Viveca Loves Herself, Too

Here's how she does it:

1. I feed myself delicious, healthy food instead of coffee for breakfast, something fast for lunch, and who-knows-what for dinner

2. I married a man who adores me, loves me, likes me, and supports me instead of ....

3. I put myself in bed by 9:00 p.m. and get a full 8 hours of sleep, instead of getting by on as little as possible

4. I surround myself with healthy friends who love, respect, support, and inspire me vs. bar room friends, or second-guessing friends, or energy vampire friends or ...

5. I make time to pray and pause during the course of my days to connect with spirit instead of getting by on self-will and trying to control everything on my own. Note: Prayer works particularly well on the golf course!

6. I exercise and “shake it up” with different activities to keep it fun and fresh. (Just added stretching every night before I go to bed.)

7. Discipline myself and set up healthy boundaries vs. constantly overextending myself personally and professionally and ending up on my last nerve (and everyone else's!)

8. I “bookend,” literally, each day with an inspirational reading and fill my mind with hope and my spirit with sweet dreams and expectations instead of "news," gossip, crime, murder & mayhem!

9. I get rid of clothes that no longer look good on me instead of trying to make what looked good in the past fit me in the present

10. Go to the dentist three times a year because it hurts less if I do. My comfort is worth the extra time and money vs. skimping and reliving that marathon man scene ...

11. I handle uncomfortable situations as quickly as possible vs. avoiding conflicts and building up resentments, debts, illnesses or self-destructive “imaginings” in my mind

12. I read the comics or tune into something funny vs. being so serious about everything, everyone, all the time

13. Make a point to doing things well instead of perfectly because I know that perfectionism is a form of self-abuse.

Why don't you pay Viveca a visit?

Self-Love and You

No, I'm not talking about the sex toy variety but, instead, the healthy affection for oneself that attracts all sorts of good things, including satisfying jobs, fun and loyal friends, and thrilling men.

(I firmly believe that if everybody loved herself or himself adequately, we would suffer no wars, corporate power plays, gossip, or addictions.)

Do you love yourself? What are the little things you do to show you care?

Here's what I do:

1. I take myself out to enjoy movies my children and husband don't care to see.

2. I fill my stomach with delicious, nourishing food. I do not allow trans fats, high fructose corn syrup or other manufactured products to enter my body.

3. I read for pleasure.

4. I visualize achieving my goals while listening to my favorite music and working out on my treadmill.

5. I surround myself with people who enjoy my successes.

6. I avoid people who gossip.

What do you do?

Viveca Stone, of Get Ready for Love, and I want to know! Post a comment here, and zip it over to Viveca, too, if you're so inclined. No need to sign your name if you'd rather not. Initials will do.

Spread the Love

Lennon and McCartney said it best: "The love you take is equal to the love you make."

Please give your love to the people of Darfur. It's free, and it doesn't hurt. Here's why you should do it:

It has been almost four years since the violence started in Darfur. More than 400,000 innocent people have been killed and more than 2.5 million have been displaced.

President Bush must take immediate action to end the violence by:

Engaging world leaders to enforce the no-fly zone already approved by the United Nations Security Council;

Working with the United Nations to speed up the deployment of a civilian protection force;

Enacting tougher, targeted economic sanctions and punitive measures;

Instructing his administration to play a major diplomatic role in supporting renewed, multi-party peace efforts;

Cooperating with Congress to ensure sufficient funding for peacekeeping and humanitarian aid.*

Please call President Bush at 202-456-1111. He's waiting to take your call.

*Thanks to David Rubenstein, Save Darfur Coalition

How Much Drama Do You Need?

If you're in a relationship with someone who treats you like garbage, stop making excuses for him (or her!). Cease crabbing about him to every poor soul with the misfortune to possess a pair of ears.

Unless the guy is willing to get counseling, he's not going to get better. Talking about him, or analyzing his behavior with your friends will not ever make him a) be nicer to you, b) appreciate all you do for him, or c) love you. Admit to yourself that you have absolutely no control over anybody but yourself.

It's time to flee, Sister. Do what you have to do and get away from the guy. Stop telling yourself you "love him to death." Stop making him the air you breathe. You will never be happy until you do.

Attract a man who's worthy of you for a change..

I Love Lewis Black

I met him after his show in Levittown, Long Island a couple of years ago, and he's the most gracious man on the planet (well, after Peter, anyway). He's also one of the smartest comedians out there.

If you haven't checked him out yet, please do. If you have, give him your vote for the Comedy Central Stand-Up Showdown!





Attract a man who's worthy of you for a change.

Meet Men Part 3

The last of a 3-part series detailing the considerable social benefits of becoming the Hostess With the Mostess. More answers about entertaining to meet men follow:

I’ve been to so many parties where people just sit around with plates in their laps. How do I avoid hosting one of those?

My mother, a fantastic hostess with a gift for facilitating merriment, had a rule: Fewer chairs than guests. If you have six chairs in your living room, get rid of two of them. If you’ve invited 20 people, don’t fret about having 12 chairs. Your goal is for people to circulate. I can’t tell you how many hostesses have killed a good time by offering too many chairs. The result is a coffee klatch, not a party.

Serving food buffet-style will also encourage your guests to mingle. Let them use your kitchen counter and the top of your bookcase for tables. Trust me, they won’t complain about it.

If you notice a cluster of boredom brewing, break it up immediately. For example, if you overhear some married couple droning on about their children’s accomplishments, call the husband away and enlist him to lift something heavy. Or get his wife to lift something heavy. Just shut them up.

After all the preparation for this party, I’m going to be wiped out. How can I look and feel my best?

Keep things simple, and you'll look rested and gorgeous. Think quick food, clutter-free house, festive drinks, and music (or football). That’s it. If your house isn’t beautiful, trust me, nobody worthwhile is going to give a damn. They’re just looking for a day out of the house, and you’ve given it to them. So take the pressure off. Now.

A week before the party, start reading food labels. If a package lists MSG, drop it. MSG makes you look old and puffy. Rev up your water intake. If you can't take it straight, squeeze a little lemon into it. Nobody likes going to the bathroom 90 times a day, but when you wake up on party day looking younger than springtime, you'll be glad you did.

That morning, apply cool green tea bags to your face and eyes for 20 minutes. Please lie down first. Green tea’s anti-inflammatory properties eliminate puffiness and clarify pores. Try it after you wash your face and before you slide on the moisturizer .

I dread the morning-after cleanup. I’m not sure this is all worth it.

It is worth it. Ask my husband’s friend (the guy who’s now happily married to the woman he met at his own party), and he’ll tell you. Look, I hate cleaning up, too, so wait until morning. Ask a good friend to help you. Let happy memories of the night before get you through it, as well as the knowledge that you’ve established yourself as a fun, welcoming person other people would do well to get to know.

The bonus? At least one of your guests is bound to reciprocate, opening the way for you to meet even more people—and even more men.

You met a great guy. Should you call him?.

Meet Men Part 2

Part Two of a 3-part series detailing the considerable social benefits of becoming the Hostess With the Mostess. More answers about entertaining to meet men follow:

I’d really prefer not to throw a party around the holidays. I have enough to do already.

Throw a party during a dead spot on the calendar, like February. After the holiday crush, many people like to hibernate. By February, they're ready to have fun again. Unfortunately, February is difficult for people who don't like Valentine's Day, or who have no one to celebrate it with.

Come to the rescue by throwing a Winter Blues party. Invite lively singles and couples and be sure to tell 'em to bring a friend. Serve blue drinks. Stock your CD player with upbeat music and sprinkle in a couple of blues selections from Billie Holiday or B.B. King. Buy frozen mini quiches and dim sum in bulk at Costco. Heat and serve.

I’m such a slob. I’m embarrassed to invite people over.

I’m a reformed slob, so I can relate. Scour the Internet for a quick guide to de-cluttering and get cracking. It's easier than you think, and it’s absolutely worth it. An orderly home will free you in too many ways to list here, but you’ll be able invite people into your house without freaking out about it.

Even better, you can establish yourself as a hostess (banish June Cleaver from your mind; think fun, warm, party person everybody wants to know). Trust me, if you show people a good time, they’ll talk about you ---favorably. They'll want to introduce you around.

Another thing: If you want to attract a great guy, you need to make room for him. Get rid of the clutter.

How do I invite people? By phone or by email?

Neither. Email and phone invitations work well for last-minute events, but you’re better off sending a homemade or hip store-bought invitation that conveys fun and excitement three weeks before yours. The typical guest will stick it on his fridge. He’ll look forward to your party every time he gets a glass of milk.

Homemade invitations are cheap and especially effective. I had great success with one I’d put together from photos of my friends from various times, places, and events and photocopied them, along with party details. I also drew on a crude head-and-shoulders silhouette with the caption, “Picture your smiling face here.” The result? An apartment packed to the rafters.

