Freaking Rosacea!

After using it for a couple of weeks, I can confidently say that the anti-rosacea skincare line I tried doesn't work any better than the RE-9 system by Arbonne (which is an effective anti-aging line and not even recommended for rosacea sufferers). I guess the lesson here is not to pay $20.00 plus shipping for a product sample. I'm such a sucker.

My friend, L., alerted me to the fact that Arbonne does have a product recommended for people with rosacea, so I've ordered it today and will give that a try. I'm very satisfied with the Arbonne line; those bags I used to get under my eyes have been eliminated, thanks to their magic eye cream.

But the rosacea is getting to me. I was one of those people who never got a pimple as a teenager, and now I get these little breakouts. It must stop.

I've read that rosacea is a widespread affliction that affects millions of people, especially those of Northern European descent. I also understand that it may be attributed to some sort of digestive disorder called "leaky gut" (nice, huh?), in which case there must be some sort of dietary solution. I wonder if probiotics would help.

During the summer of 2005, a yogurt by the name of FAGE became a mainstay of my diet. It tasted delicious and contained all sorts of live bacteria that the usual brands didn't. My skin looked stellar every single day. I mean, just amazing.

Unfortunately, my supermarket stopped carrying FAGE, and I stopped eating it. The rosacea re-reared its ugly head some weeks later and has been a problem ever since.

I wonder if there's a connection....

Attract and marry the man of your dreams.

Love and the Subconscious Mind

"Practice this process of impregnating your subconscious mind. Then, you will have the joy of attracting to you a man possessing the qualities and characteristics you mentally dwelt upon. Your subconscious intelligence will open up a pathway, whereby both of you will meet, according to the irresistible and changeless flow of your own subconscious mind. Have a keen desire to give the best that is in you of love, devotion, and co-operation. Be receptive to this gift of love which you have given to your subconscious mind." -Joseph Murphy, author of The Power of Your Subconscious Mind

1. Write a list of qualities you don't want in a man. Use your ex-boyfriends and your friends' substandard husbands for inspiration.

2. Write a list of the opposite qualities. Now you know what you do want in a man. Congratulations! This knowledge dramatically increases your chances of getting it.

3. Visualize a relationship with a person who embodies these qualities. Don't worry if "he" seems sketchy at first. Visualize this relationship several times a day, consistently, and he will become clearer over time.

4. Know that this person exists somewhere and is on his way to you.

5. Get out of the house. Smile more.

6. Be the type of person you want to date (see step 1). Think about the The Law of Attraction: Like attracts like.

Want more? Check out my ebook.

When It's Just Sex...

Last week I had the good fortune to watch the first season of the Showtime series, Weeds. I'm a huge fan of the star, Mary Louise Parker, and I like Kevin Nealon as the ridiculous pot-smoking town councilman.

Some of the show's characters fall into bed with each other at the drop of the hat, which makes for great drama and even greater comedy. I'm crazy about this show and its wry observations about people who keep up with the Joneses.

While I'm confident that Weeds won't spark an epidemic of widows entering the marijuana trade, I do wonder if showing strangers enjoying sex on a car hood encourages viewers to give it a try. I once heard a story about a woman who said her entire perspective on sex changed after watching Sex and the City. Now she sleeps with everybody.

Which, I guess, is fine if she avoids pregnancy and disease, and if she knows from the outset that what she's doing is having sex. She's not actually dating. She's not getting to know anybody.

A very attractive newscaster once told me she used to get into such disappointing situations with men because she kept "confusing feelings below the waist for feelings of the heart."

I understand that. Women are conditioned to believe that it's okay for men to have tons of sex whenever--and with whomever--they want. Women who engage in such behavior, we're told, are sluts. So some women rationalize having slept with a guy by telling themselves they love him.

This usually results in confusion, self-loathing, and an obsession for a guy who's just not worth it. If you find yourself in this situation, eliminate the drama. Tell yourself the truth. You don't love the guy, and he probably doesn't love you. Don't harbor expectations.

Sex causes angst for men, too. A good-looking, well-employed guy complains that every girl he goes out with suffers from paranoia. "Each and every one of them refuses to believe I'm seeing her and only her. They're convinced I bang everything that isn't nailed down."

He can't get a relationship off the ground, which is what he truly wants. He's frustrated and disappointed.

The thing is, he always gets into bed too early with women, and it's difficult to build a relationship on sex. Face it; if you sleep with somebody on the first or second date, he's going to assume you sleep around. And you're going to assume he does, too.

Now you have a dilemma: You haven't established trust between you, so how can you determine if Backseat Bob would make a decent friend, let alone a loyal, loving, fun, supportive boyfriend? How do you know the dude won't be exposed as a pedophile on Dateline?

Are there exceptions? Yeah. A good friend of mine once slept with a guy after leaving a bar with him and a bottle of borrowed Korbel. They've been married for 18 years and have three kids.

But she's the only person I've ever known to pull it off. The rest of us are better off remaining vertical for longer periods.

If You Don't Know How to Flirt...

A woman told me over the weekend that she met her husband on a church-sponsored hiking trip. He'd spotted her a couple of times before then, and while they hiked, he made a point of keeping pace with her and starting a conversation.

Sounds great, I thought, except had I been in the same situation some years ago, I would probably have blown it by stuttering, or worse, not saying much of anything at all to the guy. I have always been shy, something I fight to this day (people often accuse me of being an inpenetrable snob, and I work to counter this impression. Why do you think I joined Toastmasters?).

Some years ago, a friend's aunt took it upon herself to teach me some flirting techniques. "It's all in the eyes, Terry," she said (that and in the willingness to undo the top button of my blouse). This woman bore a striking likeness to a scarecrow, but I gotta admit, she had a way with the menfolk.

I've lost touch with this auntie, but I've since come across an excellent flirting program by Mimi Tanner. Mimi and I don't agree on everything, but her book is great fun to read and full of workable tips I wished I'd known about years ago.

She offers a guarantee on the program, as well. It's definitely worth a look.

How She Met Her Husband

A woman told me yesterday she had once been fed up of single life in Manhattan. She decided to "pack up and move back home to England."

Then her sister, an executive with a cosmetics company, invited her to an industry event at the Hard Rock Cafe. Without any expectations, she went and got to talking with an organic chemist there.

They fell in love, got married, and moved to Connecticut, where now they have a lovely house and a 7-year-old daughter.

Office Romance Pays Off

The workplace continues to be a great place to meet people of the opposite sex. At a party on Saturday, the hostess' newly engaged sister showed up with her fiance. They told us how their romance secretly burgeoned under the glare of fluorescent lights (and suspicious coworkers).

I once had a fun job where I worked shoulder-to-shoulder in an all-women office, and those women remain good friends to this day. But we all went for long periods without dates. I realized that if I wanted to meet men, I had to get out and be among them.

If you're serious about meeting "the one," go where the men go. Say yes to more invitations. Throw a party. Change jobs. Take up a sport. Go on vacation by yourself.

Shake things up.

My Soul Hurts

After successfully avoiding it for 13 years, I finally caved in and watched Schindler's List this morning. In high school, we were forced to see a documentary of the horrors of the Holocaust, and I never wanted to feel those emotions again.

A couple of times this morning, every muscle in my body started to go, and I nearly collapsed into a heap.

I drove home after the movie and passed out on the couch. Then I viewed a repeat of last night's Colbert Report in a hopeless attempt to laugh.

Time for another nap.

Desperate Housewives' Desperate Beau

Last night's episode had Susan's new boyfriend asking her how many men she'd been to bed with. Susan told him. Naturally, he didn't like the answer.

A correct response to the "how many" question simply does not exist. Depending on the inquisitor, zero may indicate the respondent is a prude, and any number above zero could mean she's a slut.

My response would be, "Why do you ask?" Then I'd change the subject. If the dude had the bad taste to bring it up again, I'd think twice about dating him.

It's one question that reveals more about the person who asked than the one who answered.

Don't Confuse Slow Death for Romance

Fifteen years ago, a good friend of mine was driving around with a man she had fallen in love with. Suddenly, the guy swerved to the side of the road and cut the engine. Then, in that most romantic of gestures, he took her face in his hands.

"You will be the mother of my five children," he announced.

My friend swooned. She flushed with excitement: The man she loved loved her, too. Her every romantic fantasy had come true!

Fast forward to the present: She and this guy, who is now her husband, fight all the time. Just last week, he gave her the back of his hand. Before leaving for yet another business trip, he signed up their children (after her repeated protests) for numerous after-school activities, to which she is the sole provider of transportation. She is also up to her eyes helping a 12-year-old, a 7-year-old, and a 4-year-old with homework.

While she only has three children, as opposed to the five Mr. Romance hoped she'd produce, she knew she'd had it after just two. She told him as much, but he insisted that she have a third child and took steps (I won't go into detail) to ensure she did.

Well, she's miserable. She's a mess. She has asked him to go to marriage counseling, but he informed her that she's the one with a "chemical imbalance" and refused. My friend is overwhelmed and has confessed she has contemplated suicide (we're doing what we can to prevent that).

The point? Do not confuse a man's controlling behavior for romance! If a guy tells you that you're going to be the mother of his children, you might want to think about the fact that he hasn't even asked you if you want any.

Also, if a guy starts badmouthing your friends, your family, or your co-workers, he could be trying to drive a wedge between you. Beware! Once he's cut off your support system, you'll be completely under his power.

