Overheard In Manhattan

Yesterday I met E. for lunch to celebrate my birthday (which was April 26th. Welcome back my friends, to the show that never ends). We went for sushi in the Flatiron district, in a restaurant conveniently located near two buildings where I once toiled in the publishing and advertising industries.

Our tiny table put us shoulder-to-shoulder with two publishing people in their 20s and early 30s, who were meeting for the first time. After the preliminaries ("Did you have a hard time finding the place?" and establishing they both had parents who grew up in the Bronx), the elder asked the younger, "Do you really think TV sells books?"

The younger responded with an anecdote about a book she'd worked on that had been featured on Today (I'd seen the segment but didn't buy the book).

Then the elder went in for the kill:

-How old are you?
-Do you have a boyfriend?
-How long have you been seeing him?
-Do you think you'll get married?

Such a strange line of questioning, particularly for a first meeting! Particularly for a business meeting. Trust me, the two guys sitting to my right did not mention their love lives. After having a laugh about one guy's two-and-a-half hour commute to Manhattan, they talked about getting customers, keeping customers, and making money. At no point did Wally inquire of Sam, "Do you have a girlfriend? Do you think you'll marry her?"

And I doubt that if Wally were lunching with the younger woman (who we learned will be 26 next month), he'd ever subject her to questions about plans for marriage. He would have been pegged a creep.

At one point, the older woman (who could not have been older than 31, if that) lamented that she wished she'd taken more time with her wedding. I'm not sure if she meant the event or the union.

Perhaps, when she was just a tender sprout, some woman (or gang of women) made her sit through inquisitions about her plans for marriage. Maybe she couldn't take the heat. Maybe she jumped too soon.

I really wish women would stop pressuring each other about this crap. Half the married couples in the world are bored out of their minds, so what's the hurry? Better to take your time and marry a guy you can have a laugh with.

Later on, E. and I popped into El Rio Grande for margaritas and spotted columnist Liz Smith. She's over 80, but you'd never know it. She looks exactly like her picture.

Fix a Broken Heart

Check it out, and when you're finished, download the free manual.

According to EFT practitioner Alison Held :

"As a single woman, I know the emotional challenges that come with breaking up with a boyfriend. These traumatic events can impact future relationships and hold us back from being the powerful women that we are! EFT works wonders on resolving past hurts by using the power of forgiveness, love and more.

It is my recommendation that we forgive anyone who may have done us wrong in the past yet many times we aren’t ready or willing to forgive these people. Luckily, in using EFT there are ways to work around any resistance related to forgiveness.

Also, when we notice repetitive negative patterns in our relationships or find ourselves drifting off and thinking about past lovers this may be a signal that our emotional body needs our undivided attention. I have found EFT to be a quick, simple way to aid in our emotional discomfort and release some of the negative stuff that we are holding onto. I always encourage everyone to give it a try on their own, with a friend, or by hiring a practitioner because there is absolutely nothing you can lose!"

I've had great success using EFT for a variety of issues. Get the free manual and decide for yourself.

Faith For Love and Romance

"By believing passionately in something that does not yet exist, we create it."
-Nikos Kazantzakis

Online Dating Works

According to Karl Fisch, one out of every eight couples who got married last year in the U.S. met online.

For more fascinating facts, check out this video.

glumbert.com - Shift Happens

Self-Acceptance

"You will not always feel confident; sometimes your stomach will be tied up in knots and perspiration will break out all over your face. Your nervousness will be visible to other people; they may look at you curiously. Or, you may do something rash, injuring your own interests or rudely stepping on someones else's toes. Your imperfections are many--everyone is imperfect, really--and your must learn to accept this. You must understand that your blunders are not your total personality; they are just a part of you, and this is a part which you must accept to be successful. Otherwise you will dedicate your days to an avalanche of self-castigation which will leave you miserable, head bowed, a failure at almost anything you try. You must not look to others for acceptance; this is something you must give yourself."

--Maxwell Maltz, M.D., Creative Living For Today, Pocket Books, 1967

How to Meet New People Without Leaving the House

You know I recommend Irish Penpals as a means to make a new friend of either sex. It's free, and the friend you make doesn't have to be Irish. The site boasts members from all over the world.

But another site that caught my attention is TUT's Village, from Mike Dooley, who calls it a spiritual community for friends or for dating. It's also free. Click here. Once you get there, click 'Resources,' and finally, 'Village.'

Glen Colello recommends GreenFriends.com, which bills itself as the "best and largest site in the world for progressive singles and friends interested in vegetarianism, environmental protection, peace, and animal rights."

Worth a look.

Catching a Healthy Habit

Had a great time with Alison and Kristen at The Dressing Room Restaurant. I had a sashimi salad for lunch, which included mixed greens and a bed of quinoa, cooked just so. Really good. It's a cozy place, too.

Alison demonstrated the new kinesiology technique. That was fun, and I've seen benefits already. Her goal is to replace limiting beliefs with better ones; people usually work on self-esteem, health, and prosperity issues.

Peter is still in South Carolina with his family. His father is not doing well. Peter's not so hot, either; he's not saying it, but I can hear it in his voice. He always looked up to his father, and it must be difficult to see him helpless.

On Saturday night, I went to dinner at Kristen's. Her brother, Glen Colello, is a raw food chef, so he and his partner, Lisa Storch, provided the meal. I never knew raw food could be something you'd crave after eating it just once. I certainly didn't know I could get full on it.

They served a caesar salad, and then a pasta made from zucchini and covered with an out-of-this-world tomato and pesto sauce. We had a chocolate pudding for dessert. Everything was organic and vegan.

Some people, like my friend, B, don't understand my interest in healthful living. "You gotta die of something," he says. But my goal is to die happily in my own bed at an advanced age, instead of hooked up to an IV in a hospital full of strangers. I don't want to die of cancer, a stroke, or heart disease. They're horrible ways to go.

And the more I read about meat production, the less I want to be party to it. So I gave up meat for Lent and haven't looked back. I don't ever use the word "vegetarian." I just avoid meat. Peter made lamb for Easter, and I just ate the potatoes and the green bean casserole (prepared with Campbell's cream-of-whatever soup and Durkee onions; healthful indeed!). I didn't feel it necessary to make an announcement about it.

It's not like I'm a card-carrying member of PETA, either. While growing up, I made a point to avoid TV shows about animals, like Wild Kingdom. Even today, if I'm up late with Jay Leno, and a guest turns out to be one of those guys who hangs out with monkeys, I change the channel. It's not that I don't like animals. I'm just not particularly interested in them.

But when I worked for Routledge, Chapman & Hall, we distributed a book about the connection between meat consumption and violence. At Kristen's house, the vegans agreed that they react differently to situations since giving up meat.

Glen reports a 100% improvement in his once-troubled back since giving up dairy (a pretty daunting prospect for an Italian kid brought up on ricotta and mozzarella) because it's highly inflammatory. I'd like to summon the courage to give up dairy. I've tried once or twice before.

Yeah, I know this post has nothing at all to do with dating. Moving along now.

Visualization Is Key to the Love You Want

Just realized that the trip to Ireland I wrote about in the previous post occurred 19 years ago last week. The reason for that trip was a wedding in Clare.

Kristen Colello, who will have lunch with Alison and me tomorrow, is writing a book about healthful eating entitled, No Strawberries, Please. She dropped over yesterday with Living Nutrition, a magazine she reads.

In it, an interview conducted by David Klein, Ph.D. included a lovely testimonial about the power of visualization by an author named Susan Smith Jones:

"I recommend that people start with very easy-to-achieve goals so they an experience success and feel empowered. Visualization is a very important part of the process. You must be able to see yourself achieving your goal.

When I am visualizing a goal, I accept it and give thanks that it is already part of my reality. Simply put, act 'as if.' You don't want to push your goal into the future. And I always end my visualizations with, 'This or something better I now accept in my life.' I do that because even thought I may be clear on what I want, I am always living in the presence of a Higher Power that knows my highest good."

Visualization is integral to success in all aspects of your life, especially relationships. Please do not ever discount it.

Matt Lauer, an Aran Sweater, and Clearing Limiting Beliefs

Matt Lauer of Today reports from Ireland today, and it's hard to pull myself away from the television. I haven't been to Ireland in years, but I hope to go again soon. I'd like for Peter to see Scotland, too, since that's where his family emigrated from when they settled in Nova Scotia.

Tomorrow, I'm going to see Alison Held at her new office. She's going to demonstrate a kinesiology technique she recently studied. I'm to bring along a limiting belief I'd like to release.