When designing your invitation, play around with typefaces to get your message across. Certain fonts indicate a more formal event, while others tell your guests to feel free to wear a pair of jeans.

This all sounds very exciting, but I can’t afford to throw a party right now.

Organize a chic potluck. Miss Manners would disagree, but there’s absolutely wrong with it. Pick a theme and get going. If you're squeamish about asking people to bring food to a party, I assure you that most people really like to help out. They like to show off their cooking. They enjoy getting compliments. They also just want to get out of the house and have a good time. Make it your job to help them.

Get the step-by-step program to attract the man of your dreams.

Meet Men Without Leaving Home

If you're looking to meet new men, you can do it without ever leaving your home. How? By throwing a party. You don't have to be Martha Stewart to do an event people will talk about for months; hey, you don't even have to be Rachael Ray. You just have to be you.

In this 3-part series, I'll answer a few of your questions about why you should entertain. I’ll also show you how easy it can be.

How the heck can I meet guys by throwing a party? Am I supposed to hand out invitations on a street corner?

Please don't. Instead, invite people you know and like and ask them to bring along somebody they know and like (the bring-along doesn't need to be single or male, but he or she may introduce you later to somebody else who is).

My husband's good friend, B., met both a long-term girlfriend and, later, his wife at his own parties. And then there's L., a habitual hostess, who once opened her door in Queens and found actor Matt Dillon standing on her doorstep. He showed up at one of her soirees after being invited by another guest. While I can't guarantee that Matt Dillon will make an appearance at your party, I can't guarantee he won't, either.

I can't cook.

Well, you do eat, don't you? If you like to take out, check out the restaurant's catering menu. Whether you want Chinese, Indian, Italian, or a Bloomin' Onion from The Outback, you can get it for your party. Pick up the phone, order, and set out some colorful paper plates and flatware. You're good to go.

I'm freakishly shy.

Hey, I've been there. Sometimes I'm still there. If you're terrified being forced to carry a conversation, arrange the party around an event like a football game. Turn on the TV. The background noise will fill in gaps in the conversation, and you can always talk about the game.

Here's a bonus: Football games call for casual food and drink. Pop a few trays of frozen potato skins in the oven, cut up a 6-foot sub, and pour some beers into a cooler full of ice. You’re set.

I hate football. In fact, I detest sports.

Then put together a holiday event. It's easy. Think Thanksgiving, Christmas, St. Patrick's Day, and The Fourth of July. Hit the party store and buy a few appropriate decorations.

Music is key. At Christmas, alternate traditional favorites with tunes from your guests' high school and college years. Nothing gets a party off the ground faster. If most of your crowd graduated around 1993, spin Nirvana, 10,000 Maniacs, and Pearl Jam. For the 1985 generation, try Simple Minds, early U2, and Jefferson Starship (particularly their ultra-cheesy, "We Built this City"). You get the idea.

For other holidays, return Bing Crosby to his CD case and change decorations accordingly. But, by all means, keep the music turned up.

Before you pick up the phone to talk to a guy, read this.

The First Thing You Must Know About Men

The first thing you need to know about men is this: You don't need one. If you're thinking, "Hey, I want one," you're probably on the right track.

Wanting is one thing. Needing is another. When you need a man, you come off as needy. Needy people are unattractive. What's more, they often accept less than they deserve, whether it's in a man, a job, or a friend. They attract it. They might as well stick "kick me" signs on their backs.

When you feel good about yourself, you tend to want love and companionship. You don't necessarily need it. Emotionally healthy women tend to choose --and attract-- men who make them happy, instead of some guy who leaves them wondering if he'll call, whether or not he's coming home, or if he's getting a little on the side on his lunch hour.

Are you needy? Definitely you are:

-if you hate to be by yourself.

-if you believe that your life will be a failure if you don't marry and have children.

-if you think getting boob implants is the best way to get male attention (you'll get attention, all right, but not necessarily the kind that lasts).

An emotionally healthy woman enjoys her own company. She doesn't need a man--or even her friends-- around to have fun. As a result, people want to be around her. She's attractive. She knows how to have a good time.

If you're in the needy category and want to move out, decide to fall in love with yourself. Nobody is ever going to love you until you love yourself first.

Start by making a list of your good qualities and your talents. Stop taking them for granted. Not everybody has them, you know. Keep the list where you can see it, perhaps on your bathroom mirror. Buy yourself little treats. You shouldn't go into credit card debt, but do resolve to do small, lovely things for yourself.

Turn off the TV chatter and spend time listening to beautiful music over a glass of your favorite wine. Be daring and take yourself out to the movies once in a while (and if you get weird looks from people, realize that they don't have the confidence to do the things they want unless they have a willing partner in tow).

Stop hanging around people who gossip, particularly women who gossip about how other women raise their children, decorate their houses, and keep screwing up their relationships. Replace them with women who like other women. By all means, avoid any individual who implies that you're defective because you don't have a man in your life.

After you start loving yourself, you'll notice a shift in the circumstances--and people--you attract. Be warned: Those who don't have your best interests at heart will become annoyed with you and eventually drift away. You'll find yourself surrounded by more supportive people. Before long, you'll find yourself in the company of a man you want.

Lo and behold, he'll want you, too.

The step-by-step plan to attract a man who'll curl your toes.

Don't Audition to Be a Guy's Wife

Three dates into a relationship, some women figure they've got a big fish on the hook, and they'd better reel him in fast. They start doing all sorts of wacky things, desperately hoping to make themselves indespensible to the guy.

This kind of woman wants him to see her potential as primo wife material right away, so she:

-Offers to pick up his dry cleaning

-"Makes up a plate" for him at barbecues and buffets, instead of letting him get it himself

-Cooks for him instead of going out for dinner

-Makes his bed

-Slowly but steadfastly moves her belongings into his house and takes over the housework

-Offers to babysit his nieces and nephews (or his children), so he can see what a spectacular mother she'd make.

Females who choose this route usually get taken for granted. They're eventually discarded. Sure, certain guys may jump to marry such women, but they tend to be those who stay out all night with their buddies and refuse to change diapers.

A man who likes a challenge and enjoys the company of an intellectual equal will quickly grow bored. Challenging women are sexy. Women who chase after men with paper plates dripping with cole slaw are not.

Once a relationship is established (and what relationship is established after three dates? How long did it take you to get to know your best friend, for example?), it's fine to offer to pick up a guy's dry cleaning. But he should also offer to pick up yours every now and then.

Don't be quick to jump into sex roles. If the man likes to cook, congratulations. By all means, let him. If you like to fix flat tires, don't suppress the urge. Be yourself. Let him be himself. Allow your relationship to develop organically. Discover who a man really is before deciding he's "the one."

Take your time. The worst thing that can happen is that you won't wrangle yourself into a bad marriage. Remember: This is your life we're talking about.

Attract a man who's worthy of you for a change.

Britney Spears Gets Too Much Press...

...and the people being massacred in Darfur are forgotten.

You can help them by signing this petition.

If the paparazzi were to catch Britney and Paris Hilton putting their pens to it (no underwear required), lives would be saved.

After the Disastrous New Year's Eve Party

You had your nails done, wore a smashing outfit, and gave your makeup a bit of sparkle. Even your hair looked like it came out of a shampoo commercial. You arrived at the party, nervous to meet new people but confident you'd loosen up and have a great time.

You didn't.

The host snapped up the stuffed mushrooms you slaved over with a quick thank-you and turned away. Your polite attempts at small talk with other guests fell flat. Nobody made you feel particularly welcome.

You began to feel like an bug in a jar. You itched to flee, but you promised yourself you'd get out of the house more often. You know you'll never meet a decent man if you're not at least willing to get out of the house more often!

So you beat your way to the drink table, making conversation with the person standing next to you, only to be rebuffed. You retreated to a corner of the room, sipping away in a desperate attempt to look casual (while ignoring the ever-tightening knot in your stomach), and fought off a fantasy about going home, getting into your pajamas, and pulling out your Bridget Jones DVDs.

Instead, you forced yourself to stick it out a bit longer, only to end up thinking, "I'm useless. All these people are having a great time, and I'm standing around like a giant pimple. What's wrong with me?"

There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all. You merely accepted an invitation to a bad party.

"But," you say. "If it was such a bad party, why was everyone else having such a great time?"

The thing is, sometimes you'll end up at an event where other people have a good time because they know each other, and they don't have the manners or the inclination to include a new face in the merriment. (There will be other times, though, when you'll find yourself at an event where people know each other but gladly welcome you into the fold.)

And, remember, just because an individual hosts a party doesn't mean he or she knows the first thing about being a good host (which would be making sure that that no guest is propped in a corner feeling like a skin condition). Hosting a party is a responsibility. It's fun, but it's definitely a responsibility.

