Scrape Him From Your Life Like a Bush/Cheney Bumper Sticker

Dearest Terry,

I'm 36 years old with two boys, 13 and 15, from my first marriage. I've now been married twice and had basically five failed relationships in 21 years. This last one was 4 years. It seemed like one of the better ones, as he never raised his voice or his fist, worked steady, had a good sense of humor, but some things were not right.

He never wanted to go anywhere and hung out in the bedroom all the time with the TV and the computer. Basically, he ignored the kids. He would never help me out around the house we bought a year and a half ago. He would complain if I asked him for anything. I was unhappy in a lot of ways. I could not pull a compliment out of him, and if I cooked him a nice dinner, I would have to ask him if he liked it, if you know what I mean (like one of your comments on your blog "if you have to get the guy to marry you you'll have to get the guy to do stuff for the rest of your life).

Now he wants out. I really loved and trusted this man, believed him that the life we were building together was forever blah blah blah. Now I have my two kids, two dogs, two cats and I have to sell my house I have wanted so badly and tear everything apart.

I am stuck in the same house with him because we cannot afford to move apart until we sell it. Judging by how little he has done in the past, I can't see him moving too quickly on this.

He is staying in the bedroom beside me and acts like I don't exist. He doesn't talk to me unless absolutely necessary. He would rather hang out with the tenant that he dislikes than me. Now all of a sudden he has a newfound social life that doesn't include me (obviously).

He went to visit his mom for six days, and that time was quite glorious. I really felt that I could move on without him. Now that he's been back, I'm starting to feel upset about the breakup again and wishing we could work it out. I don't want to be dumped. I don't want to let my "baby" go. I don't want turn my life and my kids' life upside down.

We agreed he would move into the suite downstairs; that would make him self sufficient, and I wouldn't have to see him constantly. But he hasn't made the effort to move. Is there any point in trying for the umpteenth time to ask him if he'd give us another chance? On top of all this I lost my job of five years three days ago. I don't have it in me to tell him. He already thinks I'm a loser if he's dumping me-- this will just confirm it.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I find real happiness? Can this be salvaged, or am I even an idiot for wishing so? I really feel like I'm in hell. Got any advice?

- In the Dark in Canada

Dear In the Dark-

Do I have any advice for you? Where do I start?

First off, stop thinking of yourself as a loser. Immediately. You're not a loser. You've made a bad choice in letting this guy jerk you around, but that doesn't make you a loser.

Your description of him scared me a bit: You said he "seemed like one of the better ones, he never raised his voice or his fist, worked steady." The fact that he never raised his fist doesn't make him a decent man! It merely means that he may not be a terrible one. What I'm getting from this statement is that you have a history of dating abusers and men who can't hold a job. Come on! You have to set your standards higher than this.

Now, this guy wants out of the relationship. Well, good for him. The sooner you stop "looking after him," perhaps the sooner he'll move into the suite downstairs. If you're still cooking for him, doing his laundry, packing his lunch, it's time to stop. Indeed, if you were both working and contributed to the purchase of your house, it was never your responsibility to do it anyway.

It seems that he does very little for you (and why should he? You have been quite willing to do everything). I've read your letter at least five times, and I'm still trying to figure out what you ever got out of this relationship.

Let's put things in perspective:

1) He doesn't help around the house
2) He never wants to go anywhere
3) He ignores your children
4) You make a nice dinner, and he doesn't thank you for it
5) He doesn't talk to you and pretends you don't exist
6) He has a social life that doesn't include you

You mentioned that he went to visit his mother for a while, and you found the time away from him "glorious" (not "miserable," "tolerable," or "just okay"). You actually used the word "glorious." Glorious! So, where is the conflict here? Get rid of this loser (yes, he's the loser. Not you).

You also mention that you don't want to "get dumped." Why? The guy is doing you a favor. What? Are you afraid your neighbors will think you're damaged goods? Undesirable? Put back on the shelf? A sad old maid? Who cares! Chances are, the ones trapped in their own miserable relationships will envy you your freedom.

I also have to wonder how letting this individual continue to share your home affects your sons. His sorry behavior toward you teaches them that they can disrespect women and still get what they want. And his rejection of them has to be damaging their self-esteem.

Do all you can to encourage this guy to move downstairs: Inform him that he will no longer be living with you and your children. He'll have to manage his own meals. He is no longer welcome in your part of the house.

Once you successfully dislodge this person, it's time to start treating yourself like your own best boyfriend. You must learn to love yourself and enjoy your own company before you can ever hope to attract a man who'll do the same (read this sentence again, please). Money may be tight, but that doesn't mean you can't cook yourself a delightful meal, or buy yourself flowers once in a while. In other words, treat yourself as the most perfect man in the world would.