I have two in mind:

-I suffer from the metabolism of a caterpillar

-I will never enjoy clear vision again without contact lenses

I'm sure if I think hard enough, I can come up with a couple of others, but Alison says we must concentrate on just one. I believe wholeheartedly that uncovering and evaporating limiting beliefs is the key to success in every area in one's life.

If you believe that every man you date will ultimately disappoint you, guess what? He will.

After Alison and I succeed at puncturing the belief of my choice, we'll be off to the Dressing Room restaurant. I do not know the owners personally, but they are my heroes (along with Stephen Colbert and Julia Butterfly Hill).

Tomorrow Peter and I will celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. He wants to go out for dinner; the plan is to ditch the offspring. Since we take them out for dinner once a week, it shouldn't traumatize them.

Prayer request: Peter's father was diagnosed with cancer last week. Peter will fly to South Carolina on Friday to be with him and his mother.

Matt Lauer is now discussing Aran sweaters with the people in Galway. I had an Aran sweater once; a man named Dan Flaherty drove my friends and me in his Michael Hernon tour van to Michael Hernon's pub. Dan then steered us to his house to meet his wife, Sarah, who made Aran sweaters for a living. I bought one for not much and wore it every day to my job at Routledge, Chapman & Hall in New York, where they kept the temperature around 40 degrees.

And then, one morning, I went into my office drawer and found it had been stolen.

More About the Imus Flap

Yeah, by now it is old news, but this is the most intelligent piece on the subject I've read so far.

Why I Won't Introduce Him to My Single Friends

I know a guy who most women would find desirable if they saw him listed on a dating website. He's not bad looking, is educated, has a well-paying job, and owns primo real estate.

He's always asking me, "Don't you know any nice single women?" Of course I do. They're everywhere. But I'm reluctant to introduce him to any of them.

He's stuck in a groove of work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, complain about being single, work, eat, sleep, quick vacation, work, eat, sleep, buy a new car, work, eat, sleep, complain...

The dude needs to climb out of it. Take more than one vacation a year, for instance, and stop taking it with the same lame-o friend who hates women. Put yourself in a place where you'll make some new friends who'll introduce you to other new friends and new experiences.

The guy always drives a beautiful car, but he never goes anywhere. He lives in an incredible house, but he rarely invites anyone over. He did have an excellent party (he's a great cook and a good host) several years ago, but everybody on the guest list was married. Surely some of those married people had a single friend or two they could have brought along.

He should take a little more initiative. It would make him more attractive, for one thing. What woman wants to date a guy she has to drag around like a sack of bricks?

The other thing that holds me back from introducing him around: He's moody as hell. If his basketball team loses, he goes into a funk. He's just ridiculous to be around. Other things, little things, set him off as well.

I'm just not willing to take responsibility for hooking a friend up with a landmine. Maybe if he ever decides to stop being so willing to be bummed out, I'll reconsider.

A friend of mine did introduce him to a lovely woman, but he rejected her for not being "good-looking enough." This set the friend who'd made the connection on fire. The lovely woman, while not a great beauty, hardly qualified as repellent. She fit safely into the average category, as does this guy. My friend vowed never to set him up again.

Today Is My Birthday...

...and I am younger than springtime.

Someone said to me a couple of years ago, "Oh, you mustn't like having birthdays, anymore," as if I were some sort of fossil. I'm not, by the way, anything close to a fossil. But I've had friends who started complaining about feeling old at the age of 25.

One such friend is B, who is two months and two weeks older than me. He is forever saying, "Well, I'm old now." His wife, who is even younger than me, says things like, "It's over for me, so I'm living through the kids now."

This is just not my attitude.

Anybody who has ever met my father knows that he is not the most positive human in the universe ("Why must you always be so negative?" my mother used to ask him), but one good thing he taught me was to not talk yourself, or let yourself be talked into, old age. This man, who scoffed at positive thinking and described himself as not a pessimist but a realist, went around the house telling us, "I'm younger than springtime."

"Getting a little gray there, Dad," we'd say.

"My hair isn't gray," he'd answer. "It's sandy."

Today, this guy is 75 and swims every morning. He lives in Manhattan so he can walk everywhere, and he does. He does not take cabs under any circumstances. He walks down and across town to visit my brother. He will take the subway to visit one of my sisters in Queens, or to visit some old priest at Fordham University in the Bronx.

Age really doesn't mean much. Peter's brother, an athlete, died of an aneurysm at the age of 20. His great aunt still lives on her own, shops, cooks, and throws dinner parties at the age of 102.

For many years, we didn't know what her age was because she kept it a secret. She wasn't ashamed of it, but she knew that if it were common knowledge, people would treat her differently. They would limit her.

I choose not to be limited. Every day is a gift, whether you're 20 or a 102. Today is my birthday, and I am younger than springtime.

EFT Can Help Clear the Beliefs That Blow Your Chances At Love

To attract a love that truly makes you happy, it helps to give up limiting beliefs about men and relationships. I've written extensively about the seemingly intractable ideas that once hampered my own efforts. I eventually succeeded at "overwriting" them through affirmation and visualization.

But I've had beliefs about other areas of my life that subsided after using a method called the Emotional Freedom Technique. I experienced big changes in my confidence, for one thing.

Also, while my mother was dying of a brain tumor (and for a year afterwards), I functioned well during the day, but I suffered from insomnia and panic attacks at night. Amazingly, after one session with Alison Held, an EFT practitioner and founder of Healthful Direction, I slept peacefully. I can't say enough about her.

If you're interested in working with Alison, and you don't live in Connecticut, she can help you achieve results over the phone.

I'm very excited to be meeting her next Wednesday, May 2 (my wedding anniversary) to clear yet another pesky limiting belief.

For a free ebook about EFT and how to use it, check out Gary Craig's very excellent website.

I'm Not Slow, Really I'm Not

But I finally have a Technorati Profile.

Russell Simmons Discusses the Law of Attraction With Stephen Colbert

The entrepreneur promotes his new book, Do You!: 12 Laws to Access the Power in You to Achieve Happiness and Success, on The Colbert Report. If you listen carefully, you'll hear him mention the Law of Attraction.

Great Law of Attraction Resources

On Saturday, I had the good fortune to find a package from Viveca Stone-Berry in my mailbox. It contained a copy of Catherine Ponder's Dynamic Laws of Prayer.

Catherine Ponder is a favorite author of mine, but I'd never read this one of her many books. Her Dynamic Laws of Prosperity helped me out of a couple of jams, and Viveca enjoyed much improved health after reading Dynamic Laws of Healing.

Here's a list of some other books I've found extremely helpful in achieving success in love and other matters:

Creative Visualization: Use the Power of Your Imagination to Create What You Want in Your Life (Gawain, Shakti) (I've given this wonderful, so easy-to-follow book as a gift to friends and strangers.)

Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting: The Astonishing Power of Feelings

Law of Attraction: The Science of Attracting More of What You Want and Less of What You Don't

The Magic of Believing

The Power of Your Subconscious Mind, Revised Edition

The Attractor Factor: 5 Easy Steps for Creating Wealth (or Anything Else) from the Inside Out ( Jessica Biel says she used this book in attracting her role in The Illusionist).

I definitely recommend Summer McStravick's wonderful CDs, which guide you through the attraction process. Very convenient. Try Flowdreaming for Happy Relationships.

Another Plug For Irish Penpals

I received an email today from a German friend I made through Irish Penpals about seven years ago. She and I started writing when her daughter was nine; the girl is now 16.

I made another friend in England, and we've been writing since her son was 16. He's now in his early 20s. This friend and I exchange Christmas and birthday presents every year. We've also exchanged books, and she made a tape of a Steve Coogan show for me that somehow got destroyed by the postal service.

One of the perks of Irish Penpals is that you can indicate the sex and approximate age of a friend you'd like to make.

A guy from Florida wrote to the site's founder, Michael Green, to say that he'd met his wife, a German woman, through the program.

It's fun, it's free, and you have nothing to lose. Take a look.

More About the Man Surge in New York City

From yesterday's New York Times article by Sam Roberts:

"Since 2000, men, mostly between the ages of 25 and 44, have accounted for more than three-fourths of the population increase in Lower Manhattan. As a result, according to a special census calculation, the sex ratio there increased to 126 men per 100 women in 2005, from 101 men per 100 women in 2000."

Where the Boys Are Now

"Men now outnumber women in Lower Manhattan by a ratio of 126 to 100, a disparity usually seen only in towns with prisons or military bases."