Bad hosts throw parties that are all about them. If you end up at one of these jerk fests, stick around for an hour. If things don't improve, say thanks (that is, if you can get the attention of the jerk to thank) and get out of there.

Then, instead of reliving the miserable time you endured, pat yourself on the back for getting out in the first place. Believe it or not, you've taken a step toward changing your life.

The next time you're offered an invitation, be bold and accept it. Better yet, show 'em how it's done and throw a party of your own. Super Bowl Sunday will soon be upon us. Make the most of it.

Get your house party-ready in no time!.

It Worked For Me (How to Get Over an Old Boyfriend)

Some women have a knack for bouncing back from a bad breakup. It seems they give themselves a day or two to mourn the loss of the relationship before hitting the dating scene with gusto. Then they never look back. Their motto: Nothing helps you get over the last guy like the next guy.

Unfortunately, many women can't shake a lost love because they're unwilling to accept that the relationship is over. They replay old conversations in their heads. They obsess over what they should have done to avoid the breakup. They arrange to bump into the guy and convince him he's made a mistake. They fantasize about him constantly. They believe that he's "the one," and that the relationship was "meant to be." They fear that if they let go emotionally, they'll have thrown away their shot at true love.

But, really, it's holding on emotionally to an old boyfriend that amounts to throwing away true love. Two objects cannot inhabit one space at the same time. Giving an ex free room and board in one's heart makes it impossible for a new one to move in.

How does a woman get over an ex-boyfriend?

She must make a decision to get over him, and then she needs the discipline to carry it out. She must throw out every material item that reminds her of him. She cannot afford to entertain a single pleasant thought about the relationship. Instead, it helps to write a list of the things he did that drove her crazy (the way he kept sniffling instead of reaching for a tissue, for example, or his habit of using unnecessarily big words) and refer to it often. If a friend brings up his name, it's imperative that she change the subject. By all means, she should avoid speaking of him at all.

Certain smells (his cologne, or the fragrance of a special food she enjoyed with him) and sounds, particularly music, will bring him back into her head at the most inopportune times. Her best bet is not to remove herself from the triggers, but to immerse herself in them until they no longer remind her of him.

It helps if she hits the social scene often by meeting friends, taking classes, and going to bookstores. If a woman makes a point of meeting new people, she will meet new men. When she meets a guy with potential, it's critical that she give him a fair chance. Mentally comparing him to her ex is a mistake. She'd have been better off staying home watching Seinfeld reruns.

A woman can get over a lost love, but only if she's willing. She must consciously block him from her heart and mind. It's not easy at first, but it does get easier. Once she evicts the guy for good, she can move on to the passion and happiness she deserves.

Attract a man who's worthy of you for a change.

Coughing Hurts

Had a great Christmas, but I'm suffering from the worst cold in the world. Peter is on his way home, having stopped at Stop & Shop after work to pick me up some organic chicken broth.

Child One gave me the Corinne Bailey Rae CD yesterday, and it's beyond great. Listening to it now.

Lindsay Lohan's Sex Life

This is such old news, but since the TV heads keep bringing it up, I feel compelled to comment.

Lindsay maintains, "Sex and the City changed everything for me, because those girls would just sleep with so many people."

So Lindsay sleeps with a lot of people.

And the media responded by calling her "loose" and "Firecrotch" and advising her boyfriends to get tested for STDs. This is a hilarious double standard. Nobody ever suggested that Colin Farrell's girlfriends get tested for STDs.

Sex and the City is pretty much b.s. (nobody I know who lives in Manhattan or anywhere else in New York City carries on like that). It's hardly a guide to modern living. It's entertainment, Lindsay.

However, Lindsay's disdain for monogamy may have less to do with her being like "a man," as she herself has suggested. It probably has more to do with the fact that she's 20 years old.

Sleeping around is not a great idea, but who the hell wants to settle down at 20 years old?

Attract a better man than Colin Farrell.

My Favorite Gift...

...is an Amazon gift card.




The cool thing is you don't even have to wait for it to ship. You can send it via email, allowing the recipient to order sundry items after discovering what's missing from his or her pile of Christmas loot.

In my case, it'll probably be a book. I love books, but Peter tells me he is buying me a laptop, so I'll have to get my own damn books. Right now, I'm lusting for Mysteries of the Middle Ages by Thomas Cahill. His Desire of the Everlasting Hills, a history of Jesus, blew my mind.

<

My very good friend, Daisy, planned to get me Enya's Amarantine for Christmas, but she's decided to get me something else instead.

Boo.



I bought her this one:

I got The Best of Morrissey on Saturday, and it's brilliant.

I'm dying to play "I Have Forgiven Jesus" from You Are the Quarry for my bible study group, but I'm pretty sure they'll throw me out.



It really would have helped to know this stuff when I was dating.

Dating a Married Man?

If it's such a bad idea, why do so many women keep on doing it? There's gotta be a payoff.

Not finished Christmas shopping yet, believe it or not, partly due to the fact that I hate malls and parking lots that force you to take chances trying to get out. I meant to do most of my shopping online, but I lost track of time.

I'll pull something off, I'm sure.

Attract a better man in 2007.

George Clooney Never Did It For Me...

...until now.

I tell you, I like him more and more all the time. So what if he doesn't ever want to get married? At least he knows it, is honest about it, and isn't wasting anybody's time.

I am so cranky today I cannot stand myself. I wanted to pop into Walgreen's to buy a Build-A-Bear gift card for some little kid, but the traffic was so bad, I gave up. Some old guy cut me off coming out of T.J. Maxx, and that was the end.

I came home, placed an order with Build-A-Bear's website, and keyed in the wrong shipping address. Oh! I had to call the 800 number to change the order and waited on hold for eight full minutes, while being subjected to some saccharine-crap song about the wonder of stuffed bears (which were no doubt manufactured by some 7-year-old Chinese kid who wasn't allowed to use the bathroom all day and was paid 10 cents for 12 hours' work).

It might be time for a nap.

If you need a good laugh like I do right now, check out Jim Gaffigan. He's hilarious.

Attract a man who makes you glad you were born.

Is Your Cell Phone Killing Your Sex Life?

Let's hope not.

I'm very proud of myself because, not only are my Christmas cards written, I've taken a halfway decent photo of the offspring to send with it. (My brother, who is single, jokes that if he receives one more photo of somebody's kids, he is going to start responding by sending photos of himself.)

Christmas parties are fun when you know how to get noticed.

Poison 'Em Some More

I found this novel in a store yesterday and immediately picked it up, attracted by its striking cover. The synopsis on the backside read something like: "What are the chances of meeting a man who's straight, single, and willing to commit?"

Judging by the reviews on Amazon, the book is entertaining. But give me a break! Single, straight, and willing to commit men are hardly an endangered species, and I'm so tired of women's fiction that insists otherwise.

I know a cute single guy with a good job whose dates consistently ask him if he's gay (in case you're wondering, he doesn't possess any gay characteristics). Then they tell him that he has commitment issues because he isn't married. The fact is, the guy would dearly like to meet "the one" and get married, but he's hardly going to ask a woman who insists that he's gay or suffers from commitment issues for a second date. Who needs it?

He keeps asking me why women are so paranoid. I keep telling him it's because too many of them pore over In Touch Magazine every week and buy into the lack-minded crap promoted by the chick lit crowd.

Face it. If you don't believe that good men exist, you're going to dismiss the ones who are as as gay, commitmentphobic, boring, or too nice. If you can't see an opportunity, you'll miss it every time.

The world is full of wonderful men.

Poison 'Em Young

If you've ever wondered why some women are obsessed about having a man, keeping a man, when he's going to call, what he's thinking, and on and on and on, you need only check out the current issues of teen magazines. Girls are programmed to fixate on men from the time they get an allowance.

Teen's cover shouts, "How to Decode Your Crush," as if a girl should handle a boy the way MI6 deals with The Kremlin. I suppose actually talking to the boy would be out of the question. Read his mind instead. Then grow up and wonder why men can't "open up." Why should they open up when women have been trained to carry on entire relationships in our minds?

And then Seventeen counsels, "Make Your Crush Want You," as if that's possible (I know because I was a 13-year-old Seventeen subscriber once, and I tried). Forget about tips for getting into college; the magazine's other cover stories include, "405 Ways to Look Hot (At Every Party)," "Dress Like a Celebrity," and "5 Signs You're Addicted to Attention." Paris Hilton and a depressed-looking kitten serve as cover models.

CosmoGirl! tells impressionable readers how to "Party Like a Celebrity" (the cover features Party Girl Lindsay Lohan, hugging her little sister) and gives them "10 Ways to a Healthier, Hotter Body." My pick for the best cover blurb? "She Says She Was Raped...But Could She Be Lying?"

These magazines promote the idea that girls should take lifestyle and fashion cues from celebrities (the current Teen and Seventeen cover models are renowned for giving crotch shots to paparazzi) and drive themselves to distraction over some dork. If they have the misfortune of being sexually assaulted, they might be better off keeping their mouths shut. Who's going to believe them, anyway?