Never confuse possession for love. Never confuse control for love. A man who truly loves you will give you your freedom. He will support your dreams and ideas. He will not be threatened when you take a promotion. He will not show up in the bar when you're out with the girls.

If you're dating a guy, and you get a creepy feeling in your stomach, don't confuse it for butterflies. Don't tell yourself you're getting up in years, and all your friends are getting married, and you don't want to be left on the shelf, and all that other garbage women tell themselves to marry the wrong men.

You have one life to live. Please don't screw it up.

Do Men Baffle You?

Then you'll be encouraged to know that we baffle them, too. The funny thing is, we're more alike than we've been led to think. Scroll down to check out The Guide to Not Pissing Women Off. If you substitute "men" for "women," the similarities become crystal clear.

Just ignore the bit about the double standard, will you? I loathe double standards.

More Fun for Singles

An earlier post from today detailed my love of travel.

When I was single, one of my favorite things to do was to check out the airfare deals in the New York Times, especially during an arduous day in the office. I'd sit back and dream of being anywhere but there, listening to my shrill sales manager screaming, "It's Tuesday! The week is almost over. What do you have to show for yourself?"

Most of the time, I had the good fortune to scare up another thrill-seeking traveler, usually my roommate or a colleague. My friend Cathy and I once arrived in Dublin without even a hotel reservation. Our M.O. was to book bus tours to various cities (Galway, Kilkenny, and Cork) and find a family-owned Bed & Breakfast once we got there. We never had any trouble finding a decent place; breakfast the next morning invariably turned up hot, hearty, and delicious.

The great thing about staying in B&Bs instead of a hotel was being able to meet real Irish people, rather than uniformed clerks behind counters in huge lobbies. I once stayed in a B&B in Stratford-upon-Avon in England and had a pleasant experience there, as well.

One particularly sad and lonely summer, I was desperate for a change of scenery but couldn't find a travel companion. Undeterred, I flew to San Francisco by myself and stayed in The Red Victorian Inn on Haight Street. It wasn't quite a B&B, but breakfast was served in a common room, which forced me to talk to people I would never have met had I stayed in, say, The Saint Francis.

The result: I saw an independent film with a dancewear designer from South Africa. I walked around the city with an English woman who'd sold her business to travel around the world. I also had dinner and drinks with a man who owned a publishing company. Very exciting!

I came home a new woman, let me tell you.

I recommend the B&B experience wholeheartedly, especially when you want to expand your horizons and meet people.

You're Single, So Live It Up

I'm tethered (happily, I'll admit) to a husband, two children, and a cat, so I don't get to fly off to distant locations for fun and adventure the way I once did. We take vacations, but I'm not booking them on a whim like I did in the old days. I did go to Orlando last month for business, which was definitely a blast, but, hey, it was business. I never even made it to Disney World.

I dream of travel. Real travel. I want to go to Ireland again! And England! And I've never been to Italy (I sent for the Perillo promo DVD, though, and actually viewed it one day while waiting for Heckle and Jeckle to get off the school bus).

So, I'm not heading to the airport for the time being, but you probably can! I subscribe to a free ezine from Travel Zoo (no, I'm not affiliated with them). Today's issue contained a couple of dealies that took my breath away, especially this inexpensive one to dreamy London. Please go and tell me about it when you get back!

In the meantime, a little family of Cheerios is staring up at me from under my desk. I'll bet there are no Cheerios under your desk.

Clearing Your Beliefs About Men and Money

EFT is a free and valuable tool for changing your life. Today my inbox included this fascinating article by EFT practitioner Carol Tuttle. It includes a audio link to a lengthy--but very worthwhile--session in which Carol describes how she paid off $35,000 in debt in just one year.

In a particularly exciting segment, she helps a woman who has never attracted a decent boyfriend.

Blew It? Recapture His Interest!

Oh, no! The guy you're crazy about finally gave you a little attention, and you swooped on him like a parakeet fighting for the last cracker left in the cage. Now you're horrified, humiliated, and praying that you never see him again.

Hold on.

Believe it or not, there's hope. It is indeed possible to save face and even kindle the man's interest by doing one simple thing the next time you run into him: Be cool. In other words, smile, wave, and keep moving.

Make this your mantra. Smile, wave, and keep moving.

Put yourself in his place: You're out one night, and an otherwise attractive guy showers you with undivided attention, tries to impress you by bragging about his job, and so on. You're flattered but turned off. The guy's obviously a jerk, but you flounce home feeling good about yourself. You've got the goods, and men are noticing.

But the next time you run into the guy, he plays it cool. Instead of rushing over and gushing all over you, he merely smiles, waves, and keeps moving. It's not exactly a blow off, but it does throw you. Did you have him all wrong? Maybe you'd only imagined his interest. How much had you to drink, exactly? Did you do something to turn him off?

His sudden lack of passion intrigues you. You find yourself wondering about him. You ask around. You decide that his job did seem pretty interesting. He really wasn't bad looking. It suddenly occurs to you that you could definitely do a lot worse.

Do you see how this works?

While it's never a good idea to deliberately come on too strong to a guy (ideally, you should be friendly and confident), most of us have done it. Play it cool the next time you see him, and you may recapture his attention. At the very least, you'll recover your dignity.

Smile, wave, and keep moving.

Test-driving a Cure for Rosacea

For the past six months or so, I've been using the remarkable RE-9 anti-aging skincare line by Arbonne. The eye cream has done wonders for those filthy bags that have plagued me since my early 20s, so much that I no longer have to travel with a cache of tea bags. I've also eliminated the very beginnings of crepey neck with other products in the line.

What the RE-9 apparently can't do is get rid of the rosacea that erupted on my cheeks about 10 years ago. It did seem to lessen the redness, but the little spots refuse to budge. So, I've been surfing the 'net in search of some relief. A dermatologist recommended a prescription topical by the name of MetroGel, which offered minimal results. Taking alpha-lipoic acid internally definitely reduced symptoms but didn't get rid of them altogether.

Now I'm trying a line of skincare (still using the RE-9 around the eyes and on the neck!) touted to stop rosacea in its tracks. If it works, I will name names. If it doesn't, I won't (but I will tell you what I think of it).

If you're interested in the RE-9, let me know, and I'll give you some more information (I've signed up as a wholesale consultant, which may help you if you live on the Eastern seaboard, where Arbonne is not yet a household name. If you live anywhere else in the country, your next door neighbor is probably already a wholesale consultant).

In the meantime, if anyone knows of a safe rosacea soother (or, better yet, a cure!), please clue me in.

Don't Date Him!

Where was Don'tDateHimGirl.com when I was dating? I can think of one or two clowns who should've been on it with their names in lights. They're probably still out there--with one or two STDs under their belts--and may get their comeuppance yet.

Especially interesting to me is this guy, Malcom, who is, I'm sorry to say, the type I once fell for.

I dated a guy who excelled at the "overlap" game Malcolm likes to play. He also liked to hit the bar scene in a suit to make him feel (and look) like a power player. I don't know that my former fling shares any of this jerk's other peculiarities. I really and truly hope not.

I'm referring to the thing with the webcam. Eeeew.

Love, Life and The Law of Attraction

Just because I wrote a book detailing how to use the Law of Attraction to achieve romance and happiness doesn't mean I don't forget to use it myself every now and then.

I refer to those times when I get a whopping oil bill in the mail, or when one of my children brings home bad grades, and I start worrying that she'll never get into college (when I think rationally, I remember that a college education hardly guarantees success in life).

When I start dwelling on limitations, I tend to mangetize bad situations. I did not attract a happy marriage by mentally replaying painful scenes from old relationships, for example.

For two decades I have devoured every book I came across on The Law of Attraction, including Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain, The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy, The Magic of Believing by Claude Bristol, and Positive Imaging by Norman Vincent Peale.

A couple of years ago, I came across an offer for a free ebook on the subject, The Science of Getting Rich, by Wallace Wattles. It sounded pie-in-the-sky, but I figured what the hell. It was free, so I ordered it.

I read it, enjoyed it, copied down some pertinent quotes from it in a notebook, and forgot about it.

Fast forward to two weeks ago: After viewing the amazing movie, The Secret, I read that The Science of Getting Rich served as its inspiration. I heartily recommend that you watch The Secret, and I suggest you download SOGR and put its principals to work.

Right now, I can think of one or two areas in my life that could stand improvement. It's time to stop looking at what is and visualize what could be. Once again, I am using the Law of Attraction.

Attracting a Man Who Actually Makes You Happy

"Everything's in the mind. That's where it all starts. Knowing what you want is the first step toward getting it."

-Mae West

Do you know what you want in a man? Do you know that it matters? If you want to meet a guy who'll leave the last meatball you dated in the dust, ask yourself a few questions.

First: What don't you want in a man? Write it down.

Second: Turn it around. Write down an opposite quality for each of the ones you don't want. Now you know what you do want.

The next time--or the next few times-- you go out with a guy, you'll have a checklist to help you determine whether he's worth your while. (No need to break it out over dinner, mind you.) The key is to date only guys who are capable of a joyous relationship. Give 'em a chance and then decide.

It's funny. If you stop dating men who aren't worth your time, eventually the ones who are will start showing up.

It happened to me.

Meet Men Without Trying

My amazing friend, V, tells me she is meeting attractive guys every day now that she has a dog. She insists that they're falling out of trees to talk to her. Too bad she's married.

I'm a cat person myself, but I never met a man through a cat.

