Finishing up an article on dating an aggressive driver for a Connecticut paper.
I'm blah this week. Scooted into Wal-Mart today (yes, I know; I'm not supposed to go to Wal-Mart, but the domestic violence center that's doing the Christmas gift drive directed me to go there and buy a gift card. Personally, if I had to leave my husband due to any kind of abuse, I would find it doubly depressing to have to shop at Wal-Mart).
Sure enough, I got busted in there by not one but two friends who know my hostile stance toward America's Largest Retailer. Had a bit of explaining to do.
Well, the offspring have unearthed every Christmas decoration from The Year 12 and hauled them up from the basement. Remind me to throw half the crap out when I take it down after New Year's. I'm tired of looking at it.
In happy news, I'm meeting L and A and U and P and A and M for dinner in Manhattan Saturday night. I'm sure it'll be a mad scene with everybody and their Aunt Lucy in to see the tree, but I'm looking forward to it. I need an adults' night out.
In dating news, I put out the most recent newsletter yesterday. If you missed it and would like to get it, email me at terry@marrysmart.com. It's informative (if I don't say so myself), and it's free.
Did you see Jimmy Carter on The Daily Show the other night? Thank God for Jimmy Carter. The man will go down in history as a great man and a great president.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Flirt While You Can
"When you flirt, you gain valuable information about the nature of another person -- his or her sense of fun, adventure, and potential as a romantic candidate. You quickly find out if he's classy, trashy, shy, leering, desperate, sweet, funny, or any combination of the above."
-Sara Tanner, Creator of the LIFELONG FLIRTING COURSE
If you're shy, tongue-tied, or have been out of the dating game too long, Sara Tanner will teach you how to wow the opposite sex.
You'll get lessons and fun assignments via email. Tuition for Sara's course is usually $47.00, but her Thanksgiving week special of $37.00 runs through tomorrow.
-Sara Tanner, Creator of the LIFELONG FLIRTING COURSE
If you're shy, tongue-tied, or have been out of the dating game too long, Sara Tanner will teach you how to wow the opposite sex.
You'll get lessons and fun assignments via email. Tuition for Sara's course is usually $47.00, but her Thanksgiving week special of $37.00 runs through tomorrow.
How to Get Over a Bad Boyfriend
Dear Terry,
This is probably one of the most stupid letters you will ever read, but I just had to write. I need a slap!
I lived with a guy for two years. He had all kinds of problems, from health to gambling. For the first eight months of our relationship I paid for almost everything. We had plans to move where I am now living, but those plans were cut short. I moved alone. One night after a lot of feelings of hate mixed up with frustration, my washing machine overflowed. I started crying, needed him to hold me, but he took the hammer and broke my washing machine. I told him to leave. I called the cops but didn't sign a complaint. He left. I left. I needed someone to understand me, so I drove 400 miles to my daughter's place (I didn't know what I was doing, what would become of my life. I even thought of ending it).
Then I drove back! I wanted to talk to him, reason with him, but when I finally got home, nobody was there. A few minutes later, there he was with his daughter. Like a bat out of hell he grabbed the satellite machine, the only thing that was his, and I got very angry. Who would do a thing like that after all I had done for him? Who would even think of taking away a stupid satellite machine? Wasn't I worth more than a satellite? Enraged, I called the cops, and he ended up in court.
He cannot be within 500 feet of me for three years! I was shocked to get this news and found out that he was living with somebody else. That should be enough for me to hate him. Right? But I think of him every day. He even came down to see me this summer but says he is afraid of me because I called the cops on him. He leaves me messages on my machine and says he cannot forget me (I'm not stupid. I have a brain).
If he really loved me, he would still be with me. Right? Why am I still thinking of him? He's living with another woman! I know deep down that I could no longer have a trusting relationship with him, and I could not have sex with him again (just the thought that he had sex with God knows who makes me sick). I wish I could meet somebody worthwhile. But I go to bed at night thinking of him, and I wake up thinking of him.
I'm fighting to survive, no job, times are rough. I cannot go out and do things due to a lack of money. Christmas is coming, and I just hate the thought of it. I have found a little job cleaning , but it doesn't pay enough to spoil my grandchild. I wish I was dead!
So, you see, I need a good kick maybe.
-Got a Big Sign Taped to My Back
Dear Big Sign-
I'm not going to give you a kick. For whatever reason, you're hung up on this guy even though he's obviously a bedbug. I'm no psychiatrist, but clearly he has problems. Perhaps he's been horrible to you because he knows he doesn't deserve the kindness you've shown him, and for some warped reason he actually resents you for it.
But enough about him.
A lot of the time we get hooked on people who treat us poorly because part of us (a buried part, I'd guess) thinks we deserve it. Or we get hooked because the person didn't treat us badly all the time; now and again, he actually made us laugh and gave us a warm, glowy feeling inside.
Since you're still obsessing about him, I suggest that you write down every single thing about him that you dislike on a sheet of paper, which you will leave on your pillow. Before you fall asleep at night (when you are tempted to relive the good ol' days), read this list and let it sink into your subconscious. Read it again before your feet touch the floor in the morning.
You might also consider changing your telephone number so that you don't have to hear his voice ever again. He knows he has an emotional hold over you (and even goes on the offensive by saying he's afraid of your behavior--huh?), and so he calls you.
He's living with someone else now, probably sucking her dry. You know perfectly well you're better off without him, but you're lonely. I suggest that you begin to treat yourself the way he should have treated you. Become your very own best boyfriend; it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. Take yourself out to a movie (matinees are fairly cheap), buy yourself flowers at the grocery store once in a while, speak to yourself as if you were a beloved child (how would you speak to your grandchild, for instance?). Write a list of your very best qualities and read it often. You have to start loving yourself. You have to start enjoying your own company.
You have the cleaning job. That's a start. Don't worry about spoiling your grandchild. Your grandchild can only benefit from having a happy, healthy grandmother, instead of a sad woman who buys presents but wishes she were dead. See your daughter when you can, but your goal right now is to stop wishing you were dead and start enjoying life, as you deserve to and should.
Is there a community center in your neighborhood where you could take classes cheaply? Perhaps you could learn yoga or something new, which would allow you to meet new people and to feel good about yourself.
