Finding Love When You're the Life of the Party

Hi, T-

I saw your comments about Paul McCartney and his new girlfriend and it's funny - I thought exactly the same thing on the age appropriate thing! There is still a major double standard on these things.

By the way, I don't often get to read the emails you send me since I am always on the road and travelling, and it's hard to find the time to read emails sometimes. But when I do I find it interesting, although much of it doesn't seem to apply to me it seems more geared to people who are shy. That is not really an issue I have. My issue is more that I am extremely outgoing, and I think because I am usually the social organizer for my group of friends, people don't think of me as a serious option to date. They think I am self-sufficient and not really looking! Plus, when I meet someone that I am in the least bit interested in, I tend to treat them worse and ignore them more than I would a casual acquaintance.....

Anyway, just thought I would share that with you.

M

P.S. Some of it turns me off a bit too when you have a topic like can you "make" a man fall in love with you. Although mostly you seem level headed. I am not a fan of any manipulative behaviour - but maybe that explains why I am still single because I don't play games!

Hello, M-

Thanks for writing and for your nice words.

About my post on making a man fall in love with you, you're very busy so you probably didn't read the whole thing, but I agree with you: It's manipulative and bound to backfire. I do believe you can "make" a man fall in love with you, but I don't recommend it.

I'm definitely not a fan of manipulative behavior.

I do, however, detail a technique for attracting the right man in that post. If you have time, please read it and see what you think.

You mention that you're the social organizer of your group. I wonder if you hang out with the same people all the time, or if you join different groups. If the group you're hanging around with tends to be static (no new people moving in), then by all means, expand your circle. Join new groups and make new friends.

If you're interested in meeting someone special, there's nothing wrong with saying so. Do it casually. Some people make the mistake of saying they're "dying to meet somebody" or they "need a man," but somehow I don't think someone who describes herself as you do would do that.

You might say to your friends, "You know, I'm at a point in my life where I wouldn't mind meeting someone." Keep it light.

You raised a red flag, however:

You mentioned that you tend to treat a guy you do like worse than you would a casual acquaintance. Think carefully about this.

Why do you do it?
Are you afraid of something?
Of what?

Write down your answers. Really look at them. Ask yourself what's the worst that could happen if the guy did or did not return your interest.

Can you deal with it? Why or why not?

Then ask yourself what's the best that could happen.

Can you deal with it? Why or why not?

If you face the things that hold you back, you can overcome them. You can start treating men you're interested in appropriately, which includes smiling, making eye contact, and making yourself available but not too available.

I'm licensed only to drive, but the fact that you treat people you like with indifference suggests that you may be, despite your outgoing appearance, afraid to get close to somebody.

I may be dead wrong, but think about it.

Terry

How to Meet People

Shortly after I moved to Connecticut, I read an article in the New York Times that claimed that New Englanders in general and Connecticut residents in particular did not welcome newcomers.

The article ran a rash of quotes by transplants who'd repeatedly been shunned. It made enough of a splash that my children's doctor, also a former New Yorker, mentioned it and said that he'd had similar experiences.

It has not been my experience.

After moving here, another former New Yorker invited me to join a wellness group that met at a friend's house. My first instinct was to say no. I had little interest in sitting around discussing the virtues of high colonics with a pack of bored housewives.

But I went. What I found was a fun, wine-drinking, engaging, intelligent group of women who later introduced me to other people like them. This led to invitations to amazing parties, nights out, connections, you name it.

I also joined Toastmasters. If you've been with me a while, you know I recommend this group to the shy folk (it helps build confidence!), but it's just great for anybody who wants to meet ambitious people with an interest in helping each other succeed. You're not going to meet a lot of losers at Toastmasters.

If you're stuck in a rut and meeting the same people day after day, shake it up. Take a chance. You know what? Maybe every single person you meet will already be married, but they may very well know somebody who isn't.

Widen your social circle, Make new friends of both sexes. One of these days, you will meet somebody special.

Five years ago, I didn't have a social life in Connecticut. Tonight I am having a party for 20 people. They all live in Connecticut, the state where supposedly it's impossible to make friends.

A Widow Finds New Love

Amy Holman Edelman lost her husband without warning to an aneurysm.

After a while, at her daughter's prodding, Amy embarked on the dating scene again, determined to find love and marry again. She tried speed dating and JDate. Then she acted upon her audacious idea to email 30 friends -- and offer an all-expense paid trip to the respondent who supplied her with Mr. Right.

How'd it work out for Amy? Check out the clip here.

How Soon is Too Soon?

If you watch as much TV as I do, you probably see a lot of people hopping in and out of bed with each other. On Desperate Housewives, Gabrielle slept with her teen gardener during her marriage to Carlos; now she's sleeping with Carlos during her marriage to Victor (well, actually, it seems Gab and Carlos killed poor Victor last night).

On Sex and the City, everybody had sex with everybody (in fact, Carrie bounced a mattress with very guy who plays Victor on DH). On Friends, Rachel and Joey spent so much time scoring it's a wonder they held down jobs. And "reality television" absolutely thrives on all sorts of sexual activity.

All this bonking leaves the average viewer wondering just what is normal sexual behavior. What's weird? What's good? What's prudish?

Whatever you do, don't tune into Entourage for guidance.

Many women (and men, I'm told) are nervous enough on a first date or at the start of a relationship, and they don't want to come across pushy, freaky, or monastic. The best thing you can do here is follow your own instincts. Worry less about what people are doing on television and more on what feels right to you.

That means, if you're comfortable going for it, be smart about it.

Here's why:

During a recent visit to my doctor's office, a pharmaceutical rep dragged in a shopping cart filled to the tippy-top with samples for Valtrex, the Herpes drug you may have seen on TV.

When I got into see my doctor, I asked her, "How many people have Herpes that salespeople drop off samples in such enormous quantities?"

"You wouldn't believe it," my doctor said. "About one out of five people are walking around with the virus and don't even know it."

One out of five!

So, please proceed with caution, lest you end up toting home your very own Valtrex starter kit. And if you do indeed decide to proceed, do not--I repeat--do not send the man flowers the next morning.

However, if you believe that sex is meant for marriage, then by all means, be true to yourself. There are plenty of men out there that feel that way, too. Chances are, they don't watch a lot of TV.

One thing I hate is a double standard, so if you're going to "hold out" in the sex department, do it for the right reasons. Do it because you want to, not because of some misguided idea that a guy will value you more. (You don't want a guy who will value you more for not having sex with him. Trust me.)

And, please, please, please don't ever give a guy the "gift" of a first time with you for his birthday or Christmas or Arbor Day. You'll only set up a weird dynamic for the relationship. (I know a woman who did this and later married the guy she presented with the gift of her body; it is not a happy scene.)

For a a good perspective on this subject, check out Jeff Mac's Manslations. Jeff offered advice to a woman who wanted to know how soon she could sleep with a guy without him thinking her a woman of "easy virtue."

My take on it: If she's a woman of easy virtue, doesn't that make the guy she's with a man of easy virtue?

Why is certain behavior okay for him but wrong for her? Is this a recipe for future happiness?

Think about it.

Paul McCartney Dating Again

Paul McCartney's reported relationship with a 47-year-old NYC Metropolitan Transit Authority board member has become big news.

I say, big deal. I wish the guy every happiness, but I wasn't all that interested in his love life until Today covered it this morning.

Producers brought in Janice Min, Editrix of US magazine, to comment as if she were a close personal friend of the supposed couple. She and Natalie Morales made several observations, and then one of them said about Ms. Shevell, "And she's age appropriate."

Which struck me.

Because Demi Moore took heat and still takes heat for dating -- and then marrying -- a man 15 years her junior. Paul McCartney reportedly dates a woman 18 years his junior, and it's "age appropriate."

Give me a break.

Can You Make a Man Fall in Love With You?

I found an email in my inbox from a reader of my newsletter who demanded to know.

Here's my take:

Yes, I suppose you can make a man fall in love with you. In the 80s, a book by Tracy Cabot (entitled How to Make a Man Fall in Love With You) suggested -- if I remember correctly -- that you determine whether your target is auditory, visual, or tactile.

Then she recommended the application of several NLP techniques, including something called 'mirroring' to make a guy feel in sync with you, which would cause him to fall in love.

According to the reviews on Amazon, her technique works. I tried it halfheartedly when I read the book all those years ago, but I felt like a fraud.

Later, during my relationship with Mister-I-Love-You-But-I'm-Not-in-Love-With-You, a co-worker told me she was an expert on making a man fall in love.

Do tell, I begged her.

Her technique involved finding out everything she could about a man's likes and dislikes. If he liked the Yankees, she learned the stats and bios of every player on the team. If he hated The Sex Pistols, she would burn Johnny Rotten in effigy.

This struck me as manipulative and a lot of work. This woman had the energy, though. She'd been married three times.

In the end, I decided I didn't ever want to "make" someone love me: If I worked to make a guy fall in love with me, eventually I'd have to work to keep him in love with me (or, more accurately, that fake-o me I'd painstakingly manufactured).

Longtime readers of this blog and my newsletter know that I wholeheartedly endorse using the Law of Attraction to draw the right man into one's life. (Hey, I used it myself, and it worked.)

For those who are new here or want a refresher, here's what you do:

1) Know what you don't want in a man (a cheater, a bragger, a liar, a bleeding bore, a financial idiot, a know-it-all, a control freak. If you're stuck, think back to the things you disliked about an ex).