Attract a man who's worthy of you for a change.

Cameron Diaz Is a Commitmentphobe

Apparently, Cameron Diaz told Ellen DeGeneres that she won't marry Justin Timberlake because she's a commitmentphobe. Since the media and society in general assume that it's always the man in a relationship who avoids sealing the deal, I'm so glad Cameron set the record straight.

A lot of women fear commitment. I was one of them, but I only had the vaguest sense of it at the time. I had a gift for attracting (and being attracted to) men with similar issues.

Nobody has to get married. Let's face it; too many women end up with the wrong guy because other people imply they're losers until they have rings on their fingers.

I remember a newly engaged friend's father asking me, "And when are you going to get married?"

"I'm too young," I protested.

"Too young?" the man hooted. "You're already 24!"

You'd think I was hobbling around in orthopedic shoes.

At 27, I realized that I had a full-blown terror of commitment. Seriously. I took steps to resolve it, and I did resolve it. (My book has the details.)

But, unless they're inclined otherwise, people like Cameron Diaz don't have to conquer commitmentphobia. I'll say it again: Nobody has to get married. The last time I looked, it wasn't in the Ten Commandments.

How I got over my fear of commitment.

Do You Have a Vacation to Plan?

The following is an article I sent to my mailing list last year around this time. I've since contacted a reputable cruise planner and am thinking of organizing a short singles' trip to the Bahamas, possibly in the summer.

"The world is a book, and those who do not travel, read only a page."
- Saint Augustine

Does your employer owe you vacation time? If the answer is yes, you have an excellent opportunity to meet exciting new people! Travel for singles has become a booming industry, and for good reason.

Do you love art? History? Picture yourself strolling the ornate halls of Edinburgh Castle with the man who could become your husband. Love to ski? If you sign up for a singles' ski weekend, you could wind up finding the love of your life on the slopes (it happened to Nancy and Mike!). Does romance on the high seas sound appealing? Get thee onto a singles' cruise.

Men who travel tend to be educated and successful. Take Gary, a C.P.A who likes to see the world on two wheels and frequently signs up for singles' bike tours. In July, he rode alongside the crystalline waters off Nova Scotia's Cape Breton Island with scores of like-minded people.

And that's one of the great thing about singles' travel: You're bound to meet others with whom you have something in common. Check out a couple of tour providers, see what they offer, and discern the average age of their participants (make sure you don't end up with the under-30 crowd if you're hoping to meet a man over 40, and vice versa!).

Check the Better Business Bureau to ensure the provider has a record of excellent service, kept promises, and happy customers. Then, take a deep breath, decide where you want to go, and book a trip.

What if you don't have a friend to drag along with you? Swallow hard and book anyway. When I was single I took two vacations by myself (they weren't singles' tours per se, but I stayed in Bed and Breakfasts, forcing me to socialize over rolls and coffee in the morning). I had the time of my life, met fascinating people, and learned a great deal about myself at the same time.

Afraid of looking like a friendless loser by traveling solo? Worry not. You'll look every inch the winner who takes advantage of life's opportunities. If anybody asks (and I truly doubt anyone will) why you're traveling alone, you can say, "I needed a vacation." Who doesn't?

To get started, do a search for tour operators who cater to singles, or query your own friendly neighborhood travel agent for advice. Make sure the tour operator you choose has an excellent safety record, especially if you will be traveling alone.

Will you meet the man of your dreams on a singles' vacation? Maybe. But, chances are, you'll make exciting new friends, who'll introduce you to more new friends, new men, and happy new experiences. You'll also learn a lot about an attractive, confident, smart woman (you!) in the process.

Go for it!

Get noticed.

NBC's Warped Priorities

Although I'm sorry to hear that Greg from The Wiggles
is sick and quitting the group, I am a bit surprised that The Today Show ran the story at 7:20 this morning.

I somehow doubt that the children of Darfur are very banged up about Greg's departure when their parents, friends, and neighbors are being massacred every single day. (To be fair, NBC's Ann Curry is one of the few American journalists who's even covered the genocide.)

If you'd like to help, you can sign an online postcard and ask President Bush to promote peace in the region.

The Aladdin Factor

I bought this book several years ago, put it on a shelf, and forgot about it.

I developed a sudden urge to read it last week, so I scoured my 96 bookcases to find it. I have to say, it's absolutely amazing. If you're like me and sometimes hesitant to ask for what you want (for whatever reason), this book will help you. The first exercise alone blew my mind.



Attract a man who's worthy of you for a change.

She Wants Her Ex Back

Dear Terry:

I have one for you: I was married to my ex for 25 years, and our divorce was tragic because we still loved each other. He remarried about two years ago, during which he and his wife have only lived in the same house for six months. They have issues regarding him and me.

Ex and I still love each other and have made an agreement to renew our friendship. I want him back as my husband, and I think he wants the same. We both got hurt very badly. I am able to forgive all that has occurred, yet I don't have a clue on how to regrow a friendship when, for me, the friendship never ended. We are both are cautious, and neither us desires to be hurt.

I have asked him to allow us to set new boundaries, and I could use some help. We are both are very opinionated and strong willed. We have four children and four grandchildren, and at one time we had a wonderful family and marriage. I need help in getting honest communication without manipulation. When my marriage ended, it was due to infidelity.

-D

Dear D-

I understand that you and your ex-husband may very strong feelings for one another. What concerns me is that he is married. If he were to leave his present wife to be with you, would this be a good thing? Would this raise doubts in your own mind about how capable he is of a successful marriage?

You don't say who was unfaithful in your marriage, but if it was he, has he ever examined his reasons for hurting you so profoundly? If it was you, have you thought about your reasons for hurting him?

Would he be willing to communicate more effectively, or at least learn how to do so? You say that you would be, which is a good first step.

If you and he decide that you do want to pursue a love relationship, counseling would be your very best hope. A good counselor could help you communicate and determine the reasons for the infidelity in your marriage, so that you are both less likely to be hurt again. He or she may be even able to help you develop the trust necessary for a happy relationship.

Since you do have children and grandchildren together, family counseling is probably a good idea. You'll probably have to see each other regularly regardless what type of relationship you pursue.

I realize that you're in pain, and I hope this helps.

Terry

Turn his head.

Dazzle 'Em Cheaply

As we kick off party season, it always good to head out in one's black velvet coat with sparkling white teeth. For many years, I was what my dentist calls, "a good candidate for bleaching," due to my love for tea and red wine (which I am not willing to give up).

I thought about bleaching but decided to try drugstore remedies first. I tried the whitening strips, only to end up wandering around the house lisping and feeling as if I had eaten a roll of scotch tape. Then I tried all sorts of toothpastes, starting with the more expensive ones because I assumed they'd be more effective.

While visiting a friend in September, I happened upon a copy of Consumer Reports, which named Ultra Brite toothpaste the best stuff on the market. I immediately wheeled over to my local retailer and picked up a tube for about two dollars.

Sure enough, people are now complimenting me on the whiteness of my teeth. Child 2 has stopped complaining, "Man, Mommy, your teeth are yellow."

Ultra Brite works.

If you can't get to the store, buy it from Drugstore.com for $2.19.

Attract a man who's worthy of you for a change.

Rocky Horror and Sugar Plums

Tension reached operatic proportions on Thanksgiving when Peter and I got lost in the night rain near Route 22 in New Jersey. The sign at the state entrance should include a photo of Peter with a red circle and a slash across it. Peter hates New Jersey, and by the number of times we've gotten lost there, the feeling is mutual.

He winds himself up into a frenzy before we even leave the house about going to "that godforsaken state" (even though one of his oldest friends and much of my family lives there). If you believe in the Law of Attraction, as I most certainly do, the guy set us up for disaster on Thursday.

We ended up getting cut off on Route 1-9, careening up a curb, and mangling our front right rim and tire. The scene reminded me of the one in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, where Brad and Janet's tire blew out, necessitating their visit to the Frankenstein Place. But Brad and Janet didn't have two freaked out children quivering in their back seat.

We made a call to Aunt L's and asked her to start dinner without us, but she wouldn't. Peter managed to creep the car into a Daffy's parking lot, so my cousin, K, and her boyfriend the podiatrist (both of whom knew the area well) offered to drive over and fish us out. We made it to a lovely dinner about an hour later without additional drama, although I did pour myself a monster glass of wine as soon as we arrived.

Yesterday morning at breakfast my cousin, K2, told me a story: His mother (my aunt) used to make him stepdance at assemblies at his school on Staten Island. For the rest of the year, all the other boys--who descended from cultures that did not include males hopping around in skirts--would knock him against the wall in the boys' room and shriek, "Dance for me! Are ya gonna dance for me?"