My next suggestion is to volunteer in a hospital or someplace else where people are less fortunate. (I know you need money, but I'm talking about just an hour or two every week.) You would meet new people and perhaps come across a paying job opportunity. And the best way to feel better is to help somebody else feel better.
You're in a new place, and you have an opportunity to build a new life. You cared very much (and hard) for a man who didn't value you, but you have much to offer and there are other people who will value that--and you.
I hope this helps, and I wish you the very best of everything.
Terry
This is probably one of the most stupid letters you will ever read, but I just had to write. I need a slap!
I lived with a guy for two years. He had all kinds of problems, from health to gambling. For the first eight months of our relationship I paid for almost everything. We had plans to move where I am now living, but those plans were cut short. I moved alone. One night after a lot of feelings of hate mixed up with frustration, my washing machine overflowed. I started crying, needed him to hold me, but he took the hammer and broke my washing machine. I told him to leave. I called the cops but didn't sign a complaint. He left. I left. I needed someone to understand me, so I drove 400 miles to my daughter's place (I didn't know what I was doing, what would become of my life. I even thought of ending it).
Then I drove back! I wanted to talk to him, reason with him, but when I finally got home, nobody was there. A few minutes later, there he was with his daughter. Like a bat out of hell he grabbed the satellite machine, the only thing that was his, and I got very angry. Who would do a thing like that after all I had done for him? Who would even think of taking away a stupid satellite machine? Wasn't I worth more than a satellite? Enraged, I called the cops, and he ended up in court.
He cannot be within 500 feet of me for three years! I was shocked to get this news and found out that he was living with somebody else. That should be enough for me to hate him. Right? But I think of him every day. He even came down to see me this summer but says he is afraid of me because I called the cops on him. He leaves me messages on my machine and says he cannot forget me (I'm not stupid. I have a brain).
If he really loved me, he would still be with me. Right? Why am I still thinking of him? He's living with another woman! I know deep down that I could no longer have a trusting relationship with him, and I could not have sex with him again (just the thought that he had sex with God knows who makes me sick). I wish I could meet somebody worthwhile. But I go to bed at night thinking of him, and I wake up thinking of him.
I'm fighting to survive, no job, times are rough. I cannot go out and do things due to a lack of money. Christmas is coming, and I just hate the thought of it. I have found a little job cleaning , but it doesn't pay enough to spoil my grandchild. I wish I was dead!
So, you see, I need a good kick maybe.
-Got a Big Sign Taped to My Back
Dear Big Sign-
I'm not going to give you a kick. For whatever reason, you're hung up on this guy even though he's obviously a bedbug. I'm no psychiatrist, but clearly he has problems. Perhaps he's been horrible to you because he knows he doesn't deserve the kindness you've shown him, and for some warped reason he actually resents you for it.
But enough about him.
A lot of the time we get hooked on people who treat us poorly because part of us (a buried part, I'd guess) thinks we deserve it. Or we get hooked because the person didn't treat us badly all the time; now and again, he actually made us laugh and gave us a warm, glowy feeling inside.
Since you're still obsessing about him, I suggest that you write down every single thing about him that you dislike on a sheet of paper, which you will leave on your pillow. Before you fall asleep at night (when you are tempted to relive the good ol' days), read this list and let it sink into your subconscious. Read it again before your feet touch the floor in the morning.
You might also consider changing your telephone number so that you don't have to hear his voice ever again. He knows he has an emotional hold over you (and even goes on the offensive by saying he's afraid of your behavior--huh?), and so he calls you.
He's living with someone else now, probably sucking her dry. You know perfectly well you're better off without him, but you're lonely. I suggest that you begin to treat yourself the way he should have treated you. Become your very own best boyfriend; it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. Take yourself out to a movie (matinees are fairly cheap), buy yourself flowers at the grocery store once in a while, speak to yourself as if you were a beloved child (how would you speak to your grandchild, for instance?). Write a list of your very best qualities and read it often. You have to start loving yourself. You have to start enjoying your own company.
You have the cleaning job. That's a start. Don't worry about spoiling your grandchild. Your grandchild can only benefit from having a happy, healthy grandmother, instead of a sad woman who buys presents but wishes she were dead. See your daughter when you can, but your goal right now is to stop wishing you were dead and start enjoying life, as you deserve to and should.
Is there a community center in your neighborhood where you could take classes cheaply? Perhaps you could learn yoga or something new, which would allow you to meet new people and to feel good about yourself.
My next suggestion is to volunteer in a hospital or someplace else where people are less fortunate. (I know you need money, but I'm talking about just an hour or two every week.) You would meet new people and perhaps come across a paying job opportunity. And the best way to feel better is to help somebody else feel better.
You're in a new place, and you have an opportunity to build a new life. You cared very much (and hard) for a man who didn't value you, but you have much to offer and there are other people who will value that--and you.
I hope this helps, and I wish you the very best of everything.
Terry
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Working Mothers Who Can't Get a Break
This morning's Connecticut Post featured a story about a woman who left her children in her car while she went to work her shift at Stop & Shop. She was arrested on two counts of risk of injury to a minor and leaving a child unattended in a motor vehicle. She was also charged with operating a motor vehicle without insurance and misuse of registration plates.
She was released after posting $25,000 bond. She later begged a reporter not to write about her arrest, saying that she is a hard-working single parent who struggles to pay bills and find day care for her children.
Instead of making this woman out to be a villain, did it occur to anybody that she has no choice except to leave her children in her car while she makes money to buy them something to eat?
My next question:
Where is the children's father?
Where the hell is he? Does he offer his children any kind of support whatsoever? Why is this woman forced to leave his children in a parking lot to be able to provide for them? And why am I the one asking these questions instead of authorities who could actually help her?
She was released after posting $25,000 bond. She later begged a reporter not to write about her arrest, saying that she is a hard-working single parent who struggles to pay bills and find day care for her children.
Instead of making this woman out to be a villain, did it occur to anybody that she has no choice except to leave her children in her car while she makes money to buy them something to eat?
My next question:
Where is the children's father?