2) Turn those negative qualities around. Make them positive. For example, if you don't want a liar, you want an honest man.

3) Write an affirmation: "I am happily involved with (or married to) a loyal, loving, reliable, successful, fun man." (That's an example; feel free to make up your own affirmation with the qualities that will make you happy.)

4) Rewrite, recite, think said affirmation many times throughout the day, making sure to feel the emotions you'd feel if indeed you were with such a man (this may seem tricky at first but keep it up; it works).

5) Get the heck out of the house. Join Toastmasters, hang around coffee shops on open-mic nights, go to bookstores, attend lectures in natural food stores, grab a friend and hit Monday Night Football at a neighborhood bar.

If you know what you want in a man, you're likely to recognize him when he appears. If you widen your social circle, it's very likely he will appear.

Why settle for "making" a man fall in love (which amounts to trying to fit a square peg into a round hole) when you could attract one who will make you happy for the rest of your life?

Dating Tips For the Shy Woman

Dating can be an absolute nightmare for shy people. You want to meet the right person, but you’re too scared to do anything about it.

Introductions—sticking out one’s hand and looking another person in the eye—can be terrifying. The brain locks up as you scramble to think of something relevant to say. You fall apart as soon as you’re asked what you do for a living. You stammer. The heat rises in your face and under your arms. You’re suddenly incapable of forming a grammatical sentence. You think to yourself, “Why would anyone care about me? I’m really not that interesting!”

Fear not. Many shy people have succeeded in meeting new people and forming lasting, happy relationships. With a little practice, you can too. Here are some tips for taming your social terror.

1. Prepare a pitch. The question, “So, Sally, what do you do for a living?” is bound to come up, so have a ready answer. No need to brag about capturing the company Tidy Break room Award; just state clearly what you do for a living and don’t apologize for it!

2. Ask questions. People love to talk about themselves (okay, except for people like you), so ask questions. Come up with a list before you leave the house, i.e., How did you get into that line of work? Where did you go to school? Have you seen the new Brad Pitt movie? And so on.

3. When you fumble, turn the subject to the other person. Whenever you find yourself longing to throw a blanket over your head and crawl off, try saying something like “And what about you?”

4. Listen to what the other person is saying! This is important. Instead of fretting about what you’ll say next, still the wheels of your mind and listen. If a man tells you about his weekend on the golf course, and you know absolutely nothing about golf, just ask him what he likes about it, how he got into it, etc.

5. Smile. People respond well to people who smile. No need to grin like an idiot, but a disarming smile will get ‘em every time. Smiling conveys friendliness and approachability. Show teeth whenever possible. Avoid looking like a figure at a wax museum by practicing in a mirror before you leave the house.

6. Breathe. Whenever you feel your heart racing, breathe deeply and slowly. If you really start to feel uncomfortable (your face has become so hot you could use it for a wok), excuse yourself and go to the restroom.

7. Compliment the other person. Sincerity is key, so find something you like and mention it. You may be freaked out by the idea of complimenting a man on his soulful eyes, so mention his watch, suit, tie, or even his shoes. No need to go overboard: “Nice shoes,” will do it.

8. Stay on top of current events. You don’t necessarily want to bring up your stand on Clinton v. Edwards during a first meeting, but be able to discuss less controversial issues intelligently.

9. Remember the weather! Some people have the “gift of gab,” the ability to make strangers feel like they’ve known them forever. They are fearless about talking about the weather, gas prices, whatever. Shy people worry that talking about mundane things will make them appear stupid. But seemingly dull subjects like the weather affect everybody. People relate to them.

10. Hold your head up. It’s the simplest, most effective way to look confident. Good posture, coupled with that fabulous smile of yours, gives you a “winner’s vibe.” You’re guaranteed to be a hit!

Be warned: These tips will not help you if you don’t leave the house. It’s just too easy to watch a Sex and the City rerun for the umpteenth time instead of meeting people, but I promise you that Prince Charming is never going to climb through your bedroom window.

Talking to strangers can be uncomfortable, but with practice it will surely get easier. If you have a bad night, congratulate yourself for making the effort. When you have a good night, understand that you earned it. Know that countless wonderful nights are on their way to you.

The Real Reasons People Have Sex

The current print edition of Radar magazine excerpts a list of 237 reasons people gave for having sex from the Archives of Sexual Behavior. Here are some of my favorites:

I wanted to have more sex than my friends

I wanted to "gain control" of the person

I wanted to be nice

It seemed like good exercise

I wanted to get a raise

I felt sorry for the person

I wanted to reaffirm my sexual orientation

Someone dared me

It became a habit

I wanted to keep warm

It would get me gifts

I wanted to change the topic of conversation

I wanted to end the relationship

I was tired of being a virgin.

Blew It? How to Recover a Guy's Interest

Oh, no! The guy you're crazy about finally gave you a little attention, and you swooped on him like a parakeet fighting for the last cracker in the cage. Now you're horrified, humiliated, and praying that you never see him again.

Hold on.

Believe it or not, there's hope. It is indeed possible to save face and even kindle the man's interest by doing one simple thing the next time you run into him: Be cool. In other words, smile, wave, and keep moving.

Make this your mantra. Smile, wave, and keep moving.

Put yourself in his place: You're out one night, and an otherwise attractive guy showers you with undivided attention, tries to impress you by bragging about his job, and so on. You're flattered but turned off. The guy's obviously a jerk, but you flounce home feeling good about yourself. You've got the goods, and men are noticing.

But the next time you run into the guy, he plays it cool. Instead of rushing over and gushing all over you, he merely smiles, waves, and keeps moving. It's not exactly a blow off, but it does throw you. Did you have him all wrong? Maybe you'd only imagined his interest. How much had you to drink, exactly? Did you do something to turn him off?

His sudden lack of passion intrigues you. You find yourself wondering about him. You ask around about him. You decide that his job did seem pretty interesting. He really wasn't bad looking. It suddenly occurs to you that you could definitely do a lot worse.

Do you see how this works?

While it's never a good idea to deliberately come on too strong to a guy (ideally, you should be friendly and confident), most of us have done it. Play it cool the next time you see him, and you may recapture his attention. At the very least, you'll recover your dignity.

Smile, wave, and keep moving.

Dating Mr. Famous

Hooking up with a paparazzi target isn't all that glamorous, at least according to the author of this fascinating article. Her sister dated a TV and movie star.

I'm dying to know who he is. She says he's in his early 30s and freaked out about it. He presented at the Tony Awards. He hosted SNL.

Any ideas?

During my tenure at Marvel Comics, my office mate's friend met the star of a Farrelly Brothers movie in a bar and hit the sheets with him. My office mate, a guy, spent about about an hour on the phone with her getting the blow-by-blow account.

Then he gave it to me. That's as close as I've ever gotten to dating a famous person.

Dating Advice From Rita Rudner

While shopping with my mother-in-law today, I picked up the most recent copy of Woman's World magazine, which I prefer to a lot of periodicals geared to females. It's refreshingly free of put-downs and guilt trips.

The issue featured a quote from Rita Rudner, the comedian I had the good fortune to see on a date some years ago at Governors Comedy Club in Levittown, Long Island (where I twice had the immensely great fortune to see Lewis Black).

Here it is:

"Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I wear a scent called 'new-car interior.'"

That Rita. What a card. Actually, my mother was very attracted to the smell of new cars, so it would make a good aftershave, too.

Another dating tidbit in Woman's World:

"The Trick to Being Irresistible? Make his heart do this!
Race! Whether you take him to a sports game or an action movie, the latest research reveals that being beside your guy as his heart beats faster convinces his brain that he's getting revved up because of you! In tests, men who crossed a scary bridge found the woman waiting at the other end much more attractive than did the men who crossed a safer span!"

Mmmm. Now, there's something to think about.

I also recommend going to comedy clubs with a guy you like. He's more likely to fall for you if you've been laughing together rather than forcing conversation over underdone tortellini.

Auditioning to Be a Guy's Wife

Three dates into a relationship, some women figure they've got a big fish on the hook, and they'd better reel him in fast. They start doing all sorts of wacky things, desperately hoping to make themselves indespensible to the guy.

This kind of woman wants him to see her potential as primo wife material right away, so she:

-Offers to pick up his dry cleaning

-"Makes up a plate" for him at barbecues and buffets, instead of letting him get it himself

-Insists on cooking for him instead of going out for dinner

-Makes his bed

-Slowly but steadfastly moves her belongings into his house and takes over the housework

-Offers to babysit his nieces and nephews (or his children), so he can see what a spectacular mother she'd make.

Females who choose this route usually get taken for granted. They're eventually discarded. Sure, certain guys may jump to marry such women, but they tend to be those who stay out all night with their buddies and refuse to change diapers.

A man who likes a challenge and enjoys the company of an intellectual equal will quickly grow bored. Challenging women are sexy. Women who chase after men with paper plates dripping with cole slaw are not.

Once a relationship is established (and what relationship is established after three dates? How long did it take you to get to know your best friend, for example?), it's fine to offer to pick up a guy's dry cleaning. But he should also offer to pick up yours every now and then.

Don't be quick to jump into sex roles. If the man likes to cook, congratulations. By all means, let him. If you like to fix flat tires, don't suppress the urge. Be yourself. Let him be himself. Allow your relationship to develop organically. Discover who a man really is before deciding he's "the one."