If friends, coworkers, relatives bring you down about not having a guy, it may be time to phase those people out of your life, as well. You may want to join a reading group at the library (or some other free activity) to make new friends. But you're not to date any of them until you've had time to learn to like being alone!

Spend time with your boys. Have fun with them! By loving yourself and taking care of yourself, you give them a gift. Whatever you do, don't feel guilty because there is no longer a man in their life. The man you're trying to unstick yourself from never really was.

I wish you the best of everything. You deserve it.

To your happily ever after,
Terry

P.S. When you look for a new job, please set your standards reasonably high: You need money, for sure, but you also want to work in a place where they pay you well and treat you with respect.

Another Reason to Book That Vacation

On August 30, I told you how Ellen Schultz will donate a percentage of her commission when you book your next vacation through her website. Well, as you know, things have gone awry in a certain part of this country since then, so Ellen has switched gears.

She'll donate her commissions from now until the end of 2005 to the American Red Cross for the benefit of the victims of Hurricane Katrina. You can book tours, cruises, and flights through Ellen's site, and you can buy travel insurance through it, too.

Got the itch to see Tuscany? London? How about a Hawaiian cruise? New England in the Fall?

Check out Ellen's site and go for it.

Clueless Quote of the Week

"What I’m hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality.... And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them."

- Barbara Bush, mother of the President of the United States, observing the mulitude of newly homeless families living it up in the Houston Astrodome.

He Left His Wife--- Now What?

Terry,

I fell for a man twice my age, who is married. I decided that he was a no-go, as my parents wouldn't approve. Secondly, he has children my age (21).

However, to my suprise he has left his wife. What do I do now?

-Baffled



Okay, Baffled-

He's left his wife. Ask yourself:

1. Is there any chance he'll go back to her?

2. How do you feel about dating a man his age? How would you feel about it 20 years from now?

3. If things progress, how would you feel about being a stepmother to people your own age?

4. Do you love him (or like him enough to find out if you could)?

5. Do you think he is capable of being faithful to you?

6. Since your parents' opinions matter, will they approve of your having a relationship with an older, divorced man with children?

Only you know can answer these questions. Proceed accordingly.

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Her Long-Distance Relationship

Hi Terry,

Two years ago I met a wonderful guy, but I was going through a phase and things didn't work out. Destiny seems to have put us together again, although now he lives in Montreal and I live in Mexico. He now has a job that will bring him to Mexico once every two months.

On his first trip, he was supposed to be here for a week, but he has been here for two-and-a-half and will be leaving on Monday. We've had a really wonderful time together. I really want to make this work, but I don't want to pressure him. He seems very happy too.

What is your best advice on long-distance relationships? We want this to work!

Thanks-
Out on a Limb in Mexico

Okay, Limb-

Before the man heads for the airport, tell him the truth: You care about him, and you hope to hear from him often.

Then let it go. The ball will be in his court, so let him take the initiative and contact you after he gets to Montreal. If he calls and you're not in, call him back. (If you don't hear from him, wait a few days and call to make sure he got home safely. But only call once.)

The man should definitely know that you care about him, but he should never get the sense that you're sitting by the phone waiting for him to call.

While he's away, try not to focus on him as if he's the last bus out of the depot. Make a point to do the things you love. Treat yourself well. Go out with your friends, but keep your conversation about Mr. Montreal to a minimum. Do not obsess over him.

Take comfort in this: You cannot make any relationship, long-distance or otherwise, happen. It will develop in its own time, if it's meant to be, and if you don't push it.

Have a wonderful last weekend with this fellow. When you kiss him goodbye, make sure he knows that you'll miss him. Then walk away and leave the next move up to him.

To your happily ever after,
Terry

Horror in New Orleans

Can't bear to watch any more of the suffering in that magnificent city. All that's left to do now is pray and donate to the Red Cross.

Your Next Vacation Can Save Lives

Love to travel?

A lovely woman by the name of Ellen Schultz has asked me to let you know that you can travel and raise money to help save the lives of women and children in the United States and in Africa. Book your next vacation through Ellen's new website: http://teawoman.globaltravel.com, and she'll donate a percentage of her commission to two charities.

Half of her proceeds will go to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation; the other half will benefit an African AIDS charity. She's still researching worthy AIDS charities and welcomes your suggestions (send 'em to EllenNewYork@aol.com).

Help her raise funds by doing something you might already do: Book a cruise, a tour, a flight, or buy travel insurance.

