The World Is Full of Wonderful Men. I Swear.

She sounds like one of those women who hates other women, but she does make a provocative point about how to treat a man.

If you have an opinion, I'd love to hear it.

What's the Point of Getting Married If You're Going to Drop Dead of a Heart Attack?

I have not stepped foot in a McDonald's in years. The food is crap. It's fattening, artery-clogging, and downright bad for my health. Now the fast food giant is enticing future fat asses of America to eat its garbage by offering Happy Meal versions of the #1 gas guzzler.

Register your protest here:

Why Are Women So Eager to Hate Themselves?

That's the question my husband asked me once. (He also asked, "Why do women have such low expectations of men?" but that's a subject for another post).

Yesterday's New York Times Book Review featured a piece on Nora Ephron's new book, I Feel Bad about My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman .

Nora Ephron is a funny, talented woman (she wrote Sleepless in Seattle, among other things), and it's a damn shame that she would waste ink and paper on this drivel. I cannot fathom who in their right mind would pony up $19.95 to read it.

Would you bemoan the state of your thinning neck to a kid in a cancer ward? Only the lucky get old, so get over it. In the meantime, stay out of tanning salons and wear sunscreen.

I'm Not Paying You to Flirt With Me

Hi, Terry-

I met a guy; he's my karate instructor. I see him about four times a week. From afar, I thought he was cute, but he was married. One night he tried to set me up with his friend but ended up flirting with me instead. He was going through a divorce and did not want a rebound relationship. He kissed me and stayed over the night. No, we did not sleep together.

He called the next day to make sure everything was cool between us. He said he was attracted to me and liked me, but he needed to get his stuff together. We went out to lunch with friends the next day. He has not asked me out or called me. I only see him when I go to my training. He still flirts with me all the time.

Since the outing, he makes comments that are a little more than just friends -- for example, do you want my number, you can grab me anytime (it was during a karate move). During another karate move, he started acting like we were dancing. I also catch him looking at me during class.

Is he sending me messages that he wants more than he said, or he is just having fun and figures I am safe to flirt with? I was under the impression he does not want anything right now, or maybe ever.

Thanks-

K

Hi, K-

He said he's attracted to you but wants to get his stuff together. That's fine, but he shouldn't be flirting with you.

He says one thing, and then does another. You can be straight with him and say, "Look, I'm attracted to you, too, but since you don't want a relationship, I'd really appreciate it if we kept things professional. You're the teacher, and I'm the student. Don't play games with me."

Then see what happens. If he continues to flirt, you may have to find another instructor. I have a feeling you'd rather not, but it beats being treated like a yo-yo, especially if you're paying the guy.

You deserve better.

He Doesn't Know What the Hell He Wants

Hi, Terry-

I met a guy. He wants to get married and have kids. He broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks ago. He was up-front about it. He does not like to be alone and goes from one relationship to the next. He admitted that he is a serial monogomist. I told him up front I wanted to take things slow. He said no problem. He was very interested, and we dated for a few weeks until his ex-girlfriend kept calling him. I told him he needed some closure with her. He got back with her, but we had contact again and went out.

He told me he is confused, but I am the type of girl he wants to be with. He knows deep down she is not for him but can't seem to let go. He is the type that likes to be told what to do. I told him that he needs to make his own decision. We hung out and had fun. He kept asking about getting married. etc. I said, slow down; I just want to date and get to know you. Who knows what the future brings? The next day, we text one another, and now I have not spoken to him in four days. I know he saw the on/off girlfriend. He is very honest and always responds, but now he has not.

Is this the typical guy behavior? I do know all about the actions speaking louder than words. I guess I figured he would give the courtesy of calling saying he is staying with the ex.

-K

Hello, K-

No, this is not typical guy behavior. It is behavior typical of someone who doesn't know what he wants and is probably never going to sit down long enough to figure it out.

You sound like a sensible person; you told him you wanted to take things slow, and he told you he wanted to get married and have children. Then he flitted back to the ex-girlfriend he knows is "not for him."

After the disappearing act, the guy couldn't even manage to give you the courtesy of a clear-cut "I'm going back to the old girlfriend." Do you really have room in your life for such an individual? I think you deserve quite a bit more than what he can offer.

Repeat: This is not typical guy behavior.

When dating, use this rule: Treat others as you would have them treat you, and if they don't treat you as you would treat them, hit the highway.

To your happily ever after,
Terry

How Old Is Too Old for Love?

