My Poor Brady

Tomorrow marks the broadcast of Christopher Knight's marriage to Adrienne Curry on My Fair Brady. You can catch the episodes leading up to the big event during a marathon starting at 4:30PM.

Former Brady Bunch star Christopher Knight, 48, has visibly aged since he took up with Curry, who's 23. The guy's living proof that shacking up with a woman 25 years younger won't keep you young. Adrienne is going to kill him.

In a past episode, when he admitted his burgeoning feelings for her, she ridiculed him. The fact that he had fallen in love with her wasn't enough; the way he expressed it simply didn't live up to her bubblegum fantasies.

The woman is incapable of remaining clothed for extended periods and enjoys lathering up in the near buff with female friends, which may sound like every man's fantasy, but it seems to be turning into a serious nightmare for poor Chrissie (as Adrienne calls him). His family hates her, and even his former TV mom, Florence Henderson, has expressed reservations.

I am expressing reservations, too. Don't do it, Chrissie. Oh, right; the show is already in the can, which means you probably already did.

The Benefits of Unattachment

My brother and I discussed the positives of being single last night. Number one would be not negotiating with a significant other about where you're going to spend the holidays. You can enjoy Christmas with your own brothers and sisters without fending off cries of, "We went to your freaking family's last year!"

This is only a plus, of course, if your relatives comprehend that being umarried means your existence remains full of possibilities; you are not some perpetual adolescent whose life is jigging past like Michael Flatley in Lord of the Dance. Singles saddled with unenlightened relations would do well to celebrate Christmas alone in Hawaii.

Another great thing about being single: You will probably not discover an email from Amazon confirming your order for fart pens. What, pray tell, is a fart pen? Well, Dear Reader, I wondered the same thing.

Turns out one of my darling offspring got into my Amazon account while I sawed away on my Nordic Track this morning. She ordered said fart pens, which Amazon describes as thus:

"It's a real pen shaped like a finger and when you pull on it, out will come farting sounds. Great for that boring night of homework or maybe make your friends laugh at this very comical pen."

In case you're wondering, I changed the password on my Amazon account. This should be an interesting summer.

Toastmasters and You

Dating tip: If you want to meet ambitious people set on improving themselves, join a Toastmasters group. Chances are, many members will be spoken for, but you never know who they know.

Expanding your social network is key if you want to meet exciting new people. And, at Toastmasters, you'll develop a valuable new skill, which will certainly come in handy when you thank guests for coming to your wedding.

Senior Citizen Dating Tragedies

Yeah, I know. I haven't been here for a while. Here's the conflict: This is a dating blog. Sometimes I want to write about things other than dating, like movies or food or somebody's husband who pisses me off (actually, there are a few of those).

Peter and I have been out and about lately, in restaurants, bars, and such, and I can tell you a few things:

Senior citizens are clueless about dating.

Case #1: The age 70-plus geezer who came into the bar where Peter and I were waiting for a table with a lovely woman around his own age. Turns out, the guy was out celebrating his birthday. Somebody at the bar offered him three wishes. The birthday pensioner exclaimed, "Every woman here is now a blonde."

Since none of the women present had blonde hair, including the elegant woman he came in with, it's safe to say that the rest of his date didn't go as well as he might have hoped.

Case #2: Squeezed into a small table at a hotspot in Monroe, Connecticut, next to an elderly woman wearing pearls and her date, Peter and I listened to her blather on about "my son," "my daw-tah," her ailments, her landlord, and so on. The poor bastard she came in with didn't get a word in edgewise.

At one point, she bellowed, "I'm gonna get drunk. Do you mind? I wanna get drunk." The guy mumbled, "I don't mind." At this point, Peter raised his eyebrows. How'd we get stuck sitting next to her?

When the check came, the guy sitting next to me sighed with resignation and signed it. His date screamed, "Are you drunk? Awww. You're sobah? That's too bad 'cause I'm really drunk!

Case #3: The recently widowed older man who told me, "I don't understand women. I never have." Here's a tip, Buddy: Treat other people as you'd have them treat you, and you should be okay.

Saw The Breakup last night with H. and V. Hilarious and right on the money! What I probably will avoid is the movie featured in a trailer starring Kate Hudson, Matt Dillon, and Owen Wilson. It looked like it might have a few dumb laughs, but Kate Hudson appeared half-dressed in almost all the shots. You might as well do Playboy videos, Kate. What you're doing ain't acting.

A movie called Acceptance, featuring one of my heroes, Lewis Black, looks promising. I will see it. I will also see Clerks 2 before I see the thing with Kate Hudson.

