Demi, Ashton, Donald, Melania, Tom, Katie

Interesting that, according to TV talking heads, Demi Moore robbed the cradle by marrying a man 15 years her junior, yet 60-year-old Donald Trump announces that he and his 35-year-old wife are going to have a baby, and nobody makes a peep.

Melania must have an excellent sense of humor. Can you imagine banging Donald Trump? Imagine what that flap of hair of his is doing while he's heaving away (sorry for the visual, but it's been keeping me up at night).

I think it was yesterday that Jon Stewart told me that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have a bun in the oven. He did this hilarous bit about Tom's penis leaping off the couch to impregnate Katie. Subsequent talking heads took snipes at Tom being a "43-year-old parent," like the guy has one foot in the grave.

Tom Cruise does carry on like a nut job, so it's fine if Jon Stewart portrays him as such. What I don't get is why the rest of the media keep playing on his--and Demi's--so-called advanced age. Why do people like Mick Jagger (who reportedly travels the globe hitting on young women), Jack Nicholson (who famously dated much-younger Lara Flynn Boyle), and Michael Douglas (who has two children with a woman exactly 25 years his junior) get a free pass?

It's stupid.

From the Mailbag...

Found some interesting stuff in the inbox this week. Here's a sampling:

Terry-

I don't know too many people in any type of business who would take the time to write such a personal response. I think what you are doing is great and a service to many single women. I feel so fortunate to have found your website, because you remind me of myself in so many ways, especially in your viewpoints and background. I saw your beautiful picture, and we even resemble each other in a way(I have red hair too). Hell, I'm damn proud of being Irish, and we are a beautiful people!

-A Fetching Fan of the Cleveland Indians

Funny, I don't remember mentioning being Irish. Is it that obvious? Your lovely comments will keep me warm all winter.

Dear Terry-

I just love all your advice because it's all so true, and it works. Thanks.

-A Lovely Lass from England

Letters like this one make my day. Unfortunately, not everyone's so generous.

Terry-

From your website you look like a prissy bitch who sits at home all day and lets her cats piss all over the house while your hard working husband shleps to work. Now that he does the laundry, maybe you can get him sanitary napkins so he can fulfill your role and you can be the man you always wanted to be. Go back to Long Island you phony bitch.

-A Douchbag in Connecticut

Have you seen my husband? Well, I've seen you (your real name came up on your email, Dimwit). He could mash you like a potato and eat you for lunch. Get help and learn how to punctuate.

Free Teleclass: Attract the Man of Your Dreams!

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Do you dream of getting married to an honest, loyal, loving, successful, fun man but wind up with men who disappoint you?

Would you like to meet a considerate, exciting man who makes your happiness his first priority?

Then join me for a free one-hour teleclass on Tuesday, October 11 at 7PM/EST. I'll teach you the techniques (not tricks!) that work. The teleclass is free (your long-distance rates will still apply), but seats are limited. Write to terry@marrysmart.com to register.

This offer may not be repeated again!

Rubbing it In

At the gas station today, a man asked me if I was "rubbing it in" because I'm still driving around with a Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker.

Well, kind of.

Terrible news about Kate Moss losing three modeling contracts due to cocaine use. This guy she's dating, the unhygenic-looking singer from the Babyshambles, is, according to last month's Vanity Fair, wrecking the woman's life. Here's a lesson for you, Girls: Stay away from druggies.

I really like Kate Moss, as far as models go. The Burberry ads won't be the same without her.

I'm supposed to be putting together a synopsis for my novel. In order to avoid this, I did a little Christmas shopping this morning. I don't think I've ever gone Christmas shopping in September before.

Are You a Romantic?

I saw Bride and Prejudice today, and it made my heart glad. If you have a chance, see it!

Will lend my copy to my amazing friend, V.

My Lipstick is Trying to Kill Me!

My lovely friend, V, sent me a link to a site that tells you what the ingredients in household cleaners and cosmetics are doing to your body. While looking into lipstick, I discovered that my brand (my brand!) contains at least two hydrogenated oils.

I have been known to spend 45 minutes in the soup aisle reading labels to avoid hydrogenated oils (they've been linked to cancer, MS, heart attack, you name it; even the FDA says there's no acceptable level for ingestion). I've sidestepped every cookie-wielding Girl Scout who's crossed my path since those little green goblins allowed hydrogenated oils into their famous confections.