Take your time. The worst thing that can happen is that you won't wrangle yourself into a bad marriage. Remember: This is your life we're talking about.

The Key to Lasting Romance

Over the weekend, I attended the funeral of a youngish and beloved cousin.

I ran into many other cousins, all of whom are still married to their first and only spouses. Either the people in our family possess a knack for making happy unions, or we're freakishly tolerant of pain.

I'm hope it's the first one.

Over breakfast on Saturday, my aunt and I reminisced about some of her daughter's many devoted boyfriends. This cousin is happily married now, but she used to have a lot of devoted boyfriends. "She's a happy person," my aunt commented.

"Happiness is attractive," I agreed.

Later on, as we drove from the cemetery to the restaurant for the post-burial lunch, another cousin, a married and strikingly handsome man (6'6, dark-haired, blue-eyed--you'd notice him) and I talked about the qualities that make for a good marriage.

"Looks don't matter," he said. "They don't last."

"Money doesn't matter, either," I said.

"Money's not that important," he agreed (and he has it).

"In the end, you need someone who can make you laugh," I said.

"That's it."

Life certainly has its ups and downs. Who would have expected our cousin to die of colon cancer at such a young age, for instance? Imagine dealing with that while putting up with some dour loser who complains about his job all day and always manages to screw up when it's his turn to take out the dog.

Maya Angelou told Oprah Winfrey, " I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."

It's been my experience that people who freak out over nothing freak out over everything. Whatever you do, don't marry one of them.

Marry someone who makes you laugh.

Blame Yourself, Woman!

Ever find yourself arguing with a guy, and he starts telling you something (his socks on the floor, a strange pack of Virgina Slims on your side of the bed) is somehow all your fault? When you know damn well it's not all fault?

And then you start thinking, um, yeah, maybe it is all my fault. Maybe I am suspicious, boring, unreasonable, not good-looking enough, whatever.

Well, Darling, according to Manslator Jeff Mac, you have fallen for the Anger Smokescreen, the oldest trick in the book (if you're new here, Jeff Mac is the go-to guy when you want dating advice from a man's perspective).

For guidance, visit Jeff here.

He Won't Marry Her, But She Knows Someone Who Will

Dear Terry,

I have been living with my boyfriend now for about six months and whenever I bring up the idea of engagement or marriage, he freaks out and shuts me out. He says he won't consider it because of our financial situation. He knows that marriage and a family are the most important things to me, but in order for me to stay with him, I have to put all that away.

Just recently, I ran into a good friend that I haven't seen in four years and come to find out he is in love with me, and he wants to settle down and have a family with me. I am so confused. I love both of these men with all my heart, but I am so scared because I have a two-year-old daughter, and I don't want to do anything to hurt her or confuse her. I don't want to hurt anyone else either.

Who should I be with? The man who will love me no matter what and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and my daughter, or the man that loves me and my daughter, but he won't say he wants to spend the rest of his life with me yet?

-Scared and Confused

Dear Scared-

You're in a tough spot, and what you really need now is space to think. You've got a guy who loves you and wants a future, and another guy who won't talk about the future. And you love them both.

If I were you (and I'm not, I know), I would gently move myself and my daughter out of my current living situation. If I didn't have the finances to rent an apartment on my own, I'd advertise for a roommate or I'd rent a room in a house where the owner allows children. Or I'd move in with my parents, if they'd let me. But I would definitely--and I repeat--gently move out of the place I'm sharing with Mr. No Future.

Then, I'd take my time and evaluate my goals (family and children). I'd evaluate my feelings for both men. I'd evaluate their treatment towards me and my child. It's possible Mr. No Future will decide he misses you and wants to move forward with the relationship. It's possible that you'll decide you'd rather marry the other fellow. Or it's possible that you'll realize that your feelings for the other fellow were just the result of your frustration with Mr. No Future. Maybe you'll marry one of them. Maybe you won't.

Let me say this: It does concern me that Mr. No Future claims that finances are preventing him from marrying you (and the freak-out-and-shut-you-out thing gives me pause, too).

Diamond rings and big weddings cost a lot of money, but modest rings and small weddings (or elopements) usually don't. What is he really reacting to when you mention marriage? The financial commitment or the commitment to the relationship? How much of a financial commitment the two of you make is negotiable. But the commitment to the relationship is something else.

Please take your time and don't jump into anything with anybody. This is your life we're talking about--and your daughter's. Ultimately, you want to be in a relationship with a reliable man you both love, and who shares your dream of providing a stable, happy environment for her.

If you decide one of these guys fits the bill, great. But, if not, you'd be better off on your own until you find someone who does.

I hope this helps.

Terry

Beat Shyness Before It Beats You

If you're too intimidated to get out of the house and meet people, you're probably not going to meet the man of your dreams.

Consider joining Toastmasters. In case you don't know, Toastmasters is an international organization which teaches people to let go of their fears and speak in front of crowds.

According to Warren Buffett, public speaking is the most valuable skill you can acquire if you plan to be a success in business. But it's a great means of beating shyness, as well.

If you're the type who freezes in front of new people or avoids parties, take note. Go to Toastmasters to locate a club near you. Then go to a meeting. The bonus: You can attend one or two for free to decide if it's for you. If so, you'll find dues are ridiculously cheap.

In order to meet men, you have to be able to talk to them. Toastmasters can help.

eHarmony Gets High Marks

Spoke to Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan today, who told me of yet another couple who met on Match and were recently married. I told you a couple of months ago about my insurance agent's success with Match (he's engaged to be married shortly).

But the current issue of 1to1, a trade magazine geared to companies who want to improve customer relations, gives eHarmony high marks, as well. According to 1to1, eHarmony customer service reps are routinely invited to clients' weddings. It also notes that the company's "customer-centric approach is the catalyst that brings couples together from eHarmony's 14 million registered users--leading to 90 marriages every day."

How to Tell If He Likes You

Check his body language.

It'll tell you more about him than mere words ever will. For instance, what does it mean when a guy seems to be blinking more than usual? Or when his feet and toes are pointed in a certain direction?

Read this entertaining and informative article to find out.

Dating an Indifferent Man

Dear Terry-

I am currently using all my willpower to stay away from a man I have really, really loved for four years. However, it has been four years of an off-and-on relationship. I must have spent hundreds of mornings trying to think of ways to face the day without him during that time.

Now, I think I've become addicted to the pattern. Last weekend was one of the most soul-destroying weekends. It has been off again for nine weeks, and I stopped all contact two weeks ago, I just can't go through any more. My finger is itching to dial his number and just hear his voice. But in all the times it has been off, this man has never been the one to get back to me without a chance meeting, or encouragement in the form of a text or call. We even were supposed to be engaged at one stage, except, despite receiving man congratulations from so many people, he didn't tell his sons!

No wonder it is so easy for him to walk when there is some real relationship work to be done, or real commitment expected. He just thinks, I'll come running back. But I need to break this now. I cannot go on like this any longer. It's such a waste of my life.

Your tips are very good advice as I'm struggling along, but have you any heavy-duty advice to get me through the really lonely sad times?

-Addicted to Love


Dear Addicted-

Your instincts are right. Do not call this man. The way you regain control over your life, your emotions, and your happiness is by not calling him.

The fact that he refused to tell his sons about an engagement he was being congratulated about is bizarre. There's no excuse for that, despite what he might have told you (although you don't mention this), that he had to consider his sons' tender feelings, etc. The man should have considered your feelings before expressing a desire to marry you, and then subjecting you to a mess.

But you know this already.

I was in a similar situation once, utterly besotted with an emotionally unavailable, yet string-'em-along-as-long-as-possible type who I just couldn't get out of my head. Like you, I was addicted. It went on for three years before I made a decision to stop being a yo-yo and move on.

It wasn't easy, but I did it. During the lonely times, I went out to movies by myself (purely for escape). I took a trip to San Francisco by myself, as well, and stayed in a B&B, where I met new people with fresh and interesting perspectives on things. I took a trip to England with a friend from work. It's amazing how travel clears the mind, so if you can manage it, please book a trip alone or with a fun friend.

At home, most of my friends were coupled-up, and therefore not available for diversionary activities, so I made more friends. Instead of rushing for the subway after work, I started accepting invitations to go out for dinner and drinks with colleagues. I looked up some old class- and workmates who I'd lost touch with and started going out with them. I even went on a camping trip with a group of new friends (believe me, I'm an indoorsy type. Sleeping in a tent was a mile out of my comfort zone, but I ended up having a great time, and I find myself reminiscing about it often.)

In short, I did new things, which filled in the holes left by not seeing, calling, or being with a man I craved. Some things were worthwhile, and some of them weren't, but each in its small way helped me get on with my life.

Your memories of Mr. Indifferent may be exciting in a life that seems colorless without him. If you're like I was, you're sitting around doing your nails, and then an image of the two of you together flashes into your mind, and you play it over and over, and before you know it, you're dying to pick up the phone and have him in your arms again. That's normal.

What you do then is not easy at first, but it will become easier: Put the image out of your head. Yes, I know it's a pleasant image, and you' d enjoy wallowing in it while you're waiting for your nails to dry. But get up, shake your hands, jump up and down (seriously). Shake the image. Pick up the phone and call your mother, a friend, your brother, the electric company--anybody but him. Or take the dog for a walk. Go to the library. Go to a movie nobody wants to see but you. Buy yourself something delicious and healthful to eat. Treat yourself as you would a beloved child.

