affair with a married man. Yes, I did sigh when I read that, but when people are in pain, sometimes they do counterproductive things. You know you made a mistake by getting involved with this guy, and you know you should let him go.
Which is easier said than done.
Because, if you do move on, you'll be right back in the hole where you're receiving no love or affection from anybody, which isn't an attractive prospect. As things stand now, you know the relationship with the married guy is going nowhere, but at least you're getting a little affection.
However hard it may seem right now, I do advise you to move on. The fact that your husband is not living with you gives you a real opportunity to spend time with someone who does love you (ahem, I'm talking about you) and decide what you want out of a relationship, what will make you happy, and exactly what you want out of life.
Make a commitment to never call the married man again. Eventually, you will feel better about your prospects. Even better, you'll feel better about yourself. If you can, get a job somewhere else. Pining for the guy at the office every day will only make you miserable. Why prolong the agony?
Whatever you do, don't speak to the guy's wife. You've been cheated on, so put yourself in her place. You probably wouldn't appreciate getting a call from one of the women your husband's seen over the years. And you know, deep down, doing such a thing will not result in a happy ending for anybody.
Okay.
Your husband has not made you happy, and it's possible he never will. I do think it's pretty cheeky of him to "be unsure of what he wants" and to avoid a divorce after he's left home to be with another woman. You might want to consult a lawyer or a licensed therapist to help you explore your options.
At the end of all this, understand that nobody, least of all you, deserves a wishy-washy, cheating husband. You made a mistake by getting involved with a married man. Wash your face and forgive yourself.
I'll say it again: Please decide what you want in a future relationship. Be specific. Determine what you want to feel, for example. You feel insecure, unloved, sad, and a million other negative emotions right now, so I'll assume you want to feel secure, loved, joyful and a million positive emotions from now on.
Write this down:
"I'm so happy and grateful I'm in a secure, joyful relationship with a man I love who loves me back and never lets me forget it."
That's what you're going for, right?
What would that feel like? Look like? Sound like? Taste like?
For example, what would it be like to come home to such a person? Go to dinner with him? Have him surprise you by meeting you for lunch in the office?
Keep the past in the past, and get past the present by focusing on the future as if it were the present.
Does this make sense? I hope so. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
Terry
Monday, November 26, 2007
The Scariest Man in America?
Drew Peterson has been married too many times and is suspected of murdering his third and fourth wives. This morning's Today featured an interview with another woman who nearly married the former cop 26 years ago. She explains what prompted her to break off the relationship here.
According to a previous report, the latest wife, Stacy, initially found the suspect attractive because he bought her a car and other expensive gifts. I don't know whether or not Drew Peterson is responsible for his wife's disappearance, but it's been my experience that men who shell out for big-ticket items early in a relationship are not good bets.
Also not good bets:
- Guys who attempt to cut off a woman from her friends and family
- Guys who threaten other males who make the mistake of talking to "their" woman.
These men may seem charming and protective at first, but they often turn out to be needy, insecure, and scarily controlling. If you end up with one, it's possible he won't kill you, but he will definitely make you miserable.
Beware.
According to a previous report, the latest wife, Stacy, initially found the suspect attractive because he bought her a car and other expensive gifts. I don't know whether or not Drew Peterson is responsible for his wife's disappearance, but it's been my experience that men who shell out for big-ticket items early in a relationship are not good bets.
Also not good bets:
- Guys who attempt to cut off a woman from her friends and family
- Guys who threaten other males who make the mistake of talking to "their" woman.
These men may seem charming and protective at first, but they often turn out to be needy, insecure, and scarily controlling. If you end up with one, it's possible he won't kill you, but he will definitely make you miserable.
Beware.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Still Single for the Holidays? Lucky You!
During my single years, I disliked the holiday season. It required me to suffer relatives demanding to know when the hell I'd finally meet someone and get married.
If you're in a similar position, the following article may help. Have a fabulous Thanksgiving!
Oh, no! Christmas, Hanukah, and New Year’s Eve are coming, and you’re still not dating anybody.