And here I am eating hydrogenated oil every single day of my life through my lipstick! I don't even go out for the mail unless I'm wearing lipstick! I'm doomed!

He Won't Commit

Hi, Terry-

I've been dating a guy for almost five months now. We knew each other before we started dating - while we were both dating other people. A couple of weeks after I broke up with my ex he broke up with his ex. He then asked me out only about a week later. Before we ever started dating, I always talked to my neighbors, including him, about my guy troubles. We had many conversations about why I was gonna break up with my ex and what I wanted from a guy. He would then point to himself and say that he was all of those things that I wanted.

I've been dating him since May. He is the most considerate, attentive, thoughtful guy I've ever dated. My question is at what point should I expect to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend? He asked me to be patient with him because as he says, "I'm not ready to admit it, but I really like you A LOT." I'm not dating anyone else, and he knows it, and I don't believe he's dating anyone else either.

It makes me feel very insecure. In my experience, I would wait for what I wanted and would never get it. I was way too patient. I'd stay in long-term relationships forever. I'm 34 and am not willing to do that anymore. (He's 31.) I just don't want to jump the gun now and do the opposite of what I've always done for no good reason.

We've touched on the subject a couple of times, and he's just admitted that he's basically afraid of a commitment so soon after leaving his ex.

Any opinions?

-Gotta Have Him

Dear Gotta-

I'm full of opinions.

You like him, he likes you, but he's afraid to define it. I can't say I blame him since he's just broken up with his ex, and you just broke up with yours. Getting involved with a new person is scary for so many different reasons. Hey, we've all been there.

I'm not going to tell you to wait around forever, but I don't think you should push the issue, either. He's not ready to commit. Accept that. See him when you see him, but don't be available all the time. If he calls you, call him back, but I wouldn't call him too often. (I know this is easier said than done, but it must be done.)

It helps (and it's attractive) to give him a little space (and I would suggest he give you space if it were he who wrote to me about you), so that he can better define his feelings. Don't play games with him, but he doesn't need to know your every move. Give him a chance to miss you.

Go out with your friends (if you don't have any, make some), and don't always include him in your plans. People with full, happy lives are a turn-on. In the end, if it's meant to be with this particular guy, it'll be, but if you push him to hard, you'll turn him off. That'll end it.

Put yourself in his place: Imagine dating a guy you really like but aren't sure of yet. He calls you 3 times a day, gives you a hard time when you go out with your friends (I'm not suggesting you do any of these things, but you get the picture), and so on. It's a turn off.

Go about your life, and please stop talking to your neighbors about your man problems. They only make you look like a sad sack, most importantly to yourself. Change your self-image. Tell yourself you're young, attractive, and desirable. Repeat. Repeat again.

Act accordingly.

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Querying an Agent

I've finished checking emails, taking lessons from Martha Stewart on how to fold a T-shirt (for the second time in three days), and reading the free weeklies lying about the place.

I actually sat down and drafted the query for my novel. Of course I was terrified; just put something down, I told myself. Anything. Move your fingers. The result (and it's just a first draft) isn't bad. At least I don't think it's bad.

Send your good thoughts and prayers my way, if you're so inclined. Time to clean this house; my mother-in-law is back from Nova Scotia and will conduct an inspection some time this evening.

Your Help Don't Cost a Thing

Received a missive from Equality Now asking me to write to Pakistani officials to see that a man, who raped a woman by the name of Dr. Shazia, is prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

As I write, the slug still crawls freely along Pakistani streets, while his victim fends off death threats (from her husband's family, who feel her rape has dishonored them, and from certain factions of the government). Equality Now also asked me to email Canadian authorities to give Dr. Shazia, her husband, and son asylum.

You can dash off two emails to help her, too.

It'll just take you a minute or two. You'll be so glad you did.

The Plot Thickens

This letter is a continuation of the story from In the Dark in Canada, whose situation we first addressed yesterday.


Dearest Terry-

The man moved downstairs this weekend, and it just left me rocked. I found myself going into his old room just to be near his smell and vibes, and now he's gone. I really love this guy.

Yes, I know if you look at the details, he looks really bad, but he used to never want to be apart from me. How do you know when to give up on a relationship?

I have been abused a few times, but this man was more than not an abuser. He was my best friend. I've hurt him deeply. I hurt my back at work three years ago and began to abuse painkillers. I went into rehab. He missed me so much that he wanted me to leave the program and come home. This is where it gets gray because I really felt he was being selfish and questioned whether it was love asking me to come home, or something else. I began to question our relationship.