The key to getting over your addiction to a man is to get the man out of your head!

But consider this first: In addition to being reluctant to telling his sons about your engagement, this guy has other faults. What are they? Write them down on a card and paste it to your bathroom mirror. Write them on another card and stick it in your purse. Every time his sweet face comes floating into your brain, whip out that card (I don't care if you are on the bus) and read it. Remind yourself constantly why he must remain banished from your life.

He does not make you happy.

If this isn't enough, picture yourself married to him. It's 10 years from now, and he continues to be indifferent about your relationship. Sometimes he comes home, sometimes he doesn't. You continue to take a backseat to his sons. You must initiate all conversation and physical contact. The faults you wrote on the cards have only gotten worse over the years, and now you're legally bound to him. Sometimes it's painful and frustrating; other times you're bored out of your mind. You go to bed at night wondering what the hell you were thinking when you married him.

Some other things you can do now: Read You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. This book was instrumental in helping me get over my addiction a man who did not love me. You can also check out Hay House Radio for helpful shows you can listen to (free of charge) from your computer to keep you on track. I just checked the archive and found a show with Mona Lisa Schulz with the following description:

"February 14, 2007: A Different Kind of Love Song: Rehabilitating Your Capacity for Relationships So You Can Attract Love at MidLife

Have you thrown in the towel when it comes to relationships? Do you think you're better off alone since your love-life has been an exercise in futility? At mid-life, there is a way to rehabilitate your thought patterns for relationships so you can attract true and lasting love. Dr. Mona Lisa helps you identify and conquer a bad track record in love and relationships."

I don't know if this particular show will appeal to you (I'm not sure you're at mid-life, for instance, but there are probably some good tips in there, anyway), but some others shows may. Check out Summer McStravick's Flowdreaming, while you're at it, too.

By now, you know I'm a proponent of EFT, which I definitely would have tried in my effort to get over Mr. Emotionally Unavailable had I known about it at the time. Go to the website and download the free manual.

Then search the site for articles on 'heartbreak' or 'broken heart.' If you have a few minutes (seven, I think), watch the introductory video, too. It's entertaining. (I used EFT to rid myself of anxiety attacks and insomnia following the death of my mother, so I endorse it from personal experience.)

I understand that you're in a tough spot, but but with action and discipline you can get out of it. You can feel good without What's-His-Name! And, too bad for him when you do.

I met and fell in love with my husband about six months after I decided to end my addiction to Mr. Emotionally Unavailable.

Very best wishes,
Terry

P.S. If you haven't seen it already, I recommend you rent The Holiday, a fun distraction of a movie in which Kate Winslet's character makes an important discovery about her addiction to a certain man.

How to Spot a Bad Man

On Today this morning, Ann Curry interviewed Dr. Brenda Wade about how women can tell if they're dating a pain in the ass -- er, a narcissist. Dr. Wade also revealed how they can handle him, if they're so inclined.

Watch the clip here.

The Secret to a Happy Relationship

I get letters from readers who wonder why they keep attracting men who mistreat or disregard them. I respond by asking, "How do you treat yourself?"

Because if you're always inwardly sniping about the size of your nose or your calves, or how stupid you are, guess what? You're going to attract men who treat you the same way.

Perhaps you've noticed that certain people who aren't smart, good-looking, or even decent human beings manage to attract excellent boyfriends, sky-high paying jobs, winning raffle tickets, and so on. It's because they feel great about themselves. Somewhere along the line, their mothers or fathers or somebody instilled it in them that they are God's gift, and they've been acting upon that supposition every day since. And, fascinatingly enough, so has the rest of the universe.

It's been said that you can't really love anybody else until you love yourself first, but I'd go further. Nobody can love you until you love yourself first.

So, how do you start loving yourself?

Start by treating yourself as you would a beloved child. You wouldn't call a child you love ugly, would you? You wouldn't call her stupid when she fell while she was learning to walk. Well, treat yourself similarly.

Find something to like when you look in the mirror. Allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them. Buy things that serve you, not things you don't need and put you in debt. Eat real food, instead of the processed crap you find in the inner aisles of the supermarkets (hint: the longer the ingredient list means the more toxic it is to your health--and to your looks).

When you're in a relationship, you should treat the other person as you'd have him treat you. But he should also be treating you as he would have you treat him. Let a man's behavior toward you be the guideline in determining whether you should even be in the relationship.

Hey, sometimes you're better off being on your own. Especially if you're on your own with somebody who loves herself.

Love yourself, and your next relationship will be better. I promise.

Meet Men Everywhere

Women frequently ask me where they can meet men.

The Internet is a good place to start. Two of my male friends became engaged in recent months to women they met through dating sites.

But if that's not your thing, bars are good, too. Now, I'm the daughter of a woman who deplored bars and maintained that men didn't marry women they met in them, but here I am, married to a man I met in a bar. And the guy doesn't even drink.

I received an email yesterday from an irate reader of my newsletter who said, "I don't want a man who drinks, and I don't want a man who hangs out in sports bars."

Well, it's good that she knows what she doesn't want. However, it would be better if she defined what she does want, perhaps a guy who is kind and has a good sense of humor and lives within his means (or whatever; I'm just filling in the blanks here).

The wonderful thing about knowing what you want is that you tend to recognize it when it shows up, wherever it shows up. So make a list of what you do want. Some people claim that this sets you up for failure because no man is perfect. But are you perfect?

Look, no guy is going to meet all your expectations all the time (but he should meet your most important expectations; he shouldn't have a secret second family across town, for example). Be flexible.

Being flexible doesn't mean settling for a guy who smells funny, or who goes to bars if you hate bars. But do write a list about what would make you happy in a man and in a relationship. God knows you know what you don't want, so turn things around.

It's just as likely you'll meet a guy who meets your requirements at the Orange Julius counter at the mall as in a bar, anyway. You could meet him at the cleaners. Or at the post office. Or on a train (a good reason not to drive). Instead of huffing and puffing as you wait on line at the supermarket, think pleasant thoughts instead. You never know who might be watching.

Or course, the Law of Attraction magnetizes worthwhile suitors, too. What the mind conceives, it can achieve. Please don't thwart your efforts by telling yourself all the good men are married or dead. You pretty much ensure you won't find anything but disappointment that way.

Think Ed Harris, Not Ed Asner

This morning, I received a press release about women's true feelings about bald men. I think it's worth reprinting here. An anonymous reader sent it to me in response to a post I wrote in July about sexy bald men.

Ed Harris is sexy. Nick Hornby is sexy. Men who hide thinning hair under bandanas, baseball caps, and scary comb-overs are not sexy. Hair plugs and toupees are hallmarks of crippling insecurity.

Men, if you're bald, stand proud. Revel in the testosterone that rendered you hairless.


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

2007 Survey Results released on Female Opinions of Bald Men

97% of women surveyed say bald men can be sexy; 71% oppose bald men getting transplants; a bald man’s confidence is very important to women surveyed.

COON RAPIDS, Minn. (September 17, 2007) The Brotherhood of Bald People Worldwide has released the results of their 2007 survey featuring opinions from women on bald men.

The 23-question survey was presented to women residing in various places within the United States to get their opinions and attitudes toward bald men, their sex appeal, dating, and overall opinions on baldness. Complete survey results are posted on The Brotherhood of Bald People Worldwide’s website at www.brotherhoodofbaldpeople.com.

Bret Michaels, are you listening?

Dumped Before the First Date

Hi, Terry-

I am on an internet dating site and having a lot of fun and meeting some great men. Now and again though, I am faced with an email that I am not sure how to respond to.

Case in point: I have been corresponding with a pretty cute guy via email over the past week. Emails were fun and flirtatious, and he mentioned that he would like to meet me soon.

A day later he wrote this:

“I must let you know that I’ve recently found some success with the dating site and, while it’s early days, I want to give it every chance so, unfortunately we won’t be able to meet, for now.

Please keep my contact details as, who knows? If things don’t work out, I’ll be in touch.

Thanks again for your interest, I’m quite flattered.

Best wishes,
Internet Guy"

I feel he is trying to keep the door open by keeping me as a ‘backstop’ and has therefore lost his chance with me. Or perhaps I am being too hasty and should keep an open mind about this.

What are your thoughts? I have to say that any attraction I felt for him died on reading that email!

So how should I respond --if at all? Or should ‘no reply’ be my answer?

-Disappointed

Chin up, Disappointed-

I don't think he's using you as a "backstop." On the contrary, I respect him for telling you the truth and not stringing you along. Look, it's very possible that the new relationship he's hoping will work out won't work out, and I think you'd do well to keep the door open because this guy has shown you three very good things:

1) He is sincere about wanting a relationship.
2) He is honest and considerate of your feelings.
3) He intends to treat the woman he's dating now honorably.

I don't blame you for being disappointed that your flirtation was suddenly cut short. What a bummer. Rejection is never pleasant, is it?

So, my advice to you is to keep on doing what you've been doing. Meet men online and otherwise. If this guy writes to you again, and you manage to resurrect your attraction, why not resume your acquaintance?

In the meantime, I'd write to him and tell him the truth: You're sorry the friendship was cut short, and that you enjoyed corresponding with him. Then I'd add, "Best wishes for every happiness in your new relationship," or something to that effect.