I Would Marry You, Stephen Colbert, If Only I Weren't Already Married

And if only you weren't married!

But you are, and I am. That said, I want to congratulate you on your patriotic and inspiring speech at Saturday night's White House Correspondents' Dinner. Perhaps the reason you got so few laughs is because you told the sorry, pathetic truth.

And, boy, does the truth hurt.

I thought for sure that a big white hook would pop out and sweep you from my admiring gaze, or that Laura Bush would decapitate you with her steak knife.

I applaud your courage, Sir.

Dating for the Shy

If you don't know what to say when you meet men, keep the focus on him. Ask him what he likes to do on weekends, what movies he's seen recently, and so on. Don't ask questions that result in a 'yes' or 'no.'

If you ask a guy what he did over the weekend, he might say he went fishing. Then you can ask how long he's been fishing, where he likes to fish, when he started fishing, what he likes about fishing, and so on. People love to talk about things they love, and the fact that you're interested makes you interesting.

Don't worry about what to say next.

Here's the formula: Ask a question, listen to the answer, ask another question. Avoid making inquiries about religion or political affiliation, at least until you get to know the man better. Right now, the goal is to get the guy talking about things he likes to do. He will think you're a brilliant conversationalist.

And, then if the guy has any personality whatsoever, he'll want to know about you. So tell him a little something. Relax: A little information goes a long way, and since you're shy, you may come off as mysterious, which is a good thing. He'll want to get to know you better.

Who wouldn't?

Can't Get a Date?

Yes, you can.

After coming home from seeing Lieutenant of Inishmore on Broadway and enjoying a delightful dinner at Trattoria Trecolori with Peter last night, I caught VH1's very excellent show, Can't Get a Date.

Each episode features a man or woman who's had difficulty generating sufficient interest from the opposite sex. In a low-key, humorous, and unhumiliating manner, the host instructs the guest on what s/he's doing to repel potential dates and how to attract them. I definitely recommend it.

If you happen to be in New York, I heartily (and humbly) suggest you see The Lieutenant of Inishmore. At one point, I laughed so hard I cried.

He's the Man!

Took the train into New York Saturday for dinner and drinks with the girls in Bayside.

Had dinner in Monahan's (note to waiter: good service does not consist of avoiding eye contact and finishing every sentence with, "Ladies;" as in, "Will that be all, Ladies?", "What can I get you, Ladies?", and so on. Yuck).

After dinner, we had a couple of drinks at the bar before M. rolled up to pick up A. The rest of us headed over to Donovan's, which was more crowded than I've seen it in years (not that I get in there much). Really amazed myself by staying out until 2AM. As we left Bell Boulevard, the bars were rocking.

Slept over in Bayside with U. and P. They got a new dog on Saturday, a black lab named Buddy. He's three-years-old and friendly without being slobbery. We managed to just miss the Palm Sunday crowd for breakfast at the Omega on 32nd Avenue. Can't beat breakfast at the Omega! I had a Greek omelet but skipped the home fries and toast in atonement for my gluttony the previous evening (some guy kept putting pretzels on our table in the bar, and I went through two bowls of them).

Met Daddy in Grand Central on my way back home. Went to that "Caffe" downstairs; he had a cup of coffee, and I had a glass of Merlot to right my head. While I waited for him to show at the information booth, some guy in a black ski cap shouted, "Dude!" into his cell phone so loud I nearly dropped my wallet. "I'm at the information booth in Grand Central, Dude!" he boomed. "Sure, you know what it looks like. You saw Madagascar, didn't you?"

Sometimes you don't realize how attractive a person you know well is until you see them in a crowd, and that was the case with Daddy. The guy is 74 1/2, steely-haired, fit, and handsome. He's swimming five days a week and, as always, walks everywhere. If he ever decides to start dating, I suspect he won't be lonely for long. I don't think it's in the plan, though, and my father is not one to ever change the plan.

Can't see him dealing with some other woman and her children, being expected to visit them on holidays. Not in the plan.

Was very pleased to find Peter waiting for me at the station in Connecticut in my Saturn, instead of his monster truck, which gets, like, -6 miles to the gallon. On Friday night, I found him whizzing around a motorcycle website, which means he's getting fuel conscious, but not necessarily in the way I'd hoped.

In brighter news, he did steam clean the bathroom in our bedroom during my absence. (I felt like I was in a hotel when I took my shower this morning). He also laid the forms for the new walk he's putting in the front of our house.

He is definitely the man.