The specter of enduring gatherings with relatives who harass you because you’ve failed to hook up trounces your hopes for peace and goodwill. You’ll be explaining your sorry self from the first sip of eggnog to your last bite of mincemeat pie.
Afterwards, you’ll tuck into bed feeling like a colossal loser, remembering how Cousin Patty flashed her newly installed engagement ring (roughly the size of an aircraft carrier) all through dinner. And then, as you console yourself that this was just one night out of your life, that surely you can rise above the pitying looks and comments, it dawns on you that you’ll be subjected to them again on New Year’s Eve!
You find yourself with two choices: (A) Attend a party teeming with self-satisfied couples, hoping to God that some gorgeous single specimen of the opposite sex will infiltrate and rescue you from your glass of warm champagne. (B) Accept Mom and Dad’s offer to watch the ball drop on their new big-screen TV and endure entreaties to ‘hurry up and get married already’ between appearances by B-list celebrities.
So, what will you do?
The temptation to call it quits this year, stay home, and slump through re-runs of Sex and the City with a bottle of wine is staggering. Don’t do it. This holiday season can be your best yet if you approach it with the right mindset. Here are five tips to help facilitate a new perspective:
Know the truth: Those self-satisfied married people aren’t so satisfied. Hey, most of them are downright miserable. Don’t believe me? Look around. Go into any family restaurant on a Friday evening, and check out all the couples that don’t make eye contact. Observe the husbands and wives who speak to the children but not to each other. Go to the mall on a Sunday afternoon and watch the Christmas shoppers. A far cry from what you see in the diamond ads, eh? Be happy that you are not stuck in a dull marriage! Decide that if and when you marry, you’ll do it for the right reasons, not because you hit a certain age, your parents were nagging you, you want children, or you want to make your friends feel bad because you bought or received a bigger diamond than they did.
Come up with a snappy answer. When some moron eyes you over the Christmas turkey and asks, “Aren’t you ever going to get married?” Just respond, “Why do you ask?” If the inquisitor persists, smile enigmatically and say, “I’m too young to get married.” Say this even if you’re fifty. If your mother starts piling on the guilt about giving her grandchildren, tell her you hate kids. Suggest that she sponsor an unfortunate child for twenty dollars a month through a worthy charitable organization. Never allow yourself to be drawn into conversations about what it is you do to repel the opposite sex.
Walk into every party like a winner. Sit down at every dinner table as if you’re the guest of honor. Be quietly confident. Smile. Walk tall. Sit up straight. Feel good about yourself. Adorn yourself in clothes that flatter you (women, the poncho may be the rage, but if it makes you look like a sack of onions, put it down; men, avoid wearing baseball caps at all costs). Do not walk into a party hoping that someone will notice you. Walk into a party expecting to be noticed.
Be proactive. Instead of waiting around for invitations, host a party of your very own. Give the event a sheen by preparing a trendy drink. Make an investment and pour it into appropriate glasses. For an elegant effect, start the night by playing Mozart or jazz renditions of holiday classics. Keep the party lively later on by spinning Moby or the latest U2. Be the star you are and dress up. (If you want something more casual, Super Bowl parties are a blast, even for those of us who don’t understand football.) Invite singles and couples from work, church, wherever. The more the merrier, so tell guests to bring a friend. Be sure to ask a married couple or two to prevent the vibe of a singles’ mixer, but avoid inviting couples that stand around talking about their children all night.
Understand that being single is a good thing. Look, you’re not tied down to anybody. Your life is full of possibilities. Every day is an adventure. You can travel as you like, buy clothes as you like, date as you like. Married people can’t. Decide not to give up your freedom until someone truly worthy comes along. This is powerful. When you sit around waiting for the right person to show up, nobody will. But once you decide to enjoy your life, often somebody wonderful and worthy will appear—and sooner than you expect.
If you're in a similar position, the following article may help. Have a fabulous Thanksgiving!
Oh, no! Christmas, Hanukah, and New Year’s Eve are coming, and you’re still not dating anybody.
The specter of enduring gatherings with relatives who harass you because you’ve failed to hook up trounces your hopes for peace and goodwill. You’ll be explaining your sorry self from the first sip of eggnog to your last bite of mincemeat pie.