There's no guarantee that you'll be available to date him if things don't work out, but at least you'll have demonstrated that you're a kind woman he'd do well to look up.

-Terry

Crock of Love

Last night's Rock of Love: Reunion on VH1 brought the LSEs (in case you haven't been following, LSEs are the women of low self-esteem who competed for the affections of Poison front man, Bret Michaels) back into one room to reminisce about the drama of sharing a house for a couple of weeks.

The show's winner, a bright and attractive 23-year-old named Jes, showed up, too, seemingly having come to the realization that her prize is no prize at all. Due to show rules, she and Bret weren't allowed to see each other for six months (or until the series aired, to avoid spoiling the outcome). You could liken her demeanor to that of someone who woke up with a wicked hangover after a Jaeger Meister binge: What the hell was I thinking?

She all but handed Bret back to her former rival, a stripper named Heather, who'd proclaimed her love for the follically-challenged singer. Heather was only too glad to be able to take another shot at him.

Since I do believe the theory that women who love substandard men tend to suffer poor relationships with their own fathers, I don't get Heather's passion for sleep-around Mr. Michaels. Heather seems to enjoy a happy relationship with her dad. In a previous episode, we Rock of Love viewers witnessed her and Bret slapping knees while the old man went through his repetoire of fart stories.

Why any woman would pine for Bret baffles me. Jes seemed utterly bored by him during her reunion with him last night, but Sam, the contestant ridiculed for excessive sensitivity, explained the disillusionment that resulted in her desire to pack her bags and get the hell off the show.

She said, that at the beginning of the taping, she'd hoped to forge a "mental connection" with the Poison singer, but she soon saw that it was impossible, especially since she'd learned he'd been having sex with another contestant, a troublemaker named Lacy. He'd also engaged in a three-way with two other contestants.

"I could never trust you," she earnestly told Bret. He sat there and nodded, too dumb or depraved to understand that she'd insulted him in the worst possible way on national television.

But she told the truth.

In the end, I felt sorry for old Bret, grasping at the last straws of fame under his bandana and pancake makeup. He doesn't get that it's not sex and booze that make for an enduring rock career (ask Springsteen). It's the ability to grow as a person and as an artist. The music has to go beyond the sentiment of "Talk Dirty to Me."

Honesty helps, too.

Show us what's under the bandana, Bret.

She's In Love With an Older Man

Dear Terry-

I have an unusual and stressful problem, not to mention complicated. My ex is now 50, and I'm nearly 21. We finally became a couple last year after years of dancing the tango and him not admitting how he really felt--we were together and finally happy.

I got ill in the summer and ended up in the hospital, and he stuck by me through thick and thin; however, we split up after I came out--from what I can piece together this is my father's fault because he put all the blame at my ex-boyfriend's feet and caused him a hell of a lot of grief. G (my ex-boyfriend) couldn't sleep and was phoning all the time to find out how I was doing but had nothing but grief from my family who wouldn't let him see me.

A year later, we are becoming closer again, but she says he loves his ex--an ex that has been married for 15 years. They did used to have an affair, but that stopped over 10 years ago, and I think he is using her as an excuse to avoid being with me, or the heartache from my father.

We stood in the kitchen together last night while my dad was cooking, and G had his arm around my waist. My dad came up and took his arm from around my waist and told him to keep it off because I "could take it the wrong way."

Now, if G's starting to subconsciously want to touch me and hold me, then I do think he still cares and wants to be with me, but with the interference from my dad it's becoming difficult, that and the old scars from his past relationships. Now, if he still loved his ex last year, he wouldn't have begun a relationship with me. He's not that type, so I do think he's hiding behind her for several reasons.

So the question is this:

How can I subtlely get him over the past and back on track? I love this man with all my heart and want to marry him, but I need him to get over the past for us to begin a future.

Kind regards,
In Love and Longing

Dear In Love-

Whew!

Did I read it right when you say you're almost 21, your ex is 50, and you finally got together after "years of dancing the tango?" How old were you this tango started?

About your father: It seems to me he's desperate to protect you from getting hurt, and he doesn't trust your ex. Now, you're a grown woman, and you can make your own decisions, but your father is seeing red flags.

Be honest with yourself. What red flags might your father be seeing? Whether you choose to heed them is entirely your decision, but please slow down long enough to at least acknowledge them.

Now, about the grief your father is throwing your ex-boyfriend's way: Your ex is a 50-year-old man. He should be able to endure a little resistance from the man who helped bring you into the world. Your father loves you and is rightly trying to protect you (wouldn't you try to protect him?). With a little determination, your ex could stand up to your father and prove himself worthy of you.

That is, if he's so inclined.

About your ex's ex: She may be married for 15 years, but that doesn't mean anything if your ex still cares about her. If he says he does, take him at his word. Yeah, I know it hurts. I know it's not what you want to believe. But, trust me, it beats wasting your life torturing yourself over a guy who may be wholly incapable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved.

Now, what if I'm wrong, and he does indeed love you? Well, it is up to him to come to terms with his feelings and act on them. Is it intelligent to love somebody and walk away from her? No, it's not.

If he loves you and is an intelligent human being, he will find a way to love you in spite of his fear. You will not have to search for evidence of his affection for you. You will see it, feel it, hear it, touch it, and taste it every day of your life.

About marrying him: At the risk of sounding ageist, he is 30 years older than you. When I was in my 20s, I was besotted with a professor 31 years older than me. My mother sobered me up fast. She said, "Yeah, he seems pretty great now, but you could end up one day taking care of a very old man."

So now I'm saying the same thing to you.

Think about it. If you're lucky, you'll be 50 one day. This guy will be 80. Can you picture him today in a relationship with an 80-year-old woman?

I didn't think so.

Now picture yourself taking care of an 80-year-old man: Your friends want to go the theater, but your husband wants you to stay home, feed him his pills, and watch him fall asleep in front of the news.

Whatever you decide to do about this man, know this: It's not possible to "subtlely get him over the past." Only he can get himself over the past. Only he can get himself over whatever it is that's stopping him from giving you what you want out of the relationship.

There are other men out there, you know. Please be open to the possibility that one of them might make you a lot happier than this guy.

What's Not Fun About Being Friends With Benefits?

According to an article in yesterday's New York Times, being friends with benefits has drawbacks. Read it here.

In other news, this morning's Today Show featured a story about single guys in their 20s who've had vasectomies to ensure they don't ever end up wearing a backpack with a small human in it. Check out the video here.

Considering that some fathers of four in their forties fear submitting their tender bits to flinty untensils, I'd say these fellows are mighty brave.

Toby Byrum, the vasectomee interviewed for the Today piece, said that despite the fact that he's sterile, some women still think they can convince him to reproduce.

For some reason, I think it's probably not a good idea to try to persuade a guy who's gone to desperate lengths not to have children that he'd make a great father.

Dazed and Confused

Dear Terry-

A certain guy I have been friends with for many years approached me and told me he is interested in me, and that he cares about me. He said with time, he surely hopes something will materialize. He said he is a serious guy and wants a serious relationship, but he indicated "soon."

Am a little confused as to what he is thinking.

He calls now and again, sends emails and texts and sometimes he goes quiet. When he sees me chatting with another guy he gets jealous.

What should I do? Please help.

-A Tenderheart in Need of Guidance

Dear Tenderheart-

Keep chatting with other guys, not to make this one jealous, but because you're not involved with him and have every right to enjoy the company of other men.

If he truly wants something to "materialize" between you, well, then shouldn't he see to it that it does? What is he waiting for?

You say you're confused as to what he's thinking. Guess what? It's not your job to figure out what he's thinking. It's his job to communicate it to you. Keep your responses to his texts and emails brief and to the point. If he "goes quiet," don't attempt to contact him.

He said cares about you and wants a relationship. Let him prove it. Until then, have fun and keep moving. If he ends up losing you, he'll have nobody to blame but himself.

-Terry

Mock of Love

It came down to Heather and Jes on the finale of Rock of Love last night. At long last Bret made his decision, but not until he spread his man-seed around one last time.

Parts of last night's episode proved truly revolting. After spending the night with Bret, Heather warned Jes, who was on her way out for her date with Bret, to remember where his mouth had been the night before. Jes made some allusions to Heather needing a shower earlier on, complaining that she smelled of "rotten _______."

My stomach is still turning.

Jes "won" Bret (as if anyone really considers him a prize) when she passed his last and final test. As she and Heather stood before him for the ordination phase of the show, he asked if they'd consider sharing him.

Our hero requested Heather's answer first. Poor fool probably figured that saying 'yes' would ensure her safety; after all, Bret confessed to finding girl-on-girl action hot in a previous episode, and by the way he'd been throwing his bod around, monogamy didn't appear to be his strong suit.

"I'd love to," she told him.

Wrong answer.

Jes told him what he wanted to hear, that she could never share a man she loves. It just wasn't "in" her.

And so Bret told Heather their love was not to be, which sent her running to her limousine, probably back to the strip club whence she came. She launched into a hilarious tirade about what an a-hole loser he turned out to be, and worried what the hell is she going to do with his name tattooed on her neck.

Meanwhile, the rest of us are left wondering exactly what vinyl-like hair substitute our hero had peeking from behind his bandana. Surely, VH1 could have thrown the guy a decent toupee.

How Much Sex Is Too Much Sex?

Men think about sex about every seven minutes.

