Prescription for a Marriage in Hell

Hi, Terry-

I have been dating my boyfriend for five and a half years. We are 23 years old, and I would really like a commitment. We have talked about getting married, but he says he probably doesn't want to get married for another three or four years. I love him so much, but I feel it's unfair that I have to wait around. It's as if everything is on his schedule. I think it's ridiculous to wait that long. We are thinking about moving in together, but now I'm having second thoughts. I'm worried that if we move in together, we will never get married! He says that moving in together is a commitment in itself. I want to be with him and have a ceremony where we can pronounce our love in front of everyone.

He lives his life and expects me to just follow along. For example, he always plans his weekends around what he wants to do and just assumes I will do what he wants. He doesn't keep me in mind. I took off work on Friday so we could spend time
together (we have completely opposite work schedules), and he slept the whole day! What a waste! When I confronted him about it he says he didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I want him to plan things for us to do, instead of me always having to make the plans and figure everything out. I've just become increasingly angry and feel like he doesn't understand. He says that if we both know that we want to get married it shouldn't matter if it's now or in four years.

Should I stick around or move on? I don't want to wait, and then three years from now have him decide that he doesn't want to get married for another four. Please help!

-Confused


Hello, Confused-

If you're angry now because your boyfriend doesn't consider your feelings, how do you think you'll feel in another five years?

The thing is, you can't make him commit to you (nor should you try). You deserve a guy who's quite literally jumping off the couch to marry you, and he's not doing that.

I understand why you'd want to get married after 5 1/2 years together, but if he's not willing, then it's not your job to change his mind. Instead, you might ask yourself if he's doing you a favor. You're not happy about the way he treats you, and marriage is not going to change him (in fact, he's probably going to get worse).

The idea of proclaiming your love for one another in front of the entire world is romantic, but think about it: A wedding lasts a couple of hours. A marriage is meant to last a lifetime.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you really think you would be happy spending your life with this man (the way he is now, not the way you think he might turn out to be)?

If the answer is no, then you owe it to yourself to move on. If the answer is yes, you truly love him and want to marry him, then I'd advise you to spend less time with him, instead of more. I would definitely never take a day off work to hang out with him, that's for sure. It sounds as if your boyfriend is taking you for granted, and you need to step back a bit.

Be less available.

I'm not telling you to play games. But it's time this guy stopped assuming you're going to do whatever he wants every weekend. You can give him the message by going out with your friends often(if you don't have any friends, make some). If you're interested in learning something new, like pottery, yoga, or beermaking, I suggest you take a class that gets you out of the house one day a week. It will introduce you to new people and new situations, and learning new things makes you more interesting.

If you have a habit of stopping by to see your boyfriend after work, taper that off. Don't see him all the time. Expand your horizons. Do different things with different people.

After a while (or maybe even immediately), he'll either notice and stop taking you for granted, or he won't. If he does, then, good, keep it up (and if you do marry him, keep it up 25 years from now). If he doesn't, then keep moving in the other direction. Build a life for yourself.

I know you don't want to hear this, but you're young. And I'm afraid that if you twist this guy's arm, and he marries you, you'll be a fat old woman in a sweatsuit by the tender age of 30. I'm afraid that you'll be doing all the work around the house, shuttling kids around to soccer and helping them with their homework, while he continues to do what he always did: what he wants.

As far as living together goes, you're right. It's not a commitment, and that would be fine if you were both happy with that. But you're not. So do not move in with him(but if you decide to disregard my advice on this score, make sure you clear up who's going to cook on which nights. In other words, you're not to become anybody's maid).

Please do not let the image of yourself in a Vera Wang dress cloud your judgment. Repeat after me: A wedding lasts just a few hours. A marriage to the wrong guy could mean a lifetime of misery.

Don't believe me? Head to a family restaurant on a Friday night. Check out all the unhappily married couples who talk to their children but not to each other.

I hope this helps.