Where the hell is he? Does he offer his children any kind of support whatsoever? Why is this woman forced to leave his children in a parking lot to be able to provide for them? And why am I the one asking these questions instead of authorities who could actually help her?
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Wal-Mart and the Running of the Bulls
This Christmas season, I refuse to shop in any store that encourages people to gouge and trample each other in an attempt to score a cheap laptop.
I also refuse to shop in stores that refer to sales as "Door Busters." The day I "bust" a door is the day I start giving cash instead of buying gifts for Christmas.
In its never-ending quest to score unprecedented profits, corporate America would reduce us to animals. Unfortunately, too many of us are willing to let them get away with it.
I also refuse to shop in stores that refer to sales as "Door Busters." The day I "bust" a door is the day I start giving cash instead of buying gifts for Christmas.
In its never-ending quest to score unprecedented profits, corporate America would reduce us to animals. Unfortunately, too many of us are willing to let them get away with it.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
How to Flirt
I have much to be thankful for this year, including my association with Sara Tanner, an expert on dating and relationships.
She's a shameless flirt who wants to take you by the hand and teach you this alluring art (and, while she and I don't agree on everything, I've learned a good deal from her. She's never boring, that's for sure).
She's offering an e-course entitled "Lifelong Flirting," which is fun and affordably priced. I'll let her tell you:
"Flirting is a subject that has always been close to my heart. Since I was a young teenager, I've collected every book on 'how to get a man' that I could get my hands on. It's a subject that is endlessly interesting, and flirting is certainly one of the most fun parts of the interaction between men and women.
I just started this class earlier this year, and it's my 'baby.' The class includes members who are shy; members who are already experienced flirts - and even a couple of men have joined the class out of their love for women and desire to learn and grow.
It's an online class that you can take at times which are convenient to you - the lessons come to you through email. There are unadvertised bonuses, as well as lifetime membership on the Lifelong Flirting forum. At the end of the class, you also receive a bonus book: 'The Etiquette Handbook.'
Everyone who takes this course comes away with a new understanding of the foundations of flirting, and with the frame of mind to put their new skills into action. The class is being expanded, and as a result, the price is about to go to $47, but for this Thanksgiving holiday week, it will stay $37 to show my own thankfulness for the faithful readers of my own emails. I have over twelve thousand subscribers and I'm very blessed to have them.
I think women owe it to themselves to flirt - married or single. If you don't flirt, you are missing out on one of life's greatest joys - on an inherent part of our birthright as people! Without flirting on some level in your daily interactions, life's a deadly bore!
You can read about the first time anyone every flirted with me - I was a mere 12 years old - here.
Flirting does indeed start early in life. Flirting situations start when we least expect them, too - so every woman should be 'armed' and prepared for this immensely fun and positive aspect of life.
Would you like to learn how to cast a spell on a man?
Then, by all means, join me.
-Sara Tanner
She's a shameless flirt who wants to take you by the hand and teach you this alluring art (and, while she and I don't agree on everything, I've learned a good deal from her. She's never boring, that's for sure).
She's offering an e-course entitled "Lifelong Flirting," which is fun and affordably priced. I'll let her tell you:
"Flirting is a subject that has always been close to my heart. Since I was a young teenager, I've collected every book on 'how to get a man' that I could get my hands on. It's a subject that is endlessly interesting, and flirting is certainly one of the most fun parts of the interaction between men and women.
I just started this class earlier this year, and it's my 'baby.' The class includes members who are shy; members who are already experienced flirts - and even a couple of men have joined the class out of their love for women and desire to learn and grow.
It's an online class that you can take at times which are convenient to you - the lessons come to you through email. There are unadvertised bonuses, as well as lifetime membership on the Lifelong Flirting forum. At the end of the class, you also receive a bonus book: 'The Etiquette Handbook.'
Everyone who takes this course comes away with a new understanding of the foundations of flirting, and with the frame of mind to put their new skills into action. The class is being expanded, and as a result, the price is about to go to $47, but for this Thanksgiving holiday week, it will stay $37 to show my own thankfulness for the faithful readers of my own emails. I have over twelve thousand subscribers and I'm very blessed to have them.
I think women owe it to themselves to flirt - married or single. If you don't flirt, you are missing out on one of life's greatest joys - on an inherent part of our birthright as people! Without flirting on some level in your daily interactions, life's a deadly bore!
You can read about the first time anyone every flirted with me - I was a mere 12 years old - here.
Flirting does indeed start early in life. Flirting situations start when we least expect them, too - so every woman should be 'armed' and prepared for this immensely fun and positive aspect of life.
Would you like to learn how to cast a spell on a man?
Then, by all means, join me.
-Sara Tanner
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Meet Men, Meet Women
Coming out of the mist to let you know that my correspondent, A., tells me she tried speed-dating with delightful results.
Here's what she says:
"Just wanted to fill you in on my speed-dating event last night. I have to tell you, it was far more fun and less intimidating than I'd anticipated. I actually met someone I found attractive and would like to get to know better. He was interesting, successful, the right age and is a Democrat like me (very important)!
He and I are exchanging e-mails, and I definitely intend to attend another event. It's so much better to see someone face to face, and see if there is chemistry, unlike the Internet personals, where there is ample opportunity for embellishment and outright lies.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that this is a great venue for meeting people. I'll let you know how things go. I may not meet Mr. Right through speed-dating, but the experience was a great ego-builder that let me know that, even at so-called "middle age" (44), I am still very marketable, more so than many of my peers. I received an e-mail today that 7 out of the ten men there last night wanted to get to know me better.
I was skeptical but now believe that this is a very viable option for people to meet, especially busy professionals. Keep your wonderful e-mails and blog coming. We appreciate you!"
And I appreciate, you, A. Thanks for the important information!
Here's what she says:
"Just wanted to fill you in on my speed-dating event last night. I have to tell you, it was far more fun and less intimidating than I'd anticipated. I actually met someone I found attractive and would like to get to know better. He was interesting, successful, the right age and is a Democrat like me (very important)!