But what about women? What about you? Are you some kind of a sex addict, or do you just enjoy a healthy appetite?

Former fatigue sufferer and Get Ready for Love radio host Viveca Stone-Berry interviews Dr. Charlotte Kasl to discuss women, sex and addiction.

Click here and listen in.

Down, Boy!

Hi Terry,

I just love your advice and down-to-earth common sense. Would love your opinion on my own individual situation and wonder if this happens to any other women.

I am on an internet dating service, and I get heaps of contacts and my choice of dates from desirable men.

However, from date one they seem very keen, almost too keen and start talking romance straight away, then sending me texts professing their interest and desire. This freaks me out a little and I feel they are coming on too strong, too soon.

When I try to slow the pace down to a level that is comfortable to me, they seem to take offence and move on to someone else pretty quickly.

Last week, for example, I met a great guy for a coffee after he contacted me on the dating site. It was obvious he was really into me and asked me out to dinner that coming weekend. I wasn’t sure if I was attracted to him or not. I need more than one date usually to know.

When he phoned me during the week he came on pretty strong again, so I suggested we start just as friends initially.

He then emailed me later to cancel the date with the excuse that he was giving dating a miss for a while. But he has continued to stay on the site, so this seems untrue and was his way of giving me the brush off.

So, now I am wondering if I am sabotaging these relationships too early, or if these men are not able to accept what I consider to be reasonable boundaries.

Please help. I am now ...

-Confused

Dear Confused:

Thanks for the kind words.

Judging by the response you're getting online, you must be very attractive! The fact that the men you meet are smitten with you is an excellent sign, as well.

However, you're right to take things slowly. Why shouldn't you be allowed to take your time in getting to know a man and letting an attraction develop?

Unfortunately, once you say, "Let's start out as friends," lots of men interpret that to mean, "I'm not interested in you."

If a man starts coming on too strong, you might smile and say, "Let's see what happens. I'm looking forward to dinner Saturday night."

If he sends a flowery text, I'd respond the same way. That way, you can hold him off a bit without letting him think he's been rejected.

-Terry

Help for Women Who Date Online

Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan told me yesterday about What Do You Know About Romeo, a site that calls itself a "collective of women who want to help out their fellow women by reviewing the guys they've met online." They cover all major online dating sites, so check it out by clicking here.

The bonus? Membership is free!

Why He Fell in Love

Originally uploaded by Maybell21

Last Thursday, I got to talking to an Australian man (let's call him Tim) in the waiting room at the eye doctor's. I'm acquainted with his wife; we attend the same networking meeting at the Huntington Street Cafe.

I asked him how they met. He told me he'd been traveling around the world and had taken a job at a YMCA in New Canaan, Connecticut, where his wife (let's call her Susie) was also employed. She was much younger than he, but they became friends. Eventually, he got to know her parents and siblings. He thought of them as his American family, and of Susie as a little sister.

He went back to Australia.

For the next five years, he and Susie wrote to each other. "A handwritten letter is something you can hold in your hand. It means that someone actually cared enough to sit down and write to you," he said. "Over time, our relationship changed. I became attracted to Susie. She was the most genuine person I'd ever met."

The guy fell in love with his wife not because she was beautiful, big-breasted, rich, or the owner of a classic Corvette. He fell in love with her because she was genuine.

"By 1996, she wasn't too young for me anymore. She visited my family and me in Australia, and we got married there."

The third drawer in the dresser of the bedroom they now share contains every letter they sent one another. He plans to pass them onto their son some day.

The Truth About the Guy Who Liked You...and Then Didn't

Gotta love Manslator Jeff Mac for telling women the truth about men.

At Manslations today, he explains why that guy who seemed so crazy about you suddenly stopped calling. Read it here.

Knowledge is power.

Schlock of Love

The best thing about VH1's Rock of Love is witnessing the ease with which Bret Michaels spreads his affections. He kisses each and every one of the show's low self-esteemed contestants with heart-melting tenderness and passion. He tucks his chin and pours his eyes into the eyes of whomever happens to sit across from him.

A few years ago, Nicole Kidman won an Academy Award for playing Bret Michaels in Moulin Rouge.

Last night's Rock of Love, intended to tease us in TV Land into a froth for next week's finale (will it be Jes or Heather? I'm so excited I cannot breathe!), took us behind the scenes of earlier episodes.

One highlight showed 44-year-old Bret playing Butt Bongo Fiesta with "Rodeo," the personal trainer/clothing designer/single mother of a 7-year-old. In another memorable moment, crazy vegetarian Lacey tore chicken breasts with her bare hands and hid clumps in her rivals' pillows (better watch out, Lace; keep it up and PETA will take away your T-shirt).

The moneyshot, of course, featured the girl-on-girl action we all clamor for: Heather, the knucklehead with Bret's name tattooed on her neck, making out with some other knucklehead.

While I'll definitely tune in next week to see how this debacle ends, I'm not particularly interested in seeing which of the two remaining LSEs (or women with crushingly low self-esteem) Bret chooses. A recent Google search turned up an interview with our hero, in which he said that the relationship with the mother of his two daughters (you read that right; Butt Bongo Baldie is a father -- of girls!) "may have a future."

Clearly, Bret doesn't know his ass from his elbow, so say a prayer for his children and their mother. In the meantime, somebody please buy the poor bastard another beer bong.

Gotta Love 'Dear Abby'

Her column today featured a letter from a woman who met her husband under the most unusual circumstances.

You can read it by clicking here (after today, click and key 'Woman's Online White Knight Becomes Her Prince Charming' into the search bar on the Dear Abby homepage.

I really liked Abby's take on the subject of meeting men online vs. offline.

O.J. Simpson's Girlfriend

It's hard to believe that any woman would hang around with the likes of O.J. Simpson, but 12 years ago, a pretty 20-year-old started dating the accused wife killer. They've been together ever since.

Her name is Christie Prody. She's now 32 and looking a bit worse for wear. I guess loving O.J. isn't easy. Here's a clip from this morning's Today Show about this woman who friends describe as "a shy girl."

After the original broadcast, Today brought in relationship experts to discuss Prody's unfortunate attraction. Dr. Drew Pinsky maintains that women who go for bad bets like O.J. are often expressing a subconscious wish to heal difficult relationships with their own fathers.

Is America Ready for a Woman President?

When I was a little girl, I really and truly believed we'd have one by now, but it didn't happen.

Last night, The Daily Show's Samantha Bee offered her perspective on the question. It's hilarious, and you can watch it here:



My friend's husband, a cardiologist who grew up in Greece, says it's high time America got with the times and elected a woman to its highest office. He backs Hillary.

It's way too early for me to decide who I'll vote for (although I'm quite sure who I won't vote for). I just wish more than one woman had stepped up to run this race.

Bitches

Yesterday, I objected to the current fashion of substituting the word "bitch" for "woman." It's bad enough when a guy does it (actually, it's a red flag, so don't date him), but it's especially troubling when females do it.

You hear it on reality television, but real-life women and girls love to "bitch," too. I know a group of attractive, middle-class girls from Connecticut who routinely refer to each other as "bitches." Sometimes they get fancy and call each other, "bee-yotch."

It's idiotic.

Not only do they consider people of their own sex mongrels, they take style pointers from Paris Hilton (one of them actually carries a little purebreed in her purse). They live their lives according to the gospel of Teen People.

Unfortunately, some of their post-college counterparts also suffer from the disease that makes them disrespect other women.

On Saturday night, I went out with friends. While we were having drinks after dinner, a group of 20-something women cackled at a forty-ish woman as she danced to "Living On a Prayer" by Bon Jovi. Then one of them further insulted the dancer by swiping her seat at the bar. Did it ever occur to these dopes--if they're lucky-- that they'll be 40 one day?

To cap things off, yesterday my daughter came home from school and told me of a conflict she had with girl in her class, who likes to go by the nickname, "Albanian Slut."

Albanian Slut cornered my daughter. "Do you have a crush on B___________?" she barked. "You better not, Bitch! You stay the #@#$ away from my man!"

Her man? These girls are 12 years old.

In case you haven't noticed, most guys don't treat each other this way.

Women complain that we're still second-class citizens, but a lot of the time it's our own fault. If you call other women "bitches," guess what? You're the problem. If you spend half the day on the phone criticizing other women, you're the problem.

And if you think you have to degrade other women to get a man's attention, you're really the problem.

Rock of Sleaze

VH1's Rock of Love lost any charm it once possessed last night with the broadcast of "Meet the Parents."

The parents of the three remaining LSEs (or women who hold themselves in startling low self-esteem) were rolled in to meet Bret Michaels, the egomaniacal frontman of the the forgettable '80s hair band, Poison.

It's bad enough that any human being would willingly subject herself to the humiliation Bret and the show's sadistic producers shell out, but it's inconceivable that she would do it in front of her parents.

Bret took each of the LSEs and the people who spawned them on a field trip, in an effort to get to know them better. Heather, the stripper who had our hero's name permanently branded on her neck, and her crew got to go to Bret's favorite restaurant.

While enjoying a beer bong, Heather's purple-faced father treated his host with fart stories, which had Bret slapping his knee in earnest. Who knew that Bret Michaels loves a good fart story? What a regular guy! Then Heather treated us to a spirited performance on a mechanical bull.

Next, Bret took Jes and her parents shopping for rock star clothing, gleefully transforming Jes' middle-American-looking, middle-aged mother into the village idiot.