Coordinated people can meet other coordinated people by joining local co-ed sports teams. If there's not a co-ed team in your area, join a women's team (a teammate may introduce you to a handsome stranger!).

This is a great time of year for Oktoberfests and other fun events that tend to attract upbeat people in search of a good time. Get out there.

At a Crossroads

I'm sorry I haven't posted about my new adventure. You probably don't care, but I do. I hate saying I'm going to do a thing and then not do it. It interferes with my sleep.

But, after giving it much thought, I think I'd like to keep this blog focused on dating.

I attended a baby shower Friday night (nighttime showers, I notice, facilitate the consumption of a fair amount of wine, which is fine with me. I ordinarily hate showers. This one was actually fun).

A new acquaintance asked me where I met my husband.

"A bar," I answered somewhat sheepishly.

"So did I," she answered.

"So did I," answered someone else.

Turned out the majority of us did meet our husbands in bars, and all but one of us are happily married. The one woman (a wonderful friend) who recently asked her husband for a divorce met her husband through church. He's a horror show.

I mention this not to put down churches (I'm a Catholic and raising my children in the Church), but to emphasize that meeting a guy at a church event does not guarantee that he's a good, or even decent, man.

Some people will turn their noses up at the concept of meeting a guy in a bar; they don't want to be saddled with an alcoholic. And I am here to tell you that you will easily meet as many alcoholics in church as you ever will in a bar.

The point is, take people as you find them, not where you find them. If your gut tells you something doesn't add up about a person, it does not matter if you met him in a bar, or after he saved your mother's life on the operating table.

Wipe the stars from your eyes until you're sure a guy is worth your time.

It's Man-Meeting Season

Oh, yes.

The air is getting crisper, and the fellows will soon be huddled jovially at the local tavern to watch Monday Night Football. If you want to meet a great guy, this is one place to do it.

The bonus to meeting a guy during a sports event in a bar: You get to see how he drinks and how he reacts when his team wins or gets slaughtered. Better to find these things out now than after you've waltzed down the aisle and bound yourself to him for life.

I also just happen to have handy the adult education brochure for my neighborhood, and it's chock full of classes that men are likely to attend. No doubt the one in your neighborhood is, too.

My favorite picks are Guitar for Beginners (likely to attract the guy eager to release his inner Jimi Hendrix), Auto Shop, How to Buy and Sell Real Estate Wisely, and Golf for the Beginner. Personally, I would avoid Line Dancing and Learning to Read the Tarot.

My adult ed brochure also features Basic Auto for Women-Men Invited, which will be taught by a man. I wonder if said man is single. If so, he'll be meeting a group of new women. What a great idea!

What can you teach that other people want to learn? If can whip up an enchilada to die for, you (yes, you!) could offer a course entitled, Mexican Cooking for Men. Or you can offer a co-ed class and see who turns up. One of your students just may turn out to be a woman with a gorgeous brother she'd like to marry off.

I've told you how my male friend, B., set out to meet females by taking a gourmet cooking course. He didn't meet anyone in class, but he did meet his future wife at a party he held at his home to show off his new skills. He invited a select group of people and asked them to bring along a friend, which resulted in introductions to many women.

Before you try any of this, of course, you'll need to believe that good, eligible men actually exist and want to meet a wonderful woman like you (you do know you're wonderful, don't you?).

To facilitate the process, I suggest you study the Law of Attraction. You can buy my book, How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams, or view the absolutely brilliant movie, The Secret (I don't make any money on this one, but it'd be a crime to hold out on you).

Tomorrow (well, I hope it'll be tomorrow), I'll tell you about my recent adventure.

No More Panic Attacks (No Drugs Necessary!)

Over the past several decades, I've suffered from insomnia and panic attacks. They usually hit during a big episode in my life, like the night before the 8th grade dance, after the birth of my children, or during the illness and subsequent death of my mother.

About a month ago, a couple of opportunities presented themselves that would make a normal person leap with joy. But they resulted in more scariness and sleepless nights for me. For instance, a national writers' group invited me to be on their TV show. No writer in her right mind would refuse such a gift. I didn't, but I didn't sleep, either.

Enter Alison Held, a practitioner of EFT, a remarkable method that has been useful in ending panic attacks, weight problems, dyslexia, ADD, and a host of other physical or emotional troubles.

I had enjoyed some success using EFT on my own (it's simple to learn), but I couldn't believe the results I got from working with Alison. After just one session, I've slept peacefully every night since our meeting 13 days ago.

I taped the TV show on Monday without sweating, stammering, turning red, or generally freaking out. I arrived at the studio calmly. When I learned that the host had gotten stuck in traffic and would be late, I remained unruffled. Then the crew suffered technical difficulties with the new equipment. I still managed to stay preternaturally calm.

The benefits of one session with Alison just amaze me. I wholeheartedly recommend EFT, and if you'd like to check it out, you can download a free instructional ebook at EFT founder Gary Craig's website.

If you're interested in working with Alison, she does sessions in person and over the phone.

Why do I mention this on a blog devoted to dating? Well, when I was stuck in the groove of dating one unsuitable man after another, I could have used a technique that would have freed me from the limiting beliefs (or emotional blocks) that kept me there.

Your beliefs about yourself determine your destiny, and you can change your beliefs with EFT.

I am off to Florida tomorrow morning. I am embarking on another exciting adventure and will tell you about it when I return.

The World Is Full of Wonderful Men. I Swear.

She sounds like one of those women who hates other women, but she does make a provocative point about how to treat a man.

If you have an opinion, I'd love to hear it.

What's the Point of Getting Married If You're Going to Drop Dead of a Heart Attack?

I have not stepped foot in a McDonald's in years. The food is crap. It's fattening, artery-clogging, and downright bad for my health. Now the fast food giant is enticing future fat asses of America to eat its garbage by offering Happy Meal versions of the #1 gas guzzler.

Register your protest here:

Why Are Women So Eager to Hate Themselves?

That's the question my husband asked me once. (He also asked, "Why do women have such low expectations of men?" but that's a subject for another post).

Yesterday's New York Times Book Review featured a piece on Nora Ephron's new book, I Feel Bad about My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman .

Nora Ephron is a funny, talented woman (she wrote Sleepless in Seattle, among other things), and it's a damn shame that she would waste ink and paper on this drivel. I cannot fathom who in their right mind would pony up $19.95 to read it.

Would you bemoan the state of your thinning neck to a kid in a cancer ward? Only the lucky get old, so get over it. In the meantime, stay out of tanning salons and wear sunscreen.

I'm Not Paying You to Flirt With Me

Hi, Terry-

I met a guy; he's my karate instructor. I see him about four times a week. From afar, I thought he was cute, but he was married. One night he tried to set me up with his friend but ended up flirting with me instead. He was going through a divorce and did not want a rebound relationship. He kissed me and stayed over the night. No, we did not sleep together.

He called the next day to make sure everything was cool between us. He said he was attracted to me and liked me, but he needed to get his stuff together. We went out to lunch with friends the next day. He has not asked me out or called me. I only see him when I go to my training. He still flirts with me all the time.

Since the outing, he makes comments that are a little more than just friends -- for example, do you want my number, you can grab me anytime (it was during a karate move). During another karate move, he started acting like we were dancing. I also catch him looking at me during class.

Is he sending me messages that he wants more than he said, or he is just having fun and figures I am safe to flirt with? I was under the impression he does not want anything right now, or maybe ever.

Thanks-

K

Hi, K-

He said he's attracted to you but wants to get his stuff together. That's fine, but he shouldn't be flirting with you.

He says one thing, and then does another. You can be straight with him and say, "Look, I'm attracted to you, too, but since you don't want a relationship, I'd really appreciate it if we kept things professional. You're the teacher, and I'm the student. Don't play games with me."

Then see what happens. If he continues to flirt, you may have to find another instructor. I have a feeling you'd rather not, but it beats being treated like a yo-yo, especially if you're paying the guy.

You deserve better.

He Doesn't Know What the Hell He Wants

Hi, Terry-

I met a guy. He wants to get married and have kids. He broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks ago. He was up-front about it. He does not like to be alone and goes from one relationship to the next. He admitted that he is a serial monogomist. I told him up front I wanted to take things slow. He said no problem. He was very interested, and we dated for a few weeks until his ex-girlfriend kept calling him. I told him he needed some closure with her. He got back with her, but we had contact again and went out.

He told me he is confused, but I am the type of girl he wants to be with. He knows deep down she is not for him but can't seem to let go. He is the type that likes to be told what to do. I told him that he needs to make his own decision. We hung out and had fun. He kept asking about getting married. etc. I said, slow down; I just want to date and get to know you. Who knows what the future brings? The next day, we text one another, and now I have not spoken to him in four days. I know he saw the on/off girlfriend. He is very honest and always responds, but now he has not.

Is this the typical guy behavior? I do know all about the actions speaking louder than words. I guess I figured he would give the courtesy of calling saying he is staying with the ex.

-K

Hello, K-

No, this is not typical guy behavior. It is behavior typical of someone who doesn't know what he wants and is probably never going to sit down long enough to figure it out.

You sound like a sensible person; you told him you wanted to take things slow, and he told you he wanted to get married and have children. Then he flitted back to the ex-girlfriend he knows is "not for him."

After the disappearing act, the guy couldn't even manage to give you the courtesy of a clear-cut "I'm going back to the old girlfriend." Do you really have room in your life for such an individual? I think you deserve quite a bit more than what he can offer.