He and I are exchanging e-mails, and I definitely intend to attend another event. It's so much better to see someone face to face, and see if there is chemistry, unlike the Internet personals, where there is ample opportunity for embellishment and outright lies.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that this is a great venue for meeting people. I'll let you know how things go. I may not meet Mr. Right through speed-dating, but the experience was a great ego-builder that let me know that, even at so-called "middle age" (44), I am still very marketable, more so than many of my peers. I received an e-mail today that 7 out of the ten men there last night wanted to get to know me better.
I was skeptical but now believe that this is a very viable option for people to meet, especially busy professionals. Keep your wonderful e-mails and blog coming. We appreciate you!"
And I appreciate, you, A. Thanks for the important information!
Thursday, November 03, 2005
If You Want Him to Open Up, Don't Use a Can Opener
Dear Terry,
I want to thank you again for the teleclass. It was really inspirational. I am sure that I can put what you discussed into practice rather soon. I do have a question though. How do you get a man to open up to you about all parts of his life, even those that do not concern you, without curbing his freedom and independence?
-Quite Curious
Well, hello, Quite-
I'm glad you enjoyed the call.
If you're spending a lot of time with a man, he should eventually trust you enough to open up about himself. I wouldn't force anything. If, after a reasonable amount of time, you feel that you don't really know him much better than you did when you first met, you can say, "We've been going out together for (insert amount of time), but I don't know you very well." See what happens.
If he takes that as a cue to be forthcoming, good. If he doesn't, you could make a joke. Smile and say something like, "You're very mysterious, but I'm really into comedies these days." If he remains clammed up, I would take that as a sign to keep moving.
You never want to interrogate a guy, but it's perfectly acceptable to open up about your experiences. For instance, you could say: "My favorite Christmas was (fill in the blank) when (fill in the blank); and "I love the Fall because it reminds me of (insert your very special memory here). This way, you're giving him an opportunity to tell you about himself and his experiences.
A good relationship depends on respect, consideration, and, most of all, communication. You can't do it alone, and you shouldn't try. Be sure to keep that in mind.
Terry
I want to thank you again for the teleclass. It was really inspirational. I am sure that I can put what you discussed into practice rather soon. I do have a question though. How do you get a man to open up to you about all parts of his life, even those that do not concern you, without curbing his freedom and independence?
-Quite Curious
Well, hello, Quite-
I'm glad you enjoyed the call.
If you're spending a lot of time with a man, he should eventually trust you enough to open up about himself. I wouldn't force anything. If, after a reasonable amount of time, you feel that you don't really know him much better than you did when you first met, you can say, "We've been going out together for (insert amount of time), but I don't know you very well." See what happens.
If he takes that as a cue to be forthcoming, good. If he doesn't, you could make a joke. Smile and say something like, "You're very mysterious, but I'm really into comedies these days." If he remains clammed up, I would take that as a sign to keep moving.
You never want to interrogate a guy, but it's perfectly acceptable to open up about your experiences. For instance, you could say: "My favorite Christmas was (fill in the blank) when (fill in the blank); and "I love the Fall because it reminds me of (insert your very special memory here). This way, you're giving him an opportunity to tell you about himself and his experiences.
A good relationship depends on respect, consideration, and, most of all, communication. You can't do it alone, and you shouldn't try. Be sure to keep that in mind.
Terry
Monday, October 31, 2005
Prescription for a Marriage in Hell
Hi, Terry-
I have been dating my boyfriend for five and a half years. We are 23 years old, and I would really like a commitment. We have talked about getting married, but he says he probably doesn't want to get married for another three or four years. I love him so much, but I feel it's unfair that I have to wait around. It's as if everything is on his schedule. I think it's ridiculous to wait that long. We are thinking about moving in together, but now I'm having second thoughts. I'm worried that if we move in together, we will never get married! He says that moving in together is a commitment in itself. I want to be with him and have a ceremony where we can pronounce our love in front of everyone.
He lives his life and expects me to just follow along. For example, he always plans his weekends around what he wants to do and just assumes I will do what he wants. He doesn't keep me in mind. I took off work on Friday so we could spend time
together (we have completely opposite work schedules), and he slept the whole day! What a waste! When I confronted him about it he says he didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I want him to plan things for us to do, instead of me always having to make the plans and figure everything out. I've just become increasingly angry and feel like he doesn't understand. He says that if we both know that we want to get married it shouldn't matter if it's now or in four years.
Should I stick around or move on? I don't want to wait, and then three years from now have him decide that he doesn't want to get married for another four. Please help!
-Confused
Hello, Confused-
If you're angry now because your boyfriend doesn't consider your feelings, how do you think you'll feel in another five years?
The thing is, you can't make him commit to you (nor should you try). You deserve a guy who's quite literally jumping off the couch to marry you, and he's not doing that.
I understand why you'd want to get married after 5 1/2 years together, but if he's not willing, then it's not your job to change his mind. Instead, you might ask yourself if he's doing you a favor. You're not happy about the way he treats you, and marriage is not going to change him (in fact, he's probably going to get worse).
The idea of proclaiming your love for one another in front of the entire world is romantic, but think about it: A wedding lasts a couple of hours. A marriage is meant to last a lifetime.
Let me ask you a question.
Do you really think you would be happy spending your life with this man (the way he is now, not the way you think he might turn out to be)?
If the answer is no, then you owe it to yourself to move on. If the answer is yes, you truly love him and want to marry him, then I'd advise you to spend less time with him, instead of more. I would definitely never take a day off work to hang out with him, that's for sure. It sounds as if your boyfriend is taking you for granted, and you need to step back a bit.
Be less available.
I'm not telling you to play games. But it's time this guy stopped assuming you're going to do whatever he wants every weekend. You can give him the message by going out with your friends often(if you don't have any friends, make some). If you're interested in learning something new, like pottery, yoga, or beermaking, I suggest you take a class that gets you out of the house one day a week. It will introduce you to new people and new situations, and learning new things makes you more interesting.
If you have a habit of stopping by to see your boyfriend after work, taper that off. Don't see him all the time. Expand your horizons. Do different things with different people.
After a while (or maybe even immediately), he'll either notice and stop taking you for granted, or he won't. If he does, then, good, keep it up (and if you do marry him, keep it up 25 years from now). If he doesn't, then keep moving in the other direction. Build a life for yourself.