Then our hero met up with Lacey, the resident wacko, and her wacko father and surprisingly sane-looking stepmother. Lacey's dad bragged that he's a successful man and informed Bret that if he wanted to marry his daughter he'd have to sign a pre-nup.

Later on, Heather revealed to Lacey's parents (and everybody else) that Lacey had been providing Bret with oral sex, while she, good girl, hadn't done "anything sexual" with him. She is clearly the better person. Lacey is a slut! An evil, evil slut! Heather then announced that she is in love with Bret, the recipient of said oral sex.

Is it just me who sees the flaw in Heather's logic? (If her parents did, we weren't privy to their objections.)

Incensed, Lacey's father tracked down Bret to investigate. Cut to Bret, who confided to us in TV land, "Wow. Every rock star's nightmare. A man asking if his daughter's been s______ your c_____.

Note to Bret: It's usually best not to refer to oneself as a rock star when it just underscores the sad reality that you're really not. Bruce Springsteen is a rock star. So is David Bowie. And Ann Wilson. And Chrissy Hynde. And dead people like John Lennon and Jerry Garcia.

But you? No.

I still cannot understand what any of the LSEs stands to gain by winning this "rock star." (My cousin maintains they're all actresses hungry for exposure, but somehow I doubt any of them will show up in Hedda Gabler, let alone on The View.)

Lacey got the boot last night, so we're down to Jes and Heather. My money was on Jes for a while, but she's got this terrible habit of calling other women "bitches," and it's kind of hard to abide.

Secrets of Attraction

Viveca Stone-Berry interviewed Sandra Ann Taylor, author of Secrets of Attraction: The Universal Laws of Love, Sex, and Romance (I've read it and recommend it), for her Get Ready For Love radio show.

Listen by clicking here.

Law of Attraction Strikes Again

Sophia Loren, Venice, 1955

Well, I'm going out with The Girls on Saturday night (and not the ones I gave birth to, either). It's a major feat scheduling the group of us into the same place at the same time, but it looks like we'll pull it off.

Despite the fact that we'll drink like sailors, these special evenings require a modicum of glamour, so I ran the contents of my closet through my mind to put together the perfect outfit. I decided on the gray pleated A-line skirt with the fitted V-neck black top, except I could not find the top. Anywhere.

Last night, I decided to go shopping this morning for a similar top. Oh, and a pair of patent leather pumps. And a bag (it's time to retire that white thing I carried around all summer). I found the last two items, but the right top eluded me. I found something similar with a crew neck, but that will not do.

So I drove home and rummaged through my drawers and my closet and the offsprings' drawers and closet--and came up empty again. But all the while I saw myself Saturday night in my outfit. I had it down to lipstick and earrings. I felt myself in it.

Later on, as I left a voice mail for my aunt, the doorbell rang. It was the postman with a package from my friend, M, who'd called Tuesday to say she was sending me a teapot and some clothes she'd bought on a whim and never wore.

A few hours later, while watching the rerun of last night's Daily Show, I opened M's box and discovered the very top I need for Saturday night.

This not the first time I used LoA to attract the right outfit, although in the past, I've actually drawn on paper the dress I wanted to wear to a wedding--and then gone out and found it (which beat sewing it, that's for sure).

For those of you who are just joining me, I also used the Law of Attraction to meet the kind of man I wanted to marry. Then I married him.

You In the Nude?

Recently, a reader wrote in to ask my opinion of her new boyfriend's request that they exchange nude photos via email. At the time, I thought it was a no-brainer. Why would any intelligent person consider doing such a thing, especially in the Internet age?

I wrote to tell her that it was a terrible idea. Since then, I've learned that taking nude photos and performing in homemade porn flicks rivals the popularity of, say, the craze for brewing one's own beer in the early 1990s.

For example:

A couple of weeks ago, a mild-mannered, churchgoing man told me that he threatened a neighborhood teen not to copy or distribute a sex tape in which the boy appeared with the man's daughter.

And...

A newlywed couple invited their parents over to view footage from their Caribbean honeymoon. They accidentally screened parts of it that should have been kept in the dark.

And...

While cleaning out a closet, a teenage girl came across a stack of nude photos of her older brother and his wife.

Do you get where I'm going with this?

Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and now Vanessa Hudgens (that's V in the photo) have shown up on the Internet in the buff, and it amounts to brilliant publicity. They're celebrities. But for real people like you and me, posing nude or performing sex acts for the camera inevitably results in disaster.

Resist all temptation.

Dating Advice From a Man Who Knows

When you want to know what a guy is thinking, it helps to get a man's perspective.

That's why I love Jeff Mac. He's smart, compassionate, and funny (when he's not dispensing love and dating advice, he's a comedian; you may have caught his act on Comedy Central).

Check out Jeff's take on your chances of becoming the 'girlfriend' instead of the 'friend,' what it means when a guy doesn't make a move, and the truth about those tricks women's mags prescribe to drive a guy wild in bed here!

Got something to ask Jeff? He's taking questions..

He's Not Your Mr. Right

Dear Terry:

Earlier this summer I invited a guy I was dating steadily to attend a concert with me this coming weekend. The tickets cost me $160.00.

NOW HERE'S THE DILEMMA: We I haven't been out together since August 5th, althought I did see him August 11th to pick up a hat I left in his car. That parting was cold and indifferent. The last bit of warmth I felt from the guy was in July .

(Although he did call on Labor Day to invite me to play golf. I wasn't available, so I called him on his cell and left a voice mail and sent him an email too. Heard nothing since...)

Back to the concert: What should I do about it? Should I remind him? Am I still entitled to go with him?

Please help. Time is ticking on this one.

-Confused North of the Border

Dear Confused:

Today is Tuesday. Email this person and remind him about the concert. Tell him that if you don't hear from him by tomorrow evening that you will give his ticket away.

In the meantime, line up someone fun to take it (friend, relative, co-worker, whatever) in case he doesn't get back to you. Go to the concert. Make a firm decision to have a great time.

Stop thinking about the money you put out; what's done is done.

Your previous emails to me indicate that this guy is probably not the right man for you. If he doesn't contact you, be grateful you weren't stuck wasting another perfectly good Saturday night with him.

Bret Michaels In Vegas

You really need a pen and a notebook to fully enjoy Rock of Love. Some of the stuff that comes out of Bret Michaels' mouth is hilarious. (I didn't have the proper equipment on hand last night, so forgive me for paraphrasing.)

To help determine which of the four LSEs would go home this week, Bret took them to Las Vegas (where, odds are, he's bald as a bean underneath the 'do rag) to see him in concert.

"They've seen Bret Michaels the man," he explained, "and now I want them to see Bret Michaels the rock star." Actually, the way he said it was even more obnoxious, so catch the repeat if you have the stomach for it tonight at 6.

Two of the LSEs got wasted at the concert after-party (which appeared to be little more than being forced to booze it up with a couple of band members--no Bret in sight-- in a storage closet; furthermore, you'd think a rock-n-roll party would include music). Then, all four of them went off to meet Bret in his room for dinner, where the LSE in the above photo threw up at the table.

The winning (or, in this case, best-behaved) LSE got to stick around for a nightcap. Jes, the pretty, pink-haired Mother Teresa, who cleaned up the Vomiting Wonder, was rewarded for her efforts. Lucky girl exclaimed the next morning, "I got to know him sexually!"

But not before Bret announced:

"After I pulled Brandi's head out of the toilet, she said the most touching thing to me. She said she's falling in love with me."

Later on in the show, The King of Chastity spent a night with another LSE, not Brandi, but a volatile (and possibly psychotic) person named Lacey. The way Bret spreads the love around, somebody might want to send him out for a blood test.

In the end, Vomiting Brandi packed her bags, despite the proclamation of love she made from that cold tile floor. Lacey, Jes, and Heather (the LSE who had 'Bret' tattooed onto her neck last week) will return next week for more hijinks.

Beauty Tip For a Hot Date

To avoid showing up looking like you've been shot out of a cannon, sleep is paramount. Former insomniac Viveca Stone-Berry offers this round-up of tips that'll put you in dreamland in no time.

While some of the tips are aimed to women with children, others will benefit any woman --or man-- in need of a good night's sleep (I especially like Tips 5 and 6 myself).

No pills or booze required.

Too Provocative to Fly 'Family Airline'

This woman was kicked off a Southwest flight for being dressed inappropriately (watch the Today Show clip here).

Even though Today viewers caught a flash of underwear when she sat down, her outfit resembled the stuff lots of women (and Abercrombie-clad preteens) wear to the mall. She's carrying more fabric than the broads on Desperate Housewives, that's for sure (well, except maybe for Lynette).

On a planet where PTA members take their children to Hooters for dinner ("The best hot wings!" they squeal), the line between appropriate and inappropriate dress has blurred to oblivion.

Gotta wonder about the real motive of the "gentleman" crew member who lectured this passenger about her attire on a "family airline." My guess: His girlfriend just kicked him to the curb, and he needed to humiliate somebody.

How to Email a Guy In a War Zone

Dear Terry:

I have really, really enjoyed and benefited from your emails since I signed up. It's great perspective.

I have a question to throw into the mix. While there are a number of potential candidates for dates at the moment, the man I think I like the bet is, unfortunately, deployed to Iraq. I've never met him; he's someone my Dad thought would be great for me, but we're both formerly married, so the conversation got going over email last January when it became clear we were both now divorced and available. Initially, I just treated it as a sort of a reach-out to a person in a war zone and therefore under considerable distress (my small part to help the troops...Yadda yadda yadda).