Hello, Terry-

I am 57 years old. Can you still find true love at my age? I sometimes go the psychic fairs and was told I will meet a widower. When I cut my front lawn, I notice a lot of older men drive by in their cars. Also, there a lot of men who shop in grocery stores too.

Thanks,
Sharon of Ohio


Hi, Sharon-

You can find true love at any age! My 68-year-old uncle, who was widowed in November of 2003, married a 61-year-old woman on July 15 (they met while fishing).

Keep getting out of the house, go where the men go, and put a smile on your face. You'll meet somebody!

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Do You Believe in Love at First Sight?

I do, and here's why.

And here's how to tell if that guy who claims he's in love with you is even worth it.

My Poor Brady

Tomorrow marks the broadcast of Christopher Knight's marriage to Adrienne Curry on My Fair Brady. You can catch the episodes leading up to the big event during a marathon starting at 4:30PM.

Former Brady Bunch star Christopher Knight, 48, has visibly aged since he took up with Curry, who's 23. The guy's living proof that shacking up with a woman 25 years younger won't keep you young. Adrienne is going to kill him.

In a past episode, when he admitted his burgeoning feelings for her, she ridiculed him. The fact that he had fallen in love with her wasn't enough; the way he expressed it simply didn't live up to her bubblegum fantasies.

The woman is incapable of remaining clothed for extended periods and enjoys lathering up in the near buff with female friends, which may sound like every man's fantasy, but it seems to be turning into a serious nightmare for poor Chrissie (as Adrienne calls him). His family hates her, and even his former TV mom, Florence Henderson, has expressed reservations.

I am expressing reservations, too. Don't do it, Chrissie. Oh, right; the show is already in the can, which means you probably already did.

The Benefits of Unattachment

My brother and I discussed the positives of being single last night. Number one would be not negotiating with a significant other about where you're going to spend the holidays. You can enjoy Christmas with your own brothers and sisters without fending off cries of, "We went to your freaking family's last year!"

This is only a plus, of course, if your relatives comprehend that being umarried means your existence remains full of possibilities; you are not some perpetual adolescent whose life is jigging past like Michael Flatley in Lord of the Dance. Singles saddled with unenlightened relations would do well to celebrate Christmas alone in Hawaii.

Another great thing about being single: You will probably not discover an email from Amazon confirming your order for fart pens. What, pray tell, is a fart pen? Well, Dear Reader, I wondered the same thing.

Turns out one of my darling offspring got into my Amazon account while I sawed away on my Nordic Track this morning. She ordered said fart pens, which Amazon describes as thus:

"It's a real pen shaped like a finger and when you pull on it, out will come farting sounds. Great for that boring night of homework or maybe make your friends laugh at this very comical pen."

In case you're wondering, I changed the password on my Amazon account. This should be an interesting summer.

Toastmasters and You

Dating tip: If you want to meet ambitious people set on improving themselves, join a Toastmasters group. Chances are, many members will be spoken for, but you never know who they know.

Expanding your social network is key if you want to meet exciting new people. And, at Toastmasters, you'll develop a valuable new skill, which will certainly come in handy when you thank guests for coming to your wedding.

Senior Citizen Dating Tragedies

Yeah, I know. I haven't been here for a while. Here's the conflict: This is a dating blog. Sometimes I want to write about things other than dating, like movies or food or somebody's husband who pisses me off (actually, there are a few of those).

Peter and I have been out and about lately, in restaurants, bars, and such, and I can tell you a few things:

Senior citizens are clueless about dating.

Case #1: The age 70-plus geezer who came into the bar where Peter and I were waiting for a table with a lovely woman around his own age. Turns out, the guy was out celebrating his birthday. Somebody at the bar offered him three wishes. The birthday pensioner exclaimed, "Every woman here is now a blonde."

Since none of the women present had blonde hair, including the elegant woman he came in with, it's safe to say that the rest of his date didn't go as well as he might have hoped.

Case #2: Squeezed into a small table at a hotspot in Monroe, Connecticut, next to an elderly woman wearing pearls and her date, Peter and I listened to her blather on about "my son," "my daw-tah," her ailments, her landlord, and so on. The poor bastard she came in with didn't get a word in edgewise.

At one point, she bellowed, "I'm gonna get drunk. Do you mind? I wanna get drunk." The guy mumbled, "I don't mind." At this point, Peter raised his eyebrows. How'd we get stuck sitting next to her?

When the check came, the guy sitting next to me sighed with resignation and signed it. His date screamed, "Are you drunk? Awww. You're sobah? That's too bad 'cause I'm really drunk!