It won't cost you a penny extra, and you'll rack up excellent karma.

Rest in Peace, Ellen Marie

My mother died in her sleep, surrounded by my father, my siblings, and me, shortly after midnight on Saturday, August 20. Here's the eulogy my brother-in-law read for me at her funeral:

Ellen Marie Cummins Hernon was born on Friday, August 14th 1936. According to the plaque I had in my childhood bedroom, Friday’s child is loving and giving. That describes my mother. It’s not a good idea to make a person out to be a saint when writing her eulogy, but my mother definitely qualified as a good soul. No, she was an excellent soul. That’s not to say that she didn’t have faults, but we can talk about them later.

My mother liked people. I can’t remember a single instance when she was rude to anybody. Our kitchen in Flushing often overflowed with people of various ages, drinking instant coffee. Most of the time they were friends of mine, my sisters and brother, but they came to see our mother as much as they came to see us. Once I came home to find Mom and my brother, who was about 12 at the time, playing board games with a boy I’d known in high school but hadn’t seen in years.

My mother treasured her own friendships and enjoyed a close one with her sister, Maureen. When we were children, my mother would rattle off tales from her days at Ladycliff College until we could recite them in our sleep. The years she spent in Highland Falls were the happiest of her young life, and she made important friends there. Later on, geography and circumstances prevented her from seeing them as often as she’d like, but she continued to talk of them as if they’d just left the room.

After college, Mom became a teacher but cut short her career to raise her children. She returned to teaching many years later and made new friends who brought her great happiness. After she retired and moved to Manhattan, she became involved in the parish council of this church, which allowed her to enjoy the company of new and interesting people. Living in Manhattan also allowed Mom to meet her beloved friend and college roommate, Juliann Gill, for lunch every chance she could.

My mother’s great love was my father. One of my father’s favorite memories is of my mother walking up the aisle—all by herself—to meet him at the altar at their wedding. He had never seen a bride walk herself up the aisle before then, or since. With typical understatement, he said, “She pulled it off.”

While we were growing up, my mother had a habit of giving my father his breakfast, and then watching him walk to the bus stop from the dining room window until he was a speck in the distance. While waiting for her to scramble my egg, I found this behavior highly annoying. “Why do you do that?” I finally asked her. “Because anything could happen,” she answered. “There could be an accident, and I might never see him again.”

So, she loved in a big way, and that love extended to social causes. She was a proponent of fair trade and a passionate supporter of Amnesty International. Shortly before her illness, she marched in a peace rally in Washington. She held Native Americans in the highest regard and contributed to their causes.

Now, as I said, the woman did have a fault or two: You could always count on her to be late, for instance, which got me into trouble with teachers whenever she offered to drive me to school instead of letting me walk. She was notorious for showing up at church just behind the bride or the casket.

And, although she fiercely believed that all people were created equal, she never could understand why a person who had the benefit of a Second Grade education would use double negatives. She was forever correcting our English. And while most people would consider her highly intelligent, she could be a terrific space cadet. Lost in thought, she’d drive past exits. She’d occasionally forget to pick up one of her children. She could sit down to a meal she’d cooked and chew it for ten minutes before it dawned on her that she’d forgotten to include some important ingredient; for instance, the meat.

Here’s one of my favorite stories: When my brother was young, he developed an affinity for black light posters, the glow-in-the-dark wall hangings that proclaimed the greatness of rock bands like Led Zeppelin and The Who.

There was only one place in town where you could buy them, and that was at the head shop on Main Street. Now, the other women of our parish had mounted a campaign against this purveyor of pot-smoking paraphernalia, but that didn’t trouble our mother a bit. She and my brother set off for the head shop. A few days later, I was in a record store when a guy I went to grammar school with tapped me on the shoulder. “Terry Hernon!” he said. “I just ran into your mother in Jolly Joint!”

My mother could be howlingly funny. She had an absurd sense of humor. Very often, while setting out the tuna fish on a Friday night, she would burst into hooting laughter because something comical popped into her consciousness. But she was also wise. She liked to encourage us by saying, “It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish.” When we were tempted to do something wrong, she’d say, “Maybe nobody else will know, but you’ll know.” She insisted that the surest way to make yourself unpopular was to complain about your ailments. She died as she lived, never complaining, usually smiling, always with more concern for the other person than for herself.