Eventually, K2 had an idea. He made a deal with his mother that if he made the basketball team, he could quit stepdancing. Fortunately, he was a natural athlete and had almost closed in on his full height of 6'5 3/4 inches. (He didn't tell me this, but he later became a team star and local celebrity.)

I guess you can overcome just about anything if you can overcome being a male stepdancer on Staten Island.

I'm told my brother-in-law is currently perched atop a ladder decorating his house for Christmas, so the holiday season is officially upon us. Be good to yourself and stay away from sugar. It's worse than I thought.

Before you go to the party, you must be able to do this.

His Parents Don't Approve of the Relationship...

Hi, Terry-

I just downloaded your e-book and am going thru it. I got the right man, and I am dating him for the past year. But the problem is his family is not accepting for our marriage, and he doesn't want to go against his family. But I want to marry him because I feel he is Mr. Right for me. Please guide me.

Thanks,
-S

Hello, S-

I am very sorry that your man's family is resistant to your marriage. I know of two couples who weathered similar circumstances with different results:

E and R's parents opposed their marriage due to religious differences. Neither E or R wanted to hurt their families, so they broke off their relationship. It hurt, but they did it.

B and L also came from different backgrounds. All of B's family's marriages had been arranged, including his parents' and his two sisters.' B explained to his parents that, as much as he loved them, L was the woman he was going to marry, and they would have to accept her into their family. They did, and now L and B are expecting their fourth child.

The thing is, S, there is nothing you can do to convince your boyfriend to stand up to his parents. He must make that decision on his own.If he doesn't want to "go against" them, then why is he wasting your time? You deserve better than this.

It would be sad if you missed out on an opportunity to meet and marry a wonderful man because you have been distracted this one.I understand that you care a great deal for your boyfriend and cannot just turn off your emotions, but he has a decision to make. And once he makes it, you need to make a decision, too.

I hope this helps.

Terry

Hi, Terry-

Thank you for taking time and writing to me.

Yes, I was reluctant to accept the fact, but after reading the book How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Drams, I made up my mind that I will follow all your principles and wait for the right man to come into my life. Please keep up your emails.

Thanks.
-S

Flirting made easy.

Hungry Girl

While surfing local newspaper sites in search of reviews for the recently released movie, Fast Food Nation, I came upon this recipe for a slimming version of sweet potato pie. It looks absolutely amazing, except I would substitute stevia, a natural sweetener, for Splenda.

Intrigued, I followed the link a the bottom of the article to Hungry Girl, a website offering "tips and tricks for hungry chicks." Which would be me.

Subscribers to my mailing list know I live to entertain. Unfortunately, I also love to eat and fought a weight problem for years. So Hungry Girl and her site seem to be right up my alley.

HG seems to emphasize being able to enjoy food while looking great and staying healthy, rather than trying to compete with Eva Longoria to slip into the teeniest bikini on Rodeo Drive.

By the way, I'm taking the advice I give my readers this Saturday. I'm throwing a little football gathering, and we're rooting for Notre Dame!

Stop dating bad boys who hurt you and nice guys who bore you blind. Attract a man who'll actually make you happy for the rest of your life. You deserve nothing less!

Learn the Rules of Attraction

These books changed my life. I'll bet they'll change yours, too.



"So let's be reminded that whatever we fix our thoughs upon or steadily focus our imaginations upon, that is what we attract. This is no mere play of words. It is a fact which anyone can prove to his own satisfaction. Whether the results come through magnetic or electrical energy is something still undetermined; while man hasn't been able to define it, manifestations of thought-attraction can be seen on every hand."

-From The Magic of Believing, by Claude Bristol



"When you open your eyes in the morning, say to yourself, "I choose happiness today. I choose success today. I choose right action today. I choose love and good will for all today. I choose peace today. Pour life, love, and interest into this affirmation, and you have chosen happiness."

-From The Power of Your Subconscious Mind , by Dr. Joseph Murphy



"There are so many ways that affirmations can be used powerfully and effectively to give you a more positive, creative outlook and to help you achieve specific goals.

Remember, it's important to feel relaxed as you affirm. Do not be addicted to getting results. Remember that you already are everything you need; every improvement is just icing on the cake."

-From Creative Visulization ,by Shakti Gawain



"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

-Matthew 7:6-8, New International Version

Even shy girls can learn how to do this.

She Made My Day

Received this letter in response to a tip I sent to my mailing list.
earlier this week. This smart woman offers great advice and describes her triumph after getting rid of an insecure, oppressive man:

Hello there, Terry:

How right you are on every count.

I was madly in love (or so I thought) with a man who hated that I was being promoted (as we worked together). I thought it was just macho jealousy and tried hard to down play all my ideas, and all he did was be moody. I got rumours that he had indeed cheated on me one weekend, but as I had no proof, and I did not want it to be true I choose to ignore it.

Fast forward two years, a move to another country, a dying father and then finding out I was pregnant, we see a man competing with my father for my affection, would not let me go out with friends alone as he was so insecure and gave me no emotional help when my father died or help in getting things ready for our child. In fact, he looked in disgust at everything remotely to do with children. Then he not only had an affair but brought the girl back to our house for some fun when I was 8 months pregnant. That killed it off for me, but it took another two years for him to be truly out of our lives.

I was a person with good social skills who was well liked, very attractive, and had a wonderful, full life. So it shows you can be really dumb and blind and pay for it in a huge way. Now my daughter is four, and I am finally finding I have a life again. I advise anyone with a insecure man to dump him before you forget who you are and then have to fight just to get your life back. I'm on my own now and loving every free, peaceful, wonderful moment to do simple things without having to hide everything just to live.

Would I let someone in my life again? It would have to be someone really, really special and secure, because I deserve nothing less. EVER.

Thank you for your advice, wish I got it four years ago in one sense, but in another I have an incredible little girl, who was never in my plans. I can't even begin to imagine having lived without her adorable smile.

Attract a man who's worthy of you for a change.

Beautiful Skin is In

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a skin care fiend. This is nothing new; I've been at it since 7th grade. Learned something else about rosacea this morning when my friend, C, emailed me this revealing article.

The irony is that another woman and I met yesterday at Panera Bread and discussed this very subject, how one's PH balance affects health. I understand that low PH levels invite all sorts of disease, including cancer. After reading the article I understand that they also affect one's complexion, which makes sense.

Fortunately, diet plays an enormous factor in determining PH.

I followed the link at the bottom of the article to learn which foods are low PH (or acidic) and which are high (or alkaline) and came up with this.

Apparently, every single thing I ate and drank at the Amazing V's Silpada party last night was deadly acidic, so I tested my PH this morning with the strips that had been languishing in a my file drawer. I am indeed scarily acidic.

Will devour a pile of lemons momentarily (they're alkaline)!

In another freakish twist, Rosie O'Donnell is right this second discussing her battle with rosacea on The View . She said it disappeared after she took Ayurvedic pills that were recommended to her by a man sitting next to her at a Barbra Streisand concert.

Attract the man of your dreams.

People Have Gotten Married After Doing This

In my zeal to tell you about a great idea to meet men in the post below, I neglected to tell you to click here to sign up for this free and very fun service.

Sorry!

Isn't it time someone threw you a shower for a change?

Meet Men By Mail (It's Not What You Think)

You don't have to be Irish to take advantage of the free Irish penpals program. You don't even have to write to an Irishman if you don't want to. I've made French, German, and English friends through it, and they're all women.

But you can request a male friend. The following testimonial appeared in the September issue of the entertaining Information About Ireland Site Newsletter:

Hi. My name is David, and about 4 years ago, I visited your site. I read a message from a woman in Germany and replied to it. We found that we had a lot in common and wrote to each other for about a year. We were both divorced, and neither one of us were looking for any kind of relationship other than emails. To make a long story short, I met the love of my life through your web site and we have been married for two-and-a-half years now.

Thanks,
David Ison
Miami, Florida

Bewitch him.

Clear Skin to Break Into Dance Over

Note: This post has nothing to do with dating. If you'd rather not read about my complexion or my social life, please scroll down.

Went to the dinner-dance I mentioned last week and felt fantastic. I finally got to wear the dress my mother and I picked out for another event that didn't come off, and it was just gorgeous (Mom was diagnosed with brain cancer shortly after our shopping trip and died last summer).

Rosacea update: I'm happy to report that a combination of probiotics, omega-3 softgels, and Arbonne's Rejuvenating Cream have produced good results. I haven't experienced any new breakouts, and my skin absolutely glows. I am still saddled with three small dots next to my mouth; they're slowly healing, but they're definitely healing.

Just so you know: I never had "bad skin," but in the past few years, I developed rosacea, which necessitated the use of a good powder to cover it. I feared that I would end up on a desert island, and the truth would come out. I'd eat something (like a spring sausage, for instance), and my face would sting and go bright red. Little red spots would sprout all over my face. It was really demoralizing.