--The New York Times, Sunday, April 22, 2007

Cruise For Singles

We're no longer accepting reservations for the cruise in August. Please check this space for news of the next one!

A River Still Runs Through It

Last Sunday's storm hit us hard.

We still have a river running through our basement and garage; it'll remain there until the water table drops. The Amazing V was housesitting for L, who's in England visiting in-laws, and stayed up until 3 AM shop vacuuming L's giganto basement.

Then she went home and cleaned up her own.

I'm not getting too worked up about our water situation. I have to look at it positively. Now that we know where the house is vulnerable, we can fix it.

On Thursday, I took Child One into Manhattan to visit my brother and to see Blades of Glory. The kid is a Will Ferrell addict. For Easter, I bought her SNL: The Best of Will Ferrell, and I've seen the cow bell skit at least 46 times now. I know Will Ferrell's body better than my own husband's.

Peter says Will must have a clause in his contract that allows him to strip down to his BVDs at least once in every movie (athough I think he remained clothed in Stranger Than Fiction). During Blades of Glory, it occured to me that the man must stay up nights thinking up ways to make himself repulsive.

The most hilarious part of that movie was, for me, when Will gave Jon Heder a tour of his tattoos.

The weather has finally broken here in New England. I am absolutely thrilled.

About Love and Relationships

This morning Ronnie Ann Ryan will interview me for a podcast she'll make available to her audience.

Saving Graces

My friend, H, recommended Elizabeth Edwards' Saving Graces: Finding Solace and Strength from Friends and Strangers.

I admire Elizabeth Edwards.

I saw her speak at a town hall meeting on C-SPAN during the 2004 election, and she blew me away with the depth of her understanding on every single issue that affects average Americans. She has a particularly interesting perspective because she grew up in a military family and spent much of her childhood on bases.

She knows firsthand what it means to have a loved one (in her case, her father) out on some mission and wonder if he's ever coming back.

She also describes what set her husband apart from the other guys she dated. It's easy to see why she fell for him.

As for me, I'm falling more for the guy every day.

Kate Winslet's Great Relationship Advice

Rented The Holiday the other day with Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, and Jack Black. It's diverting, slow in parts, but ultimately worthwhile for the lesson about unrequited love Kate Winslet's character learns, and then teaches Jack Black's.

Have you signed up for the cruise yet?

It's for fun, achievement-oriented single people with souls.

Relationships Start With You

"I recall a woman who was sixty-five when her husband died. After his death, she was lonely, missed male companionship, and wanted to remarry. The first thing she told me was: 'There aren't any good men.' Her very words sentenced her to a life without a new mate. The words you speak become your personal laws because of the creative power of the subconscious. Start listening to what you say, and you will become conscious of what you are affirming and the cause behind the results in your life."

-Terry Cole-Whittaker, from her book, What You Think of Me is None of My Business

Out With the Girls

Last night I met the girls for drinks at The Metro. Peter and I eat there quite a bit, but I'd never set foot in the bar before.

I was pleasantly surprised to find a cozy atmosphere, a fairly attractive crowd, and decent music. I was seated with my back to a table of five cutish guys who smiled nicely at us on their way out.

Our waitress, however, was a bit chilly (although she served us well), no doubt anticipating a lousy gratuity from a group of women. We tipped her lavishly.

That put a smile on her face. I hope we made progress in killing the stereotype that women are cheap and deserve bad service.

I got to talking to one of the newer women in our group, and like me, she met her husband in a bar (he's extremely successful, by the way; you could slip three houses like mine into hers).

Our friend, L, who couldn't join us because she's in England visiting her in-laws, met her handsome, successful husband in a bar, as well.

Nice Girls Shouldn't Finish Last In Love

People pleasers tend to get hurt. Fortunately, you can cure yourself of the disease to please.

Here's help.

Where I've Been

The last week has been a whirlwind, but mostly in a good way. I've been out and about promoting the cruise for single people, and then Peter and I had the whole family up for Easter.

One relative stayed for a few days (which is what I most definitely wanted). Unfortunately, she's forgetful and increasingly confused, which concerns me because she lives alone and insists on driving. (She told me point-blank that I have no right to tell her to do otherwise.)

I said goodbye to her yesterday with my fingernails in my palms, and then headed off to an appointment in Manhattan with my cardiologist/internist (part of my commitment to Fatique Be Gone).

Today I went to a couple of meetings and came home to a ringing phone. A teacher called to say that my daughter's progress at school "concerns" her. (The kid is perceptive, creative, and smarter than most people I know, but she does suffer from some undiagnosed learning problem; I've scheduled yet another appointment--this time with an ophthalmologist who specializes in Vision Therapy--to see if we can get to the root of it).

Tomorrow I plan to glue myself to my desk for most of the day. Fortunately, we're expecting bad weather, and I won't be tempted to be anywhere else.

What Don Imus Said

You can't defend Don Imus' stupid comment about the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team, but women are called 'ho' every day of the week on network television.

Last week (or the week before), Jay Leno made a joke about a poll revealing that women want more money and men want more sex. The punchline? If women would give men more sex, they'd get more money.

As far as I know, nobody called him out on it.

India Arie - Ready for Love (and Using the Law of Attraction to Get It)

When using the Law of Attraction, you gotta set an intention. Here's the song Viveca Stone-Berry used to set hers and attract her husband. Read the story here.

Abusive Relationships

They're more common that you might think. According to Safe Horizon, an organization devoted to "moving victims of violence from crisis to confidence," the signs of an abusive relationship can be difficult to recognize.

A partner who accuses you of cheating and being disloyal is just one. Take a look at this list for the rest.

More About the Singles' Cruise

Click here for Cruise Planners' website.

I'm excited!

Singles' Cruise This August!

I'm doing it!

For a couple of years now, I've been telling Peter I wanted to put a cruise for single people together. I didn't know how to go about it, though. Last June, I met Virginia DeDad, a longtime expert in cruise travel, who gave me the push I needed.

Here's the deal:

Escape the dog days of August! Join us for a 4-day cruise for singles, ages 30-50, to Canada’s breathtaking St. John, New Brunswick. We’ll leave New York on Thursday, August 16th and return Monday, August 20th.

This trip is a terrific value (rates are $489, $549, and $599). We’ll sail the Carnival Victory, one of the world’s largest and most popular cruise ships. A true floating resort, the Victory offers all this and much, much more:

 Singles Meet and Greet
 Live music (at least 3 bands and orchestras)
 Multiple whirlpools
 Volleyball on Sports Deck
 Dance classes
 Water slide
 Golf lessons
 Art auctions
 Fine dining, including late night buffets
 Casual dining
 Spa dining (healthful low-fat and low-cal cuisine)
 Sushi bar
 Swimming pools
 Full casino
 Internet Café
 Duty-free shopping
 Bars and lounges
 Comedy acts
 Spectacular stage shows
 Complete state-of-the art fitness center
 Yoga and Pilates classes
 Library
 Sumptuous beds with high-thread-count linens
 Nightly turndown service


Give Cruise Planners a call at 800-794-0741, and Virginia will get you on board. She's organized sea travel for more than 20 years, and cruises are her passion. Book before April 13 and save 5%.

Note: New regulations require travelers to Canada to have a passport, so make sure yours is current. We’ll see you on August 16th!

When the Dude Stops Calling

Mimi Tanner pulls no punches on this subject. Here's an excerpt from her book, Calling Men:

You can certainly judge a relationship by the frequency of phone calls. When you're seeing him as much as you want to; when he's regularly initiating contact; when you feel cherished and appreciated, then you know things are going well.

If the calls start becoming much less frequent - or worse, if the calls completely stop - then you have an entirely different situation on your hands.

Something is definitely wrong. Your man is either losing interest in you, or gaining interest in someone else, or both.

When your man stops calling you and emailing you as he was before, it's a bad feeling. It's also a reality that must be faced and diagnosed accurately, if you want the best chance for restoring the closeness you had with the man you have
been dating. But women often do not want to see their man's behavior for what it is.

Women Tend to Go Into Denial When Their Man Stops Calling

It's very hard to accept the plain and unpleasant fact that this change in your man's calling behavior almost always means he is losing interest in the relationship.

When this happens, women so often say things like, "Things were wonderful between us. Then he stopped calling. What does this mean?"

What does it mean? You won't have to call in the FBI to figure it out.

You'll save yourself precious weeks, months, and years of putting your life on hold if you learn to interpret a man's not calling you (or calling you less) to mean exactly what it does mean: he is moving away from your relationship. Better to face the facts early and plainly, so you can respond in the way that gives you the best chance to keep your relationship with him - if staying with him is what you want.