Terry

How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams

Listed my ebook on a cool new directory.

Want to save $19.97 on the ebook? Sign up for my free teleclass, scheduled for this coming Tuesday, November 1st at 7PM/EST. I'll cram all the secrets to attracting the right man I can into a 60-minute session.

Drop me an email now at terry@marrysmart.com. Seats are going fast!

Tom DeLay's Mug Shot

Somebody take away this guy's motivational tapes.

Get Him to Commit?

Hi, Terry-

This is my first time to your site, and I think your advice is wonderful. Give me your honest advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. We don't live together, but he sleeps at my place at least 6 nights a week, and we have a 2-year- old son. Recently, I asked him where our relationship was going, and after a day of silence, his answer was, "I don't want to live together, and I don't want to get married."

We had a huge fight and didn't speak for three weeks. Now he is all loving, and "I miss you, and I don't want us to break up," but after so many years, I am ready for a commitment, and he doesn't want to commit. I spent a long time loving and caring for him, and I think it's clouding my better judgment. I feel confused when I don't think I should be. Any help?

-Confused


Hello, Confused-

Thanks for the compliment.

You obviously have a lot invested in this relationship because you've been in it for six years, and you have a little boy with the man. So it had to be painful when the guy stonewalled you on the subject of commitment, and then had a huge fight about it.

It doesn't seem fair that he sits on your couch, uses your electricity and your phone, consumes the food you buy, and takes up space in your bed six nights a week, only to flip out when you ask him where the relationship is going.

You say that you spent a lot of time loving and caring for him. Now, let me ask you, has he spent a lot of time loving and caring for you?

Are you satisfied with the relationship?

How do you feel when he's with you?

How do you feel when he's away (confident and secure of your place with him, or scared that he's with someone else)?

How does he care for your child? (Does he share responsibilities with you, or are they your problem?)

If he committed to you, what would that mean? (Would he treat you the way you deserve to be treated, or would you always be fighting for his attention?)

If he doesn't commit to you, what would that mean? (Would you be willing to get over him, spend time giving yourself the love and care you once gave him, and ultimately moving on to another relationship?)

When a man refuses to give you a commitment, there's the possibility that he's doing you a favor. Is he?

I don't have the answers to any of these questions, but you do.

I definitely respect your decision to hold out for what you want, but since he's "all loving" all of a sudden, it's probably getting harder to say no to him. But stick to your guns. He's going to be part of your life because he's the father of your son, but, if he remains unwilling to give you the commitment you want, then he shouldn't be allowed to spend the night at your house, eat your food, or watch your TV.

I hope this helps.

Terry

Please Stop Reproducing

Rod Stewart, I'm talking to you.

You've already spawned offspring with Alana Hamilton, Kelly Emberg, Rachel Hunter, and they're just the women we know about. Now your latest girlfriend is pregnant, too.

Yuck.

Does she squeeze her eyes shut during sex? I would. Damn, Man, you're 60 years old!

You're No Paris Hilton

Dear Terry,

I met a man a couple of months ago, and we liked one another. Problem is, I live in the USA, and he lives in France. He asked me for pictures so, I sent him some nice photos of myself.

But this isn't what he wanted. One night while we were IMing each other, he said he had something to show me and sent me a naked picture of himself. I was taken aback for a moment.

The next day he e-mails me, telling me to send him nude pictures of myself. He says he "wants to know all of me." I was polite, but I told him I don't do that kind of thing. When the time is right, he will see me. But not on a screen.

He kept insisting, "If you love me, you will do this." I feel it is emotional blackmail. I told him I respect myself. If it meant not seeing him again then, so be it. He let up on me. Now he is starting the same old story. If I have to hear his reasoning one more time, I will scream!

Why does he insist? Is he mad? Maybe he wants to make sure he is getting "Miss Perfect." If I'm not perfect, then he will go away. Please advise me. I am tired of this. If he wants to be with me, then he must respect me.