I met a guy at one of the meetings who left me with that "tingly" feeling. There was very little to do at rehab, and I like to write. I wrote a little about him, and then started asking questions like "What am I thinking?" and "Affair?" As I wrote the word "affair" down, I had a strong feeling that was the wrong thing to do.

I left the program early so I could work out my relationship with my guy. He found the piece of paper! (I should've thrown it out because it was garbage.) He walked out on me, heartbroken. His feelings for were tainted. Can a man get over this kind of thing? He's treating me like I cheated on him, but I feel like he read my diary.

Got any more advice?

-Still Dark in Canada

Hello, there-

Okay, so now I know more of the story.

I'm no psychologist, but seems to me that this man had some trust issues, despite the fact that you'd happily been together for several years. I'm not quite sure why he didn't want you to continue with rehab. You needed help. He should have helped you get it.

Now, when he found the piece of paper, had he been snooping or did you leave it in a conspicuous place? Because if he was snooping,that indicates lack of trust as well. But if you left it lying around, perhaps subconsciously you wanted him to know you were attracted to another person. I don't mean you deliberately set out to hurt him, but sometimes we do things to sabotage ourselves without even thinking about it.

So, he found out about this attraction, and now he doesn't trust you. I guess you have to put yourself in his place: How would you feel if you found out he was considering an affair with another woman?

In other words, what would he have to do to win back your trust? Could he? I would think less about him being a man whose mind you have to change, and more about him as another human being whose trust you want to earn back.

But, before you do that, think about this attraction you harbored for another man. Even though you didn't have the affair, it was a possibility for you. This is what's getting the guy. You didn't do it this time, but you might another time. From his perspective, that's a scary proposition.

Just because you move into a house with a guy doesn't mean all the other attractive men in the world will slide off the planet. Temptation abounds. He needs to know that you're big enough to handle it.

If you think you are, then by all means, tell this guy what you told me: Yes, you were attracted to another man, you considered an affair, but didn't go through with it because you knew it was wrong. Tell him you love him.

Then, go back upstairs and back to your own life. Take good care of yourself and your boys. Your guy may need time to think things out in the privacy of his own space, or he may have already made his decision. He may come back, or he may not. Respect his decision and move on.

Before you talk to him, though, consider whether he ever really trusted you from the very beginning. It's hard to build a house on quick sand, you know. And it still bothers me that he took it out on your boys. None of this was ever their fault.

Terry

Scrape Him From Your Life Like a Bush/Cheney Bumper Sticker

Dearest Terry,

I'm 36 years old with two boys, 13 and 15, from my first marriage. I've now been married twice and had basically five failed relationships in 21 years. This last one was 4 years. It seemed like one of the better ones, as he never raised his voice or his fist, worked steady, had a good sense of humor, but some things were not right.

He never wanted to go anywhere and hung out in the bedroom all the time with the TV and the computer. Basically, he ignored the kids. He would never help me out around the house we bought a year and a half ago. He would complain if I asked him for anything. I was unhappy in a lot of ways. I could not pull a compliment out of him, and if I cooked him a nice dinner, I would have to ask him if he liked it, if you know what I mean (like one of your comments on your blog "if you have to get the guy to marry you you'll have to get the guy to do stuff for the rest of your life).

Now he wants out. I really loved and trusted this man, believed him that the life we were building together was forever blah blah blah. Now I have my two kids, two dogs, two cats and I have to sell my house I have wanted so badly and tear everything apart.

I am stuck in the same house with him because we cannot afford to move apart until we sell it. Judging by how little he has done in the past, I can't see him moving too quickly on this.

He is staying in the bedroom beside me and acts like I don't exist. He doesn't talk to me unless absolutely necessary. He would rather hang out with the tenant that he dislikes than me. Now all of a sudden he has a newfound social life that doesn't include me (obviously).

He went to visit his mom for six days, and that time was quite glorious. I really felt that I could move on without him. Now that he's been back, I'm starting to feel upset about the breakup again and wishing we could work it out. I don't want to be dumped. I don't want to let my "baby" go. I don't want turn my life and my kids' life upside down.