Otherwise you'll find yourself calling him to ask him the same question, "What does this mean?" Trust me; that will not improve matters! That's not how to handle this situation.

No relationship stands still. It's either getting closer or getting farther apart. Your actions will affect the relationship even now, when his interest seems to be waning.

Judge men's feelings by their actions - whether your man admits that he's losing interest or not.

Your man may not be sure of his feelings just yet. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings or get into a heavy discussion, either. He may also want to hang on to you to at least some extent. But if you're smart, you'll base your opinions entirely on your man's actions - nothing more and nothing less.

If you don't, you'll spend valuable time waiting and waiting with false hope.

You could also change the situation from one where your man was considering backing away from you to a breakup that is now written in stone - if you make the wrong moves now.

You cannot force a relationship by calling him.

One reason that women want to call men - and are sorely tempted to
call their man when they are not hearing from him--is because women think that by calling him, it will further their connection withhim. It will keep their relationship going. It will make their relationship happen. No calls, no contact = no relationship.

But the problem is that you cannot force a connection and a relationship by making that call, as painful as that can be. Calling him will not make it happen; nor will writing letters or sending emails. The same goes for sending letters, cards,
or emails to your man's friends or family. (Oh, no, there goes another backdoor attempt to sneak our way into his heart - make his family adore us! That will not make him adore us. It may make him want to avoid us even more, since he sees this ploy for what it is.)

...Could there be another explanation for his not calling me?

Dear Mimi,

Could it be that the guy might be interested in a woman, but is
thinking it through when he doesn't reply to her emails or calls?
Should it always mean he isn't interested? --A.

No, that is just plain old wishful thinking. It's an example of the denial women go through when a special man in their lives stops calling them.

When it comes to women, men don't sit around and ponder. They act!

Women sometimes try to interpret an apparent lack of interest as something more positive - in other words, they make excuses for a man's lack of calls. Women who talk themselves into believing that a man is just "thinking things over" are living in a dream world. What's worse, they waste valuable time waiting for the man who is not calling them.

What NOT to do when your man does not call...

...and on that cliffhanger we'll end that excerpt!

I certainly have been receiving wonderful emails from readers,
and I am saving them for sharing here, as always.

With love,
Mimi Tanner

Massage Therapy Is On the Rise

I have a theory it's for the same reason old women go to the hairdresser so often.

Get Ready For Love founder Viveca Stone-Berry offers an incisive take on the subject.

St. Patrick's Day Season Continues

So say the good people at Guinness.

In honor of the season, I offer this bit o' amusement:

How to Lose at Love

I have a friend (let's call him Jimbo) who is a total loser with women. He's not the greatest-looking individual, but he's hardly repellent. He's a kind soul, he's intelligent, and he comes from a good family. He also makes a decent living.

He's also extremely generous, which is his downfall. The minute he comes home from a first date, he calls a florist to send the woman an enormous bouquet of roses. He follows up with gifts of jewelry, and in one extreme case, he bought a woman a car.

The person on the receiving end of this largesse reacts in one of two ways. Either she smells desperation and hits the highway, or she takes him for all he's worth and dumps him. The guy can't win.

Jimbo watches shorter, balder dudes with unfortunate complexions marry and have children, and he decides that God must have it out for him. Nobody (and, believe me, plenty of us have tried) can convince him that it's his clear lack of self-esteem that puts women off.

Certain females suffer from the Jimbo Affliction, too. They kill whatever attraction a man felt for them by buying him gifts too early in the relationship. They anxiously offer to babysit his sister's kids in a sad attempt to show that they're excellent mother material (in which case the guy will be turned off, or worse, he'll figure he's found an excellent slave and propose).

My brother once dated a young woman who made his bed, but he pined for another who didn't know how to cook and didn't care to learn. He came to find the bed-maker about as exciting as an old slipper.

This isn't to say that, if you're dating a person, you shouldn't be kind, help out with children, make a good meal, or buy a lovely present when it's warranted. But being overeager kills love and romance every time.

Everybody wants a prize. The prize has to be you, and not just the things you buy or do.

The Freshness of Ireland Brings Out the Lasses

The new Irish Spring commercial advises men, "Smell like you're worth exploring."

This ad campaign gets my vote for the smartest and funniest since Guinness decided to turn the month of March into St. Patrick's Day Season.

Fatigue Be Gone

I've been on Viveca-Stone Berry's program for two weeks now and have lost three pounds with minimal effort.

I've integrated the changes she recommends into my diet, and I actually enjoy her recipe for Blueberry Oatmeal Energize. She suggests taking a magnesium supplement, as well. I bought the stuff, but I keep forgetting to take it.

Goal For Week: Remember to take magnesium supplement.

My doctor called to reschedule our appointment, so I won't see her until the 10th. When I do, I hope to see an improvement in my triglycerides and LDL!

As for energy, well, I'm crackling with creative ideas. I've started a new short story, and I wrote a speech I'm due to give in a couple of weeks.

I continue to take my afternoon nap, but I'm finding that I'm not able to fall asleep every time.

Women As Pieces of Meat

The April issue of Vanity Fair came in the mail the other day. My 10-year-old objected strenuously to the cover (which features James Gandolfini and David Chase of The Sopranos) and suggested I cancel our subscription.

Dixie Chicks Shut up and Sing Trailer

Child One and I watched this movie last night and loved it. It's a shame the Dixie Chicks had to go to England to exercise their freedom of speech.

'The Best Week Ever' Takes On The Law of Attraction

Watched Best Week Ever on VH1 last night. I just love that show (it repeats today at 11AM ET and 6:30PM ET).

Last night's episode included commentaries on Ann Coulter's attack on John Edwards, Jared Leto's concert injury, and a hilarious bit on The Secret, the DVD about The Law of Attraction that's really very worthwhile, despite what The New York Times and Dr. Gail from Today say about it.

With that in mind, here's a delightful quote from the late Norman Vincent Peale in his life-changing book, The Power of Positive Thinking:

"To change your circumstances, first start thinking differently. Do not passively accept unsatisfactory circumstances, but form a picture in your mind of circumstances as they should be. Hold that picture, develop it firmly in all details, believe in it, pray about it, work at it, and you can actualize it according to your mental image emphasized in your positive thinking."

There's a stark difference between wishful thinking and positive thinking. Wishful thinking requires virtually no effort. Positive thinking requires concentrated effort. Wishful thinking will get you nowhere, but positive thinking--or using The Law of Attraction--will get you everywhere.

So, if there's a guy you like who you think is out of your league, picture yourself being in his league. Picture yourself in his company. Picture him enjoying your company.

Now, if he's dating, married, or engaged to someone else, clearly you should not employ the Law of Attraction to break up his relationship. That would be evil.

But, if the guy's single, he's fair game. Use The Law of Attraction to open opportunities for you to get to know him better. Use it to become the attractive, fun, kind, charismatic person you want to be.

Addiction to Blonde

Why does NBC's Natalie Morales seem to get blonder every morning? She looked gorgeous the way she used to be, which would be brunette. Back off, Producers: The woman's starting to look like tinsel.

I am the lone non-blonde from a family of natural blondes. I can tell a hairdresser doesn't have my best interests at heart when he suggests I go blonde, that I have the perfect "base color" for it, and other nonsense.

Once you go blonde, it's hard to go back, and it requires frequent and expensive maintenance. So, I liken certain hairdressers to crack dealers; once they hook you, you become a new stream of income.

I recently glimpsed a long line of women with gold tresses, all flat-ironed and exactly the same shade, waiting for coffee in a Manhattan deli. I really dislike it when attractive women ruin their looks by joining the Blonde Brigade. I've seen redheads with pink complexions transformed into tomato faces with yellow hair, and I've seen olive-skinned beauties turned beige and boring.

Since I do come from a family of blondes, I hate blonde jokes. Hate them. But, because my family was born that way, fair hair suits them.

As for me, if God wanted me to be a blonde, He would have made me one.

Hooking Up and the Shattering Revelation That Women Enjoy Sex

Right now, media heads are babbling again about how casual sex damages women's bodies, psyches, and their potential to achieve long-term relationships.

It's always about the women. The idea that women are sexual creatures who enjoy sex for its own sake continues to freak out American society even in 2007. As Amber Madison, the author of Hooking Up, rightly pointed out on Today on Monday, many young women are afraid to get into relationships. They've been brought up to believe that men don't want them, so why should they make themselves vulnerable?