I haven't e-mailed him as much. He wants to know what is wrong with me. I don't want to keep going over this subject. Thank you for listening. Help me?

-No Nude Is Good Nude


Hello, No Nude-

Whatever you do, do not--I repeat--do not send Henri naked pictures of yourself. Your instincts are right. Think about it: What if you were to email him the pictures, and he were to get mad at you about something? What might he do with those photos then? Blackmail you with them? Your image could be all over the Internet.

You're also right to take a statement as lame as, "If you loved me, you will do this," as a warning sign. If he loved you, he'd respect your feelings about the matter and let it drop.

I have serious reservations about this fellow. I really admire you for standing up to him, though, and I encourage you to stick to your guns. The next time somebody says, "If you loved me, you'd....," you can answer, "I guess you're right. I don't love you."

You can do better than this clown.

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Where Are You, Jon Stewart?

Come back to us, Jon! Your country needs you!

We've gotten six days of pelting rain to make up for the zero days we got over the summer. Connecticut's flooding, New Jersey's flooding, and Long Islanders are suffering massive power outages.

I tried to write acknowledgements to the people who sent flowers and attended my mother's wake, but my fingers are so cold I couldn't write (they're not having much luck typing, either). I probably should have sent acknowlegements earlier, but I wasn't up to it, you know? And the woman hasn't been dead two months yet, so perhaps Emily Post will forgive me.

As for the cold, I suppose I could turn on the heat in here, but I won't. Oil companies are showing record profits; I refuse to participate for as long as I can. I really feel for people who can't afford to heat their homes this winter.

Falling in Love, Not on Your Head

Dear Terry-

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of two and a half years almost three years ago now. We broke up because we were too young and needed time to grow. Although we have tried on numerous occasions to get back together, it has never been successful. We've both had other partners since, but we haven't been happy.

Now he has once again come back to me asking me to try again. I love him more than the world itself, and we get on great but there are a few things I don't understand.

1) Why now after three years?
2) Why is it that if he really loves me does he not ring every day?
3) Does he mean it this time?

How do you answer without saying no, but without getting your heart broken all over again? Plus, he says he can't talk to other women. Does that make me a woman of convenience?

We come from two different worlds, as well; he's a party animal, and I'm a bit more quiet. I prefer to enjoy a night with close friends, rather than go out to a busy night club.

-English Tenderheart



Hello, Tender-

You love him, but you're afraid of being hurt. That seems pretty human to me. Even if you didn't have a history with this guy, you'd be afraid of having your heart broken. The rotten thing about embarking on a relationship is that it requires you to make yourself vulnerable.

That said, you can ease your fear a bit by asking this fellow exactly what you asked me. Why doesn't he call every day if he's so crazy about you? He may have a good reason (maybe he's afraid of making himself vulnerable, too, or maybe it's a case of actions not matching up with words). Why does he want you back after three years? Only he can say, so ask him and look him in the eye when he answers. You're both a couple of years older. Is he willing to spend more quiet nights at home these days? If not, how will you feel about it?

Now, if you're afraid that you're a "woman of convenience," the answer here is not to be too convenient. See him (if, after asking the previous questions, you decide he's worth it), but you don't have to see him every day. Keep yourself busy. Continue to see your friends and, whatever you do, never break a date with a friend to be with him (unless, of course, you get a call that he's been rushed to the hospital).

To your happily ever,

Terry

The Year in Dating Advice

Dear Terry,

I really enjoy the Attracting True Love emails that
you send on a regular basis. I have been saving each
and everyone of them. I deleted them by mistake.
Would it be possible to receive past emails that
you sent your readers this year?

-Hit the Wrong Button


Dear Hit-

Whew! Had to send them one by one, but the ezines are on their way to your inbox. Thanks for the very kind words.

Anybody else who'd like to sign up for future issues of Attracting True Love (the subscription is free), sign up now!