I know you don't want to hear this, but you're young. And I'm afraid that if you twist this guy's arm, and he marries you, you'll be a fat old woman in a sweatsuit by the tender age of 30. I'm afraid that you'll be doing all the work around the house, shuttling kids around to soccer and helping them with their homework, while he continues to do what he always did: what he wants.
As far as living together goes, you're right. It's not a commitment, and that would be fine if you were both happy with that. But you're not. So do not move in with him(but if you decide to disregard my advice on this score, make sure you clear up who's going to cook on which nights. In other words, you're not to become anybody's maid).
Please do not let the image of yourself in a Vera Wang dress cloud your judgment. Repeat after me: A wedding lasts just a few hours. A marriage to the wrong guy could mean a lifetime of misery.
Don't believe me? Head to a family restaurant on a Friday night. Check out all the unhappily married couples who talk to their children but not to each other.
I hope this helps.
Terry
I have been dating my boyfriend for five and a half years. We are 23 years old, and I would really like a commitment. We have talked about getting married, but he says he probably doesn't want to get married for another three or four years. I love him so much, but I feel it's unfair that I have to wait around. It's as if everything is on his schedule. I think it's ridiculous to wait that long. We are thinking about moving in together, but now I'm having second thoughts. I'm worried that if we move in together, we will never get married! He says that moving in together is a commitment in itself. I want to be with him and have a ceremony where we can pronounce our love in front of everyone.
He lives his life and expects me to just follow along. For example, he always plans his weekends around what he wants to do and just assumes I will do what he wants. He doesn't keep me in mind. I took off work on Friday so we could spend time
together (we have completely opposite work schedules), and he slept the whole day! What a waste! When I confronted him about it he says he didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I want him to plan things for us to do, instead of me always having to make the plans and figure everything out. I've just become increasingly angry and feel like he doesn't understand. He says that if we both know that we want to get married it shouldn't matter if it's now or in four years.
Should I stick around or move on? I don't want to wait, and then three years from now have him decide that he doesn't want to get married for another four. Please help!
-Confused
Hello, Confused-
If you're angry now because your boyfriend doesn't consider your feelings, how do you think you'll feel in another five years?
The thing is, you can't make him commit to you (nor should you try). You deserve a guy who's quite literally jumping off the couch to marry you, and he's not doing that.
I understand why you'd want to get married after 5 1/2 years together, but if he's not willing, then it's not your job to change his mind. Instead, you might ask yourself if he's doing you a favor. You're not happy about the way he treats you, and marriage is not going to change him (in fact, he's probably going to get worse).
The idea of proclaiming your love for one another in front of the entire world is romantic, but think about it: A wedding lasts a couple of hours. A marriage is meant to last a lifetime.
Let me ask you a question.
Do you really think you would be happy spending your life with this man (the way he is now, not the way you think he might turn out to be)?
If the answer is no, then you owe it to yourself to move on. If the answer is yes, you truly love him and want to marry him, then I'd advise you to spend less time with him, instead of more. I would definitely never take a day off work to hang out with him, that's for sure. It sounds as if your boyfriend is taking you for granted, and you need to step back a bit.
Be less available.
I'm not telling you to play games. But it's time this guy stopped assuming you're going to do whatever he wants every weekend. You can give him the message by going out with your friends often(if you don't have any friends, make some). If you're interested in learning something new, like pottery, yoga, or beermaking, I suggest you take a class that gets you out of the house one day a week. It will introduce you to new people and new situations, and learning new things makes you more interesting.
If you have a habit of stopping by to see your boyfriend after work, taper that off. Don't see him all the time. Expand your horizons. Do different things with different people.
After a while (or maybe even immediately), he'll either notice and stop taking you for granted, or he won't. If he does, then, good, keep it up (and if you do marry him, keep it up 25 years from now). If he doesn't, then keep moving in the other direction. Build a life for yourself.
I know you don't want to hear this, but you're young. And I'm afraid that if you twist this guy's arm, and he marries you, you'll be a fat old woman in a sweatsuit by the tender age of 30. I'm afraid that you'll be doing all the work around the house, shuttling kids around to soccer and helping them with their homework, while he continues to do what he always did: what he wants.
As far as living together goes, you're right. It's not a commitment, and that would be fine if you were both happy with that. But you're not. So do not move in with him(but if you decide to disregard my advice on this score, make sure you clear up who's going to cook on which nights. In other words, you're not to become anybody's maid).
Please do not let the image of yourself in a Vera Wang dress cloud your judgment. Repeat after me: A wedding lasts just a few hours. A marriage to the wrong guy could mean a lifetime of misery.
Don't believe me? Head to a family restaurant on a Friday night. Check out all the unhappily married couples who talk to their children but not to each other.
I hope this helps.
Terry
Friday, October 28, 2005
How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams
Listed my ebook on a cool new directory.
Want to save $19.97 on the ebook? Sign up for my free teleclass, scheduled for this coming Tuesday, November 1st at 7PM/EST. I'll cram all the secrets to attracting the right man I can into a 60-minute session.
Drop me an email now at terry@marrysmart.com. Seats are going fast!
Want to save $19.97 on the ebook? Sign up for my free teleclass, scheduled for this coming Tuesday, November 1st at 7PM/EST. I'll cram all the secrets to attracting the right man I can into a 60-minute session.
Drop me an email now at terry@marrysmart.com. Seats are going fast!
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Get Him to Commit?
Hi, Terry-
This is my first time to your site, and I think your advice is wonderful. Give me your honest advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. We don't live together, but he sleeps at my place at least 6 nights a week, and we have a 2-year- old son. Recently, I asked him where our relationship was going, and after a day of silence, his answer was, "I don't want to live together, and I don't want to get married."
We had a huge fight and didn't speak for three weeks. Now he is all loving, and "I miss you, and I don't want us to break up," but after so many years, I am ready for a commitment, and he doesn't want to commit. I spent a long time loving and caring for him, and I think it's clouding my better judgment. I feel confused when I don't think I should be. Any help?
-Confused
Hello, Confused-
Thanks for the compliment.
You obviously have a lot invested in this relationship because you've been in it for six years, and you have a little boy with the man. So it had to be painful when the guy stonewalled you on the subject of commitment, and then had a huge fight about it.