They disconnect sex from emotion, which is what a portion of the male sex has done for eons. Society has long assumed (or wanted to assume) that only men are capable of this, but that's dead wrong.

That said, using another human being as your own personal disposable sex toy may have short-term benefits. But whether you're a man or a woman, it's not usually satisfying in the long run.

Take my old friend. We'll call him Bill.

He mastered the art of the hook-up and hardly ever went home alone. We marveled at him. One night, I asked him his secret. He told me, "Hang around, and I'll show you."

His technique involved learning the interests of the evening's potential bedmate. He'd approach her, get her talking, and before long she'd reveal her undying love for The Beatles, The Mets, flyfishing, or whatever.

A newspaper reporter, Bill knew a little about a lot of things and could discuss her passion with the right dose of enthusiasm. Within an hour, she'd found a kindred spirit, and off she went to his bed.

In one case, the woman sent Bill flowers the next day.

But, he later told me that his encounters ultimately left him feeling "empty." He said, "You'd be surprised, Terry, but the sex is never that good, either."

How to Spot and Spurn a Dating Fool

Today reconfigured their website, so the link I referred to in the previous post isn't good, anymore. I can't seem to find the clip at the new url, either.

The New York Times ran a review of a seriously disturbing dating book for men yesterday. The book is called The Method, and it's written by a man who very bravely calls himself "Mystery."

According to The Times, the book advises losers--uh, I mean, men--to:

"Approach a group of women, having identified one of them as your target. Flirt with her friends. When she tries to speak, teasingly put her down (“negging”). After a bit, include her, and throw her a bone or two. [Mystery] calls these “IOI’s” — Indicators of Interest. But then, confuse her with a putdown or two — “IOD’s” (Indicators of Disinterest). If possible, enlist a “pivot” (a female conspirator) to make her jealous. Once you have her attention, subject her to rehearsed patter, then “bounce” her to another location to build “comfort.” Soon, you will be able to bounce her to your love lair."

Men who like, trust, and understand women never try this crap. The Method will become the bible for poor wankers who stay up past their bedtimes to watch Girls Gone Wild commercials on basic cable.

Attract a man who likes, trusts, and understands women.

Women Fear Commitment

Today tackles the subject and makes sense.

Click Today Show, then scroll down and click "Why Women Fear Commitment." You'll have to sit through a 30-second spot for PerfectMatch.com, but it's worth it.

The report is refreshing in comparison to the current issue of Cosmopolitan, which screams pathetically: "Weird Male Behavior Decoded!" and "Things He Thinks During the Deed That You Really, Really Need to Know!"

Who has time for such nonsense?


Attract a man who's worthy of you for a change.

Fatigue Be Gone

Like most people, I could use a bit more energy during the day (I've suffered from the 3PM slump since high school). I eat pretty well, exercise four to five days a week (nothing Herculean, mind you; 40 minutes on the treadmill one day and Winsor Pilates the next).

My friend and colleague, Viveca Stone-Berry, suffered from serious fatigue. She sought medical attention, did tons of research, and found relief. She's crackling like a box of Pop Rocks these days and decided to write a how-to book to help other women reclaim their fire.

I got hold of her ebook, Fatigue Be Gone!, and have started her program. Step One meant making an appointment with my internist/cardiologist, something I should have done last August. I'll see her on March 21st.

I've taken care of Viveca's Steps Two and Three, too, which were no big deal. I just had to answer a series of 'yes' or 'no' questions to get a clear picture of my current situation, so that I'll have something to compare it to three weeks from now when I go to the doctor.

Other steps include changing lifestyle habits. Except for avoiding M.D.s, I'm always up for learning new methods to improve my health. Will keep you posted.

Dating and Jesus In a Box

In an earlier post, I declared that I do not believe James Cameron's claim that he has Jesus' bones in a box, and apparently I'm not alone. A guy named Bruce Feiler, who's not even a Christian, doesn't buy it, either. An expert on the bible and archaeology, he posted his feelings today at the blog at the Huffington Post.

What exactly does Jesus being in a box have to do with dating?

Over the past few days, the media have tried to disprove Christianity, and then The Law of Attraction. Both require faith. I don't suggest you need to be a Christian to benefit from The Law of Attraction, but you certainly do need faith. And if you want to attract a thrilling relationship, you need it, as well.

Check out these verses from the New Testament:

"According to your faith, be it unto you."-Matthew 9:29

"If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth."- Mark 9:23

"If God be for us, who can be against us?"-Romans 8:31

Look, if you don't believe there's a decent soul for you to love who's going to love you back and make you happy for the rest of your life, guess what? You're right. And if you believe there is such a person, you're right. According to your faith, be it unto you.

Do you perform better (in a job or behind the wheel of a car, for instance) when you have faith in yourself, or when you don't? Do people respond to you more when you have faith that you're attractive, or when you feel ugly?

Have faith in what you want (presumably a faithful, successful, healthy, fun man), not in what you don't want (that all men cheat, all the good ones are dead or married, etc.).

I, for one, have faith that nobody's ever going to find Jesus in a box.

Attract a man who's worthy of you for a change.

Today and Me and The Secret

The Today segment on The Secret featured James Arthur Ray, one of the personalities from the DVD, and Dr. Gail Saltz, a psychiatrist and frequent Today contributor.

Gail pretty much scoffed at everything James had to say (she rolled her eyes at one point). He continued to make his points politely.

Matt Lauer noted that The Secret creator, Rhonda Byrne, had been invited to participate but backed out at the last minute. We were left to draw our own conclusions as to why. The New York Times reported on Sunday that Byrne and two contributors from the original DVD, Esther and Jerry Hicks (of abrahamhicks.com), have since parted ways.

Today reported that The Secret is nothing new, and it's not. People (Norman Vincent Peale, Catherine Ponder, Frances Scovel Shinn, Robert Collier, Joseph Murphy, and many others) have written about it for decades. I know a woman who joined the sales program at one of the major brokerage firms on Wall Street, and Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill was required reading.

The bottom line for me is this: Many years ago when I started reading these authors, a woman told me that she'd let her psychiatrist know of my burgeoning interest in The Law of Attraction. She said he laughed his head off.

"Tell your friend all she's doing is making somebody else rich," he said.

At the time, I was in a rotten job, living in my parents' basement, and had just come off a series of embarrassingly bad relationships. Today, I'm happily married, I live in my own lovely home, and I'm the mother of two children I hope will leave this world better than they found it. I love my work so much I lose all sense of time.

The woman in psychotherapy is still in psychotherapy. She probably paid for her doctor's house in The Hamptons.

Look, if you need psychiatric help, by all means get it. If you need medical attention, get it. But please don't dismiss the power of knowing what you want and believing you can have it.

Correction About Helen Mirren

I misquoted her in my post from February 26th. She didn't hold her Oscar aloft and exclaim, "This is the Queen!" She said, "I give you the Queen!"

I still don't get it.

Attract a man who's worthy of you for a change.

The Truth About the The Secret?

Today is going to do a story on The Secret this morning. Since they revealed yesterday that Jesus' bones may have been found in a box (effectively killing Christianity), this should be interesting.

Just so you know: I do not believe that Jesus' bones are in that box.

More snow on the ground means a late start at school for the girls today. I hope Today doesn't bust The Secret wide open while I'm at the bus stop.

I Never Miss the Oscars

I loved seeing Martin Scorcese win last night, especially since he was born in Flushing. I thought Ellen DeGeneres struck a perfect pitch; she knows how to make people laugh without being mean.

I rooted for Helen Mirren (even though I haven't seen The Queen yet), but I'm not sure what she meant when she held up her statuette and shouted, "This is the Queen!" Did she mean, "This is for the Queen!"? It doesn't matter; she's gorgeous, and I loved the song and dance number with the little tribute to her by Will Ferrell, Jack Black, and John C. Reilly.

Meryl Streep was the picture of cool, as usual. Forrest Whitaker's speech blew me away. He's not classically good looking, but he's strangely attractive. Kate Winslet stopped traffic.

Nicole Kidman looked svelte and elegant in her red dress, but she could barely move her face with all the stuff she's had injected into it. I hate to see beautiful young women screwing with their faces. Come to think of it, I hate to see beautiful old ones screwing with their faces, too.

Does Jack Nicholson suffer from cataracts? It's been a long time since I've seen him photographed without dark glasses.

If you're tired all the time, you can feel better.

Fashions of the Times

Confidence is being able to to riffle through The New York Times Style Magazine (in today's paper), look at the ads with the pin-thin people propped up on high heels, and say to yourself, "I don't look like that, I'm never going to look like that, and I don't want to look like that, either."