Repeat: This is not typical guy behavior.

When dating, use this rule: Treat others as you would have them treat you, and if they don't treat you as you would treat them, hit the highway.

To your happily ever after,
Terry

How Old Is Too Old for Love?

Hello, Terry-

I am 57 years old. Can you still find true love at my age? I sometimes go the psychic fairs and was told I will meet a widower. When I cut my front lawn, I notice a lot of older men drive by in their cars. Also, there a lot of men who shop in grocery stores too.

Thanks,
Sharon of Ohio


Hi, Sharon-

You can find true love at any age! My 68-year-old uncle, who was widowed in November of 2003, married a 61-year-old woman on July 15 (they met while fishing).

Keep getting out of the house, go where the men go, and put a smile on your face. You'll meet somebody!

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Do You Believe in Love at First Sight?

I do, and here's why.

And here's how to tell if that guy who claims he's in love with you is even worth it.

My Poor Brady

Tomorrow marks the broadcast of Christopher Knight's marriage to Adrienne Curry on My Fair Brady. You can catch the episodes leading up to the big event during a marathon starting at 4:30PM.

Former Brady Bunch star Christopher Knight, 48, has visibly aged since he took up with Curry, who's 23. The guy's living proof that shacking up with a woman 25 years younger won't keep you young. Adrienne is going to kill him.

In a past episode, when he admitted his burgeoning feelings for her, she ridiculed him. The fact that he had fallen in love with her wasn't enough; the way he expressed it simply didn't live up to her bubblegum fantasies.

The woman is incapable of remaining clothed for extended periods and enjoys lathering up in the near buff with female friends, which may sound like every man's fantasy, but it seems to be turning into a serious nightmare for poor Chrissie (as Adrienne calls him). His family hates her, and even his former TV mom, Florence Henderson, has expressed reservations.

I am expressing reservations, too. Don't do it, Chrissie. Oh, right; the show is already in the can, which means you probably already did.

The Benefits of Unattachment

My brother and I discussed the positives of being single last night. Number one would be not negotiating with a significant other about where you're going to spend the holidays. You can enjoy Christmas with your own brothers and sisters without fending off cries of, "We went to your freaking family's last year!"

This is only a plus, of course, if your relatives comprehend that being umarried means your existence remains full of possibilities; you are not some perpetual adolescent whose life is jigging past like Michael Flatley in Lord of the Dance. Singles saddled with unenlightened relations would do well to celebrate Christmas alone in Hawaii.

Another great thing about being single: You will probably not discover an email from Amazon confirming your order for fart pens. What, pray tell, is a fart pen? Well, Dear Reader, I wondered the same thing.

Turns out one of my darling offspring got into my Amazon account while I sawed away on my Nordic Track this morning. She ordered said fart pens, which Amazon describes as thus:

"It's a real pen shaped like a finger and when you pull on it, out will come farting sounds. Great for that boring night of homework or maybe make your friends laugh at this very comical pen."

In case you're wondering, I changed the password on my Amazon account. This should be an interesting summer.

Toastmasters and You

Dating tip: If you want to meet ambitious people set on improving themselves, join a Toastmasters group. Chances are, many members will be spoken for, but you never know who they know.

Expanding your social network is key if you want to meet exciting new people. And, at Toastmasters, you'll develop a valuable new skill, which will certainly come in handy when you thank guests for coming to your wedding.

Senior Citizen Dating Tragedies

Yeah, I know. I haven't been here for a while. Here's the conflict: This is a dating blog. Sometimes I want to write about things other than dating, like movies or food or somebody's husband who pisses me off (actually, there are a few of those).

Peter and I have been out and about lately, in restaurants, bars, and such, and I can tell you a few things:

Senior citizens are clueless about dating.

Case #1: The age 70-plus geezer who came into the bar where Peter and I were waiting for a table with a lovely woman around his own age. Turns out, the guy was out celebrating his birthday. Somebody at the bar offered him three wishes. The birthday pensioner exclaimed, "Every woman here is now a blonde."

Since none of the women present had blonde hair, including the elegant woman he came in with, it's safe to say that the rest of his date didn't go as well as he might have hoped.

Case #2: Squeezed into a small table at a hotspot in Monroe, Connecticut, next to an elderly woman wearing pearls and her date, Peter and I listened to her blather on about "my son," "my daw-tah," her ailments, her landlord, and so on. The poor bastard she came in with didn't get a word in edgewise.

At one point, she bellowed, "I'm gonna get drunk. Do you mind? I wanna get drunk." The guy mumbled, "I don't mind." At this point, Peter raised his eyebrows. How'd we get stuck sitting next to her?

When the check came, the guy sitting next to me sighed with resignation and signed it. His date screamed, "Are you drunk? Awww. You're sobah? That's too bad 'cause I'm really drunk!

Case #3: The recently widowed older man who told me, "I don't understand women. I never have." Here's a tip, Buddy: Treat other people as you'd have them treat you, and you should be okay.

Saw The Breakup last night with H. and V. Hilarious and right on the money! What I probably will avoid is the movie featured in a trailer starring Kate Hudson, Matt Dillon, and Owen Wilson. It looked like it might have a few dumb laughs, but Kate Hudson appeared half-dressed in almost all the shots. You might as well do Playboy videos, Kate. What you're doing ain't acting.

A movie called Acceptance, featuring one of my heroes, Lewis Black, looks promising. I will see it. I will also see Clerks 2 before I see the thing with Kate Hudson.

I Would Marry You, Stephen Colbert, If Only I Weren't Already Married

And if only you weren't married!

But you are, and I am. That said, I want to congratulate you on your patriotic and inspiring speech at Saturday night's White House Correspondents' Dinner. Perhaps the reason you got so few laughs is because you told the sorry, pathetic truth.

And, boy, does the truth hurt.

I thought for sure that a big white hook would pop out and sweep you from my admiring gaze, or that Laura Bush would decapitate you with her steak knife.

I applaud your courage, Sir.

Dating for the Shy

If you don't know what to say when you meet men, keep the focus on him. Ask him what he likes to do on weekends, what movies he's seen recently, and so on. Don't ask questions that result in a 'yes' or 'no.'

If you ask a guy what he did over the weekend, he might say he went fishing. Then you can ask how long he's been fishing, where he likes to fish, when he started fishing, what he likes about fishing, and so on. People love to talk about things they love, and the fact that you're interested makes you interesting.

Don't worry about what to say next.

Here's the formula: Ask a question, listen to the answer, ask another question. Avoid making inquiries about religion or political affiliation, at least until you get to know the man better. Right now, the goal is to get the guy talking about things he likes to do. He will think you're a brilliant conversationalist.

And, then if the guy has any personality whatsoever, he'll want to know about you. So tell him a little something. Relax: A little information goes a long way, and since you're shy, you may come off as mysterious, which is a good thing. He'll want to get to know you better.

Who wouldn't?

Can't Get a Date?

Yes, you can.

After coming home from seeing Lieutenant of Inishmore on Broadway and enjoying a delightful dinner at Trattoria Trecolori with Peter last night, I caught VH1's very excellent show, Can't Get a Date.

Each episode features a man or woman who's had difficulty generating sufficient interest from the opposite sex. In a low-key, humorous, and unhumiliating manner, the host instructs the guest on what s/he's doing to repel potential dates and how to attract them. I definitely recommend it.

If you happen to be in New York, I heartily (and humbly) suggest you see The Lieutenant of Inishmore. At one point, I laughed so hard I cried.

He's the Man!

Took the train into New York Saturday for dinner and drinks with the girls in Bayside.

Had dinner in Monahan's (note to waiter: good service does not consist of avoiding eye contact and finishing every sentence with, "Ladies;" as in, "Will that be all, Ladies?", "What can I get you, Ladies?", and so on. Yuck).

After dinner, we had a couple of drinks at the bar before M. rolled up to pick up A. The rest of us headed over to Donovan's, which was more crowded than I've seen it in years (not that I get in there much). Really amazed myself by staying out until 2AM. As we left Bell Boulevard, the bars were rocking.

Slept over in Bayside with U. and P. They got a new dog on Saturday, a black lab named Buddy. He's three-years-old and friendly without being slobbery. We managed to just miss the Palm Sunday crowd for breakfast at the Omega on 32nd Avenue. Can't beat breakfast at the Omega! I had a Greek omelet but skipped the home fries and toast in atonement for my gluttony the previous evening (some guy kept putting pretzels on our table in the bar, and I went through two bowls of them).

Met Daddy in Grand Central on my way back home. Went to that "Caffe" downstairs; he had a cup of coffee, and I had a glass of Merlot to right my head. While I waited for him to show at the information booth, some guy in a black ski cap shouted, "Dude!" into his cell phone so loud I nearly dropped my wallet. "I'm at the information booth in Grand Central, Dude!" he boomed. "Sure, you know what it looks like. You saw Madagascar, didn't you?"

Sometimes you don't realize how attractive a person you know well is until you see them in a crowd, and that was the case with Daddy. The guy is 74 1/2, steely-haired, fit, and handsome. He's swimming five days a week and, as always, walks everywhere. If he ever decides to start dating, I suspect he won't be lonely for long. I don't think it's in the plan, though, and my father is not one to ever change the plan.

Can't see him dealing with some other woman and her children, being expected to visit them on holidays. Not in the plan.