What does all this have to do with dating? Not much, although the boys and girls were out and in fine form in the bars on Bell Boulevard Saturday night. Here's a tip, though: If you meet a cute guy in a bar, it's not necessary to make out with him while waiting for the bartender to pour your drinks.

Work and the Office Lothario

Lately I'm receiving letters from women who've fallen victim to a lothario at the office. The dude showered them with attention. He made numerous offers to run out to Starbucks and get them a coffee, and so on. Flirtation by email followed. Romance ensued.

Then, suddenly, it all stopped. The man ceased all contact. The women, not knowing what they did wrong, struggled to regain his affection. And failed.

They write to me asking what they can do next.

Here's my answer:

Return the guy's lack of interest in kind. Do not, under any circumstances, walk past his desk, email him, or do anything to get his attention. Avoid him at all costs. If you happen to run into him in the hall or at a meeting, keep your back straight and conversation to a minimum.

If he didn't have the courtesy to speak to you before ending the relationship, he doesn't warrant your time. If he did have the courtesy to speak to you, then take him at his word. Terminate any campaign to change his mind.

Repeat after me:

It's his loss.
It's his loss.
It's his loss.

There are bigger fish in the sea.

Forget George Clooney...

I like a man I can sink my teeth into. For instance:

1. Joaquin Phoenix
2. Mark Ruffalo
3. Stephen Colbert
4. Lewis Black

None of them is leading-man handsome, but they all possess a certain (and attractive) intelligence. A sense of humor goes a long way, too.

In unrelated news: The recent torture killing of a young grad student in New York City has completely freaked me out. It underscores the sad fact that just because a woman thinks she knows somebody (in this case, the bouncer in the bar where she was hanging out) or the man seems to be in a position of some authority, it doesn't mean he's a good person.

If you're going to hang out in a bar, go with a friend and go home with a friend. No exceptions. If you meet a guy who has great potential, plan to meet him again in a neutral location. Remember what your parents told you when you were five: Don't get into a car with a stranger.

He probably wouldn't end up strangling you with your pantyhose, but why would you ever risk it?

Stop the Madness. God is Watching!

Nicholas Kristof of the New York Times continues to write of the horrors facing ordinary citizens in Darfur. These people go through life waiting for rapists and murderers to descend upon them, and there's nothing they can do about it.

Can you imaging popping the Gorton's fish sticks into the oven and wondering if tonight is the night your children will be raped and killed? I can't fathom what it would be like to live in that constant state of terror.

Few Americans are aware of this genocide. It's strange; we still talk about the horrors of the Holocaust and ask how it ever was even allowed to happen, yet something similar is going on in Africa, and the networks have turned their backs on it.

That will change tomorrow, fortunately. NBC will broadcast Ann Curry's coverage of the ongoing massacre, but ABC and CBS have yet to step up.

We (you and me) can help the people of Darfur by sending a postcard to President Bush and telling him to put his foot down.

For other ideas, check out Ten Things You Can Do Right Now.

Teri Hatcher's "Startling Confession"

Teri didn't actually "confess" that she was sexually abused as a child. Confession implies guilt, and she was the victim-- not the perpetrator-- of the vilest sort of crime.

According to the Vanity Fair writer who interviewed Hatcher, the Desperate Housewives actress is making the story public only to help other children who find themselves in similar situations.

Which I respect.

What I don't respect is the media sexing this story up for ratings. The only person who needs to confess is the trusted male relative who abused her for his own pathetic purposes.

Project Misogyny

My new hero, Guy Trebay of The New York Times, wrote about a bunch of losers who still haven't gotten over the girls who dumped them in high school.

Stumbled upon a "Christian" website today that tells why it's the woman's responsibility to agree to have sex with her husband even if she's not into it, and why it's her responsibility again to turn him on when he's not into it.

My favorite tip?

"Buy (or make) panties that tie on the sides - you can untie and remove them discreetly in a theater or at a restaurant table."

I must have been out sick the day the nuns addressed that subject.

You Can Meet Men and Get Married

The following is my response to a young woman who responded to my previous post, in which I promised to answer questions about meeting men:

Just when I thought I'd run out of things to write about meeting men and attracting happy relationships, you come along and remind me why I ever started doing this.

I checked out the gorgeous, compelling, thought-provoking photographs on your Flickr account and was blown away. Beautiful, beautiful stuff!

My thoughts about normal young women who don't date: Well, one of the captions on your photos says it all. You say you struggle with being comfortable with yourself. Men pick up on that.