Afterwards, you’ll tuck into bed feeling like a colossal loser, remembering how Cousin Patty flashed her newly installed engagement ring (roughly the size of an aircraft carrier) all through dinner. And then, as you console yourself that this was just one night out of your life, that surely you can rise above the pitying looks and comments, it dawns on you that you’ll be subjected to them again on New Year’s Eve!
You find yourself with two choices: (A) Attend a party teeming with self-satisfied couples, hoping to God that some gorgeous single specimen of the opposite sex will infiltrate and rescue you from your glass of warm champagne. (B) Accept Mom and Dad’s offer to watch the ball drop on their new big-screen TV and endure entreaties to ‘hurry up and get married already’ between appearances by B-list celebrities.
So, what will you do?
The temptation to call it quits this year, stay home, and slump through re-runs of Sex and the City with a bottle of wine is staggering. Don’t do it. This holiday season can be your best yet if you approach it with the right mindset. Here are five tips to help facilitate a new perspective:
Know the truth: Those self-satisfied married people aren’t so satisfied. Hey, most of them are downright miserable. Don’t believe me? Look around. Go into any family restaurant on a Friday evening, and check out all the couples that don’t make eye contact. Observe the husbands and wives who speak to the children but not to each other. Go to the mall on a Sunday afternoon and watch the Christmas shoppers. A far cry from what you see in the diamond ads, eh? Be happy that you are not stuck in a dull marriage! Decide that if and when you marry, you’ll do it for the right reasons, not because you hit a certain age, your parents were nagging you, you want children, or you want to make your friends feel bad because you bought or received a bigger diamond than they did.
Come up with a snappy answer. When some moron eyes you over the Christmas turkey and asks, “Aren’t you ever going to get married?” Just respond, “Why do you ask?” If the inquisitor persists, smile enigmatically and say, “I’m too young to get married.” Say this even if you’re fifty. If your mother starts piling on the guilt about giving her grandchildren, tell her you hate kids. Suggest that she sponsor an unfortunate child for twenty dollars a month through a worthy charitable organization. Never allow yourself to be drawn into conversations about what it is you do to repel the opposite sex.
Walk into every party like a winner. Sit down at every dinner table as if you’re the guest of honor. Be quietly confident. Smile. Walk tall. Sit up straight. Feel good about yourself. Adorn yourself in clothes that flatter you (women, the poncho may be the rage, but if it makes you look like a sack of onions, put it down; men, avoid wearing baseball caps at all costs). Do not walk into a party hoping that someone will notice you. Walk into a party expecting to be noticed.
Be proactive. Instead of waiting around for invitations, host a party of your very own. Give the event a sheen by preparing a trendy drink. Make an investment and pour it into appropriate glasses. For an elegant effect, start the night by playing Mozart or jazz renditions of holiday classics. Keep the party lively later on by spinning Moby or the latest U2. Be the star you are and dress up. (If you want something more casual, Super Bowl parties are a blast, even for those of us who don’t understand football.) Invite singles and couples from work, church, wherever. The more the merrier, so tell guests to bring a friend. Be sure to ask a married couple or two to prevent the vibe of a singles’ mixer, but avoid inviting couples that stand around talking about their children all night.
Understand that being single is a good thing. Look, you’re not tied down to anybody. Your life is full of possibilities. Every day is an adventure. You can travel as you like, buy clothes as you like, date as you like. Married people can’t. Decide not to give up your freedom until someone truly worthy comes along. This is powerful. When you sit around waiting for the right person to show up, nobody will. But once you decide to enjoy your life, often somebody wonderful and worthy will appear—and sooner than you expect.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Attraction Tips for the Physically Imperfect (Which Would Be All of Us)
Hello Terry,
I adore you! I have forwarded so many of your emails to some of my friends that they finally gave up and subscribed.
When I read your last email, I reaffirmed myself. Your quote from Rita Rudner was priceless but it reminded me of what I KNOW to be true. Men do have particular scents that appeal to them. In my past, when I would go out, I would wear men's fragrances. Some are more female friendly than others, but they would attract.