It doesn't seem fair that he sits on your couch, uses your electricity and your phone, consumes the food you buy, and takes up space in your bed six nights a week, only to flip out when you ask him where the relationship is going.
You say that you spent a lot of time loving and caring for him. Now, let me ask you, has he spent a lot of time loving and caring for you?
Are you satisfied with the relationship?
How do you feel when he's with you?
How do you feel when he's away (confident and secure of your place with him, or scared that he's with someone else)?
How does he care for your child? (Does he share responsibilities with you, or are they your problem?)
If he committed to you, what would that mean? (Would he treat you the way you deserve to be treated, or would you always be fighting for his attention?)
If he doesn't commit to you, what would that mean? (Would you be willing to get over him, spend time giving yourself the love and care you once gave him, and ultimately moving on to another relationship?)
When a man refuses to give you a commitment, there's the possibility that he's doing you a favor. Is he?
I don't have the answers to any of these questions, but you do.
I definitely respect your decision to hold out for what you want, but since he's "all loving" all of a sudden, it's probably getting harder to say no to him. But stick to your guns. He's going to be part of your life because he's the father of your son, but, if he remains unwilling to give you the commitment you want, then he shouldn't be allowed to spend the night at your house, eat your food, or watch your TV.
I hope this helps.
Terry
This is my first time to your site, and I think your advice is wonderful. Give me your honest advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. We don't live together, but he sleeps at my place at least 6 nights a week, and we have a 2-year- old son. Recently, I asked him where our relationship was going, and after a day of silence, his answer was, "I don't want to live together, and I don't want to get married."
We had a huge fight and didn't speak for three weeks. Now he is all loving, and "I miss you, and I don't want us to break up," but after so many years, I am ready for a commitment, and he doesn't want to commit. I spent a long time loving and caring for him, and I think it's clouding my better judgment. I feel confused when I don't think I should be. Any help?
-Confused
Hello, Confused-
Thanks for the compliment.
You obviously have a lot invested in this relationship because you've been in it for six years, and you have a little boy with the man. So it had to be painful when the guy stonewalled you on the subject of commitment, and then had a huge fight about it.
It doesn't seem fair that he sits on your couch, uses your electricity and your phone, consumes the food you buy, and takes up space in your bed six nights a week, only to flip out when you ask him where the relationship is going.
You say that you spent a lot of time loving and caring for him. Now, let me ask you, has he spent a lot of time loving and caring for you?
Are you satisfied with the relationship?
How do you feel when he's with you?
How do you feel when he's away (confident and secure of your place with him, or scared that he's with someone else)?
How does he care for your child? (Does he share responsibilities with you, or are they your problem?)
If he committed to you, what would that mean? (Would he treat you the way you deserve to be treated, or would you always be fighting for his attention?)
If he doesn't commit to you, what would that mean? (Would you be willing to get over him, spend time giving yourself the love and care you once gave him, and ultimately moving on to another relationship?)
When a man refuses to give you a commitment, there's the possibility that he's doing you a favor. Is he?
I don't have the answers to any of these questions, but you do.
I definitely respect your decision to hold out for what you want, but since he's "all loving" all of a sudden, it's probably getting harder to say no to him. But stick to your guns. He's going to be part of your life because he's the father of your son, but, if he remains unwilling to give you the commitment you want, then he shouldn't be allowed to spend the night at your house, eat your food, or watch your TV.
I hope this helps.
Terry
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Please Stop Reproducing
Rod Stewart, I'm talking to you.
You've already spawned offspring with Alana Hamilton, Kelly Emberg, Rachel Hunter, and they're just the women we know about. Now your latest girlfriend is pregnant, too.
Yuck.
Does she squeeze her eyes shut during sex? I would. Damn, Man, you're 60 years old!
You've already spawned offspring with Alana Hamilton, Kelly Emberg, Rachel Hunter, and they're just the women we know about. Now your latest girlfriend is pregnant, too.
Yuck.
Does she squeeze her eyes shut during sex? I would. Damn, Man, you're 60 years old!
Monday, October 17, 2005
You're No Paris Hilton
Dear Terry,
I met a man a couple of months ago, and we liked one another. Problem is, I live in the USA, and he lives in France. He asked me for pictures so, I sent him some nice photos of myself.
But this isn't what he wanted. One night while we were IMing each other, he said he had something to show me and sent me a naked picture of himself. I was taken aback for a moment.
The next day he e-mails me, telling me to send him nude pictures of myself. He says he "wants to know all of me." I was polite, but I told him I don't do that kind of thing. When the time is right, he will see me. But not on a screen.
He kept insisting, "If you love me, you will do this." I feel it is emotional blackmail. I told him I respect myself. If it meant not seeing him again then, so be it. He let up on me. Now he is starting the same old story. If I have to hear his reasoning one more time, I will scream!
Why does he insist? Is he mad? Maybe he wants to make sure he is getting "Miss Perfect." If I'm not perfect, then he will go away. Please advise me. I am tired of this. If he wants to be with me, then he must respect me.
I haven't e-mailed him as much. He wants to know what is wrong with me. I don't want to keep going over this subject. Thank you for listening. Help me?
-No Nude Is Good Nude
Hello, No Nude-
Whatever you do, do not--I repeat--do not send Henri naked pictures of yourself. Your instincts are right. Think about it: What if you were to email him the pictures, and he were to get mad at you about something? What might he do with those photos then? Blackmail you with them? Your image could be all over the Internet.
You're also right to take a statement as lame as, "If you loved me, you will do this," as a warning sign. If he loved you, he'd respect your feelings about the matter and let it drop.
I have serious reservations about this fellow. I really admire you for standing up to him, though, and I encourage you to stick to your guns. The next time somebody says, "If you loved me, you'd....," you can answer, "I guess you're right. I don't love you."
You can do better than this clown.
To your happily ever after,
Terry
I met a man a couple of months ago, and we liked one another. Problem is, I live in the USA, and he lives in France. He asked me for pictures so, I sent him some nice photos of myself.
But this isn't what he wanted. One night while we were IMing each other, he said he had something to show me and sent me a naked picture of himself. I was taken aback for a moment.