Now I Know How Joan of Arc Felt

Just discovered this Yahoo 1980s radio station (and for the slow people in the crowd...), and what comes on but "Big Mouth" by The Smiths. I love the freaking Smiths. Saw them on the Pier in New York in 1986. The band came on over an hour late, and Morrisey was in a rotten mood, but hey, it was a great show nonetheless.

Oh! Oh! Here comes "Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction. Heaven on a rainy Friday afternoon!

Demi, Ashton, Donald, Melania, Tom, Katie

Interesting that, according to TV talking heads, Demi Moore robbed the cradle by marrying a man 15 years her junior, yet 60-year-old Donald Trump announces that he and his 35-year-old wife are going to have a baby, and nobody makes a peep.

Melania must have an excellent sense of humor. Can you imagine banging Donald Trump? Imagine what that flap of hair of his is doing while he's heaving away (sorry for the visual, but it's been keeping me up at night).

I think it was yesterday that Jon Stewart told me that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have a bun in the oven. He did this hilarous bit about Tom's penis leaping off the couch to impregnate Katie. Subsequent talking heads took snipes at Tom being a "43-year-old parent," like the guy has one foot in the grave.

Tom Cruise does carry on like a nut job, so it's fine if Jon Stewart portrays him as such. What I don't get is why the rest of the media keep playing on his--and Demi's--so-called advanced age. Why do people like Mick Jagger (who reportedly travels the globe hitting on young women), Jack Nicholson (who famously dated much-younger Lara Flynn Boyle), and Michael Douglas (who has two children with a woman exactly 25 years his junior) get a free pass?

It's stupid.

From the Mailbag...

Found some interesting stuff in the inbox this week. Here's a sampling:

Terry-

I don't know too many people in any type of business who would take the time to write such a personal response. I think what you are doing is great and a service to many single women. I feel so fortunate to have found your website, because you remind me of myself in so many ways, especially in your viewpoints and background. I saw your beautiful picture, and we even resemble each other in a way(I have red hair too). Hell, I'm damn proud of being Irish, and we are a beautiful people!

-A Fetching Fan of the Cleveland Indians

Funny, I don't remember mentioning being Irish. Is it that obvious? Your lovely comments will keep me warm all winter.

Dear Terry-

I just love all your advice because it's all so true, and it works. Thanks.

-A Lovely Lass from England

Letters like this one make my day. Unfortunately, not everyone's so generous.

Terry-

From your website you look like a prissy bitch who sits at home all day and lets her cats piss all over the house while your hard working husband shleps to work. Now that he does the laundry, maybe you can get him sanitary napkins so he can fulfill your role and you can be the man you always wanted to be. Go back to Long Island you phony bitch.

-A Douchbag in Connecticut

Have you seen my husband? Well, I've seen you (your real name came up on your email, Dimwit). He could mash you like a potato and eat you for lunch. Get help and learn how to punctuate.

Free Teleclass: Attract the Man of Your Dreams!

Want to learn sure-fire methods for attracting a man who will love you and make you happy for the rest of your life?

Do you dream of getting married to an honest, loyal, loving, successful, fun man but wind up with men who disappoint you?

Would you like to meet a considerate, exciting man who makes your happiness his first priority?

Then join me for a free one-hour teleclass on Tuesday, October 11 at 7PM/EST. I'll teach you the techniques (not tricks!) that work. The teleclass is free (your long-distance rates will still apply), but seats are limited. Write to terry@marrysmart.com to register.

This offer may not be repeated again!

Rubbing it In

At the gas station today, a man asked me if I was "rubbing it in" because I'm still driving around with a Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker.

Well, kind of.

Terrible news about Kate Moss losing three modeling contracts due to cocaine use. This guy she's dating, the unhygenic-looking singer from the Babyshambles, is, according to last month's Vanity Fair, wrecking the woman's life. Here's a lesson for you, Girls: Stay away from druggies.

I really like Kate Moss, as far as models go. The Burberry ads won't be the same without her.