An earlier post describes how I happened upon the idea of alleviating this drama by supplementing my diet. I've also read good things about the Arbonne Rejuvenating Cream. Until last week or so, it remained one of those unsexy products my eye skipped over on my way to the cosmetics and antiaging skincare in the catalog.

More about the dance: Excellent food! Met some friendly new people, and the band played "Play That Funky Music, White Boy." I am a dancing fool for "Play That Funky Music, White Boy."

No cameras allowed!

Attract a man who's worthy of you for a change.

Britney Calls It Quits

While we contemplate the demise of the Spears/Federline union, it's a good idea to remember never to marry a man who has a pregnant girlfriend.

At Toastmasters today, a woman gave a lovely talk about her husband, a man who gets up at 3AM to go to work. He kisses her before he leaves and tells her to drive safely. Then she tells him to drive safely.

She's an executive who doesn't get home until after 8PM, so her husband falls asleep on her side of the bed to warm it up. Just as she's about to drop into bed, he rolls over onto his side.

As I left, I asked her how they met. She said it was in grammar school, and it's evident that she's still madly in love with him. Then she mentioned that her 25-year-old-son is frustrated because he has not yet met "the one," especially since his parents knew who they'd spend their lives with from such an early age.

Makes Britney and Kevin seem kind of silly, doesn't it?

Sick and tired? Feel like your old self again in 8 simple steps.

Paul Newman Called Me...

...and half the rest of the state in a recorded message reminding us it's Election Day. I'm just back home from the polls myself and am enjoying that euphoria I always get after a good vote.

If you haven't gone yet, please do. If you've managed to tune out the evil campaign commercials that have plagued us for weeks (and the half-truths contained therein), do a search for "League of Women Voters." You can look up your state chapter's website for non-partison information about candidates' positions on the issues.

Want to get a guy's attention? Here's how.

Skinny Bitch

Last night, Peter and I got a call asking us to go to a formal dinner next Saturday. Ordinarily, I would be over the moon at the prospect of dressing up and would have looked forward to it for weeks.

But I'm expected to yank myself out of squirrely writer mode on six days' notice?

And we have to find a babysitter pronto, andI think I've gained a pound or two since the last dinner-dance we attended. I've a gorgeous, never-worn dress hanging in my closet (my mother, who has since died, helped me pick it out for an event that ended up being canceled).

Oh! I have gained a pound or two.

Well, we can fix that in a hurry. I'll drink oceans of lemon water this week and eat organic. No meat! No dairy! (A week without cheese will be a real challenge, especially since I hadn't time to psych myself up for it. I am a fool for cheese.)

I'll pull my favorite food book off the shelf for inspiration:



WARNING: If profanity offends you, stay away from this book! But if you don't blink at swear words, and you could use some novel advice on how to get healthy and take the pounds off, check it out. It's a riot!

Can Plastic Surgery Buy You Love?

Why do women have plastic surgery? To look younger? Prettier? Or is it for something much deeper? It smacks of masochism, and the result is rarely positive. Most plastic surgery victims end up looking, well, plastic. They do not look younger, and they certainly don't look prettier.

I've read about women who can't stop scheduling surgeries once they start. It becomes an obsession. Doctors report that renovations to private parts increasingly crowd their calendars.

Middle-class women jeopardize their retirements by paying for such operations with plastic, not cash.

Back in the day, a friend and I hit a club in Great Neck, where we met a male acquaintance of hers. "I'm impressed," he said. "You girls are the only two in here with their original noses." Trust me, healthy men do not want to date the Barbi Twins.

Plastic surgery cannot buy you love, self-respect, or happiness. If you think your ankles are too thick, consider your lengthy lashes or your gorgeous skin. Focus on your attributes. Accept the fact that you are not perfect, and you never will be.

Be open to the possibility that someone will love you and your fat ankles. Somebody will be fascinated by the bump on your nose. These are some of the things that make you you. Be glad you have them.

Sick and tired? Former fatigue sufferer can help you get your groove back.

Desperate Brad Pitt's Heartbreak!

When was the last time you read a headline like that? I don't remember ever seeing one, but I've read plenty like these:

JENNIFER DUMPED AGAIN! CAN SHE EVER FIND LOVE?

NICOLE BREAKS DOWN AFTER LEARNING OF KEITH'S AFFAIR

BRAD CAUGHT WITH HOOKER! SHATTERED ANGELINA IN TEARS

I read similar crap yesterday (the third example is a real headline from the National Enquirer), as I checked out a bunch of organic bananas at the supermarket. It occurs to me that women are always the victims of heartbreak in the tabloid press. Men are invulnerable.

My 10-year-old daughter once commented to me that "Britney is really mad at Kevin because he goes out with his girlfriend all the time." When I asked her where she'd heard that, she told me she'd read it on a magazine cover at the supermarket. I have to wonder what damage such nonsense has inflicted on her psyche.

Will she grow up believing that love is dangerous, that she is destined to be heartbroken, that she should accept it as fact that men always cheat because they, as Goldie Hawn once told the women on The View, are programmed to do it?

I am making it my job to ensure she does not. I want her to know that love may be a many splendored thing, but it should never be the only thing. I will encourage her to disqualify men who sleep around. I will teach her to treat men as she would have them treat her, and to discard those who do not treat her similarly.

Beliefs determine reality.

If she believes that good men exist and that she is worthy of being loved by one, she will be. But if she believes the message promoted by tabloids, women's magazines, and pop songs--that no man can ever love one woman for very long--she'll attract men who prove her right every single time.

You can get his attention. Learn how to flirt.

Attracting True Love: Your Holiday Action Plan

Holiday season will soon be upon us. Here's a quick course to help ensure you spend a romantic, magical new year with the kind of man you've always dreamed about:

1) Love yourself. It's been said that you can't love anybody else until you love yourself. Well, I'll go one further: Nobody can love you until you love yourself, either. Until you do, you will continue to attract losers, abusers, schmoozers, and No-Show Joes. Love yourself, and you will attract men who love you and make you happy. It's that simple.

2) Bring to mind all the frogs you've kissed over the years. Write a list of the qualities you didn't like about them. How did they disappoint you?

3) Turn that list around. Write the opposite quality for every bad quality you listed. For example, if your former boyfriends were unfaithful, dishonest, manipulative, unreliable, you'd turn the list around to read: faithful, truthful, respectful of my feelings, and reliable.

4) Write an affirmation around your new list using the present tense. For example, "I am happily married (or involved with) a faithful, truthful, reliable man, who is fun to be with and respectful of my feelings." (Add the word "fun" to ensure you don't attract the nice but boring type.)

5) Write your affirmation 10-15 times a day for at least 30 days. It helps to conjure the sensation of how you'd feel when you are actually with the person you've described (feeling the affirmation helps convince the subconscious that what you're writing is fact). If you're feeling ambitious, try writing your affirmation with your non-dominant hand three to six times.

6) For the next 30 days, speak your affirmation: In the shower, in the car, while you're cooking dinner (but not on the bus or in a restaurant; people will laugh at you). Again, allow yourself to feel it. This may take time, but keep at it.

7) Be the person you want to marry. If you want a truthful man, be truthful. If you want somebody who resists playing head games, don't play them. If you want somebody polite, turn your cell phone off before you go into a movie theater.

8) Love yourself. Yes, I'm repeating myself, but loving yourself ensures you attract good men (as well as good jobs, good friends, good parties). What's more, you'll be more likely to recognize all this goodness when it appears.

9) Become aware of inner changes. After a while, you'll begin to attract a different kind of man. More important, you'll be attracted to a different type of man. Man-meeting opportunities will suddenly become abundant. Take notice.

Want more? Get more.

Sexy, Not Slutty

The Huntington Street Cafe in my neighborhood will throw a Halloween party tonight. I don't remember name of the band they hired, but the cover is a mere five dollars. Such a deal!

Check the newspaper for information about a party in your neighborhood. Then grab a friend and go.

If you don't show up as a French Maid, a short-skirted nurse, or a "hot" prison guard, you'll probably stand out in the crowd. Besides, slut-wear attracts men without imaginations, and you can do better.

Wear a costume that makes you look beautiful-- not scary, ugly, or desperate. Don't overwhelm 'em with skin. Keep your makeup slightly more dramatic than usual (false eyelashes are always fun), but make sure people can see you when they look at you. You don't ever have to scream for attention.

Now, get out of here and have some fun!

The world is full of wonderful men.

My Quest to End Rosacea

A longtime reader posted a comment suggesting that antibiotics can be useful in fighting rosacea (those of you who are not interested in reading about my quest to end this annoying skin problem can just scroll down for dating stuff). Antibiotics scare me, though.

Her comment prompted me to remember that during the summer of 2005, a very good skin summer indeed, I had been eating FAGE yogurt by the boatload. What I didn't remember was that I was also mixing two tablespoons of ground flax seed into it.