Was very pleased to find Peter waiting for me at the station in Connecticut in my Saturn, instead of his monster truck, which gets, like, -6 miles to the gallon. On Friday night, I found him whizzing around a motorcycle website, which means he's getting fuel conscious, but not necessarily in the way I'd hoped.

In brighter news, he did steam clean the bathroom in our bedroom during my absence. (I felt like I was in a hotel when I took my shower this morning). He also laid the forms for the new walk he's putting in the front of our house.

He is definitely the man.

What does all this have to do with dating? Not much, although the boys and girls were out and in fine form in the bars on Bell Boulevard Saturday night. Here's a tip, though: If you meet a cute guy in a bar, it's not necessary to make out with him while waiting for the bartender to pour your drinks.

Work and the Office Lothario

Lately I'm receiving letters from women who've fallen victim to a lothario at the office. The dude showered them with attention. He made numerous offers to run out to Starbucks and get them a coffee, and so on. Flirtation by email followed. Romance ensued.

Then, suddenly, it all stopped. The man ceased all contact. The women, not knowing what they did wrong, struggled to regain his affection. And failed.

They write to me asking what they can do next.

Here's my answer:

Return the guy's lack of interest in kind. Do not, under any circumstances, walk past his desk, email him, or do anything to get his attention. Avoid him at all costs. If you happen to run into him in the hall or at a meeting, keep your back straight and conversation to a minimum.

If he didn't have the courtesy to speak to you before ending the relationship, he doesn't warrant your time. If he did have the courtesy to speak to you, then take him at his word. Terminate any campaign to change his mind.

Repeat after me:

It's his loss.
It's his loss.
It's his loss.

There are bigger fish in the sea.

Forget George Clooney...

I like a man I can sink my teeth into. For instance:

1. Joaquin Phoenix
2. Mark Ruffalo
3. Stephen Colbert
4. Lewis Black

None of them is leading-man handsome, but they all possess a certain (and attractive) intelligence. A sense of humor goes a long way, too.

In unrelated news: The recent torture killing of a young grad student in New York City has completely freaked me out. It underscores the sad fact that just because a woman thinks she knows somebody (in this case, the bouncer in the bar where she was hanging out) or the man seems to be in a position of some authority, it doesn't mean he's a good person.

If you're going to hang out in a bar, go with a friend and go home with a friend. No exceptions. If you meet a guy who has great potential, plan to meet him again in a neutral location. Remember what your parents told you when you were five: Don't get into a car with a stranger.

He probably wouldn't end up strangling you with your pantyhose, but why would you ever risk it?

Stop the Madness. God is Watching!

Nicholas Kristof of the New York Times continues to write of the horrors facing ordinary citizens in Darfur. These people go through life waiting for rapists and murderers to descend upon them, and there's nothing they can do about it.

Can you imaging popping the Gorton's fish sticks into the oven and wondering if tonight is the night your children will be raped and killed? I can't fathom what it would be like to live in that constant state of terror.

Few Americans are aware of this genocide. It's strange; we still talk about the horrors of the Holocaust and ask how it ever was even allowed to happen, yet something similar is going on in Africa, and the networks have turned their backs on it.

That will change tomorrow, fortunately. NBC will broadcast Ann Curry's coverage of the ongoing massacre, but ABC and CBS have yet to step up.

We (you and me) can help the people of Darfur by sending a postcard to President Bush and telling him to put his foot down.

For other ideas, check out Ten Things You Can Do Right Now.

Teri Hatcher's "Startling Confession"

Teri didn't actually "confess" that she was sexually abused as a child. Confession implies guilt, and she was the victim-- not the perpetrator-- of the vilest sort of crime.

According to the Vanity Fair writer who interviewed Hatcher, the Desperate Housewives actress is making the story public only to help other children who find themselves in similar situations.

Which I respect.

What I don't respect is the media sexing this story up for ratings. The only person who needs to confess is the trusted male relative who abused her for his own pathetic purposes.

Project Misogyny

My new hero, Guy Trebay of The New York Times, wrote about a bunch of losers who still haven't gotten over the girls who dumped them in high school.

Stumbled upon a "Christian" website today that tells why it's the woman's responsibility to agree to have sex with her husband even if she's not into it, and why it's her responsibility again to turn him on when he's not into it.

My favorite tip?

"Buy (or make) panties that tie on the sides - you can untie and remove them discreetly in a theater or at a restaurant table."

I must have been out sick the day the nuns addressed that subject.

You Can Meet Men and Get Married

The following is my response to a young woman who responded to my previous post, in which I promised to answer questions about meeting men:

Just when I thought I'd run out of things to write about meeting men and attracting happy relationships, you come along and remind me why I ever started doing this.

I checked out the gorgeous, compelling, thought-provoking photographs on your Flickr account and was blown away. Beautiful, beautiful stuff!

My thoughts about normal young women who don't date: Well, one of the captions on your photos says it all. You say you struggle with being comfortable with yourself. Men pick up on that.

Look, you're an attractive woman. You may not be TV thin, but who is? Furthermore, you're right; lots of overweight women get married, have no trouble getting dates, etc. They feel good about themselves, and so does everybody else.

And then there are the thin, pretty girls who don't feel comfortable about themselves and wonder if people are only interested in them because they fit the current beauty standard. If they were to be disfigured in an accident, would all the attention they've come to expect and enjoy suddenly evaporate?

Understand that you are not alone in the struggle to be comfortable with yourself (most of us are in it to a degree). At one point in my life, the men I attracted were pretty substandard (they picked up on my feelings of inadequacy like a radio signal). And then there were times when I just didn't attract any men at all.

And then, after a guy broke up with me because, as he said, "I was a treasure yet to be discovered," I decided to treat myself as a treasure yet to be discovered. I decided that I deserved love, affection, and to be treated well. And guess what? Once I adopted this mindset, I started to attract more-- and better-- men. I simply didn't have time for the losers.

You must hold yourself in very high regard to attract attention and good treatment from others!

Easier said than done, right? Well, Louise Hay recommends that you repeat the following affirmation at least 30 times a day:

"I love and approve of myself."

Chances are, you'll feel like a complete jackass the first few days you do it, but keep it up. (If you're really brave, you can say it in front of a mirror. Look yourself in the eye). After a couple of weeks, something inside you will start to shift. You'll notice that you're attracting better things.

You also might want to write a list of all the things you have going for you. What do you have to offer? It really helps to know. Keep the list in your wallet, where you can refer to it often.

Furthermore, it wouldn't hurt to check out Jennifer Weiner's blog (http://jenniferweiner.blogspot.com/). She, as you may know, is the author of the very successful novel "In Her Shoes" and once struggled with body image.

She's feeling pretty good about herself today, is happily married, has a child, and is probably rolling in money. Scroll down to the second post, which addresses "American Idol" and the Mandisa issue. Mandisa is the very talented singer who was rebuked by Simon Cowell for being overweight.

How to Meet Men: Tell Me What You Want to Know

Email your questions to me at terry@marrysmart.com, and I'll get back to you.

The Day of Enforced Love and Loneliness

I can really do without Valentine's Day. If married people stopped waiting for a commercially mandated holiday to express their love for one another, there would be fewer divorces. Valentine's Day also manages to make people who aren't in relationships think there's something wrong with them.

It's really rather sad. That said, Peter will show up with a card this evening, so I probably should go out and buy him one, too.

I slipped the requisite chocolate into the offspring's lunches this morning, which they promptly removed to prevent being expected to share with their classmates. The day of love, indeed!

I have to admit, though, my parents loved to celebrate Valentine's Day. They'd hit the stationery store after Mass the Sunday before and pick out the mushiest cards for each other. Last year, when my mother was sick, my father brought her one with a passage in it that nearly knocked me off my feet.

This morning, he had a Mass said for her.

Meet New Men

It's Saturday night. What are you doing at home?

You should be out among the living. Prince Charming is not going to climb through your window to watch the Olympics with you.

Grab a friend and head to your nearest coffee house. Most of them feature live music on weekends. Hang out. If you don't have a friend, go anyway. Order a cup of coffee in a to-go cup and then stick around.

If there's a seat at an empty table, take it. As the place fills up, somebody will probably ask you if they can drag off the other chair. Smile and say, "Sure." If anyone asks what you're doing out alone, just say you popped in for a quick cup of coffee but the music was so captivating you decided to stay. Look approachable.

Sure, it is a bit scary to put yourself in new and uncomfortable situations, but this is how you meet new people.

Meeting new people is the key to meeting "the one."

Pop Culture This Week

Some observations:

The unstoppable Madonna stole the Grammys show.

Two words for Mick Jagger regarding his Super Bowl performance: Long sleeves.

Somebody should tell Katie Couric that encouraging pigeons to eat off her head does not make, as she claimed, "Good TV." It makes "You Are So Desperate to Be Cute I Feel Sorry for You TV".

About that Salmon You're Eating...

Salmon is loaded with heart-healthy Omega-3s, but it may also be teeming with other garbage that could kill you.

This morning's Today Show featured a "flirtologist" who advocates following men around supermarkets. The last man I followed was my Sixth Grade teacher, when my friend Karen and I hid out in the dumpster in front of his house.

Gotta hand it to Dear Abby. She kicked ass today.

State of the Union, Part 2

Be sure to catch the repeat broadcast of last night's Colbert Report at 2:30/EST this afternoon or at 8:30/EST this evening. Colbert's take on the plight of today's American worker is priceless.