The next day he e-mails me, telling me to send him nude pictures of myself. He says he "wants to know all of me." I was polite, but I told him I don't do that kind of thing. When the time is right, he will see me. But not on a screen.
He kept insisting, "If you love me, you will do this." I feel it is emotional blackmail. I told him I respect myself. If it meant not seeing him again then, so be it. He let up on me. Now he is starting the same old story. If I have to hear his reasoning one more time, I will scream!
Why does he insist? Is he mad? Maybe he wants to make sure he is getting "Miss Perfect." If I'm not perfect, then he will go away. Please advise me. I am tired of this. If he wants to be with me, then he must respect me.
I haven't e-mailed him as much. He wants to know what is wrong with me. I don't want to keep going over this subject. Thank you for listening. Help me?
-No Nude Is Good Nude
Hello, No Nude-
Whatever you do, do not--I repeat--do not send Henri naked pictures of yourself. Your instincts are right. Think about it: What if you were to email him the pictures, and he were to get mad at you about something? What might he do with those photos then? Blackmail you with them? Your image could be all over the Internet.
You're also right to take a statement as lame as, "If you loved me, you will do this," as a warning sign. If he loved you, he'd respect your feelings about the matter and let it drop.
I have serious reservations about this fellow. I really admire you for standing up to him, though, and I encourage you to stick to your guns. The next time somebody says, "If you loved me, you'd....," you can answer, "I guess you're right. I don't love you."
You can do better than this clown.
To your happily ever after,
Terry
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Where Are You, Jon Stewart?
Come back to us, Jon! Your country needs you!
We've gotten six days of pelting rain to make up for the zero days we got over the summer. Connecticut's flooding, New Jersey's flooding, and Long Islanders are suffering massive power outages.
I tried to write acknowledgements to the people who sent flowers and attended my mother's wake, but my fingers are so cold I couldn't write (they're not having much luck typing, either). I probably should have sent acknowlegements earlier, but I wasn't up to it, you know? And the woman hasn't been dead two months yet, so perhaps Emily Post will forgive me.
As for the cold, I suppose I could turn on the heat in here, but I won't. Oil companies are showing record profits; I refuse to participate for as long as I can. I really feel for people who can't afford to heat their homes this winter.
We've gotten six days of pelting rain to make up for the zero days we got over the summer. Connecticut's flooding, New Jersey's flooding, and Long Islanders are suffering massive power outages.
I tried to write acknowledgements to the people who sent flowers and attended my mother's wake, but my fingers are so cold I couldn't write (they're not having much luck typing, either). I probably should have sent acknowlegements earlier, but I wasn't up to it, you know? And the woman hasn't been dead two months yet, so perhaps Emily Post will forgive me.
As for the cold, I suppose I could turn on the heat in here, but I won't. Oil companies are showing record profits; I refuse to participate for as long as I can. I really feel for people who can't afford to heat their homes this winter.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Falling in Love, Not on Your Head
Dear Terry-
I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of two and a half years almost three years ago now. We broke up because we were too young and needed time to grow. Although we have tried on numerous occasions to get back together, it has never been successful. We've both had other partners since, but we haven't been happy.
Now he has once again come back to me asking me to try again. I love him more than the world itself, and we get on great but there are a few things I don't understand.
1) Why now after three years?
2) Why is it that if he really loves me does he not ring every day?
3) Does he mean it this time?
How do you answer without saying no, but without getting your heart broken all over again? Plus, he says he can't talk to other women. Does that make me a woman of convenience?
We come from two different worlds, as well; he's a party animal, and I'm a bit more quiet. I prefer to enjoy a night with close friends, rather than go out to a busy night club.
-English Tenderheart
Hello, Tender-
You love him, but you're afraid of being hurt. That seems pretty human to me. Even if you didn't have a history with this guy, you'd be afraid of having your heart broken. The rotten thing about embarking on a relationship is that it requires you to make yourself vulnerable.
That said, you can ease your fear a bit by asking this fellow exactly what you asked me. Why doesn't he call every day if he's so crazy about you? He may have a good reason (maybe he's afraid of making himself vulnerable, too, or maybe it's a case of actions not matching up with words). Why does he want you back after three years? Only he can say, so ask him and look him in the eye when he answers. You're both a couple of years older. Is he willing to spend more quiet nights at home these days? If not, how will you feel about it?
Now, if you're afraid that you're a "woman of convenience," the answer here is not to be too convenient. See him (if, after asking the previous questions, you decide he's worth it), but you don't have to see him every day. Keep yourself busy. Continue to see your friends and, whatever you do, never break a date with a friend to be with him (unless, of course, you get a call that he's been rushed to the hospital).
To your happily ever,
Terry
I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of two and a half years almost three years ago now. We broke up because we were too young and needed time to grow. Although we have tried on numerous occasions to get back together, it has never been successful. We've both had other partners since, but we haven't been happy.
Now he has once again come back to me asking me to try again. I love him more than the world itself, and we get on great but there are a few things I don't understand.
1) Why now after three years?
2) Why is it that if he really loves me does he not ring every day?
3) Does he mean it this time?
How do you answer without saying no, but without getting your heart broken all over again? Plus, he says he can't talk to other women. Does that make me a woman of convenience?
We come from two different worlds, as well; he's a party animal, and I'm a bit more quiet. I prefer to enjoy a night with close friends, rather than go out to a busy night club.
-English Tenderheart
Hello, Tender-
You love him, but you're afraid of being hurt. That seems pretty human to me. Even if you didn't have a history with this guy, you'd be afraid of having your heart broken. The rotten thing about embarking on a relationship is that it requires you to make yourself vulnerable.
That said, you can ease your fear a bit by asking this fellow exactly what you asked me. Why doesn't he call every day if he's so crazy about you? He may have a good reason (maybe he's afraid of making himself vulnerable, too, or maybe it's a case of actions not matching up with words). Why does he want you back after three years? Only he can say, so ask him and look him in the eye when he answers. You're both a couple of years older. Is he willing to spend more quiet nights at home these days? If not, how will you feel about it?