Of course she was special to me; she was my mother. But I like to believe she was special to all who knew her. She wouldn’t want us to feel sorry for her, though. She would hate for anybody to be unhappy on her account. As much as we’ll miss her, this passage from Anam Cara by the Irish philosopher, John O’Donohue, offers hope:

“We do not need to grieve for the dead. Why should we grieve for them? They are now in a place where there is no more shadow, darkness, loneliness, isolation, or pain. They are home. They are with God from whom they came. They have returned to the nest of their identity within the great circle of God. God is the greatest circle of all, the largest embrace in the universe, which holds visible and invisible, temporal and eternal, as one.”

I like to think of my mother drinking coffee with the invisible, the people she loved who left the earth before she did, her mother, the aunts who helped raise her, the father who died when she was just 11 years old, the sister and brother who died before she was even born. I like to think of her having a big laugh and too much dessert for her own good with her friend, Maureen Holmes.

This is what comforts me. I hope it brings you comfort, too.

Thank you.

She's No Slut!

Dear Terry,

When is the right time to have sex with a guy, without setting yourself up to be called a slut and turning the relationship around to be all about sex? Because unfortunately this always happens to me. It kills my self-esteem!

-Baffled


Dear Baffled-

Why do you get to be the slut? Um, the guy you're with is doing the same thing you're doing; why is it wrong for you and right for him?

But to answer your question: If you're really interested in a guy, it's best not to have sex with him for a good while, until you're sure the relationship is about you and him and not about your bodies. If you have sex too soon, everything goes awry. Often, you'll find yourself obsessing about a guy you really aren't that crazy about.

Develop a friendship first. Go to movies, have dinner together, climb the Empire State Building together if you want, but don't sleep with the guy. Don't assume that you owe him anything because he's graced you with his presence on three separate occasions.

Back to my disdain for the double standard (the woman ending up with the slut label, while the guy saunters off happily in search of the next mattress): It doesn't take into account the fact that women like sex. It's all about punishing her for giving into some guy when she's really giving into her own desires.

So you have desires, and you're entitled to them. He has desires, too. But his are not more important than yours. If you end up in bed together too soon, the relationship may end before it really started, but you are no more a slut than he.

As far as your self-esteem goes, don't wrap it up in some guy. If you think sleeping with him will jeopardize the way you feel about yourself, don't do it. Treating others as they would treat you is the best way to go through life, but make sure others treat you as you would treat them.

Would you sleep with a guy and then run around and tell everybody he's a total slut? Of course you wouldn't. So, don't waste another minute on anyone you suspect would do it to you.

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Guy Wants Commitment

Hi, Terry-

I recently read your article on how to get over breakups (or being dumped) and thought perhaps you could give me some quick advice because your article was so good. I'm desperate! I have been seeing a girl for 3 years, and we lived together the past two. I am almost 23, and she is 22. Four weeks ago, we moved out. Now we live about 40 minutes away from each other, due to my changing schools and her getting a job. Looking back, I definitely see all the warning signs of something wrong while we lived together. She was often distant from me, etc.

Recently, I told her I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship because it seemed like a lot of the time I was the only one into it. I said I needed to know what her deal was. She has been at an intense 6-week training course, which has been a sleep-over thing with intensive 16-hour days for her new job(teaching). She has been even more distant, but I have kept telling myself how busy she is. That was her excuse for a while too. So I gave her the scoop on my feelings and left the ball in her court. Last Sunday, she said she needed time to think things over. She called it a "break". This "break" is essentially a breakup, but she said she wants to leave the possibility of us getting back together open. I told her this was unreasonable, as my feeling for her are still strong.

Nevertheless, I agreed to the "break" and am now wondering if I should call and demand an answer. It has been 5 days and its driving me nuts. She has just finished her 6-week course so now she has "time to think", but I wonder if this is even really necessary as it seems she has already made up her mind. I need time to heal because I need to have a clear head before school starts up again. So my question is this: Should I call and demand an answer so I can move on? Or should I wait in hopes that maybe she still wants to be with me? This "break" has a deadline of August 20th (school starts) agreed to by both of us. Help me! Should I call sooner or give her time?

-In Limbo Land Man

Hello, In Limbo-

Thanks for the nice comment about my article.

Now, about this girl...

Since you've very smartly put the ball in her court, you should definitely leave it there. It's possible that she's overwhelmed with her studies, or then she may feel that it's time to end the relationship.

Whatever it is, it'll do no good to call her up and ask her if she's made up her mind. But I also don't think you should wait around, hoping that she'll come back to you. Since you're on a break, why not use the time to do the things you couldn't while you were living with this girl? See the friends she hated, see the movies she didn't like, and so on. Fill your time with things and people you enjoy. If her face pops into your head, banish it. If someone brings up her name, say "She's fine," and change the subject.