A light went on.

I may no longer be able to get my hands on FAGE yogurt, as I mentioned in an earlier post, but I do have a full bottle of flax seed oil in my refrigerator. I did a Google search ("flax," "rosacea") and found that other sufferers have found taking several thousand milligrams daily to be helpful. I also did a search on "probiotics," "rosacea" and came up with a similar finding (the bacteria in yogurt is probiotic).

So I hopped over to my favorite Internet supplement source and ordered a bottle of probiotics. Will let you know how it goes.

If you haven't tried flax seed or probiotics, be sure to ask a doctor first, will ya?

Attract a man who's worthy of you for a change.

After the Breakup

Breaking up sucks. Whether you're the one doing the dumping or the one being dumped, it's never easy.

After the breakup, it's imperative that you treat yourself as you would a beloved child. Make a point of doing something nice for yourself every single day. It doesn't have to be expensive (please do not rack up a lot of credit card debt; that's self-destructive). Buy yourself a bouquet of your favorite flowers. Take yourself out to a movie. Make (or learn to make) a favorite meal and enjoy it with a glass of wine.

Talk to yourself kindly. Make a list of your good qualities and read it when you feel down. Don't waste time with anyone who doesn't treat you with the love, tenderness, and respect you deserve.

When I was single and suffered a breakup, I really believed I'd never get over the guy. I tended to fall hard and just couldn't comprehend being able to love anybody else. If this sounds like you, take heart.

Last week, a lovely, educated, attractive woman told me that her first husband left her for her brother's girlfriend -- while she was three months' pregnant. Can you imagine getting over that?

She is now happily married to a much worthier man. She is also the successful owner of a mortgage company that specializes in helping women who are coping with divorce.

Take good care of yourself and better things will come your way, too.

Attract and marry the man of your dreams.

Freaking Rosacea!

After using it for a couple of weeks, I can confidently say that the anti-rosacea skincare line I tried doesn't work any better than the RE-9 system by Arbonne (which is an effective anti-aging line and not even recommended for rosacea sufferers). I guess the lesson here is not to pay $20.00 plus shipping for a product sample. I'm such a sucker.

My friend, L., alerted me to the fact that Arbonne does have a product recommended for people with rosacea, so I've ordered it today and will give that a try. I'm very satisfied with the Arbonne line; those bags I used to get under my eyes have been eliminated, thanks to their magic eye cream.

But the rosacea is getting to me. I was one of those people who never got a pimple as a teenager, and now I get these little breakouts. It must stop.

I've read that rosacea is a widespread affliction that affects millions of people, especially those of Northern European descent. I also understand that it may be attributed to some sort of digestive disorder called "leaky gut" (nice, huh?), in which case there must be some sort of dietary solution. I wonder if probiotics would help.

During the summer of 2005, a yogurt by the name of FAGE became a mainstay of my diet. It tasted delicious and contained all sorts of live bacteria that the usual brands didn't. My skin looked stellar every single day. I mean, just amazing.

Unfortunately, my supermarket stopped carrying FAGE, and I stopped eating it. The rosacea re-reared its ugly head some weeks later and has been a problem ever since.

I wonder if there's a connection....

Attract and marry the man of your dreams.

Love and the Subconscious Mind

"Practice this process of impregnating your subconscious mind. Then, you will have the joy of attracting to you a man possessing the qualities and characteristics you mentally dwelt upon. Your subconscious intelligence will open up a pathway, whereby both of you will meet, according to the irresistible and changeless flow of your own subconscious mind. Have a keen desire to give the best that is in you of love, devotion, and co-operation. Be receptive to this gift of love which you have given to your subconscious mind." -Joseph Murphy, author of The Power of Your Subconscious Mind

1. Write a list of qualities you don't want in a man. Use your ex-boyfriends and your friends' substandard husbands for inspiration.

2. Write a list of the opposite qualities. Now you know what you do want in a man. Congratulations! This knowledge dramatically increases your chances of getting it.

3. Visualize a relationship with a person who embodies these qualities. Don't worry if "he" seems sketchy at first. Visualize this relationship several times a day, consistently, and he will become clearer over time.

4. Know that this person exists somewhere and is on his way to you.

5. Get out of the house. Smile more.

6. Be the type of person you want to date (see step 1). Think about the The Law of Attraction: Like attracts like.

Want more? Check out my ebook.

When It's Just Sex...

Last week I had the good fortune to watch the first season of the Showtime series, Weeds. I'm a huge fan of the star, Mary Louise Parker, and I like Kevin Nealon as the ridiculous pot-smoking town councilman.

Some of the show's characters fall into bed with each other at the drop of the hat, which makes for great drama and even greater comedy. I'm crazy about this show and its wry observations about people who keep up with the Joneses.

While I'm confident that Weeds won't spark an epidemic of widows entering the marijuana trade, I do wonder if showing strangers enjoying sex on a car hood encourages viewers to give it a try. I once heard a story about a woman who said her entire perspective on sex changed after watching Sex and the City. Now she sleeps with everybody.

Which, I guess, is fine if she avoids pregnancy and disease, and if she knows from the outset that what she's doing is having sex. She's not actually dating. She's not getting to know anybody.

A very attractive newscaster once told me she used to get into such disappointing situations with men because she kept "confusing feelings below the waist for feelings of the heart."

I understand that. Women are conditioned to believe that it's okay for men to have tons of sex whenever--and with whomever--they want. Women who engage in such behavior, we're told, are sluts. So some women rationalize having slept with a guy by telling themselves they love him.

This usually results in confusion, self-loathing, and an obsession for a guy who's just not worth it. If you find yourself in this situation, eliminate the drama. Tell yourself the truth. You don't love the guy, and he probably doesn't love you. Don't harbor expectations.

Sex causes angst for men, too. A good-looking, well-employed guy complains that every girl he goes out with suffers from paranoia. "Each and every one of them refuses to believe I'm seeing her and only her. They're convinced I bang everything that isn't nailed down."

He can't get a relationship off the ground, which is what he truly wants. He's frustrated and disappointed.

The thing is, he always gets into bed too early with women, and it's difficult to build a relationship on sex. Face it; if you sleep with somebody on the first or second date, he's going to assume you sleep around. And you're going to assume he does, too.

Now you have a dilemma: You haven't established trust between you, so how can you determine if Backseat Bob would make a decent friend, let alone a loyal, loving, fun, supportive boyfriend? How do you know the dude won't be exposed as a pedophile on Dateline?

Are there exceptions? Yeah. A good friend of mine once slept with a guy after leaving a bar with him and a bottle of borrowed Korbel. They've been married for 18 years and have three kids.

But she's the only person I've ever known to pull it off. The rest of us are better off remaining vertical for longer periods.

If You Don't Know How to Flirt...

A woman told me over the weekend that she met her husband on a church-sponsored hiking trip. He'd spotted her a couple of times before then, and while they hiked, he made a point of keeping pace with her and starting a conversation.

Sounds great, I thought, except had I been in the same situation some years ago, I would probably have blown it by stuttering, or worse, not saying much of anything at all to the guy. I have always been shy, something I fight to this day (people often accuse me of being an inpenetrable snob, and I work to counter this impression. Why do you think I joined Toastmasters?).

Some years ago, a friend's aunt took it upon herself to teach me some flirting techniques. "It's all in the eyes, Terry," she said (that and in the willingness to undo the top button of my blouse). This woman bore a striking likeness to a scarecrow, but I gotta admit, she had a way with the menfolk.

I've lost touch with this auntie, but I've since come across an excellent flirting program by Mimi Tanner. Mimi and I don't agree on everything, but her book is great fun to read and full of workable tips I wished I'd known about years ago.

She offers a guarantee on the program, as well. It's definitely worth a look.

How She Met Her Husband

A woman told me yesterday she had once been fed up of single life in Manhattan. She decided to "pack up and move back home to England."

Then her sister, an executive with a cosmetics company, invited her to an industry event at the Hard Rock Cafe. Without any expectations, she went and got to talking with an organic chemist there.

They fell in love, got married, and moved to Connecticut, where now they have a lovely house and a 7-year-old daughter.

Office Romance Pays Off

The workplace continues to be a great place to meet people of the opposite sex. At a party on Saturday, the hostess' newly engaged sister showed up with her fiance. They told us how their romance secretly burgeoned under the glare of fluorescent lights (and suspicious coworkers).

I once had a fun job where I worked shoulder-to-shoulder in an all-women office, and those women remain good friends to this day. But we all went for long periods without dates. I realized that if I wanted to meet men, I had to get out and be among them.

If you're serious about meeting "the one," go where the men go. Say yes to more invitations. Throw a party. Change jobs. Take up a sport. Go on vacation by yourself.

Shake things up.

My Soul Hurts

After successfully avoiding it for 13 years, I finally caved in and watched Schindler's List this morning. In high school, we were forced to see a documentary of the horrors of the Holocaust, and I never wanted to feel those emotions again.