State of the Union

Today's contestant on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire hopes to win so that he can pay off his $100,000 student loan.

How to Get Dates

Interesting article on how people are getting dates without a lot of effort.

Dating, Dear Abby, and John Cusack

Interesting comments from guys about dating in today's Dear Abby, particularly one about women traveling in packs, thus intimidating potential suiters. It just goes to show that you gotta go out, but you gotta look approachable, too.

Since nobody likes hanging out among strangers, it's good to bring along a friend or two. But it can scare off the menfolk, so definitely put a pleasant expression on your face. If you accidentally bump into somebody on your way to the Ladies' Room, say 'Excuse me' and smile with your eyes. No matter how bad your day was, don't stand around sniping about your coworkers or your jerk boss. Evesdroppers will mistake you for a bitter shrew, so limit those discussions to the car.

Enjoyed reading The Huffington Post today, which quotes John Cusack, one of my favorite actors.

Huffington says she does yoga while watching Meet the Press. Whatever gets you through it, I guess. I like to listen to George Harrison while watching Meet the Press , or during reports that politicians who scare me have been elected.

Confessions of an Indiscriminate Dater

The Today Show covered the fun and not-so-fun adventures of a woman who said yes to every guy who asked her out.

Dating the Fun Way

Found a fun, free dating site based in England. The benefit is you might hook up with a lovely American man, but if you're so inclined, you can search the site for a British guy, too.

If you've ever dreamed of having an English accent tickling your ear when you wake up in the morning, this could be your ticket.

The Secret to Happiness

Worthwhile information from Michael J. Fox's father-in-law.

In other happy news, I received the following letter from a satisfied reader of my ebook, How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams:

Hi Terry,

Just thought I'd send you an update. After reading your book and following your advice, I finally got an "I love you" from my boyfriend. "Boyfriend," that's new too. He's finally broken down and started calling me his girlfriend, and he refers to himself as my boyfriend. Only took eight months! He's very much worth the wait. He's still wonderful. We haven't even had a single arguement yet. Believe me, if I marry him, you'll have another wedding invitation to add to your treasures.

Thanks for writing your book.

-D.

Letters like this make my day!

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt

All I have to say is, God bless Jennifer Aniston. And that's all I'm going to say.

Saw a segment on yesterday's Today Show that utterly and completely freaked me out. Check under Top Stories for Prevention Magazine's report on why watching too much Conan O'Brien might kill you.

Jesus Who?

After a Christmas that seemed it would never end (not the actual day, which was fun, but the ancillary crap that was not), I got hit with not one, but two rotten colds. And, even though I went to church Christmas Day, Jesus seemed beside the point.

I've been in bed for three days. I have not written a single New Year's resolution. I barely had the ambition to sit through The View.

Did catch David Letterman mop the floor with Bill O'Reilly the other night. Oh, that was great.

Stood Up, Part 2

More on dealing with a No-Show Joe from Sarah Tanner.

Turn up your speakers. It's quick, and it's worth a listen.

He Stood You Up?

You met a guy. He asked you out. He never showed up.

Sarah Tanner will tell you how to fix him.

Meet Men the Easy Way

Today's Dear Abby featured a letter from a woman who met her husband (and best friend) of 15 years through "Operation Dear Abby," the program where civilians email letters of support to American servicemen.

Granted, not everybody is going to meet the man of her dreams this way, but it's a nice option for getting to know somebody new. It's free, and you don't have to dress up.

This week's Attracting True Love newsletter will probably go out today. Want it? Sign up now. It's free, too.

Damage Control Has Gotten Old

For the second time in two days, President Bush has been up on his podium pulling our patriotic heartstrings on the subject of freedom. I wonder how free the displaced former residents of New Orleans feel, especially the ones FEMA plans to kick out of hotels. They're pretty much free to sleep on the streets. I wonder how people without healthcare feel about freedom; they can't get help when they're sick, so they're not free. They're stuck. Same goes for all the people who lost their pensions due to corporate wrongdoing.

So, no Mr. President, I don't think it's okay that you wiretap my phone in the interests of freedom. In fact, I respectfully submit that you stop using the word "freedom" in your speeches (is that word even still polling well?).

And, if you're really so gung-ho on ending atrocities all over the globe, why don't we ever hear you utter the word, "Darfur?"

Dating Tip for the Day

Smiling, yes, just smiling, is an excellent way to communicate friendliness, interest, and openness to possibilities. Once I learned to smile sincerely, even if things weren't going my way, I attracted all sorts of great circumstances (and more and better men to choose from).

For some reason, people like people who smile easily.

So, today I'm forcing myself to follow my own advice. I'll smile even though it's snowing ponies, and my offspring are shouting advice to the oil truck driver whose wheels spin desperately in front of my house.

I'll smile even though I had one measly business call to make all day and, surely, my children are too big, responsible, and considerate to fly in, wailing about what "she did!"

Yeah, right. I hate snow days.

But I'm smiling! I'm smiling!

What time is it? Is my husband on his way home from work yet?

Dating an Aggressive Driver?

Here's a tip: Don't.

He's a jerk, and his behavior will probably creep into your relationship. (Creep being the operative word.)

Feel like I should hit Confession after going to Hel-Mart yesterday. Was duly spanked by readers of this blog, even if it was for a good cause (still don't understand why I couldn't go to Target or, even better, Lord & Taylor; they run excellent sales, you know).

It's cold in Connecticut. Cold! (Well, not if you're from Michigan, but...)

Pre-Christmas Cheer

Finishing up an article on dating an aggressive driver for a Connecticut paper.

I'm blah this week. Scooted into Wal-Mart today (yes, I know; I'm not supposed to go to Wal-Mart, but the domestic violence center that's doing the Christmas gift drive directed me to go there and buy a gift card. Personally, if I had to leave my husband due to any kind of abuse, I would find it doubly depressing to have to shop at Wal-Mart).

Sure enough, I got busted in there by not one but two friends who know my hostile stance toward America's Largest Retailer. Had a bit of explaining to do.

Well, the offspring have unearthed every Christmas decoration from The Year 12 and hauled them up from the basement. Remind me to throw half the crap out when I take it down after New Year's. I'm tired of looking at it.

In happy news, I'm meeting L and A and U and P and A and M for dinner in Manhattan Saturday night. I'm sure it'll be a mad scene with everybody and their Aunt Lucy in to see the tree, but I'm looking forward to it. I need an adults' night out.

In dating news, I put out the most recent newsletter yesterday. If you missed it and would like to get it, email me at terry@marrysmart.com. It's informative (if I don't say so myself), and it's free.

Did you see Jimmy Carter on The Daily Show the other night? Thank God for Jimmy Carter. The man will go down in history as a great man and a great president.

Flirt While You Can

"When you flirt, you gain valuable information about the nature of another person -- his or her sense of fun, adventure, and potential as a romantic candidate. You quickly find out if he's classy, trashy, shy, leering, desperate, sweet, funny, or any combination of the above."

-Sara Tanner, Creator of the LIFELONG FLIRTING COURSE

If you're shy, tongue-tied, or have been out of the dating game too long, Sara Tanner will teach you how to wow the opposite sex.

You'll get lessons and fun assignments via email. Tuition for Sara's course is usually $47.00, but her Thanksgiving week special of $37.00 runs through tomorrow.

How to Get Over a Bad Boyfriend

Dear Terry,

This is probably one of the most stupid letters you will ever read, but I just had to write. I need a slap!

I lived with a guy for two years. He had all kinds of problems, from health to gambling. For the first eight months of our relationship I paid for almost everything. We had plans to move where I am now living, but those plans were cut short. I moved alone. One night after a lot of feelings of hate mixed up with frustration, my washing machine overflowed. I started crying, needed him to hold me, but he took the hammer and broke my washing machine. I told him to leave. I called the cops but didn't sign a complaint. He left. I left. I needed someone to understand me, so I drove 400 miles to my daughter's place (I didn't know what I was doing, what would become of my life. I even thought of ending it).

Then I drove back! I wanted to talk to him, reason with him, but when I finally got home, nobody was there. A few minutes later, there he was with his daughter. Like a bat out of hell he grabbed the satellite machine, the only thing that was his, and I got very angry. Who would do a thing like that after all I had done for him? Who would even think of taking away a stupid satellite machine? Wasn't I worth more than a satellite? Enraged, I called the cops, and he ended up in court.

He cannot be within 500 feet of me for three years! I was shocked to get this news and found out that he was living with somebody else. That should be enough for me to hate him. Right? But I think of him every day. He even came down to see me this summer but says he is afraid of me because I called the cops on him. He leaves me messages on my machine and says he cannot forget me (I'm not stupid. I have a brain).

If he really loved me, he would still be with me. Right? Why am I still thinking of him? He's living with another woman! I know deep down that I could no longer have a trusting relationship with him, and I could not have sex with him again (just the thought that he had sex with God knows who makes me sick). I wish I could meet somebody worthwhile. But I go to bed at night thinking of him, and I wake up thinking of him.

I'm fighting to survive, no job, times are rough. I cannot go out and do things due to a lack of money. Christmas is coming, and I just hate the thought of it. I have found a little job cleaning , but it doesn't pay enough to spoil my grandchild. I wish I was dead!

So, you see, I need a good kick maybe.

-Got a Big Sign Taped to My Back


Dear Big Sign-

I'm not going to give you a kick. For whatever reason, you're hung up on this guy even though he's obviously a bedbug. I'm no psychiatrist, but clearly he has problems. Perhaps he's been horrible to you because he knows he doesn't deserve the kindness you've shown him, and for some warped reason he actually resents you for it.