Look at it this way: Say you're the one in the relationship who's been distant, needs time to think, and so on. What would be your reaction if she called you or insisted on an answer? Would you like that, or would it make you feel less attracted to her?

So, stay away. Let the girl come to her own conclusions. Let her wonder what you're up to.

Now, if she doesn't get ever back to you, or gives you the answer you dread, it's going to hurt, for sure. In time, you will definitely get over it (yeah, I know you don't believe me, but if you're willing you can get over almost anything).

If she decides to say goodbye, you must avoid turning her into "the one who got away." It helps to remember what you didn't like about her and remind yourself whenever you're tempted to fantasize about how great things were. The benefit of this scenario is that you'll free yourself to meet a girl who's mad about you and gives you the love and attention you need.

Now, on the other hand, absence may clarify things for this girl in another way. Maybe it will dawn on her what she's missing (because you haven't called her), and she'll make a firm and happy decision to get back together with you.

The only way to find out is to let her come to you. If she doesn't, she's done you a favor. (One thing I really admire about you is your ability to say what you feel. You didn't play games with the girl, just told her straight out you weren't getting what you need from the relationship.) You deserve a girl who's crazy about you and never lets you forget it.

Terry

Cheating Bastard's Girlfriend Writes Again

(Note: Read August 1st's post to get up to speed on this one.)

Terry-

This all sounds good, and I do have a lot to think about, but it is hard when he has started back on the kick that he cannot live without me. I feel like a yo-yo.

-A.


Well, A-

You're not a yo-yo, so don't allow yourself to be treated like one. It's time to make a decision. Are you in or are you out? If you're out, then stop taking this guy's calls and emails. Make a clean break.

As for his saying he can't live without you, how very romantic! But he's still breathing, isn't he?

You're in pain, so take care of yourself. Only you can end the torture.

Terry

She Continues to Attract Cheating Bastards

Dear Terry-

I have basically had it with men. I have been married and divorced twice. I met the man I thought loved me when he started working with me in 2002. He was a married doctor doing his residency in our office. We slowly became better friends during his second year of residency. When I found out that my second husband cheated on me, he was the one there who helped me get through it.

Even though we both knew it was wrong, we became intimately involved. We continued to have a relationship for the rest of his stay here. Then when it was time for him to graduate and move to another state. We made a promise that we would still make it work. (His new office is only an hour away).

During his first week there, we still talked often. He asked me to let him live with his children for four more years. That would be when his contract was up, and he could move wherever he wanted; basically, he would have to move to wherever his wife wanted after he left her so that he could still have a relationship with his children. In four years we would be married and supposedly live happily ever after.

On July 1, 2005 we spent another wonderful night together and told each other how much we loved each other. Then on July 12, 2005 he left for a family vacation. During this time I rarely spoke to him. When he finally called me on July 17, 2005 he informed me that he was still on vacation and he missed me. We argued a little due to the fact that he wasn't honest about his venture, and that I was all alone while he was having fun.

Well, once he was at home the emails started again and I once again thought that everything would be ok, but little did I know that the emails would eventually only come once maybe twice a day. Finally, I made a break for it and offered him the easy way out. I told him that I thought that his feelings for me had changed and that he didn't want me anymore; that is when he gave me this story about his children and how we couldn't be together permanently. He closed with "I love you and I know that I don't tell you enough. I can't imagine my life without you in it." Being the fed up person that I am, I replied "I know what I have to do now"...meaning it was time for me to move on.

The problem is that I honestly love this man. He was my best friend who helped me to overcome so many obstacles. I haven't heard anything from him since our latest argument, and I am starting to feel like he never loved me at all, and I was delusional for thinking that he did. I have been on your site, and I have read and re-read every one of your steps to getting over this person, but I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool. This man promised me everything, but all that he gave me was a broken heart. Please help me.

-A.

Hello, A-

Your break-up is virtually seconds old. There is no way at this tender stage for you to be completely over this man. The good news is that you can definitely get over him, but you must be patient. Give yourself time, treat yourself well, and every time you're tempted to relive a happy memory you shared with him, stop yourself. Make a habit of banishing him from your mind, and eventually, he'll stop popping in.

Keep yourself busy. Indulge in unabashed escapism and see a movie you've been dying to see-- by yourself. See all the movies you want by yourself! If you don't want to be seen going to a theater on your own (I enjoy it, actually), go to a Saturday matinee (couples tend to hit pre- and after-dinner showings). Treat yourself exquisitely. Buy yourself flowers. Sleep late. Enjoy lovely meals and other luxuries; just avoid going into debt.