Case #3: The recently widowed older man who told me, "I don't understand women. I never have." Here's a tip, Buddy: Treat other people as you'd have them treat you, and you should be okay.

Saw The Breakup last night with H. and V. Hilarious and right on the money! What I probably will avoid is the movie featured in a trailer starring Kate Hudson, Matt Dillon, and Owen Wilson. It looked like it might have a few dumb laughs, but Kate Hudson appeared half-dressed in almost all the shots. You might as well do Playboy videos, Kate. What you're doing ain't acting.

A movie called Acceptance, featuring one of my heroes, Lewis Black, looks promising. I will see it. I will also see Clerks 2 before I see the thing with Kate Hudson.

I Would Marry You, Stephen Colbert, If Only I Weren't Already Married

And if only you weren't married!

But you are, and I am. That said, I want to congratulate you on your patriotic and inspiring speech at Saturday night's White House Correspondents' Dinner. Perhaps the reason you got so few laughs is because you told the sorry, pathetic truth.

And, boy, does the truth hurt.

I thought for sure that a big white hook would pop out and sweep you from my admiring gaze, or that Laura Bush would decapitate you with her steak knife.

I applaud your courage, Sir.

Dating for the Shy

If you don't know what to say when you meet men, keep the focus on him. Ask him what he likes to do on weekends, what movies he's seen recently, and so on. Don't ask questions that result in a 'yes' or 'no.'

If you ask a guy what he did over the weekend, he might say he went fishing. Then you can ask how long he's been fishing, where he likes to fish, when he started fishing, what he likes about fishing, and so on. People love to talk about things they love, and the fact that you're interested makes you interesting.

Don't worry about what to say next.

Here's the formula: Ask a question, listen to the answer, ask another question. Avoid making inquiries about religion or political affiliation, at least until you get to know the man better. Right now, the goal is to get the guy talking about things he likes to do. He will think you're a brilliant conversationalist.

And, then if the guy has any personality whatsoever, he'll want to know about you. So tell him a little something. Relax: A little information goes a long way, and since you're shy, you may come off as mysterious, which is a good thing. He'll want to get to know you better.

Who wouldn't?

Can't Get a Date?

Yes, you can.

After coming home from seeing Lieutenant of Inishmore on Broadway and enjoying a delightful dinner at Trattoria Trecolori with Peter last night, I caught VH1's very excellent show, Can't Get a Date.

Each episode features a man or woman who's had difficulty generating sufficient interest from the opposite sex. In a low-key, humorous, and unhumiliating manner, the host instructs the guest on what s/he's doing to repel potential dates and how to attract them. I definitely recommend it.

If you happen to be in New York, I heartily (and humbly) suggest you see The Lieutenant of Inishmore. At one point, I laughed so hard I cried.

He's the Man!

Took the train into New York Saturday for dinner and drinks with the girls in Bayside.

Had dinner in Monahan's (note to waiter: good service does not consist of avoiding eye contact and finishing every sentence with, "Ladies;" as in, "Will that be all, Ladies?", "What can I get you, Ladies?", and so on. Yuck).

After dinner, we had a couple of drinks at the bar before M. rolled up to pick up A. The rest of us headed over to Donovan's, which was more crowded than I've seen it in years (not that I get in there much). Really amazed myself by staying out until 2AM. As we left Bell Boulevard, the bars were rocking.

Slept over in Bayside with U. and P. They got a new dog on Saturday, a black lab named Buddy. He's three-years-old and friendly without being slobbery. We managed to just miss the Palm Sunday crowd for breakfast at the Omega on 32nd Avenue. Can't beat breakfast at the Omega! I had a Greek omelet but skipped the home fries and toast in atonement for my gluttony the previous evening (some guy kept putting pretzels on our table in the bar, and I went through two bowls of them).

Met Daddy in Grand Central on my way back home. Went to that "Caffe" downstairs; he had a cup of coffee, and I had a glass of Merlot to right my head. While I waited for him to show at the information booth, some guy in a black ski cap shouted, "Dude!" into his cell phone so loud I nearly dropped my wallet. "I'm at the information booth in Grand Central, Dude!" he boomed. "Sure, you know what it looks like. You saw Madagascar, didn't you?"

Sometimes you don't realize how attractive a person you know well is until you see them in a crowd, and that was the case with Daddy. The guy is 74 1/2, steely-haired, fit, and handsome. He's swimming five days a week and, as always, walks everywhere. If he ever decides to start dating, I suspect he won't be lonely for long. I don't think it's in the plan, though, and my father is not one to ever change the plan.