But enough about him.

A lot of the time we get hooked on people who treat us poorly because part of us (a buried part, I'd guess) thinks we deserve it. Or we get hooked because the person didn't treat us badly all the time; now and again, he actually made us laugh and gave us a warm, glowy feeling inside.

Since you're still obsessing about him, I suggest that you write down every single thing about him that you dislike on a sheet of paper, which you will leave on your pillow. Before you fall asleep at night (when you are tempted to relive the good ol' days), read this list and let it sink into your subconscious. Read it again before your feet touch the floor in the morning.

You might also consider changing your telephone number so that you don't have to hear his voice ever again. He knows he has an emotional hold over you (and even goes on the offensive by saying he's afraid of your behavior--huh?), and so he calls you.

He's living with someone else now, probably sucking her dry. You know perfectly well you're better off without him, but you're lonely. I suggest that you begin to treat yourself the way he should have treated you. Become your very own best boyfriend; it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. Take yourself out to a movie (matinees are fairly cheap), buy yourself flowers at the grocery store once in a while, speak to yourself as if you were a beloved child (how would you speak to your grandchild, for instance?). Write a list of your very best qualities and read it often. You have to start loving yourself. You have to start enjoying your own company.

You have the cleaning job. That's a start. Don't worry about spoiling your grandchild. Your grandchild can only benefit from having a happy, healthy grandmother, instead of a sad woman who buys presents but wishes she were dead. See your daughter when you can, but your goal right now is to stop wishing you were dead and start enjoying life, as you deserve to and should.

Is there a community center in your neighborhood where you could take classes cheaply? Perhaps you could learn yoga or something new, which would allow you to meet new people and to feel good about yourself.

My next suggestion is to volunteer in a hospital or someplace else where people are less fortunate. (I know you need money, but I'm talking about just an hour or two every week.) You would meet new people and perhaps come across a paying job opportunity. And the best way to feel better is to help somebody else feel better.

You're in a new place, and you have an opportunity to build a new life. You cared very much (and hard) for a man who didn't value you, but you have much to offer and there are other people who will value that--and you.

I hope this helps, and I wish you the very best of everything.

Terry

Working Mothers Who Can't Get a Break

This morning's Connecticut Post featured a story about a woman who left her children in her car while she went to work her shift at Stop & Shop. She was arrested on two counts of risk of injury to a minor and leaving a child unattended in a motor vehicle. She was also charged with operating a motor vehicle without insurance and misuse of registration plates.

She was released after posting $25,000 bond. She later begged a reporter not to write about her arrest, saying that she is a hard-working single parent who struggles to pay bills and find day care for her children.

Instead of making this woman out to be a villain, did it occur to anybody that she has no choice except to leave her children in her car while she makes money to buy them something to eat?

My next question:

Where is the children's father?

Where the hell is he? Does he offer his children any kind of support whatsoever? Why is this woman forced to leave his children in a parking lot to be able to provide for them? And why am I the one asking these questions instead of authorities who could actually help her?

Wal-Mart and the Running of the Bulls

This Christmas season, I refuse to shop in any store that encourages people to gouge and trample each other in an attempt to score a cheap laptop.

I also refuse to shop in stores that refer to sales as "Door Busters." The day I "bust" a door is the day I start giving cash instead of buying gifts for Christmas.

In its never-ending quest to score unprecedented profits, corporate America would reduce us to animals. Unfortunately, too many of us are willing to let them get away with it.

How to Flirt

I have much to be thankful for this year, including my association with Sara Tanner, an expert on dating and relationships.

She's a shameless flirt who wants to take you by the hand and teach you this alluring art (and, while she and I don't agree on everything, I've learned a good deal from her. She's never boring, that's for sure).

She's offering an e-course entitled "Lifelong Flirting," which is fun and affordably priced. I'll let her tell you:

"Flirting is a subject that has always been close to my heart. Since I was a young teenager, I've collected every book on 'how to get a man' that I could get my hands on. It's a subject that is endlessly interesting, and flirting is certainly one of the most fun parts of the interaction between men and women.

I just started this class earlier this year, and it's my 'baby.' The class includes members who are shy; members who are already experienced flirts - and even a couple of men have joined the class out of their love for women and desire to learn and grow.

It's an online class that you can take at times which are convenient to you - the lessons come to you through email. There are unadvertised bonuses, as well as lifetime membership on the Lifelong Flirting forum. At the end of the class, you also receive a bonus book: 'The Etiquette Handbook.'

Everyone who takes this course comes away with a new understanding of the foundations of flirting, and with the frame of mind to put their new skills into action. The class is being expanded, and as a result, the price is about to go to $47, but for this Thanksgiving holiday week, it will stay $37 to show my own thankfulness for the faithful readers of my own emails. I have over twelve thousand subscribers and I'm very blessed to have them.

I think women owe it to themselves to flirt - married or single. If you don't flirt, you are missing out on one of life's greatest joys - on an inherent part of our birthright as people! Without flirting on some level in your daily interactions, life's a deadly bore!

You can read about the first time anyone every flirted with me - I was a mere 12 years old - here.

Flirting does indeed start early in life. Flirting situations start when we least expect them, too - so every woman should be 'armed' and prepared for this immensely fun and positive aspect of life.

Would you like to learn how to cast a spell on a man?

Then, by all means, join me.

-Sara Tanner

Meet Men, Meet Women

Coming out of the mist to let you know that my correspondent, A., tells me she tried speed-dating with delightful results.

Here's what she says:

"Just wanted to fill you in on my speed-dating event last night. I have to tell you, it was far more fun and less intimidating than I'd anticipated. I actually met someone I found attractive and would like to get to know better. He was interesting, successful, the right age and is a Democrat like me (very important)!

He and I are exchanging e-mails, and I definitely intend to attend another event. It's so much better to see someone face to face, and see if there is chemistry, unlike the Internet personals, where there is ample opportunity for embellishment and outright lies.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that this is a great venue for meeting people. I'll let you know how things go. I may not meet Mr. Right through speed-dating, but the experience was a great ego-builder that let me know that, even at so-called "middle age" (44), I am still very marketable, more so than many of my peers. I received an e-mail today that 7 out of the ten men there last night wanted to get to know me better.

I was skeptical but now believe that this is a very viable option for people to meet, especially busy professionals. Keep your wonderful e-mails and blog coming. We appreciate you!"

And I appreciate, you, A. Thanks for the important information!

If You Want Him to Open Up, Don't Use a Can Opener

Dear Terry,

I want to thank you again for the teleclass. It was really inspirational. I am sure that I can put what you discussed into practice rather soon. I do have a question though. How do you get a man to open up to you about all parts of his life, even those that do not concern you, without curbing his freedom and independence?

-Quite Curious

Well, hello, Quite-

I'm glad you enjoyed the call.

If you're spending a lot of time with a man, he should eventually trust you enough to open up about himself. I wouldn't force anything. If, after a reasonable amount of time, you feel that you don't really know him much better than you did when you first met, you can say, "We've been going out together for (insert amount of time), but I don't know you very well." See what happens.

If he takes that as a cue to be forthcoming, good. If he doesn't, you could make a joke. Smile and say something like, "You're very mysterious, but I'm really into comedies these days." If he remains clammed up, I would take that as a sign to keep moving.

You never want to interrogate a guy, but it's perfectly acceptable to open up about your experiences. For instance, you could say: "My favorite Christmas was (fill in the blank) when (fill in the blank); and "I love the Fall because it reminds me of (insert your very special memory here). This way, you're giving him an opportunity to tell you about himself and his experiences.

A good relationship depends on respect, consideration, and, most of all, communication. You can't do it alone, and you shouldn't try. Be sure to keep that in mind.


Terry

Prescription for a Marriage in Hell

Hi, Terry-

I have been dating my boyfriend for five and a half years. We are 23 years old, and I would really like a commitment. We have talked about getting married, but he says he probably doesn't want to get married for another three or four years. I love him so much, but I feel it's unfair that I have to wait around. It's as if everything is on his schedule. I think it's ridiculous to wait that long. We are thinking about moving in together, but now I'm having second thoughts. I'm worried that if we move in together, we will never get married! He says that moving in together is a commitment in itself. I want to be with him and have a ceremony where we can pronounce our love in front of everyone.

He lives his life and expects me to just follow along. For example, he always plans his weekends around what he wants to do and just assumes I will do what he wants. He doesn't keep me in mind. I took off work on Friday so we could spend time
together (we have completely opposite work schedules), and he slept the whole day! What a waste! When I confronted him about it he says he didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I want him to plan things for us to do, instead of me always having to make the plans and figure everything out. I've just become increasingly angry and feel like he doesn't understand. He says that if we both know that we want to get married it shouldn't matter if it's now or in four years.

Should I stick around or move on? I don't want to wait, and then three years from now have him decide that he doesn't want to get married for another four. Please help!

-Confused


Hello, Confused-

If you're angry now because your boyfriend doesn't consider your feelings, how do you think you'll feel in another five years?

The thing is, you can't make him commit to you (nor should you try). You deserve a guy who's quite literally jumping off the couch to marry you, and he's not doing that.

I understand why you'd want to get married after 5 1/2 years together, but if he's not willing, then it's not your job to change his mind. Instead, you might ask yourself if he's doing you a favor. You're not happy about the way he treats you, and marriage is not going to change him (in fact, he's probably going to get worse).