I'm supposed to be putting together a synopsis for my novel. In order to avoid this, I did a little Christmas shopping this morning. I don't think I've ever gone Christmas shopping in September before.

Are You a Romantic?

I saw Bride and Prejudice today, and it made my heart glad. If you have a chance, see it!

Will lend my copy to my amazing friend, V.

My Lipstick is Trying to Kill Me!

My lovely friend, V, sent me a link to a site that tells you what the ingredients in household cleaners and cosmetics are doing to your body. While looking into lipstick, I discovered that my brand (my brand!) contains at least two hydrogenated oils.

I have been known to spend 45 minutes in the soup aisle reading labels to avoid hydrogenated oils (they've been linked to cancer, MS, heart attack, you name it; even the FDA says there's no acceptable level for ingestion). I've sidestepped every cookie-wielding Girl Scout who's crossed my path since those little green goblins allowed hydrogenated oils into their famous confections.

And here I am eating hydrogenated oil every single day of my life through my lipstick! I don't even go out for the mail unless I'm wearing lipstick! I'm doomed!

He Won't Commit

Hi, Terry-

I've been dating a guy for almost five months now. We knew each other before we started dating - while we were both dating other people. A couple of weeks after I broke up with my ex he broke up with his ex. He then asked me out only about a week later. Before we ever started dating, I always talked to my neighbors, including him, about my guy troubles. We had many conversations about why I was gonna break up with my ex and what I wanted from a guy. He would then point to himself and say that he was all of those things that I wanted.

I've been dating him since May. He is the most considerate, attentive, thoughtful guy I've ever dated. My question is at what point should I expect to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend? He asked me to be patient with him because as he says, "I'm not ready to admit it, but I really like you A LOT." I'm not dating anyone else, and he knows it, and I don't believe he's dating anyone else either.

It makes me feel very insecure. In my experience, I would wait for what I wanted and would never get it. I was way too patient. I'd stay in long-term relationships forever. I'm 34 and am not willing to do that anymore. (He's 31.) I just don't want to jump the gun now and do the opposite of what I've always done for no good reason.

We've touched on the subject a couple of times, and he's just admitted that he's basically afraid of a commitment so soon after leaving his ex.

Any opinions?

-Gotta Have Him

Dear Gotta-

I'm full of opinions.

You like him, he likes you, but he's afraid to define it. I can't say I blame him since he's just broken up with his ex, and you just broke up with yours. Getting involved with a new person is scary for so many different reasons. Hey, we've all been there.

I'm not going to tell you to wait around forever, but I don't think you should push the issue, either. He's not ready to commit. Accept that. See him when you see him, but don't be available all the time. If he calls you, call him back, but I wouldn't call him too often. (I know this is easier said than done, but it must be done.)

It helps (and it's attractive) to give him a little space (and I would suggest he give you space if it were he who wrote to me about you), so that he can better define his feelings. Don't play games with him, but he doesn't need to know your every move. Give him a chance to miss you.

Go out with your friends (if you don't have any, make some), and don't always include him in your plans. People with full, happy lives are a turn-on. In the end, if it's meant to be with this particular guy, it'll be, but if you push him to hard, you'll turn him off. That'll end it.

Put yourself in his place: Imagine dating a guy you really like but aren't sure of yet. He calls you 3 times a day, gives you a hard time when you go out with your friends (I'm not suggesting you do any of these things, but you get the picture), and so on. It's a turn off.

Go about your life, and please stop talking to your neighbors about your man problems. They only make you look like a sad sack, most importantly to yourself. Change your self-image. Tell yourself you're young, attractive, and desirable. Repeat. Repeat again.

Act accordingly.

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Querying an Agent

I've finished checking emails, taking lessons from Martha Stewart on how to fold a T-shirt (for the second time in three days), and reading the free weeklies lying about the place.

I actually sat down and drafted the query for my novel. Of course I was terrified; just put something down, I told myself. Anything. Move your fingers. The result (and it's just a first draft) isn't bad. At least I don't think it's bad.