We agreed he would move into the suite downstairs; that would make him self sufficient, and I wouldn't have to see him constantly. But he hasn't made the effort to move. Is there any point in trying for the umpteenth time to ask him if he'd give us another chance? On top of all this I lost my job of five years three days ago. I don't have it in me to tell him. He already thinks I'm a loser if he's dumping me-- this will just confirm it.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I find real happiness? Can this be salvaged, or am I even an idiot for wishing so? I really feel like I'm in hell. Got any advice?

- In the Dark in Canada

Dear In the Dark-

Do I have any advice for you? Where do I start?

First off, stop thinking of yourself as a loser. Immediately. You're not a loser. You've made a bad choice in letting this guy jerk you around, but that doesn't make you a loser.

Your description of him scared me a bit: You said he "seemed like one of the better ones, he never raised his voice or his fist, worked steady." The fact that he never raised his fist doesn't make him a decent man! It merely means that he may not be a terrible one. What I'm getting from this statement is that you have a history of dating abusers and men who can't hold a job. Come on! You have to set your standards higher than this.

Now, this guy wants out of the relationship. Well, good for him. The sooner you stop "looking after him," perhaps the sooner he'll move into the suite downstairs. If you're still cooking for him, doing his laundry, packing his lunch, it's time to stop. Indeed, if you were both working and contributed to the purchase of your house, it was never your responsibility to do it anyway.

It seems that he does very little for you (and why should he? You have been quite willing to do everything). I've read your letter at least five times, and I'm still trying to figure out what you ever got out of this relationship.

Let's put things in perspective:

1) He doesn't help around the house
2) He never wants to go anywhere
3) He ignores your children
4) You make a nice dinner, and he doesn't thank you for it
5) He doesn't talk to you and pretends you don't exist
6) He has a social life that doesn't include you

You mentioned that he went to visit his mother for a while, and you found the time away from him "glorious" (not "miserable," "tolerable," or "just okay"). You actually used the word "glorious." Glorious! So, where is the conflict here? Get rid of this loser (yes, he's the loser. Not you).

You also mention that you don't want to "get dumped." Why? The guy is doing you a favor. What? Are you afraid your neighbors will think you're damaged goods? Undesirable? Put back on the shelf? A sad old maid? Who cares! Chances are, the ones trapped in their own miserable relationships will envy you your freedom.

I also have to wonder how letting this individual continue to share your home affects your sons. His sorry behavior toward you teaches them that they can disrespect women and still get what they want. And his rejection of them has to be damaging their self-esteem.

Do all you can to encourage this guy to move downstairs: Inform him that he will no longer be living with you and your children. He'll have to manage his own meals. He is no longer welcome in your part of the house.

Once you successfully dislodge this person, it's time to start treating yourself like your own best boyfriend. You must learn to love yourself and enjoy your own company before you can ever hope to attract a man who'll do the same (read this sentence again, please). Money may be tight, but that doesn't mean you can't cook yourself a delightful meal, or buy yourself flowers once in a while. In other words, treat yourself as the most perfect man in the world would.

If friends, coworkers, relatives bring you down about not having a guy, it may be time to phase those people out of your life, as well. You may want to join a reading group at the library (or some other free activity) to make new friends. But you're not to date any of them until you've had time to learn to like being alone!

Spend time with your boys. Have fun with them! By loving yourself and taking care of yourself, you give them a gift. Whatever you do, don't feel guilty because there is no longer a man in their life. The man you're trying to unstick yourself from never really was.

I wish you the best of everything. You deserve it.

To your happily ever after,
Terry

P.S. When you look for a new job, please set your standards reasonably high: You need money, for sure, but you also want to work in a place where they pay you well and treat you with respect.

Another Reason to Book That Vacation

On August 30, I told you how Ellen Schultz will donate a percentage of her commission when you book your next vacation through her website. Well, as you know, things have gone awry in a certain part of this country since then, so Ellen has switched gears.

She'll donate her commissions from now until the end of 2005 to the American Red Cross for the benefit of the victims of Hurricane Katrina. You can book tours, cruises, and flights through Ellen's site, and you can buy travel insurance through it, too.

Got the itch to see Tuscany? London? How about a Hawaiian cruise? New England in the Fall?

Check out Ellen's site and go for it.

Clueless Quote of the Week

"What I’m hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality.... And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them."

- Barbara Bush, mother of the President of the United States, observing the mulitude of newly homeless families living it up in the Houston Astrodome.

He Left His Wife--- Now What?

Terry,

I fell for a man twice my age, who is married. I decided that he was a no-go, as my parents wouldn't approve. Secondly, he has children my age (21).