The idea of proclaiming your love for one another in front of the entire world is romantic, but think about it: A wedding lasts a couple of hours. A marriage is meant to last a lifetime.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you really think you would be happy spending your life with this man (the way he is now, not the way you think he might turn out to be)?

If the answer is no, then you owe it to yourself to move on. If the answer is yes, you truly love him and want to marry him, then I'd advise you to spend less time with him, instead of more. I would definitely never take a day off work to hang out with him, that's for sure. It sounds as if your boyfriend is taking you for granted, and you need to step back a bit.

Be less available.

I'm not telling you to play games. But it's time this guy stopped assuming you're going to do whatever he wants every weekend. You can give him the message by going out with your friends often(if you don't have any friends, make some). If you're interested in learning something new, like pottery, yoga, or beermaking, I suggest you take a class that gets you out of the house one day a week. It will introduce you to new people and new situations, and learning new things makes you more interesting.

If you have a habit of stopping by to see your boyfriend after work, taper that off. Don't see him all the time. Expand your horizons. Do different things with different people.

After a while (or maybe even immediately), he'll either notice and stop taking you for granted, or he won't. If he does, then, good, keep it up (and if you do marry him, keep it up 25 years from now). If he doesn't, then keep moving in the other direction. Build a life for yourself.

I know you don't want to hear this, but you're young. And I'm afraid that if you twist this guy's arm, and he marries you, you'll be a fat old woman in a sweatsuit by the tender age of 30. I'm afraid that you'll be doing all the work around the house, shuttling kids around to soccer and helping them with their homework, while he continues to do what he always did: what he wants.

As far as living together goes, you're right. It's not a commitment, and that would be fine if you were both happy with that. But you're not. So do not move in with him(but if you decide to disregard my advice on this score, make sure you clear up who's going to cook on which nights. In other words, you're not to become anybody's maid).

Please do not let the image of yourself in a Vera Wang dress cloud your judgment. Repeat after me: A wedding lasts just a few hours. A marriage to the wrong guy could mean a lifetime of misery.

Don't believe me? Head to a family restaurant on a Friday night. Check out all the unhappily married couples who talk to their children but not to each other.

I hope this helps.

Terry

How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams

Listed my ebook on a cool new directory.

Want to save $19.97 on the ebook? Sign up for my free teleclass, scheduled for this coming Tuesday, November 1st at 7PM/EST. I'll cram all the secrets to attracting the right man I can into a 60-minute session.

Drop me an email now at terry@marrysmart.com. Seats are going fast!

Tom DeLay's Mug Shot

Somebody take away this guy's motivational tapes.

Get Him to Commit?

Hi, Terry-

This is my first time to your site, and I think your advice is wonderful. Give me your honest advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. We don't live together, but he sleeps at my place at least 6 nights a week, and we have a 2-year- old son. Recently, I asked him where our relationship was going, and after a day of silence, his answer was, "I don't want to live together, and I don't want to get married."

We had a huge fight and didn't speak for three weeks. Now he is all loving, and "I miss you, and I don't want us to break up," but after so many years, I am ready for a commitment, and he doesn't want to commit. I spent a long time loving and caring for him, and I think it's clouding my better judgment. I feel confused when I don't think I should be. Any help?

-Confused


Hello, Confused-

Thanks for the compliment.

You obviously have a lot invested in this relationship because you've been in it for six years, and you have a little boy with the man. So it had to be painful when the guy stonewalled you on the subject of commitment, and then had a huge fight about it.

It doesn't seem fair that he sits on your couch, uses your electricity and your phone, consumes the food you buy, and takes up space in your bed six nights a week, only to flip out when you ask him where the relationship is going.

You say that you spent a lot of time loving and caring for him. Now, let me ask you, has he spent a lot of time loving and caring for you?

Are you satisfied with the relationship?

How do you feel when he's with you?

How do you feel when he's away (confident and secure of your place with him, or scared that he's with someone else)?

How does he care for your child? (Does he share responsibilities with you, or are they your problem?)

If he committed to you, what would that mean? (Would he treat you the way you deserve to be treated, or would you always be fighting for his attention?)

If he doesn't commit to you, what would that mean? (Would you be willing to get over him, spend time giving yourself the love and care you once gave him, and ultimately moving on to another relationship?)

When a man refuses to give you a commitment, there's the possibility that he's doing you a favor. Is he?

I don't have the answers to any of these questions, but you do.

I definitely respect your decision to hold out for what you want, but since he's "all loving" all of a sudden, it's probably getting harder to say no to him. But stick to your guns. He's going to be part of your life because he's the father of your son, but, if he remains unwilling to give you the commitment you want, then he shouldn't be allowed to spend the night at your house, eat your food, or watch your TV.

I hope this helps.

Terry

Please Stop Reproducing

Rod Stewart, I'm talking to you.

You've already spawned offspring with Alana Hamilton, Kelly Emberg, Rachel Hunter, and they're just the women we know about. Now your latest girlfriend is pregnant, too.

Yuck.

Does she squeeze her eyes shut during sex? I would. Damn, Man, you're 60 years old!

You're No Paris Hilton

Dear Terry,

I met a man a couple of months ago, and we liked one another. Problem is, I live in the USA, and he lives in France. He asked me for pictures so, I sent him some nice photos of myself.

But this isn't what he wanted. One night while we were IMing each other, he said he had something to show me and sent me a naked picture of himself. I was taken aback for a moment.

The next day he e-mails me, telling me to send him nude pictures of myself. He says he "wants to know all of me." I was polite, but I told him I don't do that kind of thing. When the time is right, he will see me. But not on a screen.

He kept insisting, "If you love me, you will do this." I feel it is emotional blackmail. I told him I respect myself. If it meant not seeing him again then, so be it. He let up on me. Now he is starting the same old story. If I have to hear his reasoning one more time, I will scream!

Why does he insist? Is he mad? Maybe he wants to make sure he is getting "Miss Perfect." If I'm not perfect, then he will go away. Please advise me. I am tired of this. If he wants to be with me, then he must respect me.

I haven't e-mailed him as much. He wants to know what is wrong with me. I don't want to keep going over this subject. Thank you for listening. Help me?

-No Nude Is Good Nude


Hello, No Nude-

Whatever you do, do not--I repeat--do not send Henri naked pictures of yourself. Your instincts are right. Think about it: What if you were to email him the pictures, and he were to get mad at you about something? What might he do with those photos then? Blackmail you with them? Your image could be all over the Internet.

You're also right to take a statement as lame as, "If you loved me, you will do this," as a warning sign. If he loved you, he'd respect your feelings about the matter and let it drop.

I have serious reservations about this fellow. I really admire you for standing up to him, though, and I encourage you to stick to your guns. The next time somebody says, "If you loved me, you'd....," you can answer, "I guess you're right. I don't love you."

You can do better than this clown.

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Where Are You, Jon Stewart?

Come back to us, Jon! Your country needs you!

We've gotten six days of pelting rain to make up for the zero days we got over the summer. Connecticut's flooding, New Jersey's flooding, and Long Islanders are suffering massive power outages.

I tried to write acknowledgements to the people who sent flowers and attended my mother's wake, but my fingers are so cold I couldn't write (they're not having much luck typing, either). I probably should have sent acknowlegements earlier, but I wasn't up to it, you know? And the woman hasn't been dead two months yet, so perhaps Emily Post will forgive me.

As for the cold, I suppose I could turn on the heat in here, but I won't. Oil companies are showing record profits; I refuse to participate for as long as I can. I really feel for people who can't afford to heat their homes this winter.

Falling in Love, Not on Your Head

Dear Terry-

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of two and a half years almost three years ago now. We broke up because we were too young and needed time to grow. Although we have tried on numerous occasions to get back together, it has never been successful. We've both had other partners since, but we haven't been happy.

Now he has once again come back to me asking me to try again. I love him more than the world itself, and we get on great but there are a few things I don't understand.

1) Why now after three years?
2) Why is it that if he really loves me does he not ring every day?
3) Does he mean it this time?

How do you answer without saying no, but without getting your heart broken all over again? Plus, he says he can't talk to other women. Does that make me a woman of convenience?

We come from two different worlds, as well; he's a party animal, and I'm a bit more quiet. I prefer to enjoy a night with close friends, rather than go out to a busy night club.

-English Tenderheart



Hello, Tender-

You love him, but you're afraid of being hurt. That seems pretty human to me. Even if you didn't have a history with this guy, you'd be afraid of having your heart broken. The rotten thing about embarking on a relationship is that it requires you to make yourself vulnerable.

That said, you can ease your fear a bit by asking this fellow exactly what you asked me. Why doesn't he call every day if he's so crazy about you? He may have a good reason (maybe he's afraid of making himself vulnerable, too, or maybe it's a case of actions not matching up with words). Why does he want you back after three years? Only he can say, so ask him and look him in the eye when he answers. You're both a couple of years older. Is he willing to spend more quiet nights at home these days? If not, how will you feel about it?

Now, if you're afraid that you're a "woman of convenience," the answer here is not to be too convenient. See him (if, after asking the previous questions, you decide he's worth it), but you don't have to see him every day. Keep yourself busy. Continue to see your friends and, whatever you do, never break a date with a friend to be with him (unless, of course, you get a call that he's been rushed to the hospital).

To your happily ever,

Terry