My present obstacle is I have a handicap, I walk with a limp. I am now realizing that I have spent far too many years making myself invisible. I am a really great person, but unfortunately I have far too many "brothers" for my taste now. Do you have any suggestions on overcoming myself and believing I can have a relationship?
Keep up the excellent work you do!
-Ready for Mr. Wonderful
Dear Ready:
Thank you so much for writing and for your very kind words.
It's really, really easy to believe that you're undesirable when you're short, or you feel fat, or your eyes cross when you take off your glasses, or you walk with a limp.
However, it's just not true. The fact is, many guys are less interested in so-called physical perfection than in having a passionate relationship with a woman who "gets" them.
The hard part is not convincing men that you're that woman. The hard part is convincing you you're that woman.
Self-confidence, healthy self-love, and self-respect are absolutely critical to attracting and keeping a good man. Beauty, a 27-inch waist, and perfectly functioning legs are not.
Once you develop the qualities you need, you will radiate them. Men will notice.
Here's how:
Use an affirmation. Please do not discount the effectiveness of affirmations. They work. Here's one I've found to be particularly effective:
"I deeply and completely love and accept myself."
Say it out loud when you're in the shower, cooking dinner, exercising, whatever. Say it at least 25 times a day. It may sound scary and weird, but if you're like most people you probably spend a lot of time putting yourself down. Why is that okay?
You Can Heal Your Life author, Louise Hay
, recommends you go one further and look yourself in the mirror and say:
"I love and accept you exactly as you are."
(That should bring up some interesting stuff.)
In addition to using affirmations, use visualization to picture yourself in a fun, satisfying, happy, serious relationship. Bring in all your senses. For example, what would it feel like? Bring those emotions up and make them real. This may sound like hocus-pocus, but it works. Do it twice a day, preferably before you put your feet on the floor in the morning and before you drop off to sleep at night.
It takes discipline, but it pays off.
Then remind yourself what you have to offer a man. Write a list of your best qualities and stick it on your mirror.
In the meantime, be your own gorgeous boyfriend. Ask yourself: How would I like to be treated by the man of my dreams? Then treat yourself that way. Do the things you'd do with him. Go the places you'd go together.
After a while, men will pick up on your specialness, and they will act on it.
With regard to your "brothers," if you ever feel taken for granted, make yourself less available. Start saying, "I'm sorry, but I've already made plans." Make new friends (check previous posts here for tips), or just spend beautiful, quality time with yourself doing the things you love to do, reading the books you love to read, seeing the movies you want to see, and eating the food you love to eat.
Treat yourself as a treasure that's yet to be discovered, and you will be discovered.
Terry
I adore you! I have forwarded so many of your emails to some of my friends that they finally gave up and subscribed.
When I read your last email, I reaffirmed myself. Your quote from Rita Rudner was priceless but it reminded me of what I KNOW to be true. Men do have particular scents that appeal to them. In my past, when I would go out, I would wear men's fragrances. Some are more female friendly than others, but they would attract.
My present obstacle is I have a handicap, I walk with a limp. I am now realizing that I have spent far too many years making myself invisible. I am a really great person, but unfortunately I have far too many "brothers" for my taste now. Do you have any suggestions on overcoming myself and believing I can have a relationship?
Keep up the excellent work you do!
-Ready for Mr. Wonderful
Dear Ready:
Thank you so much for writing and for your very kind words.
It's really, really easy to believe that you're undesirable when you're short, or you feel fat, or your eyes cross when you take off your glasses, or you walk with a limp.
However, it's just not true. The fact is, many guys are less interested in so-called physical perfection than in having a passionate relationship with a woman who "gets" them.
The hard part is not convincing men that you're that woman. The hard part is convincing you you're that woman.
Self-confidence, healthy self-love, and self-respect are absolutely critical to attracting and keeping a good man. Beauty, a 27-inch waist, and perfectly functioning legs are not.
Once you develop the qualities you need, you will radiate them. Men will notice.
Here's how:
Use an affirmation. Please do not discount the effectiveness of affirmations. They work. Here's one I've found to be particularly effective:
"I deeply and completely love and accept myself."