However, to my suprise he has left his wife. What do I do now?

-Baffled



Okay, Baffled-

He's left his wife. Ask yourself:

1. Is there any chance he'll go back to her?

2. How do you feel about dating a man his age? How would you feel about it 20 years from now?

3. If things progress, how would you feel about being a stepmother to people your own age?

4. Do you love him (or like him enough to find out if you could)?

5. Do you think he is capable of being faithful to you?

6. Since your parents' opinions matter, will they approve of your having a relationship with an older, divorced man with children?

Only you know can answer these questions. Proceed accordingly.

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Her Long-Distance Relationship

Hi Terry,

Two years ago I met a wonderful guy, but I was going through a phase and things didn't work out. Destiny seems to have put us together again, although now he lives in Montreal and I live in Mexico. He now has a job that will bring him to Mexico once every two months.

On his first trip, he was supposed to be here for a week, but he has been here for two-and-a-half and will be leaving on Monday. We've had a really wonderful time together. I really want to make this work, but I don't want to pressure him. He seems very happy too.

What is your best advice on long-distance relationships? We want this to work!

Thanks-
Out on a Limb in Mexico

Okay, Limb-

Before the man heads for the airport, tell him the truth: You care about him, and you hope to hear from him often.

Then let it go. The ball will be in his court, so let him take the initiative and contact you after he gets to Montreal. If he calls and you're not in, call him back. (If you don't hear from him, wait a few days and call to make sure he got home safely. But only call once.)

The man should definitely know that you care about him, but he should never get the sense that you're sitting by the phone waiting for him to call.

While he's away, try not to focus on him as if he's the last bus out of the depot. Make a point to do the things you love. Treat yourself well. Go out with your friends, but keep your conversation about Mr. Montreal to a minimum. Do not obsess over him.

Take comfort in this: You cannot make any relationship, long-distance or otherwise, happen. It will develop in its own time, if it's meant to be, and if you don't push it.

Have a wonderful last weekend with this fellow. When you kiss him goodbye, make sure he knows that you'll miss him. Then walk away and leave the next move up to him.

To your happily ever after,
Terry

Horror in New Orleans

Can't bear to watch any more of the suffering in that magnificent city. All that's left to do now is pray and donate to the Red Cross.

Your Next Vacation Can Save Lives

Love to travel?

A lovely woman by the name of Ellen Schultz has asked me to let you know that you can travel and raise money to help save the lives of women and children in the United States and in Africa. Book your next vacation through Ellen's new website: http://teawoman.globaltravel.com, and she'll donate a percentage of her commission to two charities.

Half of her proceeds will go to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation; the other half will benefit an African AIDS charity. She's still researching worthy AIDS charities and welcomes your suggestions (send 'em to EllenNewYork@aol.com).

Help her raise funds by doing something you might already do: Book a cruise, a tour, a flight, or buy travel insurance.

It won't cost you a penny extra, and you'll rack up excellent karma.

Rest in Peace, Ellen Marie

My mother died in her sleep, surrounded by my father, my siblings, and me, shortly after midnight on Saturday, August 20. Here's the eulogy my brother-in-law read for me at her funeral:

Ellen Marie Cummins Hernon was born on Friday, August 14th 1936. According to the plaque I had in my childhood bedroom, Friday’s child is loving and giving. That describes my mother. It’s not a good idea to make a person out to be a saint when writing her eulogy, but my mother definitely qualified as a good soul. No, she was an excellent soul. That’s not to say that she didn’t have faults, but we can talk about them later.

My mother liked people. I can’t remember a single instance when she was rude to anybody. Our kitchen in Flushing often overflowed with people of various ages, drinking instant coffee. Most of the time they were friends of mine, my sisters and brother, but they came to see our mother as much as they came to see us. Once I came home to find Mom and my brother, who was about 12 at the time, playing board games with a boy I’d known in high school but hadn’t seen in years.

My mother treasured her own friendships and enjoyed a close one with her sister, Maureen. When we were children, my mother would rattle off tales from her days at Ladycliff College until we could recite them in our sleep. The years she spent in Highland Falls were the happiest of her young life, and she made important friends there. Later on, geography and circumstances prevented her from seeing them as often as she’d like, but she continued to talk of them as if they’d just left the room.