Can't see him dealing with some other woman and her children, being expected to visit them on holidays. Not in the plan.

Was very pleased to find Peter waiting for me at the station in Connecticut in my Saturn, instead of his monster truck, which gets, like, -6 miles to the gallon. On Friday night, I found him whizzing around a motorcycle website, which means he's getting fuel conscious, but not necessarily in the way I'd hoped.

In brighter news, he did steam clean the bathroom in our bedroom during my absence. (I felt like I was in a hotel when I took my shower this morning). He also laid the forms for the new walk he's putting in the front of our house.

He is definitely the man.

What does all this have to do with dating? Not much, although the boys and girls were out and in fine form in the bars on Bell Boulevard Saturday night. Here's a tip, though: If you meet a cute guy in a bar, it's not necessary to make out with him while waiting for the bartender to pour your drinks.

Work and the Office Lothario

Lately I'm receiving letters from women who've fallen victim to a lothario at the office. The dude showered them with attention. He made numerous offers to run out to Starbucks and get them a coffee, and so on. Flirtation by email followed. Romance ensued.

Then, suddenly, it all stopped. The man ceased all contact. The women, not knowing what they did wrong, struggled to regain his affection. And failed.

They write to me asking what they can do next.

Here's my answer:

Return the guy's lack of interest in kind. Do not, under any circumstances, walk past his desk, email him, or do anything to get his attention. Avoid him at all costs. If you happen to run into him in the hall or at a meeting, keep your back straight and conversation to a minimum.

If he didn't have the courtesy to speak to you before ending the relationship, he doesn't warrant your time. If he did have the courtesy to speak to you, then take him at his word. Terminate any campaign to change his mind.

Repeat after me:

It's his loss.
It's his loss.
It's his loss.

There are bigger fish in the sea.

Forget George Clooney...

I like a man I can sink my teeth into. For instance:

1. Joaquin Phoenix
2. Mark Ruffalo
3. Stephen Colbert
4. Lewis Black

None of them is leading-man handsome, but they all possess a certain (and attractive) intelligence. A sense of humor goes a long way, too.

In unrelated news: The recent torture killing of a young grad student in New York City has completely freaked me out. It underscores the sad fact that just because a woman thinks she knows somebody (in this case, the bouncer in the bar where she was hanging out) or the man seems to be in a position of some authority, it doesn't mean he's a good person.

If you're going to hang out in a bar, go with a friend and go home with a friend. No exceptions. If you meet a guy who has great potential, plan to meet him again in a neutral location. Remember what your parents told you when you were five: Don't get into a car with a stranger.

He probably wouldn't end up strangling you with your pantyhose, but why would you ever risk it?

Stop the Madness. God is Watching!

Nicholas Kristof of the New York Times continues to write of the horrors facing ordinary citizens in Darfur. These people go through life waiting for rapists and murderers to descend upon them, and there's nothing they can do about it.

Can you imaging popping the Gorton's fish sticks into the oven and wondering if tonight is the night your children will be raped and killed? I can't fathom what it would be like to live in that constant state of terror.

Few Americans are aware of this genocide. It's strange; we still talk about the horrors of the Holocaust and ask how it ever was even allowed to happen, yet something similar is going on in Africa, and the networks have turned their backs on it.

That will change tomorrow, fortunately. NBC will broadcast Ann Curry's coverage of the ongoing massacre, but ABC and CBS have yet to step up.

We (you and me) can help the people of Darfur by sending a postcard to President Bush and telling him to put his foot down.

For other ideas, check out Ten Things You Can Do Right Now.

Teri Hatcher's "Startling Confession"

Teri didn't actually "confess" that she was sexually abused as a child. Confession implies guilt, and she was the victim-- not the perpetrator-- of the vilest sort of crime.

According to the Vanity Fair writer who interviewed Hatcher, the Desperate Housewives actress is making the story public only to help other children who find themselves in similar situations.

Which I respect.

What I don't respect is the media sexing this story up for ratings. The only person who needs to confess is the trusted male relative who abused her for his own pathetic purposes.

Project Misogyny

My new hero, Guy Trebay of The New York Times, wrote about a bunch of losers who still haven't gotten over the girls who dumped them in high school.

Stumbled upon a "Christian" website today that tells why it's the woman's responsibility to agree to have sex with her husband even if she's not into it, and why it's her responsibility again to turn him on when he's not into it.

My favorite tip?

"Buy (or make) panties that tie on the sides - you can untie and remove them discreetly in a theater or at a restaurant table."

I must have been out sick the day the nuns addressed that subject.