If this doesn't sound good to you, picture this scenario instead: The guy in question decides he wants to be with you. You'll get married and spend the rest of your lives together. Everything will be just as you dreamed.

Or will it? The guy cheated on his wife to be with you. That makes him, like your former husband, a cheater. If you were to marry this man, you would be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life. You'll be afraid to go to the Ladies' Room for fear that he'll be chatting up another woman while you're in there. And what will he be doing at work? Solving another woman's problems over the water cooler?

For some reason, you've attracted at least two cheaters. And, worse, you were attracted to them. Why? Only you can answer these questions. The world is full of fun, monogamous, cute guys, and you deserve a joyous, peaceful, lasting relationship with one of them.

My best advice is to stay the course and let Dr. Feelgood go. You've been married twice, so perhaps it's time for you to give yourself some space and really get to know yourself and enjoy your life. You don't need a man. You need yourself. Once you get to the point where you love yourself too much to waste time with somebody else's cheating husband, you'll start attracting better men. Best of all, you'll be attracted to them, too.

You'll run into this guy on the street five years from now and wonder what the hell you were thinking.

To your happily ever after,

Terry

The Man of Her Dreams? A Freaking Nightmare, is More Like It

Dear Terry,

I downloaded your interesting e-book How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams a while ago. I enjoyed the book a great deal and have been trying to attract the man of my dreams eagerly ever since.

I thought I already met the man of my dreams last year via Internet. He turned out to live in the neigborhood, a divorced man with 3 kids. He was handsome, kind, polite, well tempered, loving, caring, good in bed and in kissing, wealthy, sporty... there were so many good qualities in him and I felt that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. It was so good to be in his company that I wanted to turn off the time so that I didn't have to be separated from him ever!

Then he e-mailed me that he wants to be alone. It was quite a shock to me. We met few times during the winter and phoned and e-mailed occasionally. Last April we met in the south of Finland. He told me there that he had met someone and had feelings for her. It was even harder shock to me, although it didn't prevent him spending a lovely evening and night with with me in his hotel room. I met him last time - so far - in the middle of June and he kept hugging and kissing and caressing me while we met and he told that he's seeing that woman whom he told me about in April. I wondered if he had told her about our meeting in April.

I love this guy a great deal, but I sense that he's is not so good as he first seemed. He has been lying to me more than once and it hurt a great deal that he rather slept with his 14-year-old girl than me while he was still living in the same municipality as me. The girl wanted to and of course Daddy couldn't say "no", because he can't say "no" to me, either, but only on e-mail or text-message, not ever face to face!

Any good advice? Probably not the man of my dreams? I loved him, respected and valued him, never was mean or disgusting, but always loving and caring as it's my nature. Eventually, he was distant and cool on emotional level and didn't return my feelings. I just don't know what did I do wrong. Love to hear your comments!

-R


Hi, R-

Thanks for your nice comments about my book.

Now, this fellow you wrote me about, the one you say that emailed you that he wants to be left alone, took up with another woman (but hit the sheets with you on the sly), slept with his 14-year-old (did I miss something here, or did you write that the dude slept with a 14-year-old?), hardly qualifies as anybody's dream man, let alone yours.

So he seemed to have great qualities at first, and oh yeah, he was good in bed (if I had a nickel for every woman lost her head over a guy who was good in bed!), but after a while he began to reveal himself for what he really is: A slimy bastard who may, if I understand you correctly, belong in jail.

Please read your letter again. Read it out loud.

This man is not for you, and you know it. Stop wasting your life thinking about him. The world is full of so many lovely men, and as long as you're fixated on this loser (I don't care what kind of job he has, how polite he is, what a great kisser he is, he's a loser!), you'll never meet the one who's right for you.

You say that this man was emotionally distant. How would it feel to attract a man who isn't emotionally distant, who returns your feelings, and lets you know it every day of your life? How would it feel? Think about it. Write it down. Do you feel any fear when you think about being with a man who truly values you? If so, why do you think that is? What's the downside of being in a truly affectionate relationship?

What does the perfect relationship feel like to you? Write that down. Visualize it. Incorporate all your senses and make it real for you. It doesn't matter if you don't have all the details at first (or even if you believe it's possible). Do this for a few minutes every day, and new details will start to emerge. Refer to How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams and write a script around what you come up with.

Put this clown out of your mind. Stop blaming yourself for doing something wrong. This guy wouldn't be right for you under any circumstances, so be grateful you found out sooner rather than later.

Please do the exercises I describe in the ebook faithfully. Idiots like the one you describe will eventually cease to clutter your path. Treat yourself like a treasure yet to be discovered, and one day, you'll attract a genuinely good man who's actually worthy of you.

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Running Up a Hill

Went in to see Mom yesterday. She was about the same, asleep most of the time and when her eyes were open, they were focused on something else, usually the crucifix over my father's bed.

Dad was extremely quiet, but then it was nearly 100 degrees. He hates air conditioning, so we sat in the heat and tried to read our newspapers. I wore a dress that kept sticking to my legs. I brought Dad the cottage cheese he asked me to pick up for lunch, but he ate a sandwich instead. After a while, I took his book of Irish short stories from the bookcase and read a funny but sad piece by Joseph O'Connor. I think it was called "All Mothers Were the Same."

Went home and drank a bunch of Guinesses with my amazing neighbor, V, who took the offspring to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory while I was gone. She stir-fried asparagus and sesame seeds in her new wok and boiled some dumplings she got from Trader Joe's for dinner. Then Peter came over with some pizzas.

Today I took the girls to piano lessons and changed the sheets. Whenever I'm out of this place for a whole day, it takes me another day to catch up. I managed to cook dinner for the first time in almost a week. Didn't get any real writing done, though, which irritates me.

My cousin, Chris, just called me with the names of some restaurants in Westchester we'll consider for the reception after my Mother's burial. Sibling 2 asked him for them; she figures it's better that we make arrangements now, instead of trying to plan a menu between appearances at the wake.

Peter is home. I'm hungry. Let's eat.

My Mother

Spent Saturday night with Mom and Dad. The priest from their parish came over and said a Mass for them. Mom is still sleeping most of the time, and her breathing is often hard and labored. She talks but we can't understand what she's saying.

Was reading her New York Times and was heartened to see a byline by Maureen Dowd, who's been on book leave. She wrote a lovely piece for her mother who died last week.

I have been asked to write the eulogy for my mother when the time comes.

Run, Sienna Miller, Run!

Just logged on to my homepage and found the following headline: Jude Law Publicly Apologizes to Fiancee." If a guy is publicly apologizing about something, the story can't based on the type of half-baked speculation that follows Jennifer Aniston around these days. I had to check it out.

Turns out old Jude, who's engaged to his Alfie co-star Sienna Miller, has been banging one of his children's nannies. How very sad.

You know, there's nothing wrong with being single and having fun. Obviously, Jude isn't ready to be married (again!), so why doesn't he do all of womankind a favor and stop proposing to people.

Hey Jude, go out and have all the sex you want. Just don't do it while you're engaged to be married, you dumb slut.

On Bringing Back a Lost Love

Hi Terry!

There are many e-books that have been written about sure fire ways to bring back ex-loves, regardless of the circumstance. I would love to have your spin on their theories, or additional tips, as I really respect your opinion. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Regards,

L

Hi, L-

Thanks for writing and for the kind words.

I'm not familiar with the books you mention, but as far as bringing back a lost love is concerned it can certainly be done, as long as the man is willing.

It's definitely worth it, though, to sit down and write down exactly why you want him back. Then write down why you might not want him back. The goal is to remember realistically what the relationship was really like, and if it's worth having again.

In the news lately there have been lots of reports of people who've reunited with lost loves and had happy results (Donna Hanover, the former First Lady of New York and ex-wife of Rudy Giuliani, recently married an old schoolmate, for example). But, apparently, most of these people once had good relationships, which make great foundations for new ones.

But I worry about people who long for a lost love who once cheated on them, repeatedly disappointed them, and eventually left them in the dust, often for somebody else. A lot of the time we tend to romanticize "the one who got away" when he never deserved us in the first place.

Before you buy a book that instructs you how to bring back an old love, ask yourself if the person you long for is really worth it. If the answer is yes, go for it. There are no guarantees, of course. You risk rejection, but you'll still achieve peace of mind knowing whether or not the relationship was meant to be.

If you decide that the man is not worth it, ask yourself what kind of person would thrill you the way he once did. What qualities are you looking for? What kinds of things would you do together?

It helps to write a list of these things and contemplate it often. You can write an affirmation (don't ever discount the power of affirmations; they worked for me) like "I am now happily married (or dating) a loyal, loving, reliable, successful, fun man." Write it 10 times a day. Say it out loud before your feet hit the floor in the morning. Repeat it to yourself as you're dropping off to sleep at night.

Just replace the qualities I used for the ones you prefer and be sure to put your affirmation in the present tense. And make sure the guy you envision treats you well and has a sense of humor!


To your happily ever after,
Terry

On Dating, Tama Janowitz, Coldplay, and More

Just finished sending the newsletter. Am thinking of discontinuing it and starting a second blog devoted entirely to dating and relationships instead. What do you think?

Am almost finished with Mansfield Park, which is by far the best book I've read in a year. Next up, A Certain Age by Tama Janowitz and Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman. Saw Hotel Rwanda over the weekend, which renewed my desire to press my representatives to aid Dafur.

The new Coldplay CD is astounding and constantly running in my head. Their performance at Live 8 blew me away, and Madonna certainly silenced critics who've accused her of decaying into a boring housewife. The fellows who gathered around my barbecue table Saturday evening expressed undying admiration for her.

Will spend the weekend with Mommy, who is no longer responsive. The woman who takes care of her still manages to get her to eat, which is a miracle.

Don't Get Sucked In By a Bad Boy

Hi, Terry-

I know you said to stop seeing and cut off the person who is no good for you, but what if you have a child with that person? How do you not get sucked back in?

-m

Hello, M-

Sorry for the delay in responding. I was out of town.

You're in a tough spot. You want to put the guy out of your head, but you have to maintain some sort of relationship with him because you have a child. The best advice I can give you is to write down on a piece of paper exactly what what he's done (every single thing you can think of) that brought you to the conclusion that he is no good for you.

Carry that piece of paper around with you. Read it when you get up in the morning. Read it whenever a happy memory you shared together pops into your head. Read it before you drop off to sleep at night. Read it before he shows up at your house to visit your child. Go into the bathroom and read it after he gives you that smile that makes you want to forgive him for every bad thing he's ever done.

I don't think you should walk around harboring a grudge (because that's not good for your health), but being with a man who you know is not good for you is certainly not good for your health, either. So you do need to remind yourself-- constantly--why you want to break free of this guy.

I don't know if you signed your name with a lower case "M" because it's a style thing, or if subconsciously, you think you don't rate a capital letter. You do.

You deserve the best in life. Please start to think about what the "best in life" means to you in terms of a boyfriend or a husband. Start to formulate a picture of him in your mind. Treat yourself really, really well. Buy yourself flowers once in a while.

If you start treating yourself like the wonderful person you are, eventually other people will, too. And the people who don't (and didn't) will no longer appeal to you.

To your happily ever after,
Terry

Maybe Tom Cruise Isn't Crazy After All

Like the rest of the free world, I've been scratching my head over Tom Cruise's recent desperate attempts for attention. I don't buy the fairy tale romance with Katie Holmes, for instance, especially after his divorces from Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman. (He was really, really, really in love with them, too.)

But when I saw him battling it out about psychiatry and prescription drugs with Matt Lauer last week, I had a change of heart. The guy went whacko on Matt, shouting him down about psychiatry being a pseudoscience and, "Do you know about Adderall, Matt? Do you know about Ritalin?"

And Matt, instead of remaining calm and asking, "I guess I don't, Tom. Why don't you tell me about them?" got defensive. He didn't question Cruise about why he objects so strenuously to psychiatry. Later on in the broadcast, Al Roker remarked that Tom Cruise had been "rude" to Mr. Lauer. Maybe. But Matt definitely lost control of the interview.

When Tom was beating Matt over the head about psychiatry and prescription drugs, he reminded me exactly of a man I know who, as a child, had learning disabilities, and is now angry about the treatment he suffered as a result. Teachers told his mother he needed counseling, but they didn't harbor high hopes for him. In desperation, his mother traipsed him in and out of psychiatrists' offices, took him to "learning specialists" (ha!), "focusing doctors," and on and on and on.

None of them helped. They put him on Ritalin. It didn't help.

Today, through his own determination, the man is a college graduate and has worked, quite profitably, for the same company for almost 15 years. He owns an apartment in Manhattan and is a good deal more successful than the little bastard who used to taunt him on the Pee Wee soccer team.

So, when I see Tom Cruise freaking out about Ritalin and psychiatry, I wonder if he once had a similar experience. I have read that he suffered from learning disorders and dyslexia.

As for his comments about Brooke Shields, I don't agree.

But, interestingly, an AP report in yesterday's Newsday revealed that the FDA plans to strengthen warnings about Concerta, the slow-release version of Ritalin, because a routine review found more psychiatric reactions to the drug than had been previously stated.

Those reactions? Suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, and violent behavior.

This is especially interesting to me because both my children have been diagnosed with ADHD and were prescribed Concerta, after our pediatrician reassured us that Ritalin has been "used safely for 30 years."

I wonder if Matt Lauer will pick up on the AP report that seems to vindicate Tom Cruise. In the meantime, I'll tear up my children's prescription for a Concerta refill.