A couple of times this morning, every muscle in my body started to go, and I nearly collapsed into a heap.

I drove home after the movie and passed out on the couch. Then I viewed a repeat of last night's Colbert Report in a hopeless attempt to laugh.

Time for another nap.

Desperate Housewives' Desperate Beau

Last night's episode had Susan's new boyfriend asking her how many men she'd been to bed with. Susan told him. Naturally, he didn't like the answer.

A correct response to the "how many" question simply does not exist. Depending on the inquisitor, zero may indicate the respondent is a prude, and any number above zero could mean she's a slut.

My response would be, "Why do you ask?" Then I'd change the subject. If the dude had the bad taste to bring it up again, I'd think twice about dating him.

It's one question that reveals more about the person who asked than the one who answered.

Don't Confuse Slow Death for Romance

Fifteen years ago, a good friend of mine was driving around with a man she had fallen in love with. Suddenly, the guy swerved to the side of the road and cut the engine. Then, in that most romantic of gestures, he took her face in his hands.

"You will be the mother of my five children," he announced.

My friend swooned. She flushed with excitement: The man she loved loved her, too. Her every romantic fantasy had come true!

Fast forward to the present: She and this guy, who is now her husband, fight all the time. Just last week, he gave her the back of his hand. Before leaving for yet another business trip, he signed up their children (after her repeated protests) for numerous after-school activities, to which she is the sole provider of transportation. She is also up to her eyes helping a 12-year-old, a 7-year-old, and a 4-year-old with homework.

While she only has three children, as opposed to the five Mr. Romance hoped she'd produce, she knew she'd had it after just two. She told him as much, but he insisted that she have a third child and took steps (I won't go into detail) to ensure she did.

Well, she's miserable. She's a mess. She has asked him to go to marriage counseling, but he informed her that she's the one with a "chemical imbalance" and refused. My friend is overwhelmed and has confessed she has contemplated suicide (we're doing what we can to prevent that).

The point? Do not confuse a man's controlling behavior for romance! If a guy tells you that you're going to be the mother of his children, you might want to think about the fact that he hasn't even asked you if you want any.

Also, if a guy starts badmouthing your friends, your family, or your co-workers, he could be trying to drive a wedge between you. Beware! Once he's cut off your support system, you'll be completely under his power.

Never confuse possession for love. Never confuse control for love. A man who truly loves you will give you your freedom. He will support your dreams and ideas. He will not be threatened when you take a promotion. He will not show up in the bar when you're out with the girls.

If you're dating a guy, and you get a creepy feeling in your stomach, don't confuse it for butterflies. Don't tell yourself you're getting up in years, and all your friends are getting married, and you don't want to be left on the shelf, and all that other garbage women tell themselves to marry the wrong men.

You have one life to live. Please don't screw it up.

Do Men Baffle You?

Then you'll be encouraged to know that we baffle them, too. The funny thing is, we're more alike than we've been led to think. Scroll down to check out The Guide to Not Pissing Women Off. If you substitute "men" for "women," the similarities become crystal clear.

Just ignore the bit about the double standard, will you? I loathe double standards.

More Fun for Singles

An earlier post from today detailed my love of travel.

When I was single, one of my favorite things to do was to check out the airfare deals in the New York Times, especially during an arduous day in the office. I'd sit back and dream of being anywhere but there, listening to my shrill sales manager screaming, "It's Tuesday! The week is almost over. What do you have to show for yourself?"

Most of the time, I had the good fortune to scare up another thrill-seeking traveler, usually my roommate or a colleague. My friend Cathy and I once arrived in Dublin without even a hotel reservation. Our M.O. was to book bus tours to various cities (Galway, Kilkenny, and Cork) and find a family-owned Bed & Breakfast once we got there. We never had any trouble finding a decent place; breakfast the next morning invariably turned up hot, hearty, and delicious.

The great thing about staying in B&Bs instead of a hotel was being able to meet real Irish people, rather than uniformed clerks behind counters in huge lobbies. I once stayed in a B&B in Stratford-upon-Avon in England and had a pleasant experience there, as well.

One particularly sad and lonely summer, I was desperate for a change of scenery but couldn't find a travel companion. Undeterred, I flew to San Francisco by myself and stayed in The Red Victorian Inn on Haight Street. It wasn't quite a B&B, but breakfast was served in a common room, which forced me to talk to people I would never have met had I stayed in, say, The Saint Francis.

The result: I saw an independent film with a dancewear designer from South Africa. I walked around the city with an English woman who'd sold her business to travel around the world. I also had dinner and drinks with a man who owned a publishing company. Very exciting!

I came home a new woman, let me tell you.

I recommend the B&B experience wholeheartedly, especially when you want to expand your horizons and meet people.

You're Single, So Live It Up

I'm tethered (happily, I'll admit) to a husband, two children, and a cat, so I don't get to fly off to distant locations for fun and adventure the way I once did. We take vacations, but I'm not booking them on a whim like I did in the old days. I did go to Orlando last month for business, which was definitely a blast, but, hey, it was business. I never even made it to Disney World.

I dream of travel. Real travel. I want to go to Ireland again! And England! And I've never been to Italy (I sent for the Perillo promo DVD, though, and actually viewed it one day while waiting for Heckle and Jeckle to get off the school bus).

So, I'm not heading to the airport for the time being, but you probably can! I subscribe to a free ezine from Travel Zoo (no, I'm not affiliated with them). Today's issue contained a couple of dealies that took my breath away, especially this inexpensive one to dreamy London. Please go and tell me about it when you get back!

In the meantime, a little family of Cheerios is staring up at me from under my desk. I'll bet there are no Cheerios under your desk.

Clearing Your Beliefs About Men and Money

EFT is a free and valuable tool for changing your life. Today my inbox included this fascinating article by EFT practitioner Carol Tuttle. It includes a audio link to a lengthy--but very worthwhile--session in which Carol describes how she paid off $35,000 in debt in just one year.

In a particularly exciting segment, she helps a woman who has never attracted a decent boyfriend.

Blew It? Recapture His Interest!

Oh, no! The guy you're crazy about finally gave you a little attention, and you swooped on him like a parakeet fighting for the last cracker left in the cage. Now you're horrified, humiliated, and praying that you never see him again.

Hold on.

Believe it or not, there's hope. It is indeed possible to save face and even kindle the man's interest by doing one simple thing the next time you run into him: Be cool. In other words, smile, wave, and keep moving.

Make this your mantra. Smile, wave, and keep moving.

Put yourself in his place: You're out one night, and an otherwise attractive guy showers you with undivided attention, tries to impress you by bragging about his job, and so on. You're flattered but turned off. The guy's obviously a jerk, but you flounce home feeling good about yourself. You've got the goods, and men are noticing.

But the next time you run into the guy, he plays it cool. Instead of rushing over and gushing all over you, he merely smiles, waves, and keeps moving. It's not exactly a blow off, but it does throw you. Did you have him all wrong? Maybe you'd only imagined his interest. How much had you to drink, exactly? Did you do something to turn him off?

His sudden lack of passion intrigues you. You find yourself wondering about him. You ask around. You decide that his job did seem pretty interesting. He really wasn't bad looking. It suddenly occurs to you that you could definitely do a lot worse.

Do you see how this works?

While it's never a good idea to deliberately come on too strong to a guy (ideally, you should be friendly and confident), most of us have done it. Play it cool the next time you see him, and you may recapture his attention. At the very least, you'll recover your dignity.

Smile, wave, and keep moving.

Test-driving a Cure for Rosacea

For the past six months or so, I've been using the remarkable RE-9 anti-aging skincare line by Arbonne. The eye cream has done wonders for those filthy bags that have plagued me since my early 20s, so much that I no longer have to travel with a cache of tea bags. I've also eliminated the very beginnings of crepey neck with other products in the line.

What the RE-9 apparently can't do is get rid of the rosacea that erupted on my cheeks about 10 years ago. It did seem to lessen the redness, but the little spots refuse to budge. So, I've been surfing the 'net in search of some relief. A dermatologist recommended a prescription topical by the name of MetroGel, which offered minimal results. Taking alpha-lipoic acid internally definitely reduced symptoms but didn't get rid of them altogether.

Now I'm trying a line of skincare (still using the RE-9 around the eyes and on the neck!) touted to stop rosacea in its tracks. If it works, I will name names. If it doesn't, I won't (but I will tell you what I think of it).

If you're interested in the RE-9, let me know, and I'll give you some more information (I've signed up as a wholesale consultant, which may help you if you live on the Eastern seaboard, where Arbonne is not yet a household name. If you live anywhere else in the country, your next door neighbor is probably already a wholesale consultant).

In the meantime, if anyone knows of a safe rosacea soother (or, better yet, a cure!), please clue me in.