But we have a great deal in common (as it turns out), and my Dad may well have been right (wonderful man, my Dad) that this guy is a good match.

So what I'm wondering is this: If you've never met someone, and he's in a war zone, how ought you conduct a "relationship," or at least a semi-romantic exchange? Do the rules shift at all? The specific instance is that there are more occasional gaps of several days between his messages. As a general rule, one should not (did I get this right?) send more messages to a man than one receives. Does this rule still apply in this particular situation? I feel I'm in an awkward compromise between trying to be a compassionate stateside perspective provider and a candidate for girlfriend/wife at some future time. So I'm perplexed.

Thanks again!

-E.

Hello, E.-

I definitely respect and admire your compassion for the troops, but no, I don't think the rules shift. You write, he writes, you write, he writes.

Let's pretend you're the one deployed to Iraq: You get a message from a guy you don't know who turns out to be the son of an acquaintance. Intriguing.

You write back. He writes back.

You get sent somewhere where you don't have access to a computer. When you get back, you are immediately sent somewhere else where you don't have access to a computer. In your few spare moments, you roll the contents of your correspondent's last message around in your head. You mentally formulate a response.

You finally get access to a computer. You sit down to write to your new friend, only to discover he's beaten you to the punch. You read his letter, which, while very welcome, requires you to revise the letter you planned to write to him. You send your message. Then you are sent away again.

When you return, you find one...two...three...messages from your new friend. You're still glad to hear from him, but his stock is dropping by the minute.

Do you see what I mean? Clearly, this man knows that you're compassionate toward the troops. If you don't hear from him for a while, there's no need to reassure him of that fact. Write to him only after he writes to you.

Thanks for your very kind words, by the way. I'll keep my fingers crossed for both of you!

-Terry

He's Cheating On Me. What Should I Do About It?

Dear Terry:

How about we women who are married and know our husband is cheating and can't get a divorce due to reasons beyond our control? Are there ways to peak our husbands' interest, become more mysterious, and make him wonder what he is missing?

I vascillate between wanting to be charming around him and being so angry that I want nothing to do with him. I've read How to Get Your Ex Back, but what about when you are still together and not getting what you need from the relationship? There are no consequences for his behavior; therefore, he has no reason to change. I would love to hear your thoughts on this one.

Thanks.

-K.

Thanks for writing, K.-

First off, let me say how sorry I am that you're even in this situation. Nobody deserves to be cheated on.

I don't blame you for vascillating between anger and wanting to charm your husband. Since it's hard to make sense of things when you're in the middle of them, talking to a good friend, therapist, or member of the clergy may help you put things in perspective and come to terms with your very justifiable anger.

I've known several excellent women who've been in your situation. One of them, an extremely attractive, smart, talented, kind, and funny person did all she could to right her relationship. She sought therapy, and because her religion frowns upon divorce, spiritual counseling. In the end, everyone she consulted encouraged her to end her marriage. She didn't have the financial resources at the time, so she made it her goal to prepare for-- and get-- a job that would allow her to shake her husband loose.

She succeeded.

If you decide to try to make your husband realize what he's missing, I guess you'll have to forgive him, which is no small feat (I wouldn't be able to do it myself, but other people can and do).

But if--say, by some act of God-- I managed to forgive the jerk, here's how I'd resuscitate his affection for me:

-I would be smiling, serene, jovial, funny, whenever my husband had the good fortune to be in my presence. Then I'd disappear for a bit, even if it meant running out to the drug store. I would systematically and methodically limit his time with me.

The key is to stop being taken for granted. I'd be unpredictable (without being irresponsible). I would alter my routine.

-I'd immediately replace my underwear. Any white briefs cluttering my drawers would give way to lacy new gear in colors that make me feel great (if I couldn't afford La Perla, I'd hit Target; they've got some lovely stuff).

-I'd buy a few bras that look alluring drying on the shower curtain (and look even better on me). I would absolutely not hop around the place in the new undergarments in an attempt to seduce my husband. I would enjoy wearing them because of the way they make me feel. Let him wonder what I look like in them.

I would, however, leave them on said shower curtain. That should have him thinking of me in flattering terms in no time.

-If I'd given up doing my hair (or getting it cut regularly) or wearing makeup or caring for my hands, I'd take it up again. I'd also slowly rub cream onto my calves, feet, and ankles before bed and let my husband watch. Then I'd roll over and turn off the light.

-Since I do most of the cooking these days, I'd do less of it and let him fend for himself. Since we have children, I'd probably hang around more to chat with other parents after piano, soccer, Religion, church, whatever. I'd also make frequent plans to meet other adults for coffee or to take the kids out for pizza. I'd be be out of the house more than usual.

-If I felt like it, I might leave a note for my husband telling him I wouldn't be too late, but that he should probably help himself to whatever's in the fridge. Then I'd come home looking my best in the prettiest clothes appropriate to the day's activities. (The idea is not to turn myself into eye candy, but to let the man wonder why I'm suddenly looking so good all the time.)

-If I had a job outside the home, I would agree to meet colleagues for drinks spontaneously and often. I would wake up 10 minutes early in the morning and leave the house looking smashing, even if my job involved wearing a vest and a nametag.

-Repeat: I would be smiling, serene, jovial, funny, whenever my husband had the good fortune to be in my presence. Then I'd disappear for a bit, even if it meant running out to the drug store. I would systematically and methodically limit his time with me.

-I would not try to make him jealous, take up with another guy, and so on (that could backfire).

-I would tell the truth on all occasions ("Mary and I are meeting at the bookstore to look around and have a cup of tea," for example) and let him wonder what I was really up to.

-I would never mention his other woman (or women) under any circumstances. I would not call her names or snipe about her. After all, she's irrelevant. He's the problem.

If the guy is capable of giving you what you need in your relationship, these tips could do the trick. I must warn you, though, that he may not be capable. If this turns out to be the case, it's not your fault.

In the end, all you can do is all you can do. You cannot make any relationship work without the consent and participation of the other party. (Read that again: It took me ages to learn it!) Even if you do manage to make your husband "see what he's missing," there's no guarantee he won't revert to his dishonorable ways.

Again, if this happens, it is not your fault.

I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best in everything.

Men Are Polygamous, Women Are Monogamous

By now, you know I don't buy it.

I've known many a faithful guy who had his heart torn out by a faithless woman, and vice versa. Some biologists claim that men are hardwired to look around, if not cheat, while women in relationships are programmed to tuck their eyes back into their heads.

Which is nonsense.

Let's be mature about this: Once you fall in love, other attractive people will tend not to fall off the planet. You will probably notice them some of the time, or all of the time. The trick is to treat your guy the way you'd have him treat you. You don't flirt with other men, ogle other men, carry on about other men, or sleep with them, either.

That said, you should expect the same treatment from your guy. Some women and men insist that men are incapable of fidelity, but Manslator Jeff Mac says otherwise.

I say we listen.

Glistening Needles and Tongues on 'Rock of Love'

I'm still scratching my head over Sunday's Rock of Love (actually, I've worked a hole into my scalp). Just when you think you can no longer be blown away by the absurdity of it, you look out the window to find your patio furniture flying across the yard.

This week's episode featured three of Poison singer Bret Michael's "superfans" (as he calls them) or groupies (as I call them), corralled to determine which of the remaining LSEs (or contestants who suffer from scarily low self-esteem) were worthy of competing to be his concubine.

Bret introduced the superfans to the girls (as he calls them). "This is Amy," he said of SF Number One. "I believe she still sleeps in the first t-shirt I ever threw her."

Bret may be short on hair, but he sure is long on ego.

The superfans started throwing their weight around. One of them warned, "As a rock star's girlfriend, you can't disappoint him in bed." She then ordered an LSE to demonstrate her proficiency at faking orgasms.

The episode only got better when LSE Heather decided to show her commitment to Bret by having his name tattooed onto the back of her neck.

"If Heather actually goes through with this," Brett said, "it would impress the shit out of me."

At the tattoo parlor, Heather lay down her neck, while Bret rhapsodized about the eroticism of submitting one's flesh to the needle. "I've had some of the best sex ever after getting tattoo work done."

Some women would kick a guy in the head for mentioning sex with other women after they'd had his name branded into their necks, but not Heather. Who knows? Maybe her devotion will pay off.

After the deed was done, Bret gushed, "Looking at my name on the back of Heather's neck made me feel close and romantic."

Apparently, not romantic enough. At the end of the show, Bret eliminated this week's reject, an LSE by the name of Sam, who'd been deemed "too sensitive." Heather and the rest of the hopefuls stood shifting uncomfortably while their man consoled Sensitive Sam with his tongue.

One Man's Perspective On Married Women Who Keep Their Names

My father is visiting me for Labor Day weekend. Last night he informed me that he plans to "die broke," as recommended by Stephen Pollan. Then we got to talking about women who don't take their husbands' last names.

"If I were to get married again," he said. "I wouldn't encourage anyone to take my name. What would she want to do that for? She's had one name for 70 years, and she's going to have to fill out all those forms? It just doesn't make sense."

Nice thinking, Dad (but are you trying to tell me something?).

Of course, some women want to fill out all those forms, and that's cool, too.