Say it out loud when you're in the shower, cooking dinner, exercising, whatever. Say it at least 25 times a day. It may sound scary and weird, but if you're like most people you probably spend a lot of time putting yourself down. Why is that okay?
You Can Heal Your Life author, Louise Hay
, recommends you go one further and look yourself in the mirror and say:"I love and accept you exactly as you are."
(That should bring up some interesting stuff.)
In addition to using affirmations, use visualization to picture yourself in a fun, satisfying, happy, serious relationship. Bring in all your senses. For example, what would it feel like? Bring those emotions up and make them real. This may sound like hocus-pocus, but it works. Do it twice a day, preferably before you put your feet on the floor in the morning and before you drop off to sleep at night.
It takes discipline, but it pays off.
Then remind yourself what you have to offer a man. Write a list of your best qualities and stick it on your mirror.
In the meantime, be your own gorgeous boyfriend. Ask yourself: How would I like to be treated by the man of my dreams? Then treat yourself that way. Do the things you'd do with him. Go the places you'd go together.
After a while, men will pick up on your specialness, and they will act on it.
With regard to your "brothers," if you ever feel taken for granted, make yourself less available. Start saying, "I'm sorry, but I've already made plans." Make new friends (check previous posts here for tips), or just spend beautiful, quality time with yourself doing the things you love to do, reading the books you love to read, seeing the movies you want to see, and eating the food you love to eat.
Treat yourself as a treasure that's yet to be discovered, and you will be discovered.
Terry
Avoid Groveling If You Want to Attract Healthy Men
How do I love Radar magazine? Let me count the ways.
The current print issue contains not only an eye-opening account of plastic surgery gone wild in Hollywood, but also a list of the expressions geishas use to attract English-speaking men.
Here they are:
1. Will you forgive me?
2. It's my fault.
3. Soooo sooorry!
4. I want to stay with you tonight.
5. I just want to be with you.
6. I want to know more about you.
7. Am I someone special to you?
8. Don't ever let me go.
9. You're not going yet, are you?
10. Missing you already.
11. I'm not a slut.
Radar came across this bit of intelligence in the September issue of Pinky, a magazine for Japanese women.
While some of these expressions might be appropriate in an established relationship (like, if you accidentally burned the guy's house down), it's been my experience that saying some of the others will only manage to attract English-speaking men of the most insecure, controlling, and undesirable variety.
Check out Radar's online edition here.
Monday, November 19, 2007
She's Getting the Attention She Deserves
Last month, I received a letter from a reader of my free newsletter who was stuck on a man who didn't give her the love she deserved (click here to read it).
Here's her happy update:
Hi, Terry:
Just keep reading the newsletters and things are definitely getting better. I don't call guys, yet I've never had so many men interested.
Recently a good male friend has started asking me out on "dates." Last night we went to the cinema. He says I'm a strange woman in that I have really improved with age (ahem, I'm barely 40), and he really thinks I'm amazing lately. So some of your tips I'm trying are noticeable to someone who knew me for over 20 years.
This man has now asked me to his Christmas Dinner Dance. I also have various other men asking me out for dinner, texting and emailing. My "friend" says he's beginning to be a bit uncomfortable with all the male attention I'm getting. (So I'm definitely moving out of the friend category, although he never minded before in our long platonic friendship).
I don't know if I want to date this guy seriously, yet. But dating other guys is making it easier to see what I'm looking for in a man. Multiple dating also stops you calling or texting one guy and looking needy.
The crux of this is: that my Platonic Friend who has played the field and been emotionally unavailable to many beautiful women who couldn't really catch him, well he is now really noticing me as a woman and trying to catch me. Your advice and tips have a lot to do with this.
Also, another very nice divorced guy was asking me out, when I discovered he played golf EVERY Saturday (and then some). I asked some questions and found out it was not just because he was single, but had always and would always, I blew him out. (No wonder he's divorced). Working 40 hours leaves little enough leisure time to work at a relationship, if someone is missing inflexibly every single Saturday, they are more than likely not going to give 100%, or make you a priority. With "hitting a few balls" two or three times a week, weekends away with the boys, and Sunday competitions, an EXTREME or obsessed golfer is just too selfish and will not give himself enough for a happy relationship.