Tonight is Oscar night. I never miss the Oscars, mostly because I like to see what people are wearing.

Have your cake and eat it, too.

How to Win Him Back

If you've been dating a guy, and he's suddenly busy, his calls have dropped off, and he's just not giving you the attention he used to, it's upsetting. It's especially so if he came on strong at first when you weren't even particularly interested in him.

All of a sudden, he's acting as if he's doing you a big favor.

How do you get his attention again? First off, determine if you really and truly want his attention (you may be thinking, 'Of course I do,' but please slow down and think this over).

If you decide he's worth it, here's what you must do: Back away slowly.

This is not for sissies, but trust me, it's the only way you're ever going to get him back. It takes discipline. It takes self-love. And you must do it.

This means you do not, under any circumstances, email the dude. You don't call him to see how he's doing. You don't come up with a scheme to score tickets to opening day of his favorite baseball team and casually invite him to go with you (I've tried this scheme; the tickets were for The Stones. The guy in question took me up on the offer all right, but that was pretty much the last time I saw him).

The key is to keep busy (no waiting for the phone to ring, please). Let him come after you. Yes, I know you've heard this before. Hey, I'd heard it before, but it didn't work until I actually gave it a try. If the guy likes you, he'll miss you. If he doesn't, nothing you say or do or wear is going to change that.

Mimi Tanner wrote two excellent books that give you the nuts and bolts on dealing with men. Check them out: Secrets of Flirting and Calling Men.

Love and the Power of Positive Thinking

Old Dr. Peale was a proponent of The Law of Attraction. In this excerpt from his book, The Power of Positive Thinking, he shows how one woman used it after her husband asked for a divorce:

"She had conquered herself to the extent of being able to receive this request with calmness. She simply replied that she was willing if he wanted it, but suggested a deferral of the decision for ninety days on the ground that divorce is so final. 'If at the end of ninety days you still feel that you want a divorce, I will co-operate with you.' She said this calmly. He gave her a quizzical look, for he had expected an outburst.

Night after night he went out, and night after night she sat at home, but she pictured him as seated in his old chair. He was not in the chair, but she painted an image of him there comfortably reading as in the old days. She visualized him puttering around the house, painting and fixing things as he had formerly done. She even pictured him drying the dishes as he did when they were first married. She visualized the two of them playing golf together and taking hikes as they once did.

She maintained this picture with steady faith, and one night there he actually sat in his old chair. She looked twice to be sure that it was the reality rather than the picturization, but perhaps a picturization is a reality, for at any rate the actual man was there. Occasionally, he would be gone but more and more nights he sat in his chair. Then he began to read to her as in the old days. Then one sunny Saturday afternoon he asked, 'What do you say to a game of golf?'

The days went by pleasantly until she realized that the ninetieth day had arrived, so that evening she said quietly, 'Bill, this is the ninetieth day.'

'What do you mean,' he asked, puzzled, 'the ninetieth day?'

'Why, don't you remember? We agreed to wait ninety days to settle that divorce matter and this is the day.'

He looked at her for a moment, then hidden behind his paper turned a page, saying, 'Don't be silly. I couldn't possibly get along without you. Where did you get the idea I was going to leave you?'"

Keep This Blog Alive!

Only if you like it, that is.




If you rely on the Internet as much as I do, beware! A movement is afoot to change it forever. If the cable and phone companies get their way, many of the sites you've come to know and love will be virtually invisible.

For dating advice, scroll down a bit.

Dakota Fanning and Me

The March issue of Vanity Fair includes my letter to the editor regarding a pictorial of the 12-year-old actress.

Your Mind and Your Love Life

Can't find an exciting, faithful, successful man? Wrap your head around this enjoyable free video.

Winter Blues, Indeed

Today I learned that I share the distinction of having graduated from Queens College with Ron Jeremy, a porn star.

Like the death of Anna Nicole Smith (and the non-stop coverage about the state of her remains, her will, and the custodial battle for her daughter) and the shaving of Britney Spears' head (the girl's got a neck like a Vermont maple), I find this news depressing.

Will February ever end? For many years, I've tried to make myself like it, but I think one living in the Northeast can only accomplish this if she can ice skate without taking somebody's eye out. The alternative is to throw parties, but we're tiling the kitchen floor right now. Until it's finished, I can't even toast a bagel.

My grammar school friend did stop down from Massachusetts for a visit yesterday, but she couldn't stay long enough.

Ten days to March and counting...

If God blessed you with the coordination to ski, make sure you stop into the lodge for an Irish coffee. Then find somebody to flirt with, damn it!!

Dating For Looks and Money

This morning's Today featured a segment about speed dating with a twist: To participate, the men must possess lots of cash, and the women must be worthy to mount a catwalk. When asked how he came up with the idea, the founder said, "Well, men want a woman who's beautiful, and women want a man with a lot of money."

Sigh.

I'm aware a market truly exists for this nonsense. I had a good friend who qualified as a perfect 10 (long blonde hair, blue eyes, perfect features, great body, and so on) who rarely dated guys unless she'd inspected their W-2 forms first. Not surprisingly, she went out with a bunch of rich guys who wanted to be seen with a gorgeous girl.

She qualified as the most miserable woman I've ever met. Money didn't make up for the fact that most of the guys she ended up with were hopelessly boring (I'm not saying all rich men are boring, but she tended to attract the ones who were) or had intolerable breath. It didn't help that she had a sneaking suspicion that if she ever suffered a disfiguring accident, they'd dump her in a hurry.

At one point, she fell for a not-rich guy, who just didn't return her affection. When he broke up with her, he told her, "You're drop-dead beautiful, but I don't think we have much in common," which pretty much trounces Mr. Innovation-in-Speed-Dating's theory.

Money and looks are great. Hey, I'd rather have them than not, but I'd take a kind, honest, fun guy over some self-entitled, boring loser with a big bank account. And, as for being beautiful, who among us doesn't want to be? But isn't it better to be wih a guy who makes you happy and loves you for you, and not because you're the human equivalent of a luxury car?

Experience has shown me that all women don't want a rich man. All men don't want a beautiful woman. I remember reading a quote by Gene Wilder about his attraction to one particular woman (it may have been Gilda Radner). He said something to the effect of, "She's not the prettiest one in the room, but she's the one for me."

Charm beats beauty, and it outlasts it, too.

More on Love and The Law of Attraction...

To further the point of my previous post, I found this email from Mike Dooley in my inbox:

Not events, Terry, but outcomes. Visualize outcomes.

Not the cracking of the bat, but gliding over home plate.

Not the inking of the deals, but the kind of life you'll lead.

Not the scale, the diet or food, but the admiration you have earned.

And not the whens, the wheres, and hows, but the laughter, high-fives, and wows.

Not events, Terry, but outcomes. Visualize outcomes.

--The Universe


After the man of your dreams shows up, know how to talk to him.

Chemistry, Romance, and The Law of Attraction

I love your blog, Terry.

Is it possible to find a man you feel chemistry with, and who is available? Seems like most of the men I find (I'm in my 40s) who are available at my age are boring or losers. I am a romantic and refuse to give up on sexual chemistry and romance. But I'm just not excited about the men I've met. And I don't feel it's because I'm picky. I believe that most of the good men in my age range are taken, and will be unless their wives die. And I WON'T settle!

There are no bargains out there.

I understand where you're coming from. I dated my share of losers, or guys who who were very nice but bored the hell out of me. The only thing that changed things (and it certainly did change things) was:

1. Writing a list of what I did not want in a man (that was easy).

2. Writing a list of the opposites of what I didn't want, which gave me a definite idea of what I did want.

3. Bringing a man with those specific qualities to life in my imagination (using all five senses and really feeling it. It didn't happen at first, but the more I practiced the easier--and more detailed--my vision became).

4. Repeating #3 morning, noon, and night (and whenever I was, say, trying to avoid making eye contact while riding the subway).

It took a little while, but then really attractive, fun, and available men started to come my way. I married one of them. Almost 15 years later, we're still married and actually happy about it.

The Law of Attraction works.

If you believe "there are no bargains out there," that's what you're going to get. You must believe that there's at least one guy on this vast planet of ours who possesses the qualities you want, desires a relationship, and is emotionally and legally available to have one.

Bring him to life in your imagination. Keep it up and see what happens.

I used to hate Valentine's Day.

Icky Men to Avoid

Radar Magazine offers an eye-opening expose on fellows to stay away from (unless you have access to a good supply of penicillin). Click on Colin Farrell's digitally-enhanced bare chest to read it.