Now, if you're afraid that you're a "woman of convenience," the answer here is not to be too convenient. See him (if, after asking the previous questions, you decide he's worth it), but you don't have to see him every day. Keep yourself busy. Continue to see your friends and, whatever you do, never break a date with a friend to be with him (unless, of course, you get a call that he's been rushed to the hospital).
To your happily ever,
Terry
Friday, October 07, 2005
The Year in Dating Advice
Dear Terry,
I really enjoy the Attracting True Love emails that
you send on a regular basis. I have been saving each
and everyone of them. I deleted them by mistake.
Would it be possible to receive past emails that
you sent your readers this year?
-Hit the Wrong Button
Dear Hit-
Whew! Had to send them one by one, but the ezines are on their way to your inbox. Thanks for the very kind words.
Anybody else who'd like to sign up for future issues of Attracting True Love (the subscription is free), sign up now!
I really enjoy the Attracting True Love emails that
you send on a regular basis. I have been saving each
and everyone of them. I deleted them by mistake.
Would it be possible to receive past emails that
you sent your readers this year?
-Hit the Wrong Button
Dear Hit-
Whew! Had to send them one by one, but the ezines are on their way to your inbox. Thanks for the very kind words.
Anybody else who'd like to sign up for future issues of Attracting True Love (the subscription is free), sign up now!
Now I Know How Joan of Arc Felt
Just discovered this Yahoo 1980s radio station (and for the slow people in the crowd...), and what comes on but "Big Mouth" by The Smiths. I love the freaking Smiths. Saw them on the Pier in New York in 1986. The band came on over an hour late, and Morrisey was in a rotten mood, but hey, it was a great show nonetheless.
Oh! Oh! Here comes "Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction. Heaven on a rainy Friday afternoon!
Oh! Oh! Here comes "Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction. Heaven on a rainy Friday afternoon!
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Demi, Ashton, Donald, Melania, Tom, Katie
Interesting that, according to TV talking heads, Demi Moore robbed the cradle by marrying a man 15 years her junior, yet 60-year-old Donald Trump announces that he and his 35-year-old wife are going to have a baby, and nobody makes a peep.
Melania must have an excellent sense of humor. Can you imagine banging Donald Trump? Imagine what that flap of hair of his is doing while he's heaving away (sorry for the visual, but it's been keeping me up at night).
I think it was yesterday that Jon Stewart told me that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have a bun in the oven. He did this hilarous bit about Tom's penis leaping off the couch to impregnate Katie. Subsequent talking heads took snipes at Tom being a "43-year-old parent," like the guy has one foot in the grave.
Tom Cruise does carry on like a nut job, so it's fine if Jon Stewart portrays him as such. What I don't get is why the rest of the media keep playing on his--and Demi's--so-called advanced age. Why do people like Mick Jagger (who reportedly travels the globe hitting on young women), Jack Nicholson (who famously dated much-younger Lara Flynn Boyle), and Michael Douglas (who has two children with a woman exactly 25 years his junior) get a free pass?
It's stupid.
Melania must have an excellent sense of humor. Can you imagine banging Donald Trump? Imagine what that flap of hair of his is doing while he's heaving away (sorry for the visual, but it's been keeping me up at night).
I think it was yesterday that Jon Stewart told me that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have a bun in the oven. He did this hilarous bit about Tom's penis leaping off the couch to impregnate Katie. Subsequent talking heads took snipes at Tom being a "43-year-old parent," like the guy has one foot in the grave.
Tom Cruise does carry on like a nut job, so it's fine if Jon Stewart portrays him as such. What I don't get is why the rest of the media keep playing on his--and Demi's--so-called advanced age. Why do people like Mick Jagger (who reportedly travels the globe hitting on young women), Jack Nicholson (who famously dated much-younger Lara Flynn Boyle), and Michael Douglas (who has two children with a woman exactly 25 years his junior) get a free pass?
It's stupid.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
From the Mailbag...
Found some interesting stuff in the inbox this week. Here's a sampling:
Terry-
I don't know too many people in any type of business who would take the time to write such a personal response. I think what you are doing is great and a service to many single women. I feel so fortunate to have found your website, because you remind me of myself in so many ways, especially in your viewpoints and background. I saw your beautiful picture, and we even resemble each other in a way(I have red hair too). Hell, I'm damn proud of being Irish, and we are a beautiful people!
-A Fetching Fan of the Cleveland Indians
Funny, I don't remember mentioning being Irish. Is it that obvious? Your lovely comments will keep me warm all winter.
Dear Terry-
I just love all your advice because it's all so true, and it works. Thanks.
-A Lovely Lass from England
Letters like this one make my day. Unfortunately, not everyone's so generous.
Terry-
From your website you look like a prissy bitch who sits at home all day and lets her cats piss all over the house while your hard working husband shleps to work. Now that he does the laundry, maybe you can get him sanitary napkins so he can fulfill your role and you can be the man you always wanted to be. Go back to Long Island you phony bitch.
-A Douchbag in Connecticut
Have you seen my husband? Well, I've seen you (your real name came up on your email, Dimwit). He could mash you like a potato and eat you for lunch. Get help and learn how to punctuate.
Terry-
I don't know too many people in any type of business who would take the time to write such a personal response. I think what you are doing is great and a service to many single women. I feel so fortunate to have found your website, because you remind me of myself in so many ways, especially in your viewpoints and background. I saw your beautiful picture, and we even resemble each other in a way(I have red hair too). Hell, I'm damn proud of being Irish, and we are a beautiful people!
-A Fetching Fan of the Cleveland Indians
Funny, I don't remember mentioning being Irish. Is it that obvious? Your lovely comments will keep me warm all winter.
Dear Terry-
I just love all your advice because it's all so true, and it works. Thanks.
-A Lovely Lass from England
Letters like this one make my day. Unfortunately, not everyone's so generous.
Terry-
From your website you look like a prissy bitch who sits at home all day and lets her cats piss all over the house while your hard working husband shleps to work. Now that he does the laundry, maybe you can get him sanitary napkins so he can fulfill your role and you can be the man you always wanted to be. Go back to Long Island you phony bitch.
-A Douchbag in Connecticut
Have you seen my husband? Well, I've seen you (your real name came up on your email, Dimwit). He could mash you like a potato and eat you for lunch. Get help and learn how to punctuate.
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