After college, Mom became a teacher but cut short her career to raise her children. She returned to teaching many years later and made new friends who brought her great happiness. After she retired and moved to Manhattan, she became involved in the parish council of this church, which allowed her to enjoy the company of new and interesting people. Living in Manhattan also allowed Mom to meet her beloved friend and college roommate, Juliann Gill, for lunch every chance she could.

My mother’s great love was my father. One of my father’s favorite memories is of my mother walking up the aisle—all by herself—to meet him at the altar at their wedding. He had never seen a bride walk herself up the aisle before then, or since. With typical understatement, he said, “She pulled it off.”

While we were growing up, my mother had a habit of giving my father his breakfast, and then watching him walk to the bus stop from the dining room window until he was a speck in the distance. While waiting for her to scramble my egg, I found this behavior highly annoying. “Why do you do that?” I finally asked her. “Because anything could happen,” she answered. “There could be an accident, and I might never see him again.”

So, she loved in a big way, and that love extended to social causes. She was a proponent of fair trade and a passionate supporter of Amnesty International. Shortly before her illness, she marched in a peace rally in Washington. She held Native Americans in the highest regard and contributed to their causes.

Now, as I said, the woman did have a fault or two: You could always count on her to be late, for instance, which got me into trouble with teachers whenever she offered to drive me to school instead of letting me walk. She was notorious for showing up at church just behind the bride or the casket.

And, although she fiercely believed that all people were created equal, she never could understand why a person who had the benefit of a Second Grade education would use double negatives. She was forever correcting our English. And while most people would consider her highly intelligent, she could be a terrific space cadet. Lost in thought, she’d drive past exits. She’d occasionally forget to pick up one of her children. She could sit down to a meal she’d cooked and chew it for ten minutes before it dawned on her that she’d forgotten to include some important ingredient; for instance, the meat.

Here’s one of my favorite stories: When my brother was young, he developed an affinity for black light posters, the glow-in-the-dark wall hangings that proclaimed the greatness of rock bands like Led Zeppelin and The Who.

There was only one place in town where you could buy them, and that was at the head shop on Main Street. Now, the other women of our parish had mounted a campaign against this purveyor of pot-smoking paraphernalia, but that didn’t trouble our mother a bit. She and my brother set off for the head shop. A few days later, I was in a record store when a guy I went to grammar school with tapped me on the shoulder. “Terry Hernon!” he said. “I just ran into your mother in Jolly Joint!”

My mother could be howlingly funny. She had an absurd sense of humor. Very often, while setting out the tuna fish on a Friday night, she would burst into hooting laughter because something comical popped into her consciousness. But she was also wise. She liked to encourage us by saying, “It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish.” When we were tempted to do something wrong, she’d say, “Maybe nobody else will know, but you’ll know.” She insisted that the surest way to make yourself unpopular was to complain about your ailments. She died as she lived, never complaining, usually smiling, always with more concern for the other person than for herself.

Of course she was special to me; she was my mother. But I like to believe she was special to all who knew her. She wouldn’t want us to feel sorry for her, though. She would hate for anybody to be unhappy on her account. As much as we’ll miss her, this passage from Anam Cara by the Irish philosopher, John O’Donohue, offers hope:

“We do not need to grieve for the dead. Why should we grieve for them? They are now in a place where there is no more shadow, darkness, loneliness, isolation, or pain. They are home. They are with God from whom they came. They have returned to the nest of their identity within the great circle of God. God is the greatest circle of all, the largest embrace in the universe, which holds visible and invisible, temporal and eternal, as one.”

I like to think of my mother drinking coffee with the invisible, the people she loved who left the earth before she did, her mother, the aunts who helped raise her, the father who died when she was just 11 years old, the sister and brother who died before she was even born. I like to think of her having a big laugh and too much dessert for her own good with her friend, Maureen Holmes.

This is what comforts me. I hope it brings you comfort, too.

Thank you.

She's No Slut!

Dear Terry,

When is the right time to have sex with a guy, without setting yourself up to be called a slut and turning the relationship around to be all about sex? Because unfortunately this always happens to me. It kills my self-esteem!

-Baffled


Dear Baffled-

Why do you get to be the slut? Um, the guy you're with is doing the same thing you're doing; why is it wrong for you and right for him?

But to answer your question: If you're really interested in a guy, it's best not to have sex with him for a good while, until you're sure the relationship is about you and him and not about your bodies. If you have sex too soon, everything goes awry. Often, you'll find yourself obsessing about a guy you really aren't that crazy about.