Warning: If you're easily offended, do yourself a favor and don't.


How to avoid toxic bachelors.

How to Get a Second Date

Hey, Terry-

I've had bad relationships in the past, which have broken my self esteem . There is this new guy who is so cute. I feel he is way to good for me, but I know that's the wrong way to think, so please help me. I'm in real need ro rebuild my self-esteem. Thanks so much for your time.

-D.

Hi, D.-

I wrote the following article with people like you in mind:

Okay, you’ve scored a date with a sexy somebody for Saturday night, and you’re terrified you’re going to blow it. Don’t worry; if you follow these tips, you’ll do just fine. The bonus? None of them involves getting plastic surgery or renting a Jaguar for the evening.

1. The key to being a great date is to love yourself. Nothing is more attractive than an individual who regards himself highly. It doesn’t matter of you’re short, fat, bald or hairy in all the wrong places. You’ve heard the maxim, “You can’t love somebody until you love yourself,” and it’s true, but nobody else is going to love you until you love yourself, either. Self-love attracts love like a magnet.

2. Resolve to be yourself and only yourself. Don’t tell me you’re not interesting enough, good-looking enough, smart enough. Ask yourself: Do you want your date to like you for somebody you are or for somebody you aren’t? Right. Now, be yourself, and understand that maybe your date will like you and maybe he or she won’t. Either way, you’ll live. I promise.

3. Visualize quiet confidence. For several days before your date, visualize yourself sitting with him or her and feeling calm, cool, and attractive. Really feel it! See, hear, and feel yourself laughing easily. Feel yourself smiling. Practice this while you’re waiting to order your coffee in the company cafeteria. Do it in the Laundromat. Feel it until it feels real.

4. Make a list of all the things you have going for you. A great sense of humor? Compassion? Beautiful teeth? Are you an executive at an up-and-coming company? Write down your desirable qualities and read the list several times a day. Let it sink in. Knowing what makes you special will give you confidence and an inner glow on the big night.

5. Now that you know what makes you wonderful, keep it to yourself. No need to turn the date into an infomercial: Avoid mentioning that you’re considered the unofficial mayor of your town because you’re so popular. Don’t brag about how you trounced Texas Tess in the chili competition. Allow your date to make little discoveries about you. Trust him or her to see that you’re an excellent catch.

6. View your shortcomings as positives. A healthy person will be drawn to you despite the fact that you drive a 1987 Chevette, as long as you’re kind, considerate, and funny. If you’re ten pounds overweight, there are people who will find you sexy because they’ll perceive you as being slightly indulgent. If you’re a man who’s balding and consider it a disadvantage, decide to make it an advantage. Many women see a disappearing hairline as a sign of virility.

7. Have reasonable expectations of the other person. What’s more revolting than a paunchy guy who expects his girlfriend to look like Paris Hilton? Or, a woman in a dead-end job who turns her nose up at the guy driving the 1987 Chevette? If you want to find somebody who will like you for you, be sure to return the favor.

8. Don’t stereotype. All women are not desperate to get married. All men do not fear commitment. Purge your noggin of the nonsense the media have fed you about the opposite sex. Look your date in the eye and treat him like a human being, not like somebody you must manipulate. Treat your date as you would have him or her treat you. You will be successful beyond your wildest dreams.

9. Remember, it’s a date, not a job interview. Don’t view this person as a potential spouse. Remove the pressure. See him or her as an acquaintance you’d like to turn into a friend. That’s it. Break the ice with a compliment, but avoid making overly personal remarks like, “Wow, you look hot in those pants.” Something non-threatening like, “Nice shirt,” works well because it conveys that you think your date has good taste!

10. Stay away from sex. I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, sex on the first date is bad news. Don’t even think about it! Having sex on the first date sets up all sorts of weird and uncomfortable expectations. Furthermore, you could end up with a deadly disease. Hit the sheets only after you’re sure you’re both healthy, and that you actually like the other person. It makes for much better sex.

11. Accept the possibility that you’ll be rejected. Maybe you and your sexy somebody will hit it off. Maybe you won’t. When I was single, I often reminded myself that even Bruce Springsteen (the biggest, sexiest rock star of the time) faced rejection by the opposite sex at one time or another. So have Britney Spears, Brad Pitt, and all the other luminaries we’ve been trained to envy. Everybody faces rejection. Everybody. Not just you!

After the date is over, decide whether you’d like to see this individual again. Stop fretting that you didn’t make a good enough impression and ask yourself if you even liked him or her. Review the evening dispassionately. Is he or she someone you would choose for a friend? Did you feel good around this person?

If not, it’s probably best to move on.

If the answer is yes, proceed accordingly.

-Terry

Tongue tied? Learn to flirt with the best of them.

Anna Nicole Smith Is Dead

And it's not funny.

Watching her at award shows two years ago wasn't funny, either, but countless TV and newspaper "journalists" thought otherwise. Hey, the girl sold papers. Guys like Pat O'Brien owe their careers to her.

This morning, Today featured an Anna Nicole Death-a-Thon, for which they brought in a panel of people who never even knew her to speculate about why she died, what the hell was wrong with her to begin with, who would get custody of her new baby, what her relationship was like with her mother, and so on.

Between panel discussions, Matt Lauer implied to Anna Nicole's former boss at Trim-Spa that he'd seen her demise coming all along. Mr. Trim-Spa gently reminded Mr. Lauer that the subject had been a "human being."

Clearly, Anna Nicole Smith had problems. She needed help. She didn't get it. People sure made a lot of money on her, though.

Be a Good Woman

One thing I hate about being married with children are the multitudes of magazine drives I am subjected to on a bimonthly basis. I mean, how many magazines can a person read?

I subscribe to everything from Vanity Fair to Vegetarian Times, and quite frankly, my house isn't big enough to accommodate the deluge of glossy bound paper that Gary the Postman hurls into my box.

Still, my daughters continue to come home with mimeographed guilt trips from various organizations, along with descriptions of rags that will improve my life in countless ways. Like a dutiful parent, I tend to order them.

Just about the only thing I hadn't yet subscribed to the last time around was Woman's Day, so I ordered it. Yesterday, the March 6th issue arrived, and it blew my mind. After I finished reading it, I needed a nap (and I took one, too).

Two articles set my hair on fire:

"Perfecting the Juggling Act," which offered coping strategies for worn-out working mothers. Chief among them: Change your perspective. "Say to yourself, 'I can handle it,'" you little whiner, you.

Don't dare ask your husband to ever wipe the kitchen counter. Do not suggest that the people to whom you gave birth make their own lunches (Woman's Day tip: Do it yourself, Sister--the night before)

and

"Inner You: Ditch the Scorecard," which warns women to stop focusing on what their husbands do wrong. The author offered this charming little story about her aunt, Lois, who endured 42 years of marriage to her uncle, Tip:

"How do you put up with him?" I asked her. "Uncle Tip can be so mean! Remember the time he sold your pretty new car while you were in the grocery store? It was gone when you came out!"

"I know your uncle loves me, and I love him. That trumps everything else," Aunt Lois said. "When I get mad, I say why, then get right back to loving him. I don't keep score, he doesn't either."

Let me tell you, if my husband ever drove over to Stop & Shop and sold my car from under me, I'd consider it my duty to take him in for psychiatric evaluation.

Is it any wonder why two of my good friends are stuck in emotionally abusive marriages when the media consistently reminds them how lucky they are to even be married? Here's the message: It's your job to take crap! Tell yourself you can handle it, and you will handle it!

Interestingly, this very issue also featured a big piece on the number one killer of women, heart disease. It didn't list resentment as a cause.

Attract a man with the cajones to wipe a counter.

Valentine's Day Shouldn't Hurt

But sometimes it does. Read what I have to say about it.

Christianity and 'The Secret'

In case you didn't know, Oprah will feature some of the cast of The Secret this Thursday (The Secret is the movie that introduced millions of people to The Law of Attraction).

However, Christians have questioned whether the The Secret endangers the soul.

Energy Therapist Carol Tuttle will address this subject in a free call this Thursday. Here are the details I received yesterday:

"If you are a person that believes in God, prays to God and worships God Christ, I feel it is critically important that as you study the law of attraction that you make sure you include God and Christ in the formula!

If you know others who have stayed away from the writings and works of others and rejected learning about the law of attraction because it seemed "new age" or too metaphysical due to this critically important information not being included in their work, this teleconference call will help you learn more about putting the law of attraction together with your belief in God.