It is just such a time consuming sport, and here in Ireland a lot of time is spent in the 19th hole afterwards. Why bother with a man married to his golf? I tried being a golf widow and it is no fun. Now I have some non negotiables regarding the men I date and life is getting better :))
It's a work in progress, Terry.
Thanks again.
No Longer Dating An Indifferent Man
Hi, No Longer-
Your news thrills me to no end. Thanks for the nice words, but you really have nobody to thank but yourself! You're the one who's making the difference.
I love the way you put things. The "19th hole?" You crack me up.
Terry
Here's her happy update:
Hi, Terry:
Just keep reading the newsletters and things are definitely getting better. I don't call guys, yet I've never had so many men interested.
Recently a good male friend has started asking me out on "dates." Last night we went to the cinema. He says I'm a strange woman in that I have really improved with age (ahem, I'm barely 40), and he really thinks I'm amazing lately. So some of your tips I'm trying are noticeable to someone who knew me for over 20 years.
This man has now asked me to his Christmas Dinner Dance. I also have various other men asking me out for dinner, texting and emailing. My "friend" says he's beginning to be a bit uncomfortable with all the male attention I'm getting. (So I'm definitely moving out of the friend category, although he never minded before in our long platonic friendship).
I don't know if I want to date this guy seriously, yet. But dating other guys is making it easier to see what I'm looking for in a man. Multiple dating also stops you calling or texting one guy and looking needy.
The crux of this is: that my Platonic Friend who has played the field and been emotionally unavailable to many beautiful women who couldn't really catch him, well he is now really noticing me as a woman and trying to catch me. Your advice and tips have a lot to do with this.
Also, another very nice divorced guy was asking me out, when I discovered he played golf EVERY Saturday (and then some). I asked some questions and found out it was not just because he was single, but had always and would always, I blew him out. (No wonder he's divorced). Working 40 hours leaves little enough leisure time to work at a relationship, if someone is missing inflexibly every single Saturday, they are more than likely not going to give 100%, or make you a priority. With "hitting a few balls" two or three times a week, weekends away with the boys, and Sunday competitions, an EXTREME or obsessed golfer is just too selfish and will not give himself enough for a happy relationship.
It is just such a time consuming sport, and here in Ireland a lot of time is spent in the 19th hole afterwards. Why bother with a man married to his golf? I tried being a golf widow and it is no fun. Now I have some non negotiables regarding the men I date and life is getting better :))
It's a work in progress, Terry.
Thanks again.
No Longer Dating An Indifferent Man
Hi, No Longer-
Your news thrills me to no end. Thanks for the nice words, but you really have nobody to thank but yourself! You're the one who's making the difference.
I love the way you put things. The "19th hole?" You crack me up.
Terry
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Finding Love When You're the Life of the Party
Hi, T-
I saw your comments about Paul McCartney and his new girlfriend and it's funny - I thought exactly the same thing on the age appropriate thing! There is still a major double standard on these things.
By the way, I don't often get to read the emails you send me since I am always on the road and travelling, and it's hard to find the time to read emails sometimes. But when I do I find it interesting, although much of it doesn't seem to apply to me it seems more geared to people who are shy. That is not really an issue I have. My issue is more that I am extremely outgoing, and I think because I am usually the social organizer for my group of friends, people don't think of me as a serious option to date. They think I am self-sufficient and not really looking! Plus, when I meet someone that I am in the least bit interested in, I tend to treat them worse and ignore them more than I would a casual acquaintance.....
Anyway, just thought I would share that with you.
M
P.S. Some of it turns me off a bit too when you have a topic like can you "make" a man fall in love with you. Although mostly you seem level headed. I am not a fan of any manipulative behaviour - but maybe that explains why I am still single because I don't play games!
Hello, M-
Thanks for writing and for your nice words.
About my post on making a man fall in love with you, you're very busy so you probably didn't read the whole thing, but I agree with you: It's manipulative and bound to backfire. I do believe you can "make" a man fall in love with you, but I don't recommend it.