Develop a friendship first. Go to movies, have dinner together, climb the Empire State Building together if you want, but don't sleep with the guy. Don't assume that you owe him anything because he's graced you with his presence on three separate occasions.

Back to my disdain for the double standard (the woman ending up with the slut label, while the guy saunters off happily in search of the next mattress): It doesn't take into account the fact that women like sex. It's all about punishing her for giving into some guy when she's really giving into her own desires.

So you have desires, and you're entitled to them. He has desires, too. But his are not more important than yours. If you end up in bed together too soon, the relationship may end before it really started, but you are no more a slut than he.

As far as your self-esteem goes, don't wrap it up in some guy. If you think sleeping with him will jeopardize the way you feel about yourself, don't do it. Treating others as they would treat you is the best way to go through life, but make sure others treat you as you would treat them.

Would you sleep with a guy and then run around and tell everybody he's a total slut? Of course you wouldn't. So, don't waste another minute on anyone you suspect would do it to you.

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Guy Wants Commitment

Hi, Terry-

I recently read your article on how to get over breakups (or being dumped) and thought perhaps you could give me some quick advice because your article was so good. I'm desperate! I have been seeing a girl for 3 years, and we lived together the past two. I am almost 23, and she is 22. Four weeks ago, we moved out. Now we live about 40 minutes away from each other, due to my changing schools and her getting a job. Looking back, I definitely see all the warning signs of something wrong while we lived together. She was often distant from me, etc.

Recently, I told her I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship because it seemed like a lot of the time I was the only one into it. I said I needed to know what her deal was. She has been at an intense 6-week training course, which has been a sleep-over thing with intensive 16-hour days for her new job(teaching). She has been even more distant, but I have kept telling myself how busy she is. That was her excuse for a while too. So I gave her the scoop on my feelings and left the ball in her court. Last Sunday, she said she needed time to think things over. She called it a "break". This "break" is essentially a breakup, but she said she wants to leave the possibility of us getting back together open. I told her this was unreasonable, as my feeling for her are still strong.

Nevertheless, I agreed to the "break" and am now wondering if I should call and demand an answer. It has been 5 days and its driving me nuts. She has just finished her 6-week course so now she has "time to think", but I wonder if this is even really necessary as it seems she has already made up her mind. I need time to heal because I need to have a clear head before school starts up again. So my question is this: Should I call and demand an answer so I can move on? Or should I wait in hopes that maybe she still wants to be with me? This "break" has a deadline of August 20th (school starts) agreed to by both of us. Help me! Should I call sooner or give her time?

-In Limbo Land Man

Hello, In Limbo-

Thanks for the nice comment about my article.

Now, about this girl...

Since you've very smartly put the ball in her court, you should definitely leave it there. It's possible that she's overwhelmed with her studies, or then she may feel that it's time to end the relationship.

Whatever it is, it'll do no good to call her up and ask her if she's made up her mind. But I also don't think you should wait around, hoping that she'll come back to you. Since you're on a break, why not use the time to do the things you couldn't while you were living with this girl? See the friends she hated, see the movies she didn't like, and so on. Fill your time with things and people you enjoy. If her face pops into your head, banish it. If someone brings up her name, say "She's fine," and change the subject.

Look at it this way: Say you're the one in the relationship who's been distant, needs time to think, and so on. What would be your reaction if she called you or insisted on an answer? Would you like that, or would it make you feel less attracted to her?

So, stay away. Let the girl come to her own conclusions. Let her wonder what you're up to.

Now, if she doesn't get ever back to you, or gives you the answer you dread, it's going to hurt, for sure. In time, you will definitely get over it (yeah, I know you don't believe me, but if you're willing you can get over almost anything).

If she decides to say goodbye, you must avoid turning her into "the one who got away." It helps to remember what you didn't like about her and remind yourself whenever you're tempted to fantasize about how great things were. The benefit of this scenario is that you'll free yourself to meet a girl who's mad about you and gives you the love and attention you need.

Now, on the other hand, absence may clarify things for this girl in another way. Maybe it will dawn on her what she's missing (because you haven't called her), and she'll make a firm and happy decision to get back together with you.

The only way to find out is to let her come to you. If she doesn't, she's done you a favor. (One thing I really admire about you is your ability to say what you feel. You didn't play games with the girl, just told her straight out you weren't getting what you need from the relationship.) You deserve a girl who's crazy about you and never lets you forget it.

Terry