Send me your questions. Please make them only 1 or 2 short sentences. Send them to carol@caroltuttle.com

I will only be taking questions via email and they need to be sent by 5 p.m. MT, Thursday, Feb. 8th.

Join me Thursday evening for "God and The Law of Attraction"

Thursday, Feb. 8th
6 p.m. MT (8 p.m. ET, 5 p.m. PT).

To join the Teleconference call:

Dial 712-432-3000
Enter Bridge # 513200"

When should you pick up the phone and call a guy?

Law of Attraction

Readers ask me if I truly believe in The Law of Attraction. Hell, yes! I have plenty to thank for it, too.

But I'm like anybody else. I occasionally forget about The Law of Attraction and struggle for things. I'll beat my head against the wall for a couple of days (or weeks, or whatever), and then I'll say to myself, "Well, what is it you really want? What outcome are you shooting for?"

Most of the time I haven't given it real thought.

At this point, I decide what I do want. Then I affirm and visualize that I have it. The hardest part is the next part, which is the allowing part. Allowing means trusting. Removing doubt. It means letting go, so that the desired result can come to pass.

It helps me to steep myself in material about The Law of Attraction to get through the dicey doubtful stages. I've already mentioned my affection for Joseph Murphy's The Power of Your Subconscious Mind and Norman Vincent Peale's Positive Imaging, but I just found a wonderful little book that explains how to use The Law of Attraction so simply even a child could do it (in fact, author Michael Losier devotes a chapter to teaching the subject to children).

I definitely recommend you check it out:




Think you can't bewitch a man? Oh, yes you can!

Attract the Love of Your Life

Get Ready For Love Radio Host Viveca Stone-Berry asked me how to do it, and I told her. Listen here.

If you want good love, you gotta make room for it!

Rejected!

Finally heard from the agent who'd asked to see a partial manuscript of my novel, The Once and Future Sheila O'Connor. She informed me that that my characters aren't "very appealing."

Ouch! I like my characters, particularly Sheila.

I unleashed my angst in a post to an online writer's group and received two lovely reassuring messages, one of which came from Mary Castillo, the published author of In Between Men and the forthcoming Names I Call My Sister.

Mary told me she'd been rejected 17 times before her first book found an agent. Two more rejections managed to crawl their way into her mailbox even then.

Check out her website. Clearly, nobody's rejecting her anymore.

Stop wasting your time with men who don't cut it.

The Man Presumes Too Much

Hi, Terry-

I'm not sure if this is the right place to pose a dating dilemma....if not, I apologize.... I find after about 5 months of spending time with a truly glorious man....he is going to take orders across the country in about 6 months...this is not something we previously discussed, and came as a surprise because I know he is due to retire in 2 yrs time and assumed his current duty station was his last... Being a rather direct woman, and realizing I'd made a faulty assumption....I asked what I wanted to know, "are you open to something long term or we just dating till you leave?" It occurred to me that since he'd known all along he was leaving, we might have been looking at all this differently.... His response was that he'd previously been married for 16 yrs and was still very cautious....that he wasn't experiencing the depth of emotion that I was....that he didn't think he was moving as quickly as I was and was concerned that because of that I'd be hurt....he also wondered whether I would resent he hadn't proposed yet...but of course he still wanted to see me.... I was horrified, said very little during the whole exchange.....yes, I've been out of dating for a while, but I'd never point blank ask someone if they were in love with me, or did they want to marry me!!!!....I only wanted to know if he'd been looking at the relationship as limited from the start, you know? I do like him tremendously (and sure, I think he's got great marriage potential)....which is why I'm even more concerned that this whole situation has crossed some line that you should never cross...can things be normal after things like this are said? Is this a lost cause?

-Wondering

Hello, Wondering-

Communication is vital in any relationship. Asking this guy whether he wanted to continue your romance or break it off when he relocates qualifies as a natural and justifiable question.

You did nothing wrong.

He overreacted when he presumed that you are more emotionally involved than he (not to mention clamoring for a marriage proposal!). He should be ashamed of himself.

It floors me that he knew all along that he'd be leaving. It's a bit dishonest, don't you think? Put it this way: If you knew you'd be hitting the highway in six months, would you have waited until now to spring it on him?

I wonder if he's ever heard of The Golden Rule.

I don't think there's any point in discussing this matter further with him. He certainly has a very high opinion of himself.

Whether you continue to see him until he heads off in six months is entirely up to you. I'd be friendly but keep him at arm's length myself.

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Attract a man who's worthy of a change.

Viveca Loves Herself, Too

Here's how she does it:

1. I feed myself delicious, healthy food instead of coffee for breakfast, something fast for lunch, and who-knows-what for dinner

2. I married a man who adores me, loves me, likes me, and supports me instead of ....

3. I put myself in bed by 9:00 p.m. and get a full 8 hours of sleep, instead of getting by on as little as possible

4. I surround myself with healthy friends who love, respect, support, and inspire me vs. bar room friends, or second-guessing friends, or energy vampire friends or ...

5. I make time to pray and pause during the course of my days to connect with spirit instead of getting by on self-will and trying to control everything on my own. Note: Prayer works particularly well on the golf course!

6. I exercise and “shake it up” with different activities to keep it fun and fresh. (Just added stretching every night before I go to bed.)

7. Discipline myself and set up healthy boundaries vs. constantly overextending myself personally and professionally and ending up on my last nerve (and everyone else's!)

8. I “bookend,” literally, each day with an inspirational reading and fill my mind with hope and my spirit with sweet dreams and expectations instead of "news," gossip, crime, murder & mayhem!

9. I get rid of clothes that no longer look good on me instead of trying to make what looked good in the past fit me in the present

10. Go to the dentist three times a year because it hurts less if I do. My comfort is worth the extra time and money vs. skimping and reliving that marathon man scene ...

11. I handle uncomfortable situations as quickly as possible vs. avoiding conflicts and building up resentments, debts, illnesses or self-destructive “imaginings” in my mind

12. I read the comics or tune into something funny vs. being so serious about everything, everyone, all the time

13. Make a point to doing things well instead of perfectly because I know that perfectionism is a form of self-abuse.

Why don't you pay Viveca a visit?

Self-Love and You

No, I'm not talking about the sex toy variety but, instead, the healthy affection for oneself that attracts all sorts of good things, including satisfying jobs, fun and loyal friends, and thrilling men.

(I firmly believe that if everybody loved herself or himself adequately, we would suffer no wars, corporate power plays, gossip, or addictions.)

Do you love yourself? What are the little things you do to show you care?

Here's what I do:

1. I take myself out to enjoy movies my children and husband don't care to see.

2. I fill my stomach with delicious, nourishing food. I do not allow trans fats, high fructose corn syrup or other manufactured products to enter my body.

3. I read for pleasure.

4. I visualize achieving my goals while listening to my favorite music and working out on my treadmill.

5. I surround myself with people who enjoy my successes.

6. I avoid people who gossip.

What do you do?

Viveca Stone, of Get Ready for Love, and I want to know! Post a comment here, and zip it over to Viveca, too, if you're so inclined. No need to sign your name if you'd rather not. Initials will do.

Spread the Love

Lennon and McCartney said it best: "The love you take is equal to the love you make."

Please give your love to the people of Darfur. It's free, and it doesn't hurt. Here's why you should do it:

It has been almost four years since the violence started in Darfur. More than 400,000 innocent people have been killed and more than 2.5 million have been displaced.

President Bush must take immediate action to end the violence by:

Engaging world leaders to enforce the no-fly zone already approved by the United Nations Security Council;

Working with the United Nations to speed up the deployment of a civilian protection force;

Enacting tougher, targeted economic sanctions and punitive measures;

Instructing his administration to play a major diplomatic role in supporting renewed, multi-party peace efforts;

Cooperating with Congress to ensure sufficient funding for peacekeeping and humanitarian aid.*

Please call President Bush at 202-456-1111. He's waiting to take your call.

*Thanks to David Rubenstein, Save Darfur Coalition

How Much Drama Do You Need?

If you're in a relationship with someone who treats you like garbage, stop making excuses for him (or her!). Cease crabbing about him to every poor soul with the misfortune to possess a pair of ears.

Unless the guy is willing to get counseling, he's not going to get better. Talking about him, or analyzing his behavior with your friends will not ever make him a) be nicer to you, b) appreciate all you do for him, or c) love you. Admit to yourself that you have absolutely no control over anybody but yourself.

It's time to flee, Sister. Do what you have to do and get away from the guy. Stop telling yourself you "love him to death." Stop making him the air you breathe. You will never be happy until you do.

Attract a man who's worthy of you for a change..