I'm definitely not a fan of manipulative behavior.
I do, however, detail a technique for attracting the right man in that post. If you have time, please read it and see what you think.
You mention that you're the social organizer of your group. I wonder if you hang out with the same people all the time, or if you join different groups. If the group you're hanging around with tends to be static (no new people moving in), then by all means, expand your circle. Join new groups and make new friends.
If you're interested in meeting someone special, there's nothing wrong with saying so. Do it casually. Some people make the mistake of saying they're "dying to meet somebody" or they "need a man," but somehow I don't think someone who describes herself as you do would do that.
You might say to your friends, "You know, I'm at a point in my life where I wouldn't mind meeting someone." Keep it light.
You raised a red flag, however:
You mentioned that you tend to treat a guy you do like worse than you would a casual acquaintance. Think carefully about this.
Why do you do it?
Are you afraid of something?
Of what?
Write down your answers. Really look at them. Ask yourself what's the worst that could happen if the guy did or did not return your interest.
Can you deal with it? Why or why not?
Then ask yourself what's the best that could happen.
Can you deal with it? Why or why not?
If you face the things that hold you back, you can overcome them. You can start treating men you're interested in appropriately, which includes smiling, making eye contact, and making yourself available but not too available.
I'm licensed only to drive, but the fact that you treat people you like with indifference suggests that you may be, despite your outgoing appearance, afraid to get close to somebody.
I may be dead wrong, but think about it.
Terry
I saw your comments about Paul McCartney and his new girlfriend and it's funny - I thought exactly the same thing on the age appropriate thing! There is still a major double standard on these things.
By the way, I don't often get to read the emails you send me since I am always on the road and travelling, and it's hard to find the time to read emails sometimes. But when I do I find it interesting, although much of it doesn't seem to apply to me it seems more geared to people who are shy. That is not really an issue I have. My issue is more that I am extremely outgoing, and I think because I am usually the social organizer for my group of friends, people don't think of me as a serious option to date. They think I am self-sufficient and not really looking! Plus, when I meet someone that I am in the least bit interested in, I tend to treat them worse and ignore them more than I would a casual acquaintance.....
Anyway, just thought I would share that with you.
M
P.S. Some of it turns me off a bit too when you have a topic like can you "make" a man fall in love with you. Although mostly you seem level headed. I am not a fan of any manipulative behaviour - but maybe that explains why I am still single because I don't play games!
Hello, M-
Thanks for writing and for your nice words.
About my post on making a man fall in love with you, you're very busy so you probably didn't read the whole thing, but I agree with you: It's manipulative and bound to backfire. I do believe you can "make" a man fall in love with you, but I don't recommend it.
I'm definitely not a fan of manipulative behavior.
I do, however, detail a technique for attracting the right man in that post. If you have time, please read it and see what you think.
You mention that you're the social organizer of your group. I wonder if you hang out with the same people all the time, or if you join different groups. If the group you're hanging around with tends to be static (no new people moving in), then by all means, expand your circle. Join new groups and make new friends.
If you're interested in meeting someone special, there's nothing wrong with saying so. Do it casually. Some people make the mistake of saying they're "dying to meet somebody" or they "need a man," but somehow I don't think someone who describes herself as you do would do that.
You might say to your friends, "You know, I'm at a point in my life where I wouldn't mind meeting someone." Keep it light.
You raised a red flag, however:
You mentioned that you tend to treat a guy you do like worse than you would a casual acquaintance. Think carefully about this.
Why do you do it?
Are you afraid of something?
Of what?
Write down your answers. Really look at them. Ask yourself what's the worst that could happen if the guy did or did not return your interest.
Can you deal with it? Why or why not?
Then ask yourself what's the best that could happen.
Can you deal with it? Why or why not?
If you face the things that hold you back, you can overcome them. You can start treating men you're interested in appropriately, which includes smiling, making eye contact, and making yourself available but not too available.
I'm licensed only to drive, but the fact that you treat people you like with indifference suggests that you may be, despite your outgoing appearance, afraid to get close to somebody.
I may be dead wrong, but think about it.
Terry
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