Send your good thoughts and prayers my way, if you're so inclined. Time to clean this house; my mother-in-law is back from Nova Scotia and will conduct an inspection some time this evening.

Your Help Don't Cost a Thing

Received a missive from Equality Now asking me to write to Pakistani officials to see that a man, who raped a woman by the name of Dr. Shazia, is prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

As I write, the slug still crawls freely along Pakistani streets, while his victim fends off death threats (from her husband's family, who feel her rape has dishonored them, and from certain factions of the government). Equality Now also asked me to email Canadian authorities to give Dr. Shazia, her husband, and son asylum.

You can dash off two emails to help her, too.

It'll just take you a minute or two. You'll be so glad you did.

The Plot Thickens

This letter is a continuation of the story from In the Dark in Canada, whose situation we first addressed yesterday.


Dearest Terry-

The man moved downstairs this weekend, and it just left me rocked. I found myself going into his old room just to be near his smell and vibes, and now he's gone. I really love this guy.

Yes, I know if you look at the details, he looks really bad, but he used to never want to be apart from me. How do you know when to give up on a relationship?

I have been abused a few times, but this man was more than not an abuser. He was my best friend. I've hurt him deeply. I hurt my back at work three years ago and began to abuse painkillers. I went into rehab. He missed me so much that he wanted me to leave the program and come home. This is where it gets gray because I really felt he was being selfish and questioned whether it was love asking me to come home, or something else. I began to question our relationship.

I met a guy at one of the meetings who left me with that "tingly" feeling. There was very little to do at rehab, and I like to write. I wrote a little about him, and then started asking questions like "What am I thinking?" and "Affair?" As I wrote the word "affair" down, I had a strong feeling that was the wrong thing to do.

I left the program early so I could work out my relationship with my guy. He found the piece of paper! (I should've thrown it out because it was garbage.) He walked out on me, heartbroken. His feelings for were tainted. Can a man get over this kind of thing? He's treating me like I cheated on him, but I feel like he read my diary.

Got any more advice?

-Still Dark in Canada

Hello, there-

Okay, so now I know more of the story.

I'm no psychologist, but seems to me that this man had some trust issues, despite the fact that you'd happily been together for several years. I'm not quite sure why he didn't want you to continue with rehab. You needed help. He should have helped you get it.

Now, when he found the piece of paper, had he been snooping or did you leave it in a conspicuous place? Because if he was snooping,that indicates lack of trust as well. But if you left it lying around, perhaps subconsciously you wanted him to know you were attracted to another person. I don't mean you deliberately set out to hurt him, but sometimes we do things to sabotage ourselves without even thinking about it.

So, he found out about this attraction, and now he doesn't trust you. I guess you have to put yourself in his place: How would you feel if you found out he was considering an affair with another woman?

In other words, what would he have to do to win back your trust? Could he? I would think less about him being a man whose mind you have to change, and more about him as another human being whose trust you want to earn back.

But, before you do that, think about this attraction you harbored for another man. Even though you didn't have the affair, it was a possibility for you. This is what's getting the guy. You didn't do it this time, but you might another time. From his perspective, that's a scary proposition.

Just because you move into a house with a guy doesn't mean all the other attractive men in the world will slide off the planet. Temptation abounds. He needs to know that you're big enough to handle it.

If you think you are, then by all means, tell this guy what you told me: Yes, you were attracted to another man, you considered an affair, but didn't go through with it because you knew it was wrong. Tell him you love him.

Then, go back upstairs and back to your own life. Take good care of yourself and your boys. Your guy may need time to think things out in the privacy of his own space, or he may have already made his decision. He may come back, or he may not. Respect his decision and move on.

Before you talk to him, though, consider whether he ever really trusted you from the very beginning. It's hard to build a house on quick sand, you know. And it still bothers me that he took it out on your boys. None of this was ever their fault.

Terry