Look, you're an attractive woman. You may not be TV thin, but who is? Furthermore, you're right; lots of overweight women get married, have no trouble getting dates, etc. They feel good about themselves, and so does everybody else.

And then there are the thin, pretty girls who don't feel comfortable about themselves and wonder if people are only interested in them because they fit the current beauty standard. If they were to be disfigured in an accident, would all the attention they've come to expect and enjoy suddenly evaporate?

Understand that you are not alone in the struggle to be comfortable with yourself (most of us are in it to a degree). At one point in my life, the men I attracted were pretty substandard (they picked up on my feelings of inadequacy like a radio signal). And then there were times when I just didn't attract any men at all.

And then, after a guy broke up with me because, as he said, "I was a treasure yet to be discovered," I decided to treat myself as a treasure yet to be discovered. I decided that I deserved love, affection, and to be treated well. And guess what? Once I adopted this mindset, I started to attract more-- and better-- men. I simply didn't have time for the losers.

You must hold yourself in very high regard to attract attention and good treatment from others!

Easier said than done, right? Well, Louise Hay recommends that you repeat the following affirmation at least 30 times a day:

"I love and approve of myself."

Chances are, you'll feel like a complete jackass the first few days you do it, but keep it up. (If you're really brave, you can say it in front of a mirror. Look yourself in the eye). After a couple of weeks, something inside you will start to shift. You'll notice that you're attracting better things.

You also might want to write a list of all the things you have going for you. What do you have to offer? It really helps to know. Keep the list in your wallet, where you can refer to it often.

Furthermore, it wouldn't hurt to check out Jennifer Weiner's blog (http://jenniferweiner.blogspot.com/). She, as you may know, is the author of the very successful novel "In Her Shoes" and once struggled with body image.

She's feeling pretty good about herself today, is happily married, has a child, and is probably rolling in money. Scroll down to the second post, which addresses "American Idol" and the Mandisa issue. Mandisa is the very talented singer who was rebuked by Simon Cowell for being overweight.

How to Meet Men: Tell Me What You Want to Know

Email your questions to me at terry@marrysmart.com, and I'll get back to you.

The Day of Enforced Love and Loneliness

I can really do without Valentine's Day. If married people stopped waiting for a commercially mandated holiday to express their love for one another, there would be fewer divorces. Valentine's Day also manages to make people who aren't in relationships think there's something wrong with them.

It's really rather sad. That said, Peter will show up with a card this evening, so I probably should go out and buy him one, too.

I slipped the requisite chocolate into the offspring's lunches this morning, which they promptly removed to prevent being expected to share with their classmates. The day of love, indeed!

I have to admit, though, my parents loved to celebrate Valentine's Day. They'd hit the stationery store after Mass the Sunday before and pick out the mushiest cards for each other. Last year, when my mother was sick, my father brought her one with a passage in it that nearly knocked me off my feet.

This morning, he had a Mass said for her.

Meet New Men

It's Saturday night. What are you doing at home?

You should be out among the living. Prince Charming is not going to climb through your window to watch the Olympics with you.

Grab a friend and head to your nearest coffee house. Most of them feature live music on weekends. Hang out. If you don't have a friend, go anyway. Order a cup of coffee in a to-go cup and then stick around.

If there's a seat at an empty table, take it. As the place fills up, somebody will probably ask you if they can drag off the other chair. Smile and say, "Sure." If anyone asks what you're doing out alone, just say you popped in for a quick cup of coffee but the music was so captivating you decided to stay. Look approachable.

Sure, it is a bit scary to put yourself in new and uncomfortable situations, but this is how you meet new people.

Meeting new people is the key to meeting "the one."

Pop Culture This Week

Some observations:

The unstoppable Madonna stole the Grammys show.

Two words for Mick Jagger regarding his Super Bowl performance: Long sleeves.

Somebody should tell Katie Couric that encouraging pigeons to eat off her head does not make, as she claimed, "Good TV." It makes "You Are So Desperate to Be Cute I Feel Sorry for You TV".

About that Salmon You're Eating...

Salmon is loaded with heart-healthy Omega-3s, but it may also be teeming with other garbage that could kill you.

This morning's Today Show featured a "flirtologist" who advocates following men around supermarkets. The last man I followed was my Sixth Grade teacher, when my friend Karen and I hid out in the dumpster in front of his house.

Gotta hand it to Dear Abby. She kicked ass today.

State of the Union, Part 2

Be sure to catch the repeat broadcast of last night's Colbert Report at 2:30/EST this afternoon or at 8:30/EST this evening. Colbert's take on the plight of